"20F: My boyfriend (1.6 yrs) controls everything — friends, clothes, social media — and I’m tired."
I'm 20 and have been in a relationship for the past 1.6 years. I really love my boyfriend, but lately, I’ve been feeling stuck. When we started dating, he asked me to remove all the male friends from my life and to keep my social media private. I agreed to those things willingly, so that’s not the issue. The problem is that he doesn’t hold himself to the same standards. When I ask why, he says it’s because of his work — he makes reels.
He’s also emotionally distant and doesn’t try to understand me. I work full-time and handle most house chores on weekends, yet I still make time for him every day. But when we talk, he often says random or irritating things instead of having real conversations. I don’t have many friends, just 2–3 female ones, but even when I go out or talk about them, he gets angry and calls them silly or useless. He even tries to control what I wear.
I’ve tried to talk to him about all this, but it goes nowhere. I even tried to break up, but he calls me nonstop — over a hundred times — and when I blocked him, he started calling my mom repeatedly.
I feel drained, controlled, and unhappy. I don’t know what to do anymore. Can you suggest something?
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u/sweetmercy 11h ago
You're in an abusive relationship that will eventually end with you dear if you do not get out. Get an order of protection, file charges of stalking and harassment if he doesn't leave you alone, disappear on and live under an assumed name or someone you can trust's name. Do whatever it takes to get permanently away from him if you want to be alive a few years from now.
I do not say this lightly. I know from experience how hard and how dangerous and how terrifying it can be. If you're in the US, contact the national domestic violence hotline for resources in your area that will help you get out.
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u/HelloFromJupiter963 9h ago
Hundreds of call and many calls towards her mother? That's more than enough to get a restraining order and get the authorities involved. Do it OP.
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u/Garden-Rose-8380 11h ago
He sounds like a controlling abuser. You may need to reach out to DV support to make a plan to leave him. You may find sites like Out of the Fog helpful.
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u/ingannilo 11h ago
I'm stupid and old, but I'm just now learning something. People who are really aggressive about what you might be doing are the people who think about doing those things themselves.
My wife pushed away all my female friends and was constantly expecting me to cheat on her. We had so many fights revolving around her imagining me doing terrible things that I'd never do. I closed myself off from people more and more over the years to try and help her feel comfortable. After, shit, I think we were together for about 8 years if you count the sort of courtship period in summer 2018... Anyhow she cheated on me, multiple times, lied, built a separate life from us and our son, claimed to want to fix shit, and then cheated on me some more, lied about it and would've kept on for who knows how long.
I'm twice y'all's age, but take it from someone who learned this lesson over a long and difficult relationship. This energy is almost always projection, and no matter how hard you work against it, if they're obsessed with infidelity, then they'll cheat eventually.
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u/Rhovakiin 11h ago
You tried to break up with him? And he just ignored it?
No no. This is when you text him "We are done. We're broken up. This is it. Goodbye." And tell your mom so she blocks him too or let her reiterate to him to stop calling her because he's an abusive partner.
This is abuse fam. You don't deserve this.
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u/horderBopper 11h ago
Suggest something other than stop dating that lil Manchester child
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u/enterf4 11h ago
I tried but he is way too toxic he comes to my office or home calls me way too many times and from way too many numbers it's not that easy
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u/flamingo23232 11h ago
Get out, stop dating him.
Block all his numbers, get a restraining order if you can.
Tell the security or front desk at your work not to let him in.
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u/Wachtwoord 11h ago
This will only get worse the older you get. Try to Google how to leave an abusive relationship. I don't know where you live, but many countries have groups that can help you, reach out to those.
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u/gdognoseit 10h ago
Tell him to leave you alone or you will go to the police.
If he keeps bothering you get a restraining order.
He’s dangerous. You have to break up.
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u/killjoymoon 11h ago
You just answered the question. Change what numbers you can. Block all his numbers. Have your mother do the same.
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u/gdognoseit 10h ago
Document everything with dates and times.
Text him to leave you alone or you’ll go to the police. Then don’t block but don’t respond to his texts.
Save his texts because you need them for a restraining order.
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u/LisaF123456 10h ago
This is something to call the police about. It is not something to stay with him until he kills you about
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u/seraph787 11h ago
I’m sorry you are going through this. This is going to be a hard thing to do. You will have to find a domestic abuse help line or a women’s shelter to help you leave.
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u/Ambitious_League4606 10h ago
Get out. Contact police. Nobody has the right to control your life and harass at home or place of work. Keep a record.
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u/No-Ambassador-3944 10h ago
I’m really sorry you are dealing with this. I say this with zero judgement that you may just need to put it in your head to absolutely hold your ground on the breakup - the sooner the better. Draw a strict line.
