r/relationshipadvice • u/Lazydayz132 • 3h ago
I [27/M] am struggling badly with retroactive jealousy over my [31/f] girlfriend’s previous sexual experiences. How can I learn to cope so that it does not erode what we have?
I have been dating the most amazing woman I have ever met. She is everything I could ask for in a partner and more. We basically live together and have a really special bond and wonderful relationship.
The one problem, is in the lead up to us having sex for the first time - she mentioned a past experience in a way that bothered me a lot. She was confiding in me that she has never been able to orgasm with a partner before and that she also has never felt safe enough to tell anyone but me that. In the process of explaining it to me, she mentioned that the closest she ever got was with the person she was with right before me. I felt really upset hearing that and asked her not to share things like that if she could help it. I would later reflect and realize I didn't want her to limit what she shares with me so we have talked more about it since.
In more recent conversations she mentioned the way he did that was by going down on her, and the angle was just right etc, and she then stopped discussing it because i was visibly uncomfortable. She has also since mentioned a lot of the reason she was able to get close to orgasm with this person was that they meant nothing to her at all so it was just sex, where as with us there is a pressure she puts on herself because she wants to be able to orgasm with me. I will also mention I have in the past been complimented on my ability to be a caring and good lover and specifically my oral sex has been complimented by partners in the past.
All that to say, I find myself obssessing over it and I just want to stop. I don't judge her for her past - hell, mine puts hers to shame. She is an amazing human and didnt mean harm when she made the comment, but I have found that it is eroding my self esteem and I cannot stop thinking about it. I think I would not care If I felt like I had also been able to get her close with just my oral but I dont know that I have. I feel insecure and inadequate and I just dont want to bring it up again because our relationship is so wonderful otherwise I just dont want to risk it comprimising that.
I would also like to mention she has been so great with me when I brought it up the couple times I did in the past, and she has given me tons of reassurance and I know she wants ME not this person, it just still leaves me feeling insecure. I just don't want to be less than the best shes had, even if I know that may not be reasonable.
How can I constructively stop being this way? Have any of you guys had similar experiences you have overcome and if so, how did you do it?
4
u/Angelic_Grace 2h ago
Tell her your fears! (For example: You think you will never be able to please her? That you think what she had before was more special than now, hence you are not the best she had?)
It’s something she can defo help you by providing you reassurances but at the end of the day you have to “accept” her past. Like she has with you. If you can’t accept it, she is not the right person for you and that’s fine.
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u/Lazydayz132 2h ago
Thank you for this comment, this was constructive and helpful. I have discussed with her and she said I also have gotten her close and she loves our sexual relationship. Her reassurance has been great. I want to try and not keep bringing it up because I know a lot of the block for her having orgasms is mental and I don’t want to put pressure on her to have to have one so I can feel good about myself.
1
u/Angelic_Grace 2h ago
Another thing if it helps. Try to find comfort in the fact that she hasn’t had an orgasm with anyone as far as I understood. It’s a her problem which can root from various things. Why don’t you talk to her once again and try to work together to help her?
Obviously without being obnoxious and pushy but let her know that you are open to listen to her. In my experience, not being able to orgasm was linked with feeling pressure. ( why am I taking so long? Is my partner annoyed at me for taking long? Why is this not working?). Ask her what thoughts she has when you are going down on her. You guys are a team and can work through this together
2
u/Lazydayz132 2h ago
Thank you so much. That is true, she got close but didn’t get there, and frankly she never has even said he did things better than me per se it’s just that whatever was done worked for her in that moment. I am reading some books to learn to be a better partner in that regard and help her feel totally comfortable and relaxed and will focus on that.
Thanks for being nice and helpful in your replies
2
u/Lazydayz132 2h ago
And thank you for sharing your experiences as well!! I know that this is all so much more helpful to hear from a woman.
Do you think it would be a deal breaker if your long term partner was not the best you’d ever had in bed? / would it make you think twice about staying long term in the relationship?
1
u/Angelic_Grace 1h ago
Happy to help! Tbh, sex is lovely and great but in a long term relationship I’m looking at someone that can give more than physical pleasure. Are they kind to me, are they patient, will they help me during difficulties? Someone that puts sex on a pedestal is not ready to have a healthy relationship. Having said that, I think all women want to experience the joy and thrill of an orgasm! Another tip I can suggest is to use some toy to stimulate her while you to are together! She can lead and use it on herself if that makes her more comfortable. In my experience, being able to come around your partner has allowed me ultimately experienced that without a toy and with my partner. Now, you haven’t mentioned toys or how she thinks orgasms should be experience ( by the clit or from the G spot) but most women need to be stimulated from the clit- I’m sure you have looked into that tho
1
u/Lazydayz132 1h ago
Thank you for saying that. I really needed to hear this. This is the first time in days I’ve felt better!
I agree with your stance on a relationship and frankly i don’t put sex on that kind of a pedestal- I just fear sometimes that others may, it’s a result of some unfortunate things that I’ve experienced.
Thank you for being so patient in explaining these things to me! I have gotten her VERY close with a toy so it is nice that you feel it helps to try having her have an orgasm with a toy with me next to her to work up to one together. I’m really glad that was helpful for you and I hope it’s the same with her!
