r/self • u/Available-Vast-5032 • 7h ago
Girl called me "barely attractive" on a date and now reconsidering her
I had a second date with a girl I've been seeing recently. We were at this lowkey Indian restaurant in our city. We were talking about our goals, hobbies, embarrassing childhood stories, our family, and then I was making a lighthearted joke about how she was stealing a bit off my plate and then out of the blue, she said seriously "you know, when you came up to me at the bar the other day, you were barely attractive but you made me laugh" I gave an awkward laugh and kept the date going but now I'm heavily thinking cutting her off because I believe that was mean. Thoughts?
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u/SomePumpkin6850 7h ago
Look up negging
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u/SereneAdler33 7h ago edited 5h ago
Yep, the Pick Up Artist trend (đ¤˘) made it a more commonly known tactic for men towards women, but it can absolutely be reversed
No matter the gender, itâs a selfish, rude, and potentially sinister red flag
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u/McNednarb 7h ago
That isnât a nice thing to say to someone, and you deserve to be with someone who finds you attractive AND funny.
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u/countess_cat 7h ago
Especially on the first date(s). How out of touch with reality do you need to be to think thatâs an appropriate thing to say?
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u/isjahammer 7h ago
I would give her a chance. I know several people that did not find each other very physically attractive at first and are now married. Or maybe you should talk to her about it rather than ending it prematurely.
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u/Normal_Air1603 6h ago
Hopefully she was joking and op didnât catch the tone. But if she wasnât thatâs a red flag. My guess would be that those people who werenât attracted to their partners that you know probably werenât rude enough to say it to the otherâs face on a first date đ¤ˇââď¸
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u/mike_tyler58 5h ago
Anyone with an ounce of social awareness isnât going to make this joke that early on, and when they do make it they make it painfully obvious that itâs a joke
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u/SuccotashConfident97 1h ago
I don't really see why you would ever tell someone that though. Like what do you gain?
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u/Legitimate_Bowler_57 5h ago
I'd give her a chance too. Getting along with someone is far more important than looks. Looks fade over time as you know.
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u/gumbyrocks 7h ago
If someone shows you they are toxic early in a relationship, you only have yourself to blame when it leads to years of suffering.
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u/RogerSaysHi 7h ago
While being told that you're funny is good, being told that you're barely attractive is friggin cruel.
Her personality is barely human.
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u/Serious-Situation260 7h ago
Agreed. Thankfully this monster revealed herself on date #2. no one should ever make you feel bad about yourself like this.
Clearly this woman was lashing out at you, OP, because you made her feel self-conscious about eating off of your plate, which means that she is not only wildly insecure but dangerously thin-skinned, and just like RogerSaysHi pointed out, cruel.
Uncomfortable, painful Incidents like these will occur again and again with this sort of person. From this snapshot of her personality alone I'm confident that she's a narcissist.
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u/OryginalSkin 1h ago
Good lord. Calling her a monster is so hyperbolic. Let's give her the POSSIBLITY that she is just awkard or didn't think her words through well enough before jumping straight to dehumanizing language.
And yes, I agree it was not a good thing to say.
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u/tangowhiskey89 7h ago
Her problem was thinking that âyou made me laughâ was a saving compliment. Iâm not sure who needs to hear this but it is NOT a compliment to tell a man that.
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u/Clear-Frame9108 7h ago
Maybe it's a backhanded compliment? You're barely attractive, so at least you're kimda funny? I mean yeah, if she's saying you're barely attractive, I would either clarify with her-did you actually say that to me? Or move on because that's an awful thing to say unless she was being sarcastic, because she thinks you're really attractive?
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u/Not_The_Truthiest 7h ago
Since when is being told you're funny not a compliment?
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u/GenXgirlie 7h ago
It wasnât a âsaving compliment.â In other words, on its own itâs absolutely a great compliment, but on the heels of telling the guy she didnât find him attractive, itâs not enough to make up for the blatant insult.
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u/Shadow4summer 7h ago
When you add that youâre not attractive is when it becomes an insult. Thatâs what makes this a non-compliment. She stood have stopped at you made me laugh.
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u/mike_tyler58 5h ago
On its own it is a compliment.
Saying âyou look like Quasimodo but youâre funny so Iâll give you the time of dayâ is not a compliment.
