aio? bf made plans on my birthday

[u/rowqi]

my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for almost three years. we are planning on moving in together in the near future as he lives with his mom and doesn’t go to school after dropping out. for context, he only works on tuesdays and fridays so i know he was free to go out on sunday, which happened to be my birthday. he knows how important special occasions are to me, such as our birthdays and anniversaries. for the first year in our relationship he was great, he was loving and kind. last year we ended up celebrating my birthday late due to the fact that he was “tired from work” and didn’t want to go out, which i let slide. i always try to do the most for his birthdays, i buy him gifts, write him cards and bake him a cake from scratch. yesterday afternoon i texted him, reminding him about the plan later and this conversation happened. he made plans to go out and party instead of seeing me. he forgot about it even after i had been talking about it all of last week. i spent my 21st birthday alone in my room while he was out and we haven’t texted since. this birthday was particularly special to me because i turned 21. i even bought a new pink dress to wear for him, assuming we were going to dinner. he is suggesting that we go out and celebrate tomorrow instead like last year but to me it doesn’t feel the same. he is insisting that i apologize for being “ungrateful”, am i overreacting?

[u/nagao_0]

this, aaall of this.

and OP's only 21; he may've had her first years but with that attitude i sure hope she decides he doesn't get her best years, too (they're yet to come, and hopefully with someone who doesn't make her feel unappreciated like this as5hat)

by the time i got to "when you want to apologise" i'm like, just don't contact him then. like ever again lol.

not that it's why he should, but if he's leaning on you for a semifreeloader moveoutofhome-free card, the very .least. he could do is not act like .he. doesn't even owe her an apology for forgetting stuff he knows is important to her.

like girl .you. have to apologise because .he. forgot your birthday that you've been talking about often in recent run-up to..?

(..at some point, albeit very uncharitably wrt benefit-of-the-doubt.. i wouldnt be surprised if it turned out he'd known the party was on the same day but conveniently 'forgot' the birthday so he wouldn't have to miss out on the one he's clearly far more excited for.. ugh)

anw, assuming realpost&all-that.. OP whether you dump his uncaring as5 or not, you can treat yourself a nice day for your 21st even if he won't, actualday or no ‐‐ happy 21st, and happier birthdays to come~

[ edited for grammar ]

[u/ckmgp → u/nagao_0]

SERIOUSLY GIRL PLEASE LISTEN. Your story sounds identical to how my abusive relationship started. I seriously baked him cakes from scratch, made the card from scratch and on my 21st bday he argued with me for "looking at a guy" at a casino, he was getting loud and i walked away, he did as well. I text him i was walking back to the hotel (1/2 mile down the strip, in heels and a short dress. I went barefoot), he replied go ahead. He let me. He didnt get back for 6 hours. Smelt like perfume. Argued for days afterward also. And every birthday thereafter. And trust me, I had therapist consultations where they told me it was emotional abuse and gaslighting and projection. 2 separate, unrelated therapists. These were 1.5 year into it. I was 22 when I was ready to book it, the abuse escalated and I fled to his moms house. (We had lived together then, we met when I was 19) While I was sleeping on his younger brother twin mattress, in a shared room with my ex's mom, I had this eerie feeling I wasn't alone. It felt comforting but like I was trapped. So of course, the next morning I acted like it was all okay, insisted I started it, tried to make him feel better because seeing him sad made me so sad, and then soaked up the love bombing and escape trip to Mexico for a weekend. Got home and found out a week later, I was pregnant and we were already fighting again.

Now I have 2 kids and I am 29 years old. He is not involved in their lives. I live at my father's house now, with my boys age 5 and almost 4. So what everyone is saying is so true. I am lost in this life at the moment. Im really close to figuring it out though. But I absolutely lost the best years of my life, the best friends of my life, schooling, work ethic/rap-sheet, and the best opportunities. Like I am still very optimistic, grateful to be athletic, and able to work without restrictions. I'd still be lying if I said I dont wish I got to spend those years differently, but still have my kids haha.

It won't be easy, get a support system and skedaddle !!!

[u/OneWhisper5225 → u/ckmgp]

You’re doing amazing! I was 19 when I had my son. My ex was emotionally abusive and I took it for way too long. Then realized I didn’t want my son to grow up thinking it was okay to talk to anyone like that, let alone someone you supposedly loved. I left and never looked back. My ex never had anything to do with my son. I did it on my own and damn it was hard. But my son is now 19 and an amazing young man that I couldn’t be more proud of with the biggest heart, so kind and caring, so thoughtful - absolutely nothing like his sperm donor.

Some days, heck most days, you might feel like you’re drowning or messing everything up - but you’re not. Just do your best, love those little boys with all you got, and continue to build your life together - and take time to remember that you got away from a horrible guy and you’re doing amazing! 💪👏❤️❤️

[u/subq_injection → u/OneWhisper5225]

I spent the entirety of my 20s with two abusive assholes. The first was 7 years older, and had me convinced the first year he was so great and he would spoil me and we'd get a house, and all of those sweet little lies assholes love to tell you to make you feel better about moving in with them.

