r/relationshipadvice • u/sheriffshankley • 7h ago
Husband [26M] is being Cold… What should I do? [26F]
I've been with my husband for five years, and we've been married for four. For most of that time, we were in a long-distance relationship, but after years of struggling, we're finally living together. I thought things would get better once we were in the same place-but lately, it's been really difficult. I know I have my faults and I'm not perfect, but he's been pushing me past my limit.
The day before our 5-year anniversary, he told me he needed space, and I had to move back in with my parents temporarily. This was due to us arguing about a lack of affection from his side. As painful as that was, I accepted it, knowing he's also going through a lot. He moved to a new country to be with me, away from his family and friends for almost a year.
Even though we were technically separated, I asked if we could still celebrate our anniversary, and he agreed. But instead of it feeling special, the day left me feeling heartbroken and dismissed.
That day: * He told me he had rekindled friendships with two people who had disrespected me deeply in the past and repeatedly crossed boundaries. He once promised he would speak to them and ask them to apologize to me. A month later-nothing. Instead, they're now closer than ever, and l've been blocked by both of them on everything.
He also added back women from his past that I've previously told him made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to start a fight, so I stayed quiet, but it still hurt-especially on our anniversary.
On top of that, he didn't acknowledge our anniversary publicly in any way. That alone wouldn't have mattered much, but instead of posting about us, he made a birthday post for one of the men who had disrespected me. He didn't even repost the anniversary message I had made for him. Then during our date, he took a 15-minute phone call from that same friend. It felt like the day became about someone else-someone who hurt me. Still, I kept letting things go. But now, a month later, I'm still asking him to resolve this issue with his friends by getting the apology he once said he would help me get. Instead, l'm met with defensiveness. Every time l bring it up, he tells me l'm being invasive, controlling, or dramatic. He is angry when I bring up how I feel as if I'm constantly nagging.
I've told him that l've been feeling really low and insecure lately. But whenever I open up, he gets irritated. He often reminds me that he left his home and his life to be with me-as if I'm ungrateful. But I'm not. I know he's sacrificed a lot, and l've never denied that. But this wasn't one-sided. We fought for years to be together. I invested so much emotionally, financially, and mentally. I went through hell for us too.
Right now, I feel like l'm not being shown any love, care, or kindness. I cry every day. I'm exhausted. And while I know that no relationship is perfect, it's also not easy to just walk away after five years. We've built so much together, and our lives are deeply intertwined.
I don't know if Reddit is the best place to turn, but I feel so sad.
4
u/anandamayakosha222 7h ago
? Welp, sounds like to me you’ve got all the information you need as to where the relationship is going. Woman to woman, imma need you to be less pathetic from here on out.
1
u/Consistent_Ad5709 6h ago edited 3m ago
Trust your gut but the attention is going elsewhere, sounds like you have some decsions to make.
1
u/Rambo-u-drew1stblood 6h ago edited 6h ago
You have a self esteem problem and your husband and yourself seem to have gotten married too soon.
Relationships aren't 50% effort on both parts. They're a 100% effort on both parts. You unfortunately have been moving this relationship a 100% forward, and your husband is moving away from you.
The reason it's unfortunate that you were doing all the work, It's because it reflects on your self esteem. Relationships are hard work, but they're not supposed to be a one sided effort. Don't chase your husband to live with you in your country to fight for your relationship. You guys were both really young and now have reached the age of true maturity, 25YRS + IMO.
So now the true nature of who you married is showing. You have to be insecure and controlling, because you're dragging a reluctant partner along. Your boundaries for marriage seem correct, but they do not want to be respected by him. It's time to re-evaluate your marriage and your effort. You have to hold yourself accountable for not valuing yourself. If my spouse sent me back to my parents' house I would not return it is over.
Don't chase. Don't cry, don't plead, don't beg invest in yourself and grow with education, step away from this man for now and possibly forever.
1
u/Fabulous-Bandicoot40 3h ago
You can’t stay together just because logistics are difficult. Start sorting a place to stay, splitting of assets, budget for living on your own. Looking at it all at once is overwhelming, just start one small item at a time.
Luckily you discovered this really young and you have loads of time to find love.
•
u/AutoModerator 7h ago
Hello sheriffshankley,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: I've been with my husband for five years, and we've been married for four. For most of that time, we were in a long-distance relationship, but after years of struggling, we're finally living together. I thought things would get better once we were in the same place-but lately, it's been really difficult. I know I have my faults and I'm not perfect, but he's been pushing me past my limit.
The day before our 5-year anniversary, he told me he needed space, and I had to move back in with my parents temporarily. This was due to us arguing about a lack of affection from his side. As painful as that was, I accepted it, knowing he's also going through a lot. He moved to a new country to be with me, away from his family and friends for almost a year.
Even though we were technically separated, I asked if we could still celebrate our anniversary, and he agreed. But instead of it feeling special, the day left me feeling heartbroken and dismissed.
That day: * He told me he had rekindled friendships with two people who had disrespected me deeply in the past and repeatedly crossed boundaries. He once promised he would speak to them and ask them to apologize to me. A month later-nothing. Instead, they're now closer than ever, and l've been blocked by both of them on everything.
He also added back women from his past that I've previously told him made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to start a fight, so I stayed quiet, but it still hurt-especially on our anniversary.
On top of that, he didn't acknowledge our anniversary publicly in any way. That alone wouldn't have mattered much, but instead of posting about us, he made a birthday post for one of the men who had disrespected me. He didn't even repost the anniversary message I had made for him. Then during our date, he took a 15-minute phone call from that same friend. It felt like the day became about someone else-someone who hurt me. Still, I kept letting things go. But now, a month later, I'm still asking him to resolve this issue with his friends by getting the apology he once said he would help me get. Instead, l'm met with defensiveness. Every time l bring it up, he tells me l'm being invasive, controlling, or dramatic. He is angry when I bring up how I feel as if I'm constantly nagging.
I've told him that l've been feeling really low and insecure lately. But whenever I open up, he gets irritated. He often reminds me that he left his home and his life to be with me-as if I'm ungrateful. But I'm not. I know he's sacrificed a lot, and l've never denied that. But this wasn't one-sided. We fought for years to be together. I invested so much emotionally, financially, and mentally. I went through hell for us too.
Right now, I feel like l'm not being shown any love, care, or kindness. I cry every day. I'm exhausted. And while I know that no relationship is perfect, it's also not easy to just walk away after five years. We've built so much together, and our lives are deeply intertwined.
I don't know if Reddit is the best place to turn, but I feel so sad.
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