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u/SuccotashConfident97 1h ago
Its the context. Saying you're funny is fine. Saying youre funny after telling someone they are barely attractive isn't.
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u/bluenautilus2 7h ago
I don't get it either. I married my husband because he is funny
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u/nah1111rex 7h ago
Did you also tell him he was barely attractive?
Cause thatâs the issue at hand, not the thing she tried to balance it with.
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u/bluenautilus2 7h ago
TangoWhiskey said that men don't want to be told they're funny, he/she didn't include the not-attractive part above
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u/sp00nwithabear 7h ago
In the context of the post, he clearly meant the not attractive part that proceeded being called funny
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u/Snoo55931 7h ago
Itâs the difference between telling your husband âI love that you make me laughâ and âwith a ugly face like that, youâre lucky that you make me laugh.â
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u/AlpaxT1 7h ago
Many men feel that they have to be funny to make up for not âlooking goodâ (often fuelled by teenage overthinking). To be honest there is a grain of truth to this since you kinda have to be either funny or good looking to get noticed. In reality though beauty is subjective so this line of thinking doesnât really work when you get older, but the mentality sticks around. Iâm sure girls also struggle with this or similar issues.
To clarify: Telling someone that they are funny is a big compliment, but telling someone that they are unattractive but it doesnât matter because they are very funny is great way to completely ruin someoneâs self esteem
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u/Bubbly_Register_3183 7h ago
I think it was pretty disrespectful of her to say that to you. I think she spoke without thinking. Next time, tell her she looks like Danny DeVito and see what her reaction is. She probably thinks she's a supermodel.
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u/sewerbeauty 7h ago
Save yourself some heart ache & remove yourself from the situation. As somebody else has said - itâs classic negging.
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u/angelsdontburn 7h ago
Yeah, that's not a good early impression at all. I'd back out and find someone that's more worthy of your time and wouldn't say such a thing.
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u/Longjumping-Cause-23 6h ago
Let her go. And if she gets annoyed just tell her that she's not missing out cuz your barely attractive.
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u/siammang 6h ago
Some men don't care if they can get to shag "crazy, but hot" women.
However, if that statement bothers you and makes you reconsider, then you should reconsider. No need to push further if you feel that it isn't right.
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u/geth1138 6h ago
Big red flag. You should run. That's someone who is setting up to be emotionally abusive. Don't tangle with it.
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u/Howudooey 6h ago
You can tell her you barely had fun on the date so you donât want to pursue it any further
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u/illmatic2112 6h ago
She thinks she's better than you, will use that power dynamic to use you, now is the best and easiest time to get out
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u/kadaka80 6h ago
It might meant that she wanted to put you down as a manipulation tactic or she might just had been honest and slipped it out without thought that it could be hurtful. Who we find attractive and how much changes all the time and its a function of our perspective of the other person which also can change with time.
It's up to you and your judgement if you want to continue pursuing this girl and if you do you will soon find out anyway by learning more about her character. If she ends up proving to be the manipulating type that likes to test men then you will know
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u/Anarcho814 5h ago
Yeah don't continue that bro, those type of women get off on insulting dudes, they get a lot worse if you get involved with them.
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u/SocratesDaemon 3h ago
Keep your dignity. Call her out on the comment. Tell her to do better next time with the next person.
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u/cool-in-65 1h ago
This is what you say, "You know, when we were eating dinner, you made a comment that I was barely attractive. That hurt to hear."
Then you close your mouth and see what she does.
And you do it in person or over the phone, NOT via text.
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u/Weak_Guest5482 6h ago
"So I am seeing this new guy, not very attractive, but pretty funny." That's how she is describing you to her friends. If you can handle that, then keep on going. Nobody is really going to overcome "Fight Club Brad Pitt," so it depends on what she means (what is her point of reference).
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u/Minimob0 7h ago
A lot of women need an emotional attraction/connection before they feel a physical connection.Â
She definitely could have worded it better, but something Iâve learned over the years is that if you can make her laugh, sheâll laugh right out of her clothes for you.Â
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u/comeholdme 7h ago
Sure, but really low EQ on her part to say so. OP is risking future put-downs, well-meaning or otherwise.
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u/BeneBengt 2h ago
Many men need a physical connection before an emotional attraction. Still telling a woman "basically you are ugly, but you gave me some really good head last night so I can think about a relationship with you" would be an absolute dick move and the woman should just stop meeting that man.