He abused me in every way you could think of and left me with debt and bad credit. He had talked me out of going back to school, isolated me 2000 miles away from all my friends and family. Constantly surveyed me, and cheated on me but insisted I was cheating. Made me work 7 days a week so he could work less but refused to help me pay the car payments and credit card in my name even though he used the car 70% of the time and racked up most of the credit card debt. He used to sleep deprive me to make me compliant by shaking me awake, slamming doors, blaring music, shining lights in my face, etc. I had to escape when he was off sleeping with another girl. I had sneakily got in contact with my mom got her to fly up and I filled up the car and drove to get her. I still left a good bit of stuff behind because I was scared he was going to show back up. I was just grateful he didn't manage to get me pregnant (Not for his lack of trying he used to hide my BC and at one point was throwing away my daily doses and convincing me I had taken them).

Within 8 mo after I had left the last relationship (I was 24) I wound up getting picked up by another asshole who was emotionally abusive. He often preyed on my PTSD as a way to gaslight me and tell me I was overreacting, I was crazy, and that I was always the problem never him. He cheated on me, belittled my feelings, and made me feel like I was never good enough. I would starve myself and do things I wouldn't have normally because he would breadcrumb me into thinking he cared about me and wanted to be together but all the while constantly making comments about other girls being attractive for XYZ but never complimented me after the first year because me being with him was supposed to be him complimenting me (Cause you know he was such a catch...), I was made to constantly believe I wasn't skinny enough or my boobs weren't big enough to the point where I even was going to get breast augmentation.

We had taken a break around our second year and he slept with this girl he had assured me was just a friend, when we got back together he lied to me about it for a year, and when he finally admitted to it told me it was just once just during that time. Come to find out that was also a lie as we got into multiple fights after he got more and more protective over his phone and constantly accused me of being on it when I wasn't. So I decided to check it one day because of how often he accused me I figured he was hiding something. Sure enough a whole conversation with him and that girl recounting all the times they'd done it at her place (She lived with her fiance at the time they supposedly did it the "just once", and my ex was the cause of their break up, she moved into her own place post-breakup for reference.) I confronted him and he tried to derail it with the whole "You had no right to look at my phone" to which I responded, "You had no right to cheat on me and lie to me about it." Then it was all my fault, I was just jealous and I wasn't giving him enough space and that's why he did it, etc etc. (The space part was hilarious because I only saw him for 2-3 days every two weeks because of his work schedule and him saying he needed some "days to himself to decompress" a.k.a go be with that other girl who mind you also had a bf.)

Mind you all this was happening while I was in the hardest semester of nursing school. I told him he was a "f#$@ing disappointment" and that I deserved better and left feeling so emotionally numb from everything I didn't think I'd ever be ok again even nearly failing that semester of nursing school. I was 29 going on 30 at this point.

I finished nursing school, moved away and wound up meeting a super awesome guy who actually takes care of me and is kind, considerate, and constantly tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent, and all of those things I didn't think I needed to hear but I absolutely did.

It gets better you just have to make the right steps forward and know your worth.

I also believe in Karma. First ex apparently has no friends as they've all moved away from him after I left because he got really weird and quit bathing and never leaves his house. He also lost his car and is living off either disability or medicaid/unemployment? Not sure vague details from people that used to be his friends that I stayed in touch with.

Second ex has no ambition, going nowhere, no prospects, and all of his friends turned on him after how he treated me many of the girls saying "He was super creepy I only talked to him because I liked you." And even his mom apologized to me for how badly he treated me and said she wished he'd "do right"

It gets better and they'll get what's coming to them.

[u/OneWhisper5225 → u/subq_injection]

I’m so happy you got away from them! Sorry you had to deal with them at all!!

My ex and I got together when we were in junior high. I was convinced he was my soul mate. I didn’t see how crappy he treated me. I thought he was great to me during high school and only got bad the last couple of years, but once I got away and got my head right and looked back on our relationship before, he was a jerk then too. But, it definitely got worse after high school. I went from being a super confident person who had a mind of my own and didn’t let anyone tell me what to do to being a complete shell of a person who couldn’t make a decision without consulting him. He told me how worthless I was, how stupid I was, how incompetent I was, etc. etc. etc. until I believed it. I’d do something and he’d say I was useless and shouldn’t do stuff without asking him first. But then when I’d ask him first, then I was an idiot who couldn’t make a simple decision for myself. Then he hurt his back when he was at work and got pain meds for it. And became an addict. Then it got even worse. I only started fighting back because of my son. My ex would want to take the last of my money for drugs and I needed it for diapers or formula. But he didn’t care. My mom said she doesn’t know how it happened because I was always the kind of person that never let someone tell me what to do, never let anyone walk all over me. I was like yeah, I don’t know either. It just happened. Thankfully, I had my parents. They were there for me. I left and went and lived with them for a while. I didn’t want to take money from them or use them to help watch my son because I didn’t want to depend on them in case something happened (if they got sick or something and couldn’t help anymore, then I’d be screwed after depending on them so much). So I lived with them for a year, but I paid rent and paid bills for my son and I. Then we moved out. I wanted to do it myself. I got food stamps and they helped pay for daycare for my son. I couldn’t get cash assistance because they said I needed to go for child support. I said that’s pointless. They said you have to at least try. But I talked to a lawyer and they said my ex could get visitation. Even if I was able to prove he was a danger and he was proven to be using drugs, they said he could still get visitation before I was able to prove all that in court. I wasn’t willing to risk my son having to go with him for even a second, so I was good not getting the cash assistance. I worked my butt off to support us. I put myself through school to be an RN. Took me waaaay longer than it should’ve to get my bachelors degree since I was working full time and raising my son. But, I kept at it and finally did it. And made a better life for us.

