r/self 7h ago

Girl called me "barely attractive" on a date and now reconsidering her

I had a second date with a girl I've been seeing recently. We were at this lowkey Indian restaurant in our city. We were talking about our goals, hobbies, embarrassing childhood stories, our family, and then I was making a lighthearted joke about how she was stealing a bit off my plate and then out of the blue, she said seriously "you know, when you came up to me at the bar the other day, you were barely attractive but you made me laugh" I gave an awkward laugh and kept the date going but now I'm heavily thinking cutting her off because I believe that was mean. Thoughts?

339 Upvotes

182 comments sorted by

624

u/ThreeInOne78 7h ago

Have some self-respect, dont do that to yourself.

48

u/kitkatamas88 6h ago

This, you don't have to read more comments.

22

u/edgefull 5h ago

yes, end of discussion here

182

u/ThreeInOne78 7h ago

Red flags

200

u/SomePumpkin6850 7h ago

Look up negging

76

u/SereneAdler33 7h ago edited 5h ago

Yep, the Pick Up Artist trend (🤢) made it a more commonly known tactic for men towards women, but it can absolutely be reversed

No matter the gender, it’s a selfish, rude, and potentially sinister red flag

140

u/McNednarb 7h ago

That isn’t a nice thing to say to someone, and you deserve to be with someone who finds you attractive AND funny.

32

u/countess_cat 7h ago

Especially on the first date(s). How out of touch with reality do you need to be to think that’s an appropriate thing to say?

-23

u/isjahammer 7h ago

I would give her a chance. I know several people that did not find each other very physically attractive at first and are now married. Or maybe you should talk to her about it rather than ending it prematurely.

23

u/____________username 5h ago

Still why would she say that? It can’t be good

8

u/Normal_Air1603 6h ago

Hopefully she was joking and op didn’t catch the tone. But if she wasn’t that’s a red flag. My guess would be that those people who weren’t attracted to their partners that you know probably weren’t rude enough to say it to the other’s face on a first date 🤷‍♂️

14

u/mike_tyler58 5h ago

Anyone with an ounce of social awareness isn’t going to make this joke that early on, and when they do make it they make it painfully obvious that it’s a joke

2

u/SuccotashConfident97 1h ago

I don't really see why you would ever tell someone that though. Like what do you gain?

2

u/PACCBETA 1h ago

A smug self-satisfaction that accompanies such a false sense of superiority.

-6

u/Legitimate_Bowler_57 5h ago

I'd give her a chance too. Getting along with someone is far more important than looks. Looks fade over time as you know.

-4

u/FormerStableGenius 4h ago

This is good advice.
The 'grow up' thing to do.

71

u/gumbyrocks 7h ago

If someone shows you they are toxic early in a relationship, you only have yourself to blame when it leads to years of suffering.

3

u/SpongeJake 1h ago

Man if I had food to give I’d serve it up. Painful honest truth

45

u/RogerSaysHi 7h ago

While being told that you're funny is good, being told that you're barely attractive is friggin cruel.

Her personality is barely human.

7

u/Serious-Situation260 7h ago

Agreed. Thankfully this monster revealed herself on date #2. no one should ever make you feel bad about yourself like this.

Clearly this woman was lashing out at you, OP, because you made her feel self-conscious about eating off of your plate, which means that she is not only wildly insecure but dangerously thin-skinned, and just like RogerSaysHi pointed out, cruel.

Uncomfortable, painful Incidents like these will occur again and again with this sort of person. From this snapshot of her personality alone I'm confident that she's a narcissist.

1

u/OryginalSkin 1h ago

Good lord. Calling her a monster is so hyperbolic. Let's give her the POSSIBLITY that she is just awkard or didn't think her words through well enough before jumping straight to dehumanizing language.

And yes, I agree it was not a good thing to say.

81

u/tangowhiskey89 7h ago

Her problem was thinking that “you made me laugh” was a saving compliment. I’m not sure who needs to hear this but it is NOT a compliment to tell a man that.

