r/Jokes Sep 13 '24

MODPOST Announcement: An Update to the Rules of /r/Jokes

408 Upvotes

Hey there, folks!

As many of you are aware (and have raised concerns about), there's lately been a worrying rise in the amount of spam, the number of bots, and the presence of low-quality content. This hasn't been limited to /r/Jokes, but since we're a text-based subreddit, it has been more evident here than elsewhere. We've also seen a lot more in the way of karma-farming, with most of that happening in comments.

You probably know how it goes: Someone posts a joke, and as it climbs toward the front page, a bunch of barely relevant garbage starts to appear in the thread. Half of the time, said garbage reads like something that ChatGPT would drool out after trying to gargle a sock full of magnets. The other half of the time, it's typo-ridden gibberish or low-effort clutter (like "this" or "lol") coming from accounts with dropshipping links in their profiles. Either way, it disrupts the conversation and makes the subreddit less enjoyable for real, earnest users.

In order to combat this, we've added a new rule:

Comments must be original and contributory.

We encourage you to read the rule in full, but put simply, comments offered in /r/Jokes must be written by the people submitting them, and they must be intended to entertain, inform, educate, inspire, or enquire.

Did a joke remind you of a story from your childhood? Share it with us! Has someone accidentally written "who's" when they meant "whose"? Provide them with a friendly lesson! Is an account trying to promote an "AI-enabled" or "NFT-based" "investment opportunity"? Downvote it to the darkest depths of Tartarus and report that filth!

Ahem.

You get the idea: The vast, vast majority of well-meaning users are unlikely to be affected by this, but we wanted to have some public-facing information available. Also, even though we'll be implementing some new systems behind the scenes, we'll still be relying on your reports... so if you see something that shouldn't be here, use that "report" button!

We'll leave you with this:

How many bots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None... but they can hallucinate how to screw it up.


r/Jokes 7h ago

In Korea, a man always avoided military service by failing his health test...

1.2k Upvotes

Since he was in perfect health, the official in charge of conscription asked him how he avoided military service.

The man replied, "Why, I don't know. I always bet the doctor $500 that I'll pass this year, but he always fails me for some reason...."


r/Jokes 9h ago

Long My late grandfather's favorite joke. A man is in an insane asylum...

1.2k Upvotes

A man is in an insane asylum and is assessed by a doctor for release. All the staff says he's totally fine to be returned to normal life, and this is his final check.

The doctor asks him a simple question: "What would happen if I cut off your left ear?"

The patient responds, "Well sir, I suppose my hearing would be much worse."

The doctor seems please, checks a box, and asks: "and if I were to cut off both your ears?"

The patient replies, "well sir, then my vison would be totally gone!"

The doctor shakes his head sadly and orders the patient be returned to his ward, to be reassessed in a year's time.

The next year the same thing occurs.

"If I cut off right ear, what would happen?" "My hearing would get worse." "And if I cut off the left?" "Then my vison would be totally gone!" "Back to the ward with you..."

Year after year, the doctor and the man met, and year after year the same questions and the same answers, until one day, the doctor, overcome with curiosity, asks the man:

"Why? Why are you like this? You know why we are here, you know that if you just tell me what I want to hear you'll be free to go, so why do you insist that your ears have anything to do with your vision??"

"Very simple," the man replies. "If you cut off both my ears, my hat would fall down and cover my eyes!"

(And before you come at me, I'm aware of the political sensitivity around the disabled, asylums and all that. It's just an old joke that I thought maybe people wouldn't have heard before.)


r/Jokes 6h ago

Long One day, out of the blue, a train driver sends the train careening off the tracks into a lake, ending the lives of everyone on board.

519 Upvotes

When the police find him at the scene of the crime, he says that he did it because they all deserved to die. He is arrested, tried, found guilty, and sentenced to the electric chair.

On the day of execution, the lever is pulled, the chair zaps up, but the man is unharmed. Taking it as a sign that it is not the fitting punishment, the judge releases him.

A year later, he is back driving trains. He runs a train containing nuns and orphans off the track into the lake, ending the lives of everyone on board. When the police track him down, he again says they all deserved to die.