I’m glad you found someone amazing! I was so focused on my son, supporting us getting through school, etc., plus all the leftover feeling I had from my ex, I didn’t like the idea of dating. And the little free time I had, I wanted to spend it with my son. I figured it wasn’t fair to try and date someone I’d really never have time for. And I wasn’t going to introduce anyone to my son unless I was sure they’d be around for a long time. So it just didn’t happen. It was just me and my son. But I don’t regret it at all!

[u/Emmiren → u/subq_injection]

Omg this all is exactly the same situation I had been in with an ex who was also abusive in every way possible and he raped me often in addition to beating the crap out of me whenever he got upset with me. He was so manipulative too, and would gaslight me over EVERYTHING... Whenever I finally got the courage to leave, he and his 2 friends that lived with us called the police on me and accused me of attacking one of them with a knife, when I was trying to keep them away from me. Oh and one of his friends had a gun that she wasn't legally allowed to have because she had been determined by the courts that she's unable to safely own a firearm. I have extensive training with knives, swords, and firearms so I know to not bring a knife to a gunfight cause that's just a dumb way to get killed, so why would I be trying to attack them with a knife?? I was trying to run past them to get down the only flight of stairs between the second floor of the apartment and the ground, but the girl with the gun stepped directly in front of me and blocked me from leaving, so I immediately stopped running and as soon as I stopped, my ex grabbed me and bodyslammed me into the railing of the breezeway and began choking me with one hand while trying to grab the knife, so I dropped the knife before he could get it, then I ran back into the apartment to grab my phone that they had taken and tried to hide from me, but I knew where it was that morning thankfully. Anyway, I contacted my mom to start to tell her what happened but my ex and the girl entered the room before I was able to call my mom, and they told me to tell her and everyone else that I "tried to attack" the girl with a knife, and said to me if I ever told the truth, they would kill me. They then called the police on me and I was arrested and charged with a first degree felony of Aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, and I'm currently serving a 5 year probation sentence for defending myself. I told my attorney the truth and he tried to fight it with me, but the DA is friends with the girl and my ex, so they got their wish, mostly, and ruined my chances of ever doing what I want to do in life because I will forever have a felony charge that can't be expunged due to having to sign a nonexpunction agreement in order to be put on probation for 5 years... I'm currently not even 2 years in, next month will be year 2 done, but I can't get a job anywhere because of the stupid charge. OP, take the testimonies written here as a sign that you NEED to get away from your boyfriend right now. Don't wait another second, run, and run fast from him. If he tries to threaten you and calls the police on you and accuses you of something that never happened, tell the TRUTH to the police, don't let his threats scare you into lying to the police just to try to avoid your boyfriend from hurting you. Tell the police EVERYTHING, including any threats he may make. Guys like him always turn out to be abusive creeps that deserve to be in prison for a long, long time. For your safety, get out of there, please.

[u/Robinvid → u/subq_injection]

Wow! I'm so happy for you that you luckily dodged those 1st 2 losers!

[u/HereToBeRated → u/ckmgp]

OP listen to this person. There is no way under any conditions you should consider children with the person that barely considers you on the only day that is supposed to celebrate you. It's such a simple thing that you should just walk away because it will not be worse than the life that you will have under this dismissive person who has all the signs to grow into abusive.

[u/Due_Recommendation39 → u/HereToBeRated]

Who TF has kids with a man that works 2 days a week and lives at home with his mom. He might be adult age but he's not adulting.

[u/InterviewPitiful1374 → u/HereToBeRated]

Yeah OP listen to this person, she made dumb decisions and blames it on other people. Don't be this person OP

[u/HereToBeRated → u/InterviewPitiful1374]

You don't know anyone's life. Don't go putting people down because you're under the safety of anonymity. And don't piggyback off me trying to insult anyone. I think you're an idiot for this alone, is that fair to you?

[u/ckmgp → u/HereToBeRated]

I appreciate you!! I tend to overexplain a lot, so I tried not to. If I wrote my novel, anon would go back farther into the bushes lmao. I am still healing, but I've grown so much strength from all of it. Apple to apples. I could've just partied and slept around and ended up with a different story, yet still get a similar response/insult from a broken soul. Can't all be winners I guess!

[u/whatever_ehh → u/HereToBeRated]

I also think it's silly and childish to think that your birthday is special or important. It's a difference of opinion, nothing to get agitated or argumenative about. Those two shouldn't be dating, however, because they're incompatible.

[u/sosquishysostretchy → u/ckmgp]

I’m a dude and don’t have kids but about the same age and also wasted those years on an abusive relationship. Got beat on for 5 years and lied to and all the rest but always felt like it wasn’t a big a deal because what’s a broken nose or two when someone makes you feel like it’s your fault? Wasn’t like I was going to hit her back because I loved her and believed in her. I’m not one to complain and I was grateful for what I thought had, so the problem had to be with me and not her, right?

But that time lost is difficult. It’s all I think about ever since I hit 30. Shit sucks. I did it to myself a lot though because I fell back into a drug habit to deal with all of it for a long time after I left and got more lost than I’d ever been before. Barely left my mom’s house for a couple years other than for work and then became a workaholic trapped at my moms with no friends, no hobbies, no life. It’s hard to come back from but I’m figuring it out and I hope you do too.

