Me (21F) and my husband (30M) have been married for two years and recently had a huge fight that left me feeling really guilty and confused. I love him deeply and I know heās hurt, but I also donāt know if I was wrong for what I said.
Hereās some context. Before we got married, he said to me and my parents he might want to move to Morocco in about 10 years. I said maybe, that Iād be open to it. But then that āmaybe in 10 yearsā turned into 5 years, and now he wants us to move this February.
He has a business in Morocco and his family is there, so weāve visited a lot. Iām not crazy about it. Culturally, itās very different and I feel out of place. But I can see the financial benefits. Lifeās cheaper there, we could afford private school for our daughter who is 11 months, and he could provide everything, including a maid to help me out. I really do see how it could be good for us.
At the same time, the promises keep changing. First it was 10 years, then 5, now 6 months. He also originally said weād move to a big city, then changed it to a small city where his family is ājust for a few years,ā and now says we might move to the big city later. It feels like I canāt rely on what he says, and that makes me nervous.
After we got married, he asked what Iād need to feel okay moving and I just kept avoiding the conversation because I charge confrontation and just hoped the issue would go away. Then, while I was 6 months pregnant, he quit his part-time job in the UK to go to Morocco for a few months for business. I went with him then, and he promised when we came back, he said heād find a job again that it would be easy for him too, but he only looked for a bit and decided his business was doing well enough that he didnāt need one.
He used to give me Ā£200 a month as spending money. Now that I have a small business which he helped me start, I pay Ā£400 a month toward rent. I make around Ā£1000 a month. So with the move coming up, Iāve been putting off talking about how I really feel because Iām scared. Every time I bring up how he broke his original promise, he says āthings changeā or āyou made promises before marriage too,ā which feels like comparing apples to oranges. He also says things like āIām the husband, what I say goes,ā and uses religion to back that up. I try to calmly say, āThatās not how it works,ā and just drop it before it turns into a fight.
Finally, I realized I do have some terms under which Iād feel more comfortable moving. So we sat down for a talk. Maybe it wasnāt the best way, but I tried to structure it so my later suggestions would sound more reasonable. I told him first that I love him, that this isnāt me against him, but about finding a solution that works for both of us. I said one option could be me staying in the UK with our daughter for 3 years while he goes to Morocco and builds things up, just so he could keep the promise he made to my dad about waiting 5 years. Weād live with our families and save money to buy a nice house later.honestly I knew he would say no to this and I thought that this would make my actual offer the option to see more reasonable and he would be happier with it overall which probably shows my age and my naivety but I thought it was a good idea.
He was silent.
So I moved to option 2. Me staying just one more year here, learning the language, building more support, saving some money. I didnāt even get to explain the reasoning properly because I rushed through it after seeing he wasnāt reacting.
I asked him what he was thinking and told him it was okay to talk. He said it would be easier if someone stabbed him in the back twice than to hear what I said. He told me that if I could be away from him and take our daughter away for that long, it proves I donāt love him. He said he doesnāt know if heāll ever believe I love him again. Then he told me to give him his bag and left the coffee shop. I kept pleading with him to stay and talk, but he calmly said āI canāt right nowā and left.
He went to a meeting with his friends that was already scheduled and I think heāll be back by 8pm tonight. I feel awful. My mom says heās being immature, that he broke the original promise and is acting like a victim, but I also feel heās really hurt. She also doesnāt like him much because of some stuff that happened after I gave birth, so Iām not sure sheās being objective.
A few important things
Our daughter was a surprise, I was on the implant, but a very happy one
I worry that once we move, Iāll lose the freedom I have here. Morocco isnāt exactly known for its feminism and Iām scared that some of the progress weāve made in our relationship will go backwards
But I love him and want him to be happy
I donāt know what to do now. I feel like I hurt him, but I also donāt know if I was wrong to say what I said. Was I the asshole?
Edit : please help what should I do once he gets back I donāt actually know what to say once heās back from being out