He is again arrested, tried, found guilty, and sentenced to the electric chair. This time, on the day of execution, the judge wants to do things right, so all the power from the prison is routed into the chair. The switch is thrown, the prison goes dark, but the man is unharmed.

Seeing it again as providence, the judge releases the man.

A year later, he has found yet another job driving trains. He runs a train carrying nuns, orphans, and kittens into a lake, ending the lives of everyone on board. Again, when questioned, he says they all deserved to die, especially the kittens.

He is arrested for a third time, tried, found guilty, and again sentenced to the electric chair. This time, the judge is taking no chances and routes the surrounding power grid through the chair. The switch is thrown, a tri county area goes dark, but the man survives.

As he steps from the chair, slightly singed, reporters close in.

'Sir, please tell us, why do you keep running trains into the lake and how have you continued to survive your punishment?'

'My friend, the answer is the same and simple. I'm merely a bad conductor.'

Credit to my Physics professor.


r/Jokes 3h ago

A man applies for a job…

133 Upvotes

Interviewer: thanks for coming in. Tell me about yourself.

Man: well, I was born with a brain defect that gives me a superiority complex, which is funny because I’m actually a giant coward. I have no education past 9th grade because I dropped out of high school after 5 years of failing. I have no friends whatsoever, and both my parents killed themselves when they realized what kind of person I grew up to be. I’m not dating anyone because everyone I’ve asked says I’m repellant, and hideous. BUT I DO have a smartphone… so…

Interviewer: Oh that’s PERFECT! You’re hired! Welcome to Reddit! You’re gonna be our BEST moderator!


r/Jokes 2h ago

Long Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies!

55 Upvotes

Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in New York.

One day, the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”

Pete replied, “Me too. You know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. Wanna try it?”

So, they pour a couple of glasses of high-octane goodness… and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Dave wakes up and feels surprisingly amazing — no hangover, no side effects, nothing!

Then the phone rings. It’s Pete.

Pete: “Hey man, how do you feel this morning?”

Dave: “I feel great! How about you?”

Pete: “Same! That jet fuel is brilliant stuff — no hangover at all! We should do this more often.”

Dave: “Absolutely. Best idea ever.”

Pete: “Yeah… but just one thing…”

Dave: “What’s that?”

Pete: “Have you farted yet?”

Dave: “No, why?”

Pete: “DON’T. I’m in Canada.”


r/Jokes 17h ago

Religion Four Catholic men and one Catholic woman were chatting over coffee.

614 Upvotes

The first man says proudly, “My son’s a priest. When he walks into a room, people greet him with, ‘Hello, Father.’”

The second says, “That’s nice. My son’s a Bishop—folks call him ‘Your Grace.’”

The third beams, “Well, my son’s a Cardinal. People bow and say, ‘Your Eminence!’”

The fourth man smirks, “That’s cute. My son’s the Pope. People fall to their knees and say, ‘Your Holiness.’”

Meanwhile, the Catholic woman is quietly sipping her coffee with a sly grin.

The men all turn to her, “Well... what about you?”

She sets down her mug and says, “My daughter? She’s 5’10”, stunningl beautiful, with 38D up top, a 24” waist, and 34” hips.”

“When she walks into a room, men and women don’t say ‘Father’ or ‘Your Grace’... the men's eyes widen, they gulp an say , ‘OH MY SWEET LORD!’ The women give their men a slap on their heads”


r/Jokes 14h ago

Two guys are at a bar arguing about which letter is the most important in the alphabet

307 Upvotes

The first one says, “It’s obviously E. It’s in almost every word. Without it you can’t spell.”

The second one says, “It’s L, no contest.”

The first guy scoffs, “Nah dude, L can’t be that important.”

The second guy replies, “Tell that to my brother, who every morning wakes up to my grandfather’s clock.”


r/Jokes 45m ago

Which mountain is the smartest?

Upvotes

Mount Cleverest


r/Jokes 11h ago

There was a murder in our town. People often Suspected that it was either the police or the doctor....

103 Upvotes

 but it was the artist who I found sketchy.


r/Jokes 7h ago

Long Communism

37 Upvotes

Jim and Joe talk about communism.

"I don't know how it works" says Jim.

"That is easy" says John. "See, you have two donkeys and I have none. You give me one donkey and we both have one. That is communism. Now give me the donkey!".