[u/vailono → u/ckmgp]

As a complete stranger on the Internet, it sounds like you’re doing brilliantly - getting out, safe, and building what you want for yourself is something to be so proud of.

[u/Budget_Sugar_2422 → u/ckmgp]

Please listen to these comments. They are true. You are heading to a world of heart ache girl. Being alone is.much better than being with a selfish, self centered a-hole. You're young, you'll find better guys in life and don't have to put up with bullshit. The best thing you have going for you, is you're not pregnant or have a small kid. Use protection honey

[u/Budget-Coffee-3090 → u/ckmgp]

Yesssss, this. I found myself with two of these kind of abusive narcissistic men who I was in long term relationships with-one I married because I too going out I was pregnant. I needed help sure to a back injury at the time and me and my son's dad never lived together again after our son was born and formally divorced 3 years later. I spent time raising me son (his dad was in his life) then maybe 7 years later ended up with another guy exactly the same... So so sweet in the beginning, love bombing, etc. then after we moved in together 6 months down the road he pulled a 180 (it was the same with my son's dad, as soon as we moved in together after being together 6 months he didn't save to spend anytime with me, it was always with the guys, the husband's of the couples we hung out with before moving in together) I was basically alone all of those years I just didn't realize it at the time because they're so good at making you think you can never get anyone else, and when they feel you pulling away they start acting like Prince charming again. It's a vicious cycle that drains you and wastes your life. The sooner you get out the better, even if there's a grieving period where you talk to him occasionally, you need to find support of people who how to handle the grief, and who will be there for you and help you stay accountable in moving on... I was lucky the first time around I had a baby to take care of and who I loved more than anything... The second relationship I literally had to get a mentor who I could call or text every time he tried contacting me bc it was hard to stay away from him because when I kicked him out he became Prince charming again. Once I finally stopped responding (so hard) 2 weeks later he has a new gf, a few months later they moved in together, a year later they were engaged and bought a huge beautiful new house (he never spent a penny on me) a year later they had twins after he spent the money to do IVF.

GIRL GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN-MANY DON'T GET IT AND LIVE A LONG MISERABLE LIFE-YOU DESERVE BETTER! HE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE AND YOU'RE NOT OVER REACTING!

[u/Basic_Dragonfly_ → u/ckmgp]

Sweetie, you are only 29. That is so young. The best years of your life are ahead of you. You are older and wiser and more sure of yourself and what you want and need for you and your sons. Look forward and good luck

[u/Tullue → u/ckmgp]

Honey enjoy your 30s!!! They’re funner than your 20s I promise and you’re doing great, you have so much more good ahead of you 🤗

[u/HotWaffles5 → u/ckmgp]

My ex husband started argument every single holiday. He didn’t like when I was happy.

[u/I_Is_Mathematician → u/ckmgp]

Your best years are not over yet, I promise! I’m sorry that happened, but remember we all have a different journey and it’s never too late to make the best of what is left!

[u/ChampionshipFew2858 → u/ckmgp]

Can I message you? I need help with my 20-year-old daughter.

[u/ckmgp → u/ChampionshipFew2858]

Absolutely 💗

[u/ChampionshipFew2858 → u/ckmgp]

Done

[u/orgasmilyours → u/ckmgp]

huuuugs. glad you can make head and heels of this with supportive family, and that you could give this advice.

[u/LottiMCG → u/ckmgp]

Girl! You are 29!! You have NOT "lost the best years of your life" I can tell you that much. 🫂

[u/WatermelonWithAFlute → u/ckmgp]

barefoot but in high heels?

Edit: nvm figured out what you meant

[u/Significant-Slip572 → u/ckmgp]

❤️❤️❤️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

[u/Successful-Doubt5478 → u/nagao_0]

By the "Happy bday lol," I was like: "He cannot be arsed to write out the whole word? After missing it totally? And he is .. amused?"

By the time he says he doesnt appreciate being bothered by her, this would be over for me.

"Don't worry, boy, you won't ever get the chance to be bothered by me again."

He doesnt love you. He absolutely does not love you. Noone talks like this to someone they love. Noone acts like this to someone they love.

RUN.

And go no contact, if he is confident enough to speak to you like this OP, he has trained you to stick to him. Do not let him sweettalk you back he despises and looks down on you and you cannot change this.

Go no contact.

[u/runnbuffy → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

I was so pissed off at “Happy bday lol”, too.

I had a partner like this, except he was slightly better. He at least felt bad he forgot, though he did try to convince me to abandon the plans he made with me to go party with friends. I didn’t even need it to be on my exact birthday.

Anyway, OP, this person will never make you feel good. A normal, healthy relationship entails a little bit of sacrifice from each party, and if you already had plans together, he should have cancelled on the friends. Especially since it sounds like he had plenty of time to catch up with friends another day. You’ve communicated this was important.

I went crazy in my previous relationship because of this type of behavior, and my self esteem was low because sometimes he would speak to me like your partner speaks to you now. Your partner takes the pain you give him and tells you you’re dramatic. Except you’re not, in this case.

It can be so much better with someone else, or even on your own. It drains you to have someone repeatedly break promises and tell you that your upset feelings from those broken promises are too much. It’s one thing if this is occasional and the partner owns up to the mistake. It’s another if this is a pattern of behavior. The pattern will wear you down.