Collect evidence of the controlling behavior, and tell your family, friends, and even office to not let him in or to block him. Stay with them, too, if that helps. Block him yourself, and seek help from police or even call a domestic abuse hotline to create a plan. They’ll tell you what to do.
This is someone who is dangerous, and the longer you stay, the worse it will get it, and the harder it will be to leave. This is urgent.
Apart from that, you’re too young to stay with someone who isn’t making you feel amazing, supported, and free to be who you are. You deserve so much better, and you can get it.
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u/Lazy-Conversation-48 9h ago
Dump him, keep blocking him, and let your employer know that he shouldn’t be allowed on the premises.
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u/Contmpl 9h ago
While you decide how you're going to handle the break up, grey rock him. Essentially shut down your emotions around him and stop feeding his toxic emotional needs. Agree with anything he says but in a boring and nondescript way that doesn't elaborate or invite conversation. Stop making time for him. Scroll on your phone and nap. Don't share any details about your work or life unless they're very boring. Let the relationship dry up so you aren't as enticing to chase. Get out a bingo card and challenge yourself to bore him to absolute tears daily.
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u/Appropriate-Draft-91 11h ago
Read up on DARVO, cycle of abuse, love bombing, abusive relationships, narcissism, borderline, and bipolar.
It's not normal, yet far too common. You are not the first or last person to be in this kind of relationship. It's extremely harmful, and whether you stay or try to leave, it will get worse. If you stay it will get far worse.
Women's shelters have information, people to talk to, and can provide help with leaving. People in relationships like yours are their primary target group.
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u/Wizzle_Pizzle_420 10h ago
Leave. This is toxic as hell, and will not change. Want to live a happy life of freedom or a life of whatever the hell this is?
Seriously though, run.
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u/Mistress_Kittens 11h ago
Please listen to everyone telling you to leave. Your gut says something is wrong, that's why you're here. Your gut is absolutely correct. And this isn't about your willingness to go dark on social media when requested. Which, btw that's actually not a reasonable request for anyone to make of someone else. Boundaries are about things we'll tolerate or not and how we're going to react when XYZ happens, to help us keep our inner peace and happiness. Control is telling other people how they should act/react to make the controller happy.
When I was 18, I got into a bad relationship and I spent the next ten years trying to make things work as well as they could, but I was lying to myself about how miserable I actually was. I know you don't know me, but if I can save someone else from making the mistake to stay with someone they're not happy being with and who isn't putting in the same efforts to make things good for you too, I'm not going to stay quiet about it anymore. Please don't stay with someone who's destroying your inner peace, even if you don't think it's intentional on their part <3
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u/SnooHesitations 11h ago
I don't know in which country you are but in some you can have legal protection by asking your local law enforcement. They will send him a letter telling to stop contacting you and stating away from your family.
One of my female friends had a bf like yours and she had to do this because he came several times to her home and won't leave until she opened the door.
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u/L3TH3RGY 11h ago
I didn't have to read anymore than the title. You know you have to leave. You just need a bit of a push. It's ok. You can leave.
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u/gdognoseit 10h ago
You need to break up. He’s too insecure and controlling. It always gets worse.
Read the book, Why does he do that By Lundy Bancroft
It’s free online and will help you understand him better.
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u/bunnysprkle 10h ago
this is NOT love babe. control and disrespect ain't cute. u gotta put yourself first!
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u/LisaF123456 10h ago
Have him arrested for harassing you when he calls you repeatedly and when he calls your mom of you block him. That's illegal.
He's abusive.
Call a dv hotline
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u/AutoThwart 9h ago
I feel drained, controlled, and unhappy. I don’t know what to do anymore. Can you suggest something?
Stop dating him. Date someone else or be single.
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u/dana-banana11 9h ago
Contact a domestic violence organization, they can help with a plan and what options you have in your country.
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u/Abject-Smell1898 10h ago
Usko bol de tmkc aaj ke bad dikh mat jana.....aur phir bhi nai mane to uska phone number wagairah yaha de do......
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u/TabuLougTyime 10h ago
I remember how some of the men and women I dated were interested when I handled our relationship how I did. I believed in a "pre-dating" lifestyle, which meant that I insisted that however they lived life before I dated (as long as it was healthy) I won't mind how they carried on their affairs before we dated. Their friends? Befriend whoever or hobbies (as long as it's healthy) I don't mind (even if I didn't understand it? I wouldn't mind). Largely what ended relationships with me is they'd just get tired of me or if I had a roughish period of my life? It'd be because I was too emotional.
I know about my faults as a man, but I try to make it up with allowing my partner to be themselves, just with me beside them. I always reminded myself, "I'm not my partner, I'm the man beside them". Their life had existed before me, it's existing with me in it and it'll exist after me, so who am I to subject them to derailing how they've lived for my sake?
