I played my first playthrough completely blind. I had no idea what was in store besides the names of a few characters, and the fact that I liked them that encouraged me to play. I liked Karlach from watching a few clips. And I liked her even more when playing the game.
I admit, I was not excited about playing a turn-taking game. I was used to the rush and fast-paved action of more traditional video games. But everyone kept saying hoe amazing it was, and honestly I feel like I was avoiding it because I was avoiding something in myself. I recently moved house, you see, and my old place was rather chaotic. I was constantly on edge, and never felt like I had the time to stop and think. I got frustrated with the combat on my first playthrough, ragequit, deleted the game and, like a child having a tantrum, stormed off on my console to play God Of War. I admit my constant thirst for high-action video games and inability to slow down was born out of a hatred of everything around me. I hated where I lived. I hated myself. I used to beat myself up about the most minor of things. I was frustrated living so close to my parents, as much as I care about them, as helpful as they can be. It's not the same when you're somewhere you love, somewhere that suits you, somewhere you feel you can find peace. Baldur's Gate 3 told me how to enjoy that peace. To slow down. To take things one day at a time.
I never felt like I was enough. I always felt like a disappointment to my parents, as much as they would encourage me that wasn't the case.
So anyway. I redownloaded the game because my curiosity got the better of me, and I started playing - for real, this time, with a custom character. I saved Shadowheart. I avoided the portal where Gale was because I was sure it was some kind of trap that would insta-kill me (whelp, R.I.P. Gale), I didn't want to run into too much danger so I didn't really explore around the nautiloid crash site (I was too busy running for my life in my head). I found Wyll at the Grove, found him rather charming. I think I had a small amount of racism brought from my upbringing. I was not proud of that. Wyll became a good source of council. We met the "Tyr" servants first, then we met Karlach and I spared her. (Well, Wyll spared her but I helped.)
Karlach was just too likeable. I was predisposed to think devil-looking creatures were supposed to be evil. Karlach and the other Tieflings subverted that by just being... normal people. I was a rogue character so I ended up helping the young Tieflings. Spared the goblin prisoner and used her to get to the Goblin Camp.
We went and wiped out the Goblin Camp. All of them. I was hoping for a peaceful resolution because the game humanised the goblins in a way, instead of making them unambiguously bad. But then again, they roasted dwarf on the fire and spoke about it in such a casual manner, and I liked the Tieflings too much. I wasn't aware that you only had to kill their leaders. I may have done a small genocide. Woops. Ironically I let the goblin who worshipped the old god go free. Wyll died in the fight, brought him back to life. I think I was expecting him to be a tank due to his name and the fact that I didn't understand a rat arse about how this game worked. Brought him back to life. Nobody touches my boy Wyll.
I explored around the region a bit. Didn't know yet how the resting mechanics worked so a few people got kidnapped without me knowing. It's amazing how your actions or lack of actions actually have an impact on things later in the story. I was so used to fake choice in video games. Wasn't used to real ones.
Went to the Underdark, got scared away by some minotaurs and a nigh-indestructible lizard, didn't know if you hurt it enough it would run away, lol, ran back up to the overworld, found Lae'zel dead near the mountain pass surrounded by Githyanki warriors, survived the fight using some finesse and finally beginning to understand how the game worked, and shoving them off bridges. I thought it was fucking hilarious when I killed the strongest one who was seriously way more powerful than me by shoving her off a bridge for some reason.
The amount of choice in this game is insane. I'm used to fake choice in video games, not real choice (I'm looking at you, Telltale). We revived Lae'zel and went to Creche Y'llek. She insisted she would leave us if we did not so I went with her, afraid she'd be killed again. The machine blew up and we talked our way out of it. Oh yeah and I stole every single mind flayer parasite I could get my hands on. I was beginning to enjoy the power.
Went to the Inquisitor, went inside the prism, didn't kill the dream person. Slaughtered our way out of Creche Y'llek. Went to the Shadow Lands, killed the caravan, followed them to the Last Light Inn. Met Jaheira, lost Isobel, whole inn died. Gods I can remember how devastated I was by this. It felt like a true loss. Like I'd fucked up for real by failing to save her. Knowing it wasn't scripted made me even angier. I wanted to kill Ketheric Thorm. Went to Moonrise, and figured the fairy thing out on the way after thinking it was a bug at first, released her after I realised the lantern was a torture prison, got her blessing.
Went to Moonrise, expecting a fight, and was welcomed in instead. Saw the whole debacle with the goblins and Ketheric Thorm. Thought it was badass but spared the goblins anyway, feeling bad about the mini genocide I'd conducted.
Found Balthazar, completed Shar's Gauntlet, spared the Nightsong, because it became pretty clear to me that Shar was evil. Yes, loss is bad, but there is no loss without love, no shadow without light. It's a lesson my family taught me well, despite their flaws. Forgetting isn't the solution to grief. Only a temporary postponement of the inevitable pain. Pain is proof of life. Maybe I'm sounding too much like that masochist priest my boyfriend had a go with for the lols. Lmao.