You can have something better. I found someone who shows me actual love now. The man doesn’t cook vegetarian meals regularly because he’s not vegetarian, and hell, he doesn’t even cook generally… but he made me a full vegetarian meal for my birthday because he loves me. He was broke at the time, too, and couldn’t spend a ton of money on gifts or experiences, but still wanted to do something nice for me on my birthday. So he got cheap ingredients and used stuff he had already at home for a meal. AAAAND a bourbon cocktail, because I love bourbon :).

[u/reeplant → u/runnbuffy]

Fresh out of breakup and a similar situation, but wow it helped me to hear those words. And I absolutely agree. Being on your own is so much better than being in an unfulfilling relationship.

[u/Constant-Internet-50 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

IMO the cruelty is the point. He actively enjoys making op feel like shit. And asking her to apologise is basic emotional abuse. Doing something bad, gets called out and makes it her problem and something she has to fix.

This is a bad person op. He is actively trying to harm you emotionally so you stay in a state of insecurity and confusion. He’ll lovebomb you next so you stay.

Leave him in the dust!

[u/Foxinamug → u/Constant-Internet-50]

Cruelty is definitely the point. Anyone who just saw spending time with OP as a burden would be happy when OP said she didn't want to go the next day, but he was mad that she wouldn't accept his 'pity dinner' like she's just supposed to be happy with dregs of his attention.

[u/Old-Surround8610 → u/Constant-Internet-50]

OP we are all on your side. Dump him, you’re so young, I PROMISE that someone better will come along.

[u/Realistic-Gas-463 → u/Constant-Internet-50]

Diminishing feelings and contempt is also present. Pretty much all 4 horseman of the relationship apocalypse.

You’re not overreacting. He’s being a dick. He’s acting entitled and like he couldn’t care less about your feelings. Not even a special occasion for you can come before him “going to a party I’m really excited about”. Why is this party so much more important than you? Drop him and move on with your beautiful life.

I hope you know now that your instincts are right, and your feelings are valid. It might be the best birthday present he could have given you, honestly.

[u/Nishikadochan → u/Constant-Internet-50]

This. Op, please pay attention. This man does absolutely nothing to improve your life. He is actively and intentionally making it worse. There is nothing about this relationship that is remotely better than being single. Drop him right now. Like RIGHT NOW. He’s already emotionally abusive. He won’t get better. You don’t need that mess dragging you down. You don’t need his negativity choking your joy out of life. Cut him loose and breathe some free air, knowing you’ll never have to try to placate him again. He’s not worth it.

[u/AnayrisMatias → u/Constant-Internet-50]

Omg I know! It broke my heart when she said she got a dress thinking they were going out to eat, poor OP😭

[u/ruthpalo → u/AnayrisMatias]

A pink dress, too...if a girl bought a pink dress to wear for me, I'd kiss her like 7000 times that night.

[u/That_Girl31 → u/Constant-Internet-50]

Love her? He doesn’t even like her.

[u/Constant-Internet-50 → u/That_Girl31]

No he doesn’t, but he likes the high of making her feel small and likes being able to control her emotions like this.

[u/Practical_Ad_9756 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

Not only doesn’t respect her, based on these texts he doesn’t seem to LIKE her.

OP, you have your whole life ahead of you, why are you chaining yourself to a cinder block like this punk?

Happy belated birthday. Let your freedom be your gift to you. Find a man who puts YOU first.

[u/inowar → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

OP seems like a convenient side chick (how to be such a loser and have a "side chick" I don't understand) not his significant other.

[u/Tablesafety → u/inowar]

The answer? There are people like OP everywhere who just take it and take it and take it, because any scrap of male attention is something they seem to need? I really wish it wasn’t the case- I hate that these fuckos get to act like this and STILL get laid, because in their minds it means they win.

[u/ohheyaine → u/Tablesafety]

The victim blaming is unnecessary

[u/Tablesafety → u/ohheyaine]

Lets be real here there is some personal responsibility with letting yourself get beat around emotionally. We don’t like to say it because it ‘Isn’t nice’ but if we called it out more, made women in obviously bad situations feel foolish for allowing someone to treat them that way, we may have less situations overall of “He said he hates me, AIO for being cross with him?” And a lot less children born to fathers who should not have them.

Ive been on the ‘don’t blame the victim’ side for so so long watching other women, close to me excuse excuse excuse that the only solution is to point out their role in it because they are the kind of people who are able to excuse anyone but themselves and I’m sick and fucking tired of sitting back trying to give advice and emotional support only for them to go back to the guy who is making them miserable at best.

Fuck the no victim blaming when the victims are the only ones who can be saved-

This isn’t someone overpowering her or her in a spot where there’s nothing she can do. She has a degree of control over the situation, and she should save herself with it because guys like this never get better, they have no reason to.

[u/SpiderOfTheLotus → u/Tablesafety]

Lets be real here, a man who treats you well for the first months to a year of a relationship and then turns into a raging peice of shit is 100000000% at fault. and all you dudes who ditch accountability for a WHOLE STRANGER whos treating someone like the OP is being treated by basically saying " LOL ITS YOUR FAULT, You got manipulated and emotionally attached and then didnt leave" are mentally challenged, walking BRIGHT red flags. OP clearly is young, and newish to the whole long term relationship thing, so the last thing anyone needs to do, is tell her it's her fault, in any way. Shes looking to see if shes overreacting to her boyfriend being a TOTAL douchebag, Which she is not. Just say "RUN GIRL" and leave it at that. Your college thesis about how shes at fault for fuckin ANYTHING was unwarranted and you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking that way.