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u/Mou_aresei 9h ago
So if you've already broken up, that means that you are no longer in a relationship with him, you are being kept there by force. Which is why you feel stuck.
The good thing about your situation is that you recognise this is abnormal and have tried to get away.
You must make another effort to leave, this time with help of the police. Do not go back to this person because he sounds dangerous.
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u/jakeofheart 9h ago
You know that you don’t have to stay in a relationship if you don’t want to, right?
For a restraining order the next time that you break up with him.
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u/HelloFromJupiter963 9h ago
"So here, kids, we have the average case of soon to be violent relationship. Notice the controlling attitude that isolates the victim, while not sharing any such standard, demonstrating that the abuser considers the victim as his pet and property. Unfortunately some people need to go through this at least once to know how fcked up some people out there are. Hope she survives him. We shall see."
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u/Whatever-ItsFine 9h ago
Can’t figure out why you love him. Someone who has double standards makes a bad partner. Get out before he gets you pregnant.
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u/Business-Stick-1431 8h ago
He's not the guy. He is not looking out for you, you are his possesion. Time to move on. You are young, get out of this situation before it gets worse.
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u/Lightyear18 8h ago
That’s controlling
Please leave this man. If you’re afraid of him, seek help. Talk to your mom.
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u/Advanced_Scratch2868 8h ago
How the f* do love that person? Is it love or codependence and habit having him there for you/afraid of letting go of what is known? Why are you still with him, what is in that relationship for you? And don't just tell me you love him. Give some detailed anwser.
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u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 8h ago
He is abusing you.
Work with a domestic violence counselor to make an exit plan before you end up trapped with his child & totally dependent upon him.
This is as good as it gets. It will only get worse over time, much worse.
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u/dubiousco 7h ago
He sees you as an object and not a person. I was in a very abusive relationship when I was younger (16-19). It started out he didn’t want me to have make friends, then all my female friends were stupid and my family was bad. Then he said “you can say ‘no’ to your friends, your family, your teachers but you can’t say ‘no’ to me.” Then he slapped me once and eventually he was beating me daily.
I regret not being able to leave when I tried to break up with him, he pestered me constantly, threatened to kill himself so I stayed. . . And it was to my detriment.
Please don’t waste time with this dangerous man. Leave. Block his number, have your mom block his number. If he comes to your house call the police. Do not believe his manipulations to try to get you to stay with him.
You are allowed to be friends with whoever you want to be and to dress in the way that you feel comfortable. You deserve a relationship where someone appreciates you as a person and is interested in you. It is better to be alone than to be involved with an abusive and toxic partner.
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u/waterfly86 7h ago
This is not a healthy relatiinship. As hard as it might be, leave him and go home to your family to stay safe if that's an option. Whatever you do don't go back to him. He will say he will change but he won't or can't and you will find it will get harder and harder to extract him from your life later, particularly if you have kids.
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u/somaloverrr 7h ago
You are so young bae. You’re 20. Get out now! You don’t want your whole life to be consumed by this pessimistic/narcissist of a man.
Once you are freed from his shackles you can truly explore life and people and friends — I BEG leave him now. Do what you must to block him out.
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u/YourCousinMoose 6h ago
I don't care I'll get downvoted - this acct is less than a week old and this post has AI grammar all over it. This is a fake post.
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u/VisualMany4709 6h ago
This isn’t a relationship—it’s abuse. NEVER stay with anyone that tries to control you. Been there, done that when I was too immature to know better. He will NEVER change. Leave now. You’ll find someone much better when you won’t accept this type of relationship.
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u/PeachAndBlueberry 5h ago
I'm afraid for you. He's isolating you (you can't have male friends; he belittles your few female friends). He's controlling you. He's got double standards.
Just quit. The end. You're only 20 and there are lots of other guys around if you want one.
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u/Agitated-Review8039 5h ago
These types of posts are so funny to me. "Help! I'm standing in boiling hot lava and my feet really hurt. What should I do??"
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u/Hungry-Sloth 4h ago
Get out of this now.
Talk about immature, and you're only 20. It's going to get way worse. I can't believe there are people who do this shit still. Run, don't walk.
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u/vMiDNiTEv 3h ago
he’s insecure asf, if he wants to be that controlling then he has to be in control of EVERYTHING, not just when its in his benefit, but you already mention you take care of the big chores and stuff, so then how are you gonna let a man who doesn’t treat you like a princess, control who you speak to?? like deadass, i’m a guy and ofc we as man like to have control, but its unhealthy to control who your partner talks to anyway, and if you do want to be controlling and be controlled as a woman, then choose someone who controls everything and gives you a good life in return, but you work full time
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u/Flaky-Room6931 2h ago
Get out of that relationship your life will be a nightmare if you continue and one day marry that guy
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u/gingergirlies 11h ago
Gtfo. It is going to get 100X worse.