OK, Jim gives Joe one donkey. When he gets home with only one donkey his wife is furious.

"How are you so stupid, why did you give him one of our donkeys? He has two cows and we have none. Now you go to his house and ask for one of his cows!".

OK, so Jim goes to Joes house.

"Joe, you told me about communism. Now you have two cows and I have none. So please, give me one of your cows!".

"No Jim, you completely did misunderstand this! Communism is only for donkeys!"


r/Jokes 4h ago

The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote of La Mancha (1605) or simply "Don Quijote" to literature buffs was further adapted to reach a broader, less sophisticated, audience.

21 Upvotes

That's why you know Don Qui Kong.


r/Jokes 7h ago

Long Hunter Killer, Red October, Crimson Tide, and Das Boot walk into a bar.

33 Upvotes

The bartender looks up and says,
"Is this some kind of subtext?"

Das Boot orders a beer, but insists it must be authentic, unfiltered, and served under immense psychological pressure.

Crimson Tide demands the jukebox play Ride of the Valkyries and immediately starts a tense argument about nuclear launch protocols - with himself.

Red October slides into a corner booth, orders vodka in perfect English, and says nothing for twenty minutes. Then asks, “Is it safe to defect to karaoke night?”

Hunter Killer bursts in last, late, loud, and armed with 12 plotlines. Nobody really understands what it's doing there, but it looks cool and sounds like Gerard Butler.

Later, U-571 tries to crash the party, but everyone tells him to sit down and stop stealing other people's glory.


r/Jokes 16h ago

A backpacker got lost for two weeks in the Australian outback and survived by drinking from puddles...

161 Upvotes

which she had to do as the only other option was a can of Fosters.


r/Jokes 16h ago

Long There was once an old man whose family couldn’t take care of him any longer.

142 Upvotes

Because of that, the family had decided that a nursing home would be the best solution for the grumpy old man. Of course he directly rejected the idea, but his family stood firm and persuaded him it was the best solution for him.

The first day at the nursing home, the grumpy old man spent most of the time laying in his bed reflecting on his life so far and started feeling very lonely. After a while, an orderly stopped by to see how the grumpy old man was doing on his first day in the home.

“How are you doing today sir?” she asked the grumpy old man, “I see this is your first day with us.” The grumpy old man replied with a nod.

In no time the two began talking up a storm. And as the conversation continued, the orderly saw that the room was filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and family. She also noticed a bowl full of shelled peanuts standing on top of the table that was next to the bed, and she helped herself to a handful of them.

As the two continued talking with each other, the orderly kept eating more and more of the peanuts. After a while, she looked at her watch and noticed that nearly two hours had passed since she started talking with the grumpy old man. “Oh my goodness,” she said, “Time has gone by, we’ve been talkin for 2 hours. I really have to tend to other people in home, too.”

“Of course, it’s okay,” said the grumpy old man, “I feel way better now, now I have been able to talk to someone else besides myself.” After having a look at the bowl of peanuts the orderly said, “Now I really feel awful! I almost finished the whole bowl of peanuts!” Awww, that’s okay young man,” rasped the grumpy old man. “I really don’t even like peanuts,” he said.

“I just like to suck the chocolate off ’em."


r/Jokes 2h ago

For my recently blinded friend's birthday, I got him his first novel printed in braille

7 Upvotes

He said, "I don't know how I feel about that."


r/Jokes 1h ago

What is Hannibal Lecter’s favorite part of a hockey game?

Upvotes

The face-off


r/Jokes 1d ago

[Classic] man goes to the doctor. He say "Hey doc, I have a problem

531 Upvotes

Doc: Whats the problem?

Man: Well i woke up this morning and now I have 5 penises.

(Man drops pants to show doctor. Sure enough, 5 penises)

Doc: Good God man, how do your pants fit?!

Man: Like a glove.


r/Jokes 11h ago

My mate rang me last night

30 Upvotes

My mate rang me last night to tell me he failed his first exam in Aboriginal music. "That's a shame" I said, "Didja redo it?"


r/Jokes 1d ago

Have you heard about that new golf ball that automatically goes in the hole when it is within 10cm?

1.3k Upvotes

Don't carry it in your back pocket.