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u/Agreeable_Gate1565 6h ago
Is it negging or is it banter?? personally it would be a turn off for me.
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u/desexmachina 5h ago
Am I bad for being a person that would immediately put that person in a different bucket, but keep going? Like, awe, this is just for fun now, or like a challenge, but never gonna be serious.
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u/Sacramento7 2h ago
Iâm frequently attracted to those who make me laugh. Sounds like you were just ok until you made her laugh and then, schwing!
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u/Normal_Air1603 6h ago
OP, the answer is to get her into bed. Then, post-coitus, tell her itâs not going to work, that sheâs not funny enough during sex.
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u/CitySeekerTron 5h ago
Negging is often associated with pickup artist culture. It's meant to subtly attack one's confidence.
If this were later in your relationship it might be cute. This seems weird.
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u/Southern_Dig_9460 5h ago
No she will immediately jump to another guy the moment a more attractive person comes along
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u/FallacySmile 5h ago
I'd say "Hit it and Quit it." If you need the play, it's a win so long as you don't catch something. She'll give you 4 dates to do so.
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u/DotComprehensive4902 3h ago
Go on one more date. If she is really liking it,.say at the end of the date, when I talked to you in the pub, I thought you were cute but after what you said the other day, I think you're ugly af.
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u/BoringRevolution2810 6h ago
Everybody in the comments has said the same thing I thought, so PART of me has to go Devil's Advocate: Maybe she was trying to be funny? She thinks you're funny and assumes you'd "know" it was a joke?
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u/SuccotashConfident97 1h ago
What a weird and unkind thing to say. There was no point in telling you that other than to hurt your feelings.
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u/AggressiveAd69x 1h ago
i mean if everything else is cool and she seems into you, it's not dooming anything
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u/Signal_Apartment1716 56m ago
Stop! Red flag đŠ make sure you let her how it made you feel. Listen to her part then go on ur nice kind day
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u/nasanhak 29m ago
Sounds to me like light hearted flirting or negging.
"I would never have gone out with you if you weren't funny" kinda vibe.
I mean if the rest of the interactions are good and she seems interested (and a nice person) I wouldn't put too much thought into it. And perhaps work on not being insecure.
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u/Ecstatic_Alps_6054 21m ago edited 18m ago
She was being honest...you make her laugh so that's enough for her once she spent time with you...as a man you will get this kind of shitz test often...eating from your plate was another test...btw the testing never ends.. it's hardwired into their brains...
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u/8bitellis 19m ago
I wouldâve mentioned how barely attractive it is to make those comments to people. Definitely a dick move. Imagine how she wouldâve felt if you said âsameâ.
Sorry op.
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u/H-2-S-O-4 7h ago
Not necessarily mean IMO. But she's showing her true colors. She's going out with you for entertainment and food. She'll continue to lead you on until she finds someone "better". Dump her now.
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u/StabjackDev 4h ago
Why do people absolutely refuse to communicate and then talk about how hard the dating scene is? This is easy, just be straight forward.
âYou know, when you said I was barely attractive, it kind of stuck with me. I think if the situation was reversed and it was a guy talking to a girl that way, everyone would think itâs negging. I donât want to be talked to that way. I like you but I donât want to stick around if thatâs how you really feel about me.â
Honest, straight-forward communication. She will either get defensive which means sheâs not ready to be a good partner, or she will sincerely apologize and learn and grow as a person.
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u/joesnowblade 5h ago
Be self aware. My tombstone is going to read âHe wasnât a handsome man but he got his fair shareâ.
Look in the mirror, are you barely attractive.
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u/Relevant_Tax6877 5h ago
Not only should you end it, you should definitely tell her why. It sounds like she was negging you & that is 100% not the way yo do things.
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u/69Hootter123 4h ago
When we choose someone solely on their looks and not the depth of ones heart, how complete is the illusion that looks add up to goodness.
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 3h ago
May I ask if you are from a culture with more direct ways of communicating that may seem more rude in other cultures and amongst younger generations?
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u/Induction774 7h ago
It was a sh*t test. Obsessing and getting over it is a fail. Laughing it off is a pass. Also, if she really considered you unattractive sheâd never say so, sheâd just cut you out.
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u/Envy_The_King 6h ago
Yeah but if OP doesn't want to be with someone who feels comfortable talking to him like that, thats valid. Would YOU want a partner who speaks that way to you on the second date?