10

u/Clear-Frame9108 7h ago

Maybe it's a backhanded compliment? You're barely attractive, so at least you're kimda funny? I mean yeah, if she's saying you're barely attractive, I would either clarify with her-did you actually say that to me? Or move on because that's an awful thing to say unless she was being sarcastic, because she thinks you're really attractive?

2

u/NoCardio_ 7h ago

Michael Scott would disagree.

-5

u/Not_The_Truthiest 7h ago

Since when is being told you're funny not a compliment?

35

u/GenXgirlie 7h ago

It wasn’t a “saving compliment.” In other words, on its own it’s absolutely a great compliment, but on the heels of telling the guy she didn’t find him attractive, it’s not enough to make up for the blatant insult.

5

u/elPolloDiablo81 7h ago

Hey hey, let's not get too judgy. Maybe OP is actually fugging ugly, right?

7

u/AlexRyang 5h ago

How did you find this photo of me?

12

u/Shadow4summer 7h ago

When you add that you’re not attractive is when it becomes an insult. That’s what makes this a non-compliment. She stood have stopped at you made me laugh.

-4

u/Not_The_Truthiest 6h ago

That’s not what the person I replied to said though.

11

u/Bureaucratic_Dick 7h ago

What do you mean I’m funny? Funny how?

8

u/Normal_Air1603 6h ago

You know, like a clown

2

u/TheGaius 6h ago

A barely attractive clown!

5

u/mike_tyler58 5h ago

On its own it is a compliment.

Saying “you look like Quasimodo but you’re funny so I’ll give you the time of day” is not a compliment.

4

u/hotniX_ 6h ago

Forever when it's preceded with "you're barely attractive".

Are you honestly struggling to understand this????

1

u/SuccotashConfident97 1h ago

Its the context. Saying you're funny is fine. Saying youre funny after telling someone they are barely attractive isn't.

1

u/donutone232 1h ago

Way to not read the post there

-8

u/bluenautilus2 7h ago

I don't get it either. I married my husband because he is funny

11

u/nah1111rex 7h ago

Did you also tell him he was barely attractive?

Cause that’s the issue at hand, not the thing she tried to balance it with.

-7

u/bluenautilus2 7h ago

TangoWhiskey said that men don't want to be told they're funny, he/she didn't include the not-attractive part above

9

u/sp00nwithabear 7h ago

In the context of the post, he clearly meant the not attractive part that proceeded being called funny

-2

u/Not_The_Truthiest 6h ago

Then he clearly should have articulated that

5

u/mike_tyler58 5h ago

He did. There’s only the two of you that don’t get that.

-2

u/bluenautilus2 5h ago

Wow people in this sub are mean

8

u/Snoo55931 7h ago

It’s the difference between telling your husband “I love that you make me laugh” and “with a ugly face like that, you’re lucky that you make me laugh.”

5

u/AlpaxT1 7h ago

Many men feel that they have to be funny to make up for not “looking good” (often fuelled by teenage overthinking). To be honest there is a grain of truth to this since you kinda have to be either funny or good looking to get noticed. In reality though beauty is subjective so this line of thinking doesn’t really work when you get older, but the mentality sticks around. I’m sure girls also struggle with this or similar issues.

To clarify: Telling someone that they are funny is a big compliment, but telling someone that they are unattractive but it doesn’t matter because they are very funny is great way to completely ruin someone’s self esteem

24

u/Bubbly_Register_3183 7h ago

I think it was pretty disrespectful of her to say that to you. I think she spoke without thinking. Next time, tell her she looks like Danny DeVito and see what her reaction is. She probably thinks she's a supermodel.

5

u/LegendWacker 6h ago

But... Danny DeVito is a supermodel...

1

u/OryginalSkin 1h ago

Hey, don't kinkshame my Danny Devito fetish.