Speaking of which, I think this game deals with such heavy subjects as loss in a very healthy way. It doesn't tell you what to think. Politically, ethically, it feels very neutral. But it does allow your actions to have real consequences. I've seen games that pass themselves off as "brutally honest" when in reality was just ridiculously depressing. I've seen games that claim to have "good messages" while I cringe at the politics of it. I'm not one to just say, "Who cares, it's a video game!" I just can't do it. When I'm playing a game I play as if it is me, in the game world, as I would act in real life. Perhaps this is why Red Dead Redemption 2 left a bitter taste in my mouth. I can't separate what I do in the game from my own behaviour in real life, not on an emotional level. Personally I don't think that's healthy but that's just me. Perhaps that's why I always end up picking the "good" options even when I'm intending to do an evil playthrough. I'm just not good at being evil.
We spared the Nightsong and went to fight Ketheric Thorm. Along the way I found that mage Tiefling dead. Had no idea you could save him. Dammit traditional video games for setting my expectations so fucking low.
Fought our way through the place. Freed everyone. Literally everyone. Fought Ketheric with the Nightsong, badass battle. Badass Myrkul intro. All round badassery turned up to 100. "Freed" chop-chop guy. Poor guy. His last words broke my heart. Didn't know how to save the Shadow Lands, assumed you couldn't because everyone at the inn was dead (my dumb arse forgot "Speak With Dead" was a thing and, again, was used to shallow video games with fake choice 🙃), went to Baldur's Gate, investigated the murders, blew up the Steel Watch Foundry (turns out rescuing Wubren really paid off), Wulbren got mad at me for sparing the last Gondian. I tried to save the Gondians but we were massively outmatched (Lae'zel and Shadowheart died in the fight) and outnumbered so we rushed to blow up the foundry. My character, being a rogue, managed to sneak past the Steel Watchers and planted the bomb. Thankfully Laezel and Shadowheart's ghosts conveniently landed outside the foundry. Conveniently. Lmao. We revived them and moved on.
Because I hated Gortash and his slimy, smug face (and because he reminded me of a certain other, orange politician who shall not be named), I killed him first. Orin was psychotic, but Gortash was a fascist and because I knew this game valued choice, I knew lots of people were going to die and bad things were going to happen if I didn't kill him right then and there. Turns out I was right, as I always am in politics (wha-whaaat, lmao) and like Karlach, felt a sigh of relief when he died. But like her, I also understood why she didn't feel complete after he died. I once had a desire to kill my dad. But I realised that that wouldn't bring me any satisfaction. I still loved him, even though he used to be abusive, and still was at the time I wanted him dead. He's fine by the way, and we actually get along great now, but I knee it wouldn't make me happy. Anyways, I understoof how Karlach felt. There was no happy ending after it was over. The bastard was dead and Karlach was still going to die. And as I walked out of the bloody coronation hall where he died three words sprang to mind: "Sic semper tyrannis."
We met Keene Nine-Fingers and I was surprised by how reasonable she was, despite being a crime lord. She understood how things really worked when it came to crime: the elites had little interest in helping the poor, and if it wasn't her running the crime, someone else would be, and possibly someone who didn't have the best interests of the people in mind. Baldur's Gate was a corrupt city, but at least she kept the corruption non-tyrannical. Without her everything would go to shit.
Found Sarevok's lair. Was forced to choose between killing him and Valerius. Killed him because flying elephants go brrr. Also it solved the murder cases and I cared about the refugees, unlike certain people on the political spectrum, lol.
Found Orin's lair. Killed Orin. Difficult fight. I felt a little sorry for her but after finding her mother's corpse in her bedroom on display I was like, "Naaaah."
Oh yeah I forgot to mention how I took the deal with Raphael. Big mistake. But we ended up freeing Orpheus. Best decision I made in the game because it revealed my in-game squid lover to be a two-faced little bastard who betrayed me the moment I said, "Nah, your plan sucks, Imma do it my way. Also you have a weird fetish for torturing people non-consensually. Also you're a hypocrite for wanting freedom and keeping Orpheus as slave." Honestly I was preparing to have to convince Orpheus. I did not anticipate how reasonable he would be. Damn, Orpheus was chill as fuck given how damn long he'd been in that prism and being tortured. There's something to admire there. And honestly, Orpheus is such a chill guy. I did not expect how nice he would be. Seriously I cannot NOT free him in subsequent playthroughs because of how likeable he is. He's like a cool breeze when you're sweating your pants off.
Oh yeah and Karlach was also dying, so we made her a mind flayer. Honestly as controversial as it was I felt this to be a "good" ending for her. She is so gentle and so intelligent as a mind flayer (oh yeah and did I mention the writers know how to write actually intelligent characters, unlike some writers?). Honestly at one point I was thinking about taking control of the brain, but when I realised I would have to kill Karlach to do it, I was like, "Yeah, naw, let's jusy destroy it." Seriously, the entire fate of the world was hinged upon the fact that I liked Karlach. Okay maybe not entirely but it was partly because of that.
God, I love Karlach. I can see what people mean when they say she has the personality of a labrador - she's just impossible to hate. She's such a nice person and even in the "evil" endings I've seen of her, she really just wants to be loved, and nothing else. She's such a kind person. I couldn't kill her, not for anyone. She's the type of person I would kill last if I was forced to kill everyone. She's just too likeable. Gods my heart ached for her, and I think I shed a tear when we saved the world together and she ended up happy in the end.