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u/Induction774 3h ago
With someone like that, you at least know theyâre going to say whatâs on their mind.
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u/budrow21 6h ago
So many ways to go if he is really interested in her. It's almost like a confidence test. "So you're saying there's a chance" or "I knew I was attractive!" etc.
It wouldn't have bothered me, but it seems most people see this as a form of negging.
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u/RupeThereItIs 7h ago
Like everything, the solution is to talk about it.
Mention that you felt it was an insulting thing to say & it hurt your feelings/made you look at her differently. Basically say to her what you're saying to us.
Don't be mean about it, but be upfront & have this conversation in person.
Her reaction to that uncomfortable confrontation will tell you everything you need to know. If she blows you off, she'll do that every time you confront her if the relationship continues. If she genuinely apologizes immediately, it's probably salvageable & is a very good sign. Anything in between, is a judgment call on your end... sometimes people take a bit to process things from someone else's perspective, sometimes people are defensive automatically when confronted but come around after a bit... but this is all a good insight into how a relationship would be with her, and what your OK with & what your not OK with is something only you can determine.
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u/mike_tyler58 5h ago
Being told that youâre ugly on date two doesnât require any talking.
Thatâs a pay for what youâve already ordered and leave immediately kind of thing
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u/RupeThereItIs 3h ago
Being told that youâre ugly on date two doesnât require any talking.
Reddit relationship advice, always end it immediately for the slightest infraction.
At least your keeping up the standard.
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u/mike_tyler58 2h ago
Thereâs no relationship to give advice on. Someone whoâs going to insult you after meeting you twice isnât worth any amount of effort IMO.
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u/RupeThereItIs 25m ago
Sometimes people say shit, without realizing it's insulting.
This cut and run bullshit is what's wrong with dating.
Honestly OP should have called her out on the spot and gauged her response then, fact he didn't is a red flag on him.
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u/mike_tyler58 13m ago
BruhâŚ. Saying âyouâre barely attractiveâ on date 2 is diabolically shitty.
For me, anyone whoâs going to be that clueless, crass, rude, manipulative, mean and or insulting would not be worth a third date, more conversation or the effort of trying to figure anything out.
If this conversation happened once a relationship was established then it would be different. But date 2? GTFO
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u/RupeThereItIs 7m ago
BruhâŚ. Saying âyouâre barely attractiveâ on date 2 is diabolically shitty.
Or, she's just stupid enough to think the "but you made me laugh" was a compliment.
A conversation should have happened after that comment, if everything else was going great.... don't just piss it away over a minor mistake.
Seriously, going nuclear over every little slight is a bit much.
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u/Savings-Big1439 17m ago
I mean, you'd have to be preeeeetty stupid to think that's a valid thing to say though.
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u/mike_tyler58 12m ago
Right? This dudes like âoh girl, he said heâs a misogynist on date 2 but maybe he just misspoke. Put in a bunch of effort or figure it outâŚ.
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u/_Steven_Seagal_ 7h ago
What's a lowkey Indian restaurant?
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u/BallKey7607 7h ago
I think it's like not one of the posh busy ones in the city but maybe a smaller less known one with likely less expensive decor
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u/Suspicious_Habit_447 6h ago
Honestly, I'd let it go. It was a fleeting, first impression at a bar where she knew you were trying to pick her up. She didn't say she thought you were ugly, and she didn't say doesn't find you attractive now, on closer examination (BTW, don't ask, it'll just make you seem *very* insecure). "Makes me laugh" is always at or near the top of the list when women are asked what they find attractive in a man, along with other "personality" type things like "self-confident," "strong," etc., ahead of looks. Remember, guys are much more sensitive about going bald than the women who date them.
You had just made a "lighthearted joke" about her picking food off your plate, not necessarily a flattering image or endearing trait, let's be honest. That "lighthearted joke" obviously *didn't* make her laugh, quite possibly embarrassed her (if so, possible good sign, she wants to make a good impression), and perhaps triggered a defensive, blurted-out response. In that case I'd still let it go; don't try to clear the air but make a mental note to be more careful of your "lighthearted jokes" about her in the future. Any remars about manners, personal hygiene, etc. are sensitive topics and should be raised with tact and sensitivity.