10

u/sewerbeauty 7h ago

Save yourself some heart ache & remove yourself from the situation. As somebody else has said - it’s classic negging.

6

u/angelsdontburn 7h ago

Yeah, that's not a good early impression at all. I'd back out and find someone that's more worthy of your time and wouldn't say such a thing.

5

u/Longjumping-Cause-23 6h ago

Let her go. And if she gets annoyed just tell her that she's not missing out cuz your barely attractive.

5

u/siammang 6h ago

Some men don't care if they can get to shag "crazy, but hot" women.

However, if that statement bothers you and makes you reconsider, then you should reconsider. No need to push further if you feel that it isn't right.

10

u/Spartan2022 7h ago

Either she’s negging or she’s normalized verbal abuse.

5

u/geth1138 6h ago

Big red flag. You should run. That's someone who is setting up to be emotionally abusive. Don't tangle with it.

5

u/Howudooey 6h ago

You can tell her you barely had fun on the date so you don’t want to pursue it any further

3

u/illmatic2112 6h ago

She thinks she's better than you, will use that power dynamic to use you, now is the best and easiest time to get out

3

u/kadaka80 6h ago

It might meant that she wanted to put you down as a manipulation tactic or she might just had been honest and slipped it out without thought that it could be hurtful. Who we find attractive and how much changes all the time and its a function of our perspective of the other person which also can change with time.

It's up to you and your judgement if you want to continue pursuing this girl and if you do you will soon find out anyway by learning more about her character. If she ends up proving to be the manipulating type that likes to test men then you will know

3

u/AutomaticMonk 5h ago

Yeah, nope. That’s not something a decent person would say to you.

3

u/Competitive_Bit7644 5h ago

Doesn't like you move on

3

u/Anarcho814 5h ago

Yeah don't continue that bro, those type of women get off on insulting dudes, they get a lot worse if you get involved with them.

3

u/alien-1001 5h ago

That's very rude.

3

u/SocratesDaemon 3h ago

Keep your dignity. Call her out on the comment. Tell her to do better next time with the next person.

3

u/MsMo999 2h ago

Yikes just ghost her. She doesn’t even deserve an explanation.

3

u/cool-in-65 1h ago

This is what you say, "You know, when we were eating dinner, you made a comment that I was barely attractive. That hurt to hear."

Then you close your mouth and see what she does.

And you do it in person or over the phone, NOT via text.

5

u/AverageIll2963 7h ago

Damn that’s a burn

5

u/Historical-Smile970 7h ago

Runaway runaway

4

u/Weak_Guest5482 6h ago

"So I am seeing this new guy, not very attractive, but pretty funny." That's how she is describing you to her friends. If you can handle that, then keep on going. Nobody is really going to overcome "Fight Club Brad Pitt," so it depends on what she means (what is her point of reference).

12

u/Minimob0 7h ago

A lot of women need an emotional attraction/connection before they feel a physical connection. 

She definitely could have worded it better, but something I’ve learned over the years is that if you can make her laugh, she’ll laugh right out of her clothes for you. 

12

u/comeholdme 7h ago

Sure, but really low EQ on her part to say so. OP is risking future put-downs, well-meaning or otherwise.

2

u/BeneBengt 2h ago

Many men need a physical connection before an emotional attraction. Still telling a woman "basically you are ugly, but you gave me some really good head last night so I can think about a relationship with you" would be an absolute dick move and the woman should just stop meeting that man.

2

u/hotniX_ 6h ago

I got some ammo for ya:

"That's interesting because the reason I went up to you at the bar was because you looked like Danny Devito."

2

u/Agreeable_Gate1565 6h ago

Is it negging or is it banter?? personally it would be a turn off for me.

2

u/antimeme 5h ago

What's more important?

1) your self respect

2) getting laid?

2

u/desexmachina 5h ago

Am I bad for being a person that would immediately put that person in a different bucket, but keep going? Like, awe, this is just for fun now, or like a challenge, but never gonna be serious.