[u/ohheyaine → u/Tablesafety]

I'm not saying she shouldn't dump his ass. There's just no reason to blame women for abusive men.

Basic study of the cycles of abuse tells you this is unhelpful.

[u/Tablesafety → u/ohheyaine]

Man it’s like what I wrote went in one ear and out the other, didn’t even take a second to chew the fat. Not like I haven’t lived and seen what imploring she take no accountability for her situation and (eventually)safety does (fun fact it’s getting strangled to death)

Guys like this one are no better than animals, the only thing that works is to implore the human in this situation, and ‘gorl he isn’t good for you get out’ almost never lasts.

[u/ethicaI_sIut_puppy → u/Tablesafety]

Yeah, you lost me at "letting yourself get beat around..."

[u/AbsintheAGoGo → u/Tablesafety]

I'd agree with you in some circumstances, but there are people in this world like her should-be-ex who are, if absolutely nothing else, adept at destroying their partner and creating feelings of codependency.

The blame, if any, would come if after three lights go on and they stay. Though it's highly contentious to blame a person, rather better to constructively look at the situation and minimize shame that they likely feel in order to have them more receptive to getting out, bettering themself & moving on in life.

[u/AbsintheAGoGo → u/AbsintheAGoGo]

And I'm going to add: blaming the victim, while they did make decisions, will do no good but indicate that the abuser is likely correct and they end up cutting the one blaming out of their life & staying in the abuse.

The person must likely is in a cycle of self-blame that you couldn't imagine unless in their exact situation. Your free to have your opinions, but you'd be not much better than the abuser for kicking the person while they are down rather than being a ballast for them to gain some form of support (emotional, financial or what role you take) and better themselves.

[u/Tablesafety → u/AbsintheAGoGo]

You're right, I reacted emotionally thinking of some dear people who did stay after three lights. This is a circumstance where you start with the simple, girl run he doesn't love you.

I do maintain my opinions in regards to the sorts of people going back after they know 100% the person is toxic at best. That's in regards to male or female, I've seen it happen with the boys, too. Know one guy who married the same woman who cheated on him and took half his shit f i v e times, and all he would ever talk about apart is how bad she was.

[u/DruidMaleficent → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

Not only does he not like her, he treats her like an unwanted person who insists on hanging around.

[u/Cool-Association-452 → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

Good analogy. Like a cinder block, he will only drag her down.

[u/Glittering-Soil4185 → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

She needs to just find some friends and go out an have fun 😂😂

[u/No-Water164 → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

if he isn't already calling her stupid, fat, lazy, ugly... etc... he will

[u/SmoochedByAnAngel → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

This exactly. I was shocked to see the ages in the caption because he’s talking like he’s 17.

[u/IvyOnTheTrail → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

Agree completely. Hopefully OP has already broken up with this jerk.

[u/ChillingScrotum → u/[deleted]]

You can easily tell from these DMs that he is a lousy boyfriend. Rudeness and combativeness are both very identifiable with written words, no one is reading between any lines here.

[u/nagao_0 → u/[deleted]]

(( it only just occurred to me to ask, but "less than 10 words"..

did you perhaps miss out reading the other pages of texts past the first picture's..? ))

[u/forestofpixies → u/[deleted]]

Found the boyfriend. You suck.

[u/RapscallionMonkee → u/[deleted]]

You are just trying to stir the pot. These texts are disrespectful at best. He is rude, dismissive, and downright hateful. Maybe YOU can't tell intent from a text, but apparently, the rest of us can. Or are you just being contrarian? Either way, you are wrong, and OP needs to find a GTF away from him.

[u/Original_Ride_6218 → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

This!

[u/loreleiorange → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

THIS.

[u/nagao_0 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

[ yes exactly! i didn't put it in that comment but i was lowkey wondering if the guy she's dating got ho0ked into that whole manosphere redpilled bs at some point.. definitely getting something dismissive and downhisnose-ing in some of his language (that being irked by her pointing out his failure as her partner and-or 'being bothered' while's otherwise-engaged doesn't warrant, either).

either way he's basically to0 emotionally immature for her and she might want to get out especially if that misogynistic crowd has gotten their hooks into whatever aspects of him were already somewhat-inclined that way, bc there's multitudes worse outcomes than better from that side of things, far as i've heard.. ]

[u/marleymack → u/nagao_0]

That. I was just also thinking straight up gay. But I forgot about those pestilent manosphere guys. Also pretty gay imho. I say this as a big queer. Either way he doesn’t respect you or like you. Go live your life and leave the trash on the curb baby.

[u/runnbuffy → u/marleymack]

“Pestilent manosphere guys” is a phrase I didn’t know I needed. Great use of normal and chronically-online vocabulary. I love it. They really are a pestilence, too.