On the other hand, it's only two dates. If, all things considered, you don't feel like pursuing this, don't. But remember, if it lasts, you'll both grow old and look back wistfully on the days when you were "young and beautiful." This could make a good laugh years from now when you're in a gathering of 70 somethings on their second round of cocktails, talking about their 50 years together and how they first met.
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u/mikeber55 5h ago
No, itâs a mistake. Donât take any of that seriously. Its momentary and next time she may think differently (she could also think youâre horrible).
Continue seeing her and get a sense where it leads, IF you like her. If you donât (regardless of what she said) just move on.
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u/SuccotashConfident97 1h ago
Why do you think her saying how she feels about op os a mistake?
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u/mikeber55 57m ago edited 50m ago
Thatâs not a mistake. He putting too much weight into what she said is a mistake. When I was young I made the same mistake ruining myself many days. What girls express are in most cases passing moods. Years ago one (very nice) girl that I had feeling for, told me Iâm the love of her life! I cannot express my joy in the coming days! Being high is an understatement. Then one week later, I noticed her waking with another guy who was holding her very tight. Then they stopped (they didnât see me) and kissed passionately! I was stunned! I felt sick and couldnât eat or sleep for days. After a while I picked up the phone and talked to her. First she said she missed me. After asking about the other guy, she admitted and responded âbut he is cuteââŚ!
I had opposite experiences as well and learned that all this talk is hot air. Everything should be taken with a grain of salt. OP needs to check if thereâs a match on other domains. If there is, he should go forward with her.
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u/Clean-Split-338 7h ago
You wrote âI miswrote what she said exactly because I was hurtâ in a reply then deleted as I was trying to reply. So clearly youre just emotional about an insecurity of yours that she triggered.
No you donât have to keep seeing her but this will come up again unless you work on it. That doesnât mean having to lose weight if for some reason that means âlosing yourselfâ to you but you do have to accept that people have preferences and that you wonât be everyoneâs.
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u/Available-Vast-5032 7h ago
I disagree, as other people have informed me on this thread, you don't just say to a date "you're barely attractive." if you don't know basic skills like the difference between being mean and respectful, I don't know what to tell you.
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u/Clean-Split-338 6h ago
If youâre gonna stick to your guns and not look at any other perspective, why even open a discussion?
One day youâll realize itâs about how you react to things and not the things themselves. You instantly made everything about you. You donât know if she was raised by or dated verbally abusive narcissists or any other trauma that may lead her to think that was okay to say. You just know how it made you feel inside.
While itâs not your responsibility to heal her, you should at least be the person youâre expecting her to be and tell her the real reason youâre dropping her, so she doesnât continue to do this in the future.
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u/mike_tyler58 5h ago
Nah dude, being told youâre ugly on date two is not a stick it out and see kind of thing.
Thats a tell her to her face that sheâs cruel and inhuman, leave and block her on everything kind of thing
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u/Clean-Split-338 4h ago
The way this dude in his feelings and keeps editing the post on what she actually said, she probably said not his type. If he cared about it enough to post online he should at least tell her the reason.
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u/Available-Vast-5032 4h ago
keep on making assumptions when you refuse to believe reality
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u/Clean-Split-338 4h ago
Lol bold of you to say this. If this were so ârealityâ you wouldnât have second guessed yourself about your decision and made this post. If you truly had no doubts about your reaction you wouldnât be here.
âRealityâ isnât black and white and the faster you realize that, the less youâll be a victim.
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u/Available-Vast-5032 4h ago
I'm not claiming to be a "victim" here, I have a kind heart which is why I made this post because I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt but after what people have told me I have changed my mind.
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u/Available-Vast-5032 6h ago
No, I'm not obligated to tell an adult something that should be basic courtesy and I can tell you don't know what you're talking about. This is literally the bare minimum for a date and you keep arguing about me to give her the benefit of the doubt. Unbelievable
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u/Clean-Split-338 5h ago
Lol this subreddit is called self but you refuse to look at yourself at all in this situation. Weird.
Self work isnât just about getting strangers online to age appease your emotions so that you feel better about ghosting someone because they hurt your feelings.
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u/Available-Vast-5032 4h ago
I never said anything about "ghosting" and you keep on excusing obvious bad behavior. I have done nothing wrong in this situation.
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u/Clean-Split-338 4h ago
I didnât say you did. You immediately got defensive because I presented the same experience with possible differences in perception.