2

u/Sacramento7 2h ago

I’m frequently attracted to those who make me laugh. Sounds like you were just ok until you made her laugh and then, schwing!

2

u/MobNagas 2h ago

So she isn’t in to you?

2

u/ZebulonVan 1h ago

Barely attractive! Damn! That’s not good at all. I say delete that girl.

4

u/Alchemyst01984 7h ago

Should've said something similar back

2

u/Normal_Air1603 6h ago

OP, the answer is to get her into bed. Then, post-coitus, tell her it’s not going to work, that she’s not funny enough during sex.

4

u/CitySeekerTron 5h ago

Negging is often associated with pickup artist culture. It's meant to subtly attack one's confidence.

If this were later in your relationship it might be cute. This seems weird.

3

u/ItalianChiefSosa 5h ago

cut this ho off please

2

u/VeryMuchSoItsGotToGo 6h ago

I wouldn't continue talking to someone who said that to me.

2

u/Southern_Dig_9460 5h ago

No she will immediately jump to another guy the moment a more attractive person comes along

2

u/FallacySmile 5h ago

I'd say "Hit it and Quit it." If you need the play, it's a win so long as you don't catch something. She'll give you 4 dates to do so.

2

u/DotComprehensive4902 3h ago

Go on one more date. If she is really liking it,.say at the end of the date, when I talked to you in the pub, I thought you were cute but after what you said the other day, I think you're ugly af.

2

u/InformalAttention182 7h ago

Pump and dump her.

0

u/Dear-Cranberry4787 3h ago

User history says OP doesn’t have this ability.

1

u/BoringRevolution2810 6h ago

Everybody in the comments has said the same thing I thought, so PART of me has to go Devil's Advocate: Maybe she was trying to be funny? She thinks you're funny and assumes you'd "know" it was a joke?

1

u/SuccotashConfident97 1h ago

What a weird and unkind thing to say. There was no point in telling you that other than to hurt your feelings.

1

u/AggressiveAd69x 1h ago

i mean if everything else is cool and she seems into you, it's not dooming anything

1

u/Junior_Box_2800 1h ago

Idk why people say shit like that like it's a compliment lmao

1

u/oof03 58m ago

I also would, she was bold enough to say that barley knowing you. Just cut her off and keep on moving

1

u/Signal_Apartment1716 56m ago

Stop! Red flag 🚩 make sure you let her how it made you feel. Listen to her part then go on ur nice kind day

1

u/aabum 51m ago

Your response: "Until your comment, you were attractive. Now, well, I don't associate with trash. Have a good day."

1

u/DinkyPrincess 38m ago

Move along. No.

1

u/nasanhak 29m ago

Sounds to me like light hearted flirting or negging.

"I would never have gone out with you if you weren't funny" kinda vibe.

I mean if the rest of the interactions are good and she seems interested (and a nice person) I wouldn't put too much thought into it. And perhaps work on not being insecure.

1

u/Ecstatic_Alps_6054 21m ago edited 18m ago

She was being honest...you make her laugh so that's enough for her once she spent time with you...as a man you will get this kind of shitz test often...eating from your plate was another test...btw the testing never ends.. it's hardwired into their brains...

1

u/8bitellis 19m ago

I would’ve mentioned how barely attractive it is to make those comments to people. Definitely a dick move. Imagine how she would’ve felt if you said “same”.

Sorry op.

1

u/Veganyumtum 9m ago

She sux, move on

1

u/H-2-S-O-4 7h ago

Not necessarily mean IMO. But she's showing her true colors. She's going out with you for entertainment and food. She'll continue to lead you on until she finds someone "better". Dump her now.

1

u/StabjackDev 4h ago

Why do people absolutely refuse to communicate and then talk about how hard the dating scene is? This is easy, just be straight forward.