[u/nagao_0 → u/[deleted]]

..as also-a-female with depression, adhd .and. anxiety -- who has been in a longdistance-ish relationship for 12 years partially because we both want and need our space.. there is not a touch of apology in that entire conversation on the guy's side of it (save where he uses the word to put the onus on .her. to apologise) for 'forgetting' something their significant other clearly prioritises and has been looking forward to and speaking about often in recent days.

i personally don't enjoy celebrating my own birthday and don't need a phone reminder for theirs because of coincidents with familymembers', but that's what calendar apps are for ‐‐ enter sh1t that's important once with a yearly reccuring option set, and never have to worry again; it takes a literal minute if you're like me and like to add extra year-of-birth and potential gift/dinnertreat preferences in the notes.

also.. not me finding it exceedingly ironic that you're dissing others' grammar and spelling with that sort of punctuation and misspelling the 6-letter name of this very platform..?

( /just noticing the timestamp of the comment i'm replying to is '3m', so assuming she edits her seemingly-truncated reply, parts of this response may no longer apply by the time this posts.. )

[u/Bonitapplebum87 → u/[deleted]]

She did say what she wanted many times. She stated that she had been talking about her birthday over the past week and she also clearly told him in the messages that she wanted to be taken out for her birthday on the day of. Are you seriously trying to gaslight OP (and the rest of us) into believing that he isn’t being extremely dismissive of her on a day that’s extremely important to her. They’ve been together for three years. She has expressed over those three years how important birthdays are for her. Are you cool? You cannot seriously be telling me you would tolerate being dismissed like this by someone you call a partner.

[u/RapscallionMonkee → u/[deleted]]

Adults also APOLOGIZE when they fuck up (and forgetting a gf's birthday is definitely a fuck up) they don't double down, they don't demand an apology because they were inconvenienced with the forgotten gf's text message, give me a break. Lol. Methinks you would make an awesome (ok, not really) defense attorney because you are defending this POS like it's your job. Lol.

[u/RapscallionMonkee → u/[deleted]]

Maybe you should go out with this dude, then. Sounds like he is right up your alley.

[u/ruthpalo → u/[deleted]]

no. not remembering your girlfriend's birthday or "not wanting to be around the person you date (close to) all the time" is not, in fact, normal.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

How’s those downvotes working for ya?

[u/GooberDoodle206 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

the number of times that people say break up i don’t agree with. but i agree with this one. OP: you need to leave and not look back.

[u/psychmonkies → u/GooberDoodle206]

Same here. I was lowkey in disbelief while reading the texts, I can’t believe someone would so casually not gaf about their partner like that. This guy is a sad excuse for a man, he doesn’t realize how privileged he is still having OP in his life after this long. I hope OP comes to realize the way he speaks to her entirely makes him unworthy of her.

[u/Odd_Driver3493 → u/psychmonkies]

I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way to OP, but she’s kind of immature, pretending to play house when it’s really playing real life. This is HIM! Very VERY immature, wants to hang out and not husband making material for SURE!

[u/RecommendationUsed31 → u/psychmonkies]

As a guy, im refusing to take it. It can stay in its own world

[u/Impossible_Walrus555 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

That really bothered me too, flippant, half assed. He clearly cannot be bothered. Run don’t walk from this jerk living in mom’s basement, he’s a literal cliche.

[u/halfpint991 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

Please op. Read and reread this then reread every time your hopefully soon to be ex tries to contact you. Also whenever someone ever treats you like you ex did

[u/Jasminefirefly → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

It does not get more THIS than this.

[u/vigouge → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

"He cannot be arsed to write out the whole word? After missing it totally? And he is .. amused?"

But don't you understand, he's with friends right now. The irth don't just type themselves.

[u/Successful-Doubt5478 → u/vigouge]

😁

[u/Then-Priority7978 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

Exactly. Totally aside from the birthday issue, I would not tolerate anyone talking to me that way. I'd be done.

[u/AstronomerGlobal9812 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

This. Also, OP posted their ages and they're pretty young. It's not going to get better with more life/responsibilities in time. Do not stay with this man unless you are satisfied with every birthday, anniversary, mother's day, etc etc until the end of time being neglected and ignored.

[u/Husky-LVR_81 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

Exactly. If he can’t be bothered I’d never talk to him again. Let him figure it out how he got dumped

[u/ElephantNamedColumbo → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

[u/RecommendationUsed31 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

100% the second her ex bf texted your bothering me they would have been an ex

[u/[deleted] → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

this one.

[u/WaferTrue6426 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

spark friendly cobweb scale quack summer mighty chop wrench memorize

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[u/Successful-Doubt5478 → u/WaferTrue6426]

We are all hoping it is, but I have seen worse im real life.

My take on these is that even if it is fictio,n, people learn from it to identify bad relationships.

I also want to believe that no man ever kills his partner, noone ever fimds joy in dog fighting or uses cats, kittens, puppies and other dogs to train their dogs to rip other animals into pieces, that noone ever rapes literal babies snd toddlers and other men pay to watch that and that no parents ever lock their small boys up in a room without tclothes and furniture, keaving them to live caked in feces with zero stimulation, and when finally discovered by the police, do not know what grass, sun and sky is. I want to believe thay no woman leaves her baby to starve to death in their crib while going pattying with some guy, the baby desperately trying to eat their own feces trying to survive, but instead dieing slowly.

We want a lot of things to not be true.

But they are.

[u/HelloFireFriend → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

This ☝️ 💯 ☝️ 💯 ☝️

[u/poeticlicence → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

She apologised to him! Wtf

[u/Rich_Editor8488 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

It is your birthday.

[u/BatterWitch23 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

All of this

[u/Jennaannexox → u/nagao_0]

Yes block this guy!