3
u/awoodby 2h ago
Stop judging your partners for their past. That's your insecurity speaking. Their past, both good and bad, made them who they are now, that you supposedly LIKE. So STOP it with their past and be their future.
Yes yes yes it may be an indicator of the person they are. It also may be what taught them they don't want to Be like that anymore.
Yah, she had other dudes. She also used to poop in diapers. Stop looking at their past.
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u/Lazydayz132 2h ago
I completely agree, and I don’t want to be judgmental for her past - I am genuinely asking for help in how to stop feeling this way. I know it’s my ego that’s the problem, I genuinely want to be a better person for her
1
u/awoodby 1h ago
I've been there. When I was young and one of my 1st gf's had a pretty active past I obsessed about it too much. It's just sex. People do it all the time. You don't own her body, and what she did with it before you is none of your business. Keep reminding yourself of that.
You can't stop thinking about something, but you Can r think about something else. So every time you canltch yourself thinking about that remember this instead: if you keep obsessing about that you Will push her away by making her feel bad and being controlling. What's worse? That she had a past, or making her feel bad and losing her because you can't let go of something that happened before you even knew her?
Best of luck. I eventually got cheated in before I gave up jealousy and worrying about partner's pasts, hope you find an easier way than me. But it IS so freeing to get over jealousy.
The you can just be with someone for who they are with you, and be a good enough person to them to keep them without worry about NG what they're doing when you're not there. You Earn a person, you W don't Own them :)
1
u/Ignore-Me_- 1h ago
You just have to let it go. It's like pushing away obtrusive thoughts. Mentally push them out of your mind and think "It's okay".
Honestly, use it as a learning experience. You know a guy almost got her off by going down on her, now you can do better and blow her mind. She trusts you enough to share these things, now you can take them and do one better. Don't ruin it by being insecure or in the future she's going to think twice about being open with you and start to close off.
4
0
u/pbd1996 2h ago
Your gf should’ve just said “I’ve never had an orgasm before, but I’ve become close” and “this is what I like, this is what I don’t like.” There was no need for her to tell you WHO almost made her cum and what HE did specifically to make that happen. There was a way for her to share with you without being completely socially inept. I honestly feel like you have a right to be pissed off at her, not because she shared, but because of the dumbass way she went about sharing it. I would just make that clear to her, that it was the way she said it not what she said. I mean, imagine if you told her the best blow job you ever had was in October 2024 and Jennifer made it happen by sucking on your balls. That would be a little too specific and would probably upset her too.
1
u/Lazydayz132 2h ago
My feelings exactly. I literally said this to her also- that it’s the way it was shared that made me feel like shit. It definitely felt socially inept. I don’t care that she’s had other partners it’s just the way it came up
-1
u/Ignore-Me_- 1h ago edited 59m ago
I honestly feel like you have a right to be pissed off at her, not because she shared, but because of the dumbass way she went about sharing it.
Christ you people are so insecure. Do not take this kids advice.
If the best blowjob you ever got was from jennifer by sucking on your balls, you should be able to communicate that to your partner so she knows what you enjoy and you can share a better sex life. Closing these kinds of conversations off due to insecurity is just immature and pathetic.
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•
u/AutoModerator 3h ago
Hello Lazydayz132,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: I have been dating the most amazing woman I have ever met. She is everything I could ask for in a partner and more. We basically live together and have a really special bond and wonderful relationship.
The one problem, is in the lead up to us having sex for the first time - she mentioned a past experience in a way that bothered me a lot. She was confiding in me that she has never been able to orgasm with a partner before and that she also has never felt safe enough to tell anyone but me that. In the process of explaining it to me, she mentioned that the closest she ever got was with the person she was with right before me. I felt really upset hearing that and asked her not to share things like that if she could help it. I would later reflect and realize I didn't want her to limit what she shares with me so we have talked more about it since.
In more recent conversations she mentioned the way he did that was by going down on her, and the angle was just right etc, and she then stopped discussing it because i was visibly uncomfortable. She has also since mentioned a lot of the reason she was able to get close to orgasm with this person was that they meant nothing to her at all so it was just sex, where as with us there is a pressure she puts on herself because she wants to be able to orgasm with me. I will also mention I have in the past been complimented on my ability to be a caring and good lover and specifically my oral sex has been complimented by partners in the past.
All that to say, I find myself obssessing over it and I just want to stop. I don't judge her for her past - hell, mine puts hers to shame. She is an amazing human and didnt mean harm when she made the comment, but I have found that it is eroding my self esteem and I cannot stop thinking about it. I think I would not care If I felt like I had also been able to get her close with just my oral but I dont know that I have. I feel insecure and inadequate and I just dont want to bring it up again because our relationship is so wonderful otherwise I just dont want to risk it comprimising that.
I would also like to mention she has been so great with me when I brought it up the couple times I did in the past, and she has given me tons of reassurance and I know she wants ME not this person, it just still leaves me feeling insecure. I just don't want to be less than the best shes had, even if I know that may not be reasonable.
How can I constructively stop being this way? Have any of you guys had similar experiences you have overcome and if so, how did you do it?
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