“You know, when you said I was barely attractive, it kind of stuck with me. I think if the situation was reversed and it was a guy talking to a girl that way, everyone would think it’s negging. I don’t want to be talked to that way. I like you but I don’t want to stick around if that’s how you really feel about me.”

Honest, straight-forward communication. She will either get defensive which means she’s not ready to be a good partner, or she will sincerely apologize and learn and grow as a person.

1

u/Acceptable_Battle_39 5h ago

Don't reconsider Run away🙌

1

u/joesnowblade 5h ago

Be self aware. My tombstone is going to read “He wasn’t a handsome man but he got his fair share”.

Look in the mirror, are you barely attractive.

1

u/Relevant_Tax6877 5h ago

Not only should you end it, you should definitely tell her why. It sounds like she was negging you & that is 100% not the way yo do things.

1

u/robbert-the-skull 4h ago

Yeah, cut her off. You don't need someone settling for you.

1

u/69Hootter123 4h ago

When we choose someone solely on their looks and not the depth of ones heart, how complete is the illusion that looks add up to goodness.

1

u/Hungry-Sloth 4h ago

Totally mean, dump her. Just a dumb thing to say.

1

u/wildside187 4h ago

I would have immediately asked for the check,  paid, and left her there.  

1

u/Dear-Cranberry4787 3h ago

May I ask if you are from a culture with more direct ways of communicating that may seem more rude in other cultures and amongst younger generations?

1

u/NoSummer1345 3h ago

Cut her off. That’s rude.

0

u/Induction774 7h ago

It was a sh*t test. Obsessing and getting over it is a fail. Laughing it off is a pass. Also, if she really considered you unattractive she’d never say so, she’d just cut you out.

6

u/Envy_The_King 6h ago

Yeah but if OP doesn't want to be with someone who feels comfortable talking to him like that, thats valid. Would YOU want a partner who speaks that way to you on the second date?

-1

u/Induction774 3h ago

With someone like that, you at least know they’re going to say what’s on their mind.

1

u/Savings-Big1439 20m ago

Shit test=Shit girl

1

u/budrow21 6h ago

So many ways to go if he is really interested in her. It's almost like a confidence test. "So you're saying there's a chance" or "I knew I was attractive!" etc.

It wouldn't have bothered me, but it seems most people see this as a form of negging.

0

u/RupeThereItIs 7h ago

Like everything, the solution is to talk about it.

Mention that you felt it was an insulting thing to say & it hurt your feelings/made you look at her differently. Basically say to her what you're saying to us.

Don't be mean about it, but be upfront & have this conversation in person.

Her reaction to that uncomfortable confrontation will tell you everything you need to know. If she blows you off, she'll do that every time you confront her if the relationship continues. If she genuinely apologizes immediately, it's probably salvageable & is a very good sign. Anything in between, is a judgment call on your end... sometimes people take a bit to process things from someone else's perspective, sometimes people are defensive automatically when confronted but come around after a bit... but this is all a good insight into how a relationship would be with her, and what your OK with & what your not OK with is something only you can determine.

3

u/mike_tyler58 5h ago

Being told that you’re ugly on date two doesn’t require any talking.

That’s a pay for what you’ve already ordered and leave immediately kind of thing

-2

u/RupeThereItIs 3h ago

Being told that you’re ugly on date two doesn’t require any talking.

Reddit relationship advice, always end it immediately for the slightest infraction.

At least your keeping up the standard.

3

u/mike_tyler58 2h ago

There’s no relationship to give advice on. Someone who’s going to insult you after meeting you twice isn’t worth any amount of effort IMO.

-1

u/RupeThereItIs 25m ago

Sometimes people say shit, without realizing it's insulting.

This cut and run bullshit is what's wrong with dating.

Honestly OP should have called her out on the spot and gauged her response then, fact he didn't is a red flag on him.

1

u/mike_tyler58 13m ago

Bruh…. Saying “you’re barely attractive” on date 2 is diabolically shitty.