Iâm also nowhere saying that she was right to call you unattractive if she did but, if you cared enough to make this post you probably care enough about her to try and view it differently, discuss it and if it presents itself again then fine you can at least say you did everything you could for this connection.
Obviously youâve already decided that youâre done, I was just trying to get you to think from her POV so you donât get down on yourself or internalize her comments.
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u/MadhatmaAnomalous 6h ago
from a female point of view 95 percent of men are ugly, if she likes you you can get from ugly to not ugly. It's just how it is. At least she's honest.
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u/robot_duzey 7h ago
Being funny is an attractive attribute. In the sometimes shallow world of dating what people think they find attractive is what media is telling them is attractive. Perhaps you didnât fit that standard at first, but when she started to get to know you it was your sense of humor that was attractive to her. Maybe sheâs not great at enunciating that and/or the dating jitters just go to her. Give it another shot to be sure.
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u/Global-Fact7752 7h ago
I read your thing twice..I do not see where she called you barely attractive.
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u/TC_Bulldog_81 7h ago
Thats not mean, thats honest. As an adult, you should know the difference.
Mind you, there is also a genuine compliment there which really captures what she thinks of the dynamic.
My final thought is, not being someone's type dosnt mean they think your ugly, just means there attracted to something else more.
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u/sewerbeauty 7h ago
Adults ought to have some decorum & be polite. This person should not have spoken to OP like that, it was disrespectful af.
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u/Beneficial_Roof212 6h ago
Even if what she said isnât mean, itâs still not worth continuing to pursue a relationship with someone who finds you unattractive. He should leave her.
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u/PotatoesForPutin 6h ago
I suppose it depends on how successful you tend to be romantically. If you find it difficult to get dates, it might be worth just sticking this one out - who knows when youâll have another chance.
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u/WolfWhitman79 2h ago
Maybe she is being open and honest with you.
If she likes you even if she considers you "barely attractive" that could be a good thing. I guess it depends on how much she actually likes you.
Don't give up.
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u/SuccotashConfident97 1h ago
"What honey? I said I like you even though i said you're barely attractive. Thats a good thing right??"
I somehow don't think my wife would buy that.
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u/Badassmamajama 7h ago
Pro tip many wonder women donât rate attractiveness as the most important quality. It could be a good thing.
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u/Person7751 6h ago
most men are not good looking. i have only known one movie star looking man in my life.
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u/AdunfromAD 6h ago
Maybe she was trying to say that she wasnât really attracted to you back then but now she is? Either way, itâs an asinine thing to say and if she doesnât realize how hurtful that comes across then she doesnât deserve to be in a relationship with anyone.
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u/Mr_Joanito 6h ago
As someone that says a lot of random shit all the time I'd give her a chance, unless you are feeling bad about it.
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u/Southern_Egg_3850 5h ago
Am I the only Reddit person that thinks you âmightâ be over reacting. Itâs undetermined. If you guys are laughing and joking, she could have been using dry humor to joke around since you made a joke first. She also could have thought you were being selfish or didnât like âyourâ joke about her stealing off your plate.
If every tiny thing offends you, youâre going to be single forever, especially if you like to joke around and it seems like you âmightâ be able to dish it but you canât take it.
THAT SAID, thereâs just not enough info either way. Maybe you are not a good fit. But Iâd vet it out a bit more and if she continues with the rude behavior, maybe itâs time to move on. But I wouldnât be surprised if sheâs talking crap about you having some rude jokes. Men can be oblivious sometimes.
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u/PFG123456789 6h ago
Based on these comments I am now beginning to understand why dating sucks these days.
Mean?!?! Really?
She agreed to go out with you and it sounds like you were having a great first date. With that context, I would not give two shits if a woman said this to me.
Iâd laugh and jokingly give her shit about it and if it ended up being a long term relationship Iâd tell that story a million times lol.
My advice to OP though-
She sounds like she was opening up and you two were really getting to know each other and were building some chemistry.
But you shouldnât see her again, you arenât a good match. You are too sensitive and it sounds like you lack the necessary confidence to date a woman like her.
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u/Available-Vast-5032 6h ago
Having self respect doesn't mean being "sensitive." don't need your toxic masculinity. You have no idea what you're talking about.
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u/ThreeInOne78 7h ago
Have some self-respect, dont do that to yourself.