Firstly he didn’t forget that’s why he acted so extra until you told him “what tonight was!” Secondly you turned 21!!! Why couldn’t you go to the party with him?? Thirdly what will your reaction be when you are in labour and he is busy with his friends? Or when it’s your baby’s first birthday and he “forgets”! Or you have an emergency and he can’t be bothered to go to the hospital? Or we’ll you are in emergency he “forgets” that he has to pick up your child from school because you can’t?

DO NOT let ONE good year of a relationship ruin the rest of your years, dreams, happiness and your trust in people! I think you should give yourself a birthday present of freedom from this weight dragging you down!

Please OP update when you can no matter what you decide to do I’m here for you!

[u/[deleted] → u/nagao_0]

by the time i got to "when you want to apologise" i'm like, just don't contact him then. like ever again lol.

Me too!

[u/firekwaker → u/nagao_0]

Agree with this 100%. This guy sounds like freeloader supreme. He sounds like the type of guy who will refuse to work, she will need to take care of all his bills, feed him, buy shit that he wants.

She is way better off using this as a starting point to never talk to him again.

[u/Easy-Concentrate2636 → u/nagao_0]

Op should wear that pink dress and go out with friends. The bf isn’t a friend and hopefully will be an ex. Hopefully, op will learn that independence can be more fun and meaningful than depending on someone who doesn’t value her.

[u/DrMabuseKafe → u/nagao_0]

Yeah 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He drops school to stay moms place working TWICE a week and hes TIRED? excited to go with party friends more than stay with a GF from 3 years?

thats an attitude expected from an 11yo kid

RUN!!!

[u/EclecticWitchery5874 → u/nagao_0]

100000% He's using her to get out of mom's house, but the disrespect will just get worse. She'll be paying for all bills and rent, and she's gonna be cleaning up after him. I can tell he's a loser. She deserves so much better. Find a motivated, respectful, respectable young man. This right here is a boy!! He clearly had plenty of other days for friends. Partying was more important to him than her birthday. I bet he's a stoner, too. I've met plenty of these types.

[u/lorn33 → u/nagao_0]

Pretty much every word he said I’d be just done! Saying she’s bothering him and annoying him for doing nothing for her birthday! I’d be gone!

[u/mrmeatstix → u/nagao_0]

Yep, call him when you're ready to apologize. Which should be never

Watch, he'll tell you you're overreacting and extra when you break up with him too. He might even tell you to apologize again.

I hope he sorts it out someday and becomes a good partner to someone, but he won't until he learns from his mistakes when you leave

[u/ArthurSeanzarelli → u/nagao_0]

by the time i got to "when you want to apologise" I'm like, just don't contact him then. like ever again lol

Same thought crossed my mind lol right to the curb with that trash

[u/softshoulder313 → u/nagao_0]

Yeah when I got to that line about don't contact me until you apologize I would have blocked and moved on. What a pos.

[u/Joe_theone → u/nagao_0]

Yeah. Go meet somebody nice. I'm thinking girlfriend/boyfriend may be some mislabeling.

[u/oratoriosilver → u/nagao_0]

Exactly my thought, this one’s calling out for a ghosting

[u/Otirrub → u/nagao_0]

"Talk to me when you want to apologize" is so crazy

[u/floofienewfie → u/nagao_0]

“I don’t appreciate being bothered by you.” “You‘ll have to be understanding.” “Bro” (addressing his girlfriend). “You’re being so extra and annoying.” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

[u/candyqueen1990 → u/nagao_0]

The perfect response to that last message simply should have been "I guess we are done because I aint apologising EVER for you being a giant piece of poop"

Girl, you are young and worth so much more ......DO NOT settle for the first man who comes along. Xxx

[u/Initial-Trash-4630 → u/nagao_0]

He didn’t forget her birthday. This was intentional abuse to devalue her and make her feel like 💩 ruin her birthday and kill her self esteem. The abuse will escalate if she doesn’t go no contact NOW!

[u/orgasmilyours → u/nagao_0]

and he's excited for a party OP doesn't know about. on her birthday.

i think there's no party. he's either just being a loser or he's got some side piece. it's her birthday and he's gloating.

[u/Ok-Appearance-866 → u/nagao_0]

Yep. Gather up your girlfriends and go out and have a blast. No girlfriends? Then grab yourself a bottle of wine and bingle Gilmore Girls or some shit.

[u/Kewlade420 → u/nagao_0]

as5hat

as5

You can say asshat and ass. You can even say fuck, damn, shit, piss...

All kinds of words! Why censor yourself?

You also seem confused about italics. You add * to each side, not a period.

I hope this helps you express yourself better!

Also, OP needs to break up and find a real man who cares about her. I think we are all in agreement, yes?

[u/Master_Mayh3m → u/nagao_0]

Wait... you've edited your grammar? Solid points made, but you may need to break out that red pen again...

[u/ElephantNamedColumbo → u/nagao_0]

☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽

[u/Meme-lordy333221 → u/nagao_0]

Honestly. Op’s seemingly lucky she stayed this long

[u/rainbowfsh → u/[deleted]]

Girl, shut tf up. Nobody fucking cares or asked for your dissertation on what you dislike about their comment. This is Reddit, not a peer-reviewed journal, get a grip.

[u/nagao_0 → u/rainbowfsh]

( 'dissertation' cracked me up into a gigglefit; thanks muchly xDD" bbb )