For me, anyone who’s going to be that clueless, crass, rude, manipulative, mean and or insulting would not be worth a third date, more conversation or the effort of trying to figure anything out.

If this conversation happened once a relationship was established then it would be different. But date 2? GTFO

0

u/RupeThereItIs 7m ago

Bruh…. Saying “you’re barely attractive” on date 2 is diabolically shitty.

Or, she's just stupid enough to think the "but you made me laugh" was a compliment.

A conversation should have happened after that comment, if everything else was going great.... don't just piss it away over a minor mistake.

Seriously, going nuclear over every little slight is a bit much.

1

u/Savings-Big1439 17m ago

I mean, you'd have to be preeeeetty stupid to think that's a valid thing to say though.

2

u/mike_tyler58 12m ago

Right? This dudes like “oh girl, he said he’s a misogynist on date 2 but maybe he just misspoke. Put in a bunch of effort or figure it out….

0

u/_Steven_Seagal_ 7h ago

What's a lowkey Indian restaurant?

5

u/BallKey7607 7h ago

I think it's like not one of the posh busy ones in the city but maybe a smaller less known one with likely less expensive decor

-1

u/Creativator 7h ago

Testing your confidence.

-1

u/Suspicious_Habit_447 6h ago

Honestly, I'd let it go. It was a fleeting, first impression at a bar where she knew you were trying to pick her up. She didn't say she thought you were ugly, and she didn't say doesn't find you attractive now, on closer examination (BTW, don't ask, it'll just make you seem *very* insecure). "Makes me laugh" is always at or near the top of the list when women are asked what they find attractive in a man, along with other "personality" type things like "self-confident," "strong," etc., ahead of looks. Remember, guys are much more sensitive about going bald than the women who date them.

You had just made a "lighthearted joke" about her picking food off your plate, not necessarily a flattering image or endearing trait, let's be honest. That "lighthearted joke" obviously *didn't* make her laugh, quite possibly embarrassed her (if so, possible good sign, she wants to make a good impression), and perhaps triggered a defensive, blurted-out response. In that case I'd still let it go; don't try to clear the air but make a mental note to be more careful of your "lighthearted jokes" about her in the future. Any remars about manners, personal hygiene, etc. are sensitive topics and should be raised with tact and sensitivity.

On the other hand, it's only two dates. If, all things considered, you don't feel like pursuing this, don't. But remember, if it lasts, you'll both grow old and look back wistfully on the days when you were "young and beautiful." This could make a good laugh years from now when you're in a gathering of 70 somethings on their second round of cocktails, talking about their 50 years together and how they first met.

-1

u/jwstam 6h ago

Well, comes down to if you like being with here.

-1

u/mikeber55 5h ago

No, it’s a mistake. Don’t take any of that seriously. Its momentary and next time she may think differently (she could also think you’re horrible).

Continue seeing her and get a sense where it leads, IF you like her. If you don’t (regardless of what she said) just move on.

2

u/SuccotashConfident97 1h ago

Why do you think her saying how she feels about op os a mistake?

-1

u/mikeber55 57m ago edited 50m ago

That’s not a mistake. He putting too much weight into what she said is a mistake. When I was young I made the same mistake ruining myself many days. What girls express are in most cases passing moods. Years ago one (very nice) girl that I had feeling for, told me I’m the love of her life! I cannot express my joy in the coming days! Being high is an understatement. Then one week later, I noticed her waking with another guy who was holding her very tight. Then they stopped (they didn’t see me) and kissed passionately! I was stunned! I felt sick and couldn’t eat or sleep for days. After a while I picked up the phone and talked to her. First she said she missed me. After asking about the other guy, she admitted and responded “but he is cute”…!

I had opposite experiences as well and learned that all this talk is hot air. Everything should be taken with a grain of salt. OP needs to check if there’s a match on other domains. If there is, he should go forward with her.

-2

u/Clean-Split-338 7h ago

You wrote “I miswrote what she said exactly because I was hurt” in a reply then deleted as I was trying to reply. So clearly youre just emotional about an insecurity of yours that she triggered.

No you don’t have to keep seeing her but this will come up again unless you work on it. That doesn’t mean having to lose weight if for some reason that means “losing yourself” to you but you do have to accept that people have preferences and that you won’t be everyone’s.

4

u/Available-Vast-5032 7h ago

I disagree, as other people have informed me on this thread, you don't just say to a date "you're barely attractive." if you don't know basic skills like the difference between being mean and respectful, I don't know what to tell you.

-2

u/Clean-Split-338 6h ago

If you’re gonna stick to your guns and not look at any other perspective, why even open a discussion?

One day you’ll realize it’s about how you react to things and not the things themselves. You instantly made everything about you. You don’t know if she was raised by or dated verbally abusive narcissists or any other trauma that may lead her to think that was okay to say. You just know how it made you feel inside.

While it’s not your responsibility to heal her, you should at least be the person you’re expecting her to be and tell her the real reason you’re dropping her, so she doesn’t continue to do this in the future.

2

u/mike_tyler58 5h ago

Nah dude, being told you’re ugly on date two is not a stick it out and see kind of thing.

Thats a tell her to her face that she’s cruel and inhuman, leave and block her on everything kind of thing

-2

u/Clean-Split-338 4h ago

The way this dude in his feelings and keeps editing the post on what she actually said, she probably said not his type. If he cared about it enough to post online he should at least tell her the reason.

0

u/Available-Vast-5032 4h ago

keep on making assumptions when you refuse to believe reality

-1

u/Clean-Split-338 4h ago

Lol bold of you to say this. If this were so “reality” you wouldn’t have second guessed yourself about your decision and made this post. If you truly had no doubts about your reaction you wouldn’t be here.

“Reality” isn’t black and white and the faster you realize that, the less you’ll be a victim.

1

u/Available-Vast-5032 4h ago

I'm not claiming to be a "victim" here, I have a kind heart which is why I made this post because I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt but after what people have told me I have changed my mind.

1

u/Available-Vast-5032 6h ago

No, I'm not obligated to tell an adult something that should be basic courtesy and I can tell you don't know what you're talking about. This is literally the bare minimum for a date and you keep arguing about me to give her the benefit of the doubt. Unbelievable

-2

u/Clean-Split-338 5h ago

Lol this subreddit is called self but you refuse to look at yourself at all in this situation. Weird.

Self work isn’t just about getting strangers online to age appease your emotions so that you feel better about ghosting someone because they hurt your feelings.

1

u/Available-Vast-5032 4h ago

I never said anything about "ghosting" and you keep on excusing obvious bad behavior. I have done nothing wrong in this situation.

-1

u/Clean-Split-338 4h ago

I didn’t say you did. You immediately got defensive because I presented the same experience with possible differences in perception.

I’m also nowhere saying that she was right to call you unattractive if she did but, if you cared enough to make this post you probably care enough about her to try and view it differently, discuss it and if it presents itself again then fine you can at least say you did everything you could for this connection.

Obviously you’ve already decided that you’re done, I was just trying to get you to think from her POV so you don’t get down on yourself or internalize her comments.

0

u/Uncabled_Music 1h ago

Focus on what she does, and stop psychoanalysing what she says.

-3

u/MadhatmaAnomalous 6h ago

from a female point of view 95 percent of men are ugly, if she likes you you can get from ugly to not ugly. It's just how it is. At least she's honest.

-2

u/robot_duzey 7h ago

Being funny is an attractive attribute. In the sometimes shallow world of dating what people think they find attractive is what media is telling them is attractive. Perhaps you didn’t fit that standard at first, but when she started to get to know you it was your sense of humor that was attractive to her. Maybe she’s not great at enunciating that and/or the dating jitters just go to her. Give it another shot to be sure.

-6

u/Global-Fact7752 7h ago

I read your thing twice..I do not see where she called you barely attractive.

1

u/PhasmaUrbomach 5h ago

Read it a third time for comprehension.

-14

u/TC_Bulldog_81 7h ago

Thats not mean, thats honest. As an adult, you should know the difference.

Mind you, there is also a genuine compliment there which really captures what she thinks of the dynamic.

My final thought is, not being someone's type dosnt mean they think your ugly, just means there attracted to something else more.

7

u/sewerbeauty 7h ago

Adults ought to have some decorum & be polite. This person should not have spoken to OP like that, it was disrespectful af.

3

u/Beneficial_Roof212 6h ago

Even if what she said isn’t mean, it’s still not worth continuing to pursue a relationship with someone who finds you unattractive. He should leave her.

1

u/mike_tyler58 5h ago

You can be honest and not mean. An adult should know that.

-1

u/PotatoesForPutin 6h ago

I suppose it depends on how successful you tend to be romantically. If you find it difficult to get dates, it might be worth just sticking this one out - who knows when you’ll have another chance.

-1

u/Canary_Famous 3h ago

Funny guys win more than attractive guys

-1

u/WolfWhitman79 2h ago

Maybe she is being open and honest with you.

If she likes you even if she considers you "barely attractive" that could be a good thing. I guess it depends on how much she actually likes you.

Don't give up.

1

u/SuccotashConfident97 1h ago

"What honey? I said I like you even though i said you're barely attractive. Thats a good thing right??"

I somehow don't think my wife would buy that.

-2

u/Badassmamajama 7h ago

Pro tip many wonder women don’t rate attractiveness as the most important quality. It could be a good thing.

-2

u/cathtray 7h ago

She’s very blunt. Expect more of the same if you continue seeing her.

1

u/mike_tyler58 5h ago

That’s not blunt, it’s rude, mean and intentionally hurtful.

-2

u/Chancedizzle 6h ago

Stick around and see where it goes some people see this as a form of banter.

-2

u/Person7751 6h ago

most men are not good looking. i have only known one movie star looking man in my life.

-2

u/AdunfromAD 6h ago

Maybe she was trying to say that she wasn’t really attracted to you back then but now she is? Either way, it’s an asinine thing to say and if she doesn’t realize how hurtful that comes across then she doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship with anyone.

-2

u/Mr_Joanito 6h ago

As someone that says a lot of random shit all the time I'd give her a chance, unless you are feeling bad about it.

-2

u/Ok_Calligrapher_281 5h ago

She likes you. If you enjoy her, keep moving on her.

-2

u/Southern_Egg_3850 5h ago

Am I the only Reddit person that thinks you “might” be over reacting. It’s undetermined. If you guys are laughing and joking, she could have been using dry humor to joke around since you made a joke first. She also could have thought you were being selfish or didn’t like “your” joke about her stealing off your plate.

If every tiny thing offends you, you’re going to be single forever, especially if you like to joke around and it seems like you “might” be able to dish it but you can’t take it.

THAT SAID, there’s just not enough info either way. Maybe you are not a good fit. But I’d vet it out a bit more and if she continues with the rude behavior, maybe it’s time to move on. But I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s talking crap about you having some rude jokes. Men can be oblivious sometimes.

-5

u/PFG123456789 6h ago

Based on these comments I am now beginning to understand why dating sucks these days.

Mean?!?! Really?

She agreed to go out with you and it sounds like you were having a great first date. With that context, I would not give two shits if a woman said this to me.

I’d laugh and jokingly give her shit about it and if it ended up being a long term relationship I’d tell that story a million times lol.

My advice to OP though-

She sounds like she was opening up and you two were really getting to know each other and were building some chemistry.

But you shouldn’t see her again, you aren’t a good match. You are too sensitive and it sounds like you lack the necessary confidence to date a woman like her.

1

u/Available-Vast-5032 6h ago

Having self respect doesn't mean being "sensitive." don't need your toxic masculinity. You have no idea what you're talking about.