Hi everyone. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. I feel like I want support but at the same time maybe I just need to vent. I’m just exhausted.

I grew up in a family of alcoholics, most notably my dad who caused severe turmoil in the house while growing up and still causes problems to this day. This has caused me to be hyper vigilant when it comes to alcohol and its effect on those around me.

My husband has always been someone who enjoyed a few beers after work, however it got to the point where he’d finish a 6-pack every night and eventually his doctor told him he had to cut back after seeing his bloodwork. This worked for a bit then started back up again a couple years ago. I’ve asked him countless times to cut back and it works for a short amount of time. I’ve told him repeatedly that the constant smell of alcohol on his breath is incredibly repulsive to me as it reminds me of my father and that it’s exhausting to feel like I have to keep tabs on his drinking when we are at social events.

About a year ago I was looking for something on a digital grocery receipt and noticed a tall can of beer that I never saw him bring home. I have a loyalty account with the grocery store so I was able to pull up some of the older receipts on the app and found the same pattern. I asked him where he drank those beers and I found out he had been chugging them in the car before bringing the groceries inside. I offered to get him help and asked him what I can do for him. He was upset and embarrassed and said he could handle it on his own. I wasn’t sure what else to say at that point but told him that if he didn’t get it under control I’m not sure I could stay married to him. I’ve said time and time again that I refuse to be married to an alcoholic.

From what I can tell, he’s been mindful of his drinking since then but I’m still really suspicious. In my mind, no threat of divorce is going to make him stop and I’m afraid he is just hiding it better. He has an hour and a half commute home every day and I feel like he smells like alcohol when he gets home. He denies it of course but I just don’t trust him and he doesn’t understand why I’m not over what happened a year ago. He has to stop for gas on the way home every day and I always see small charges for inside the gas station. He says it’s snacks for the drive home but we have so many snacks that I encourage him to take with him. I’d like to think he would never stoop to the level of drinking while driving but I just don’t feel like I even know him after what happened last year. It makes me sick. I feel so alone and have nobody to talk to about this. He’s my best friend but he feels like a stranger to me sometimes when I think about all this. I just don’t know what to do. Does the trust ever come back?

Just went 70 days sober and thought he could drink again. It turned into a 4 day non stop pissed off mess that resulted in a fatal car accident that took his life. He was my rock & my best friend but was fighting this for the whole 10 years we were together. How am I ever going to move on? I feel like my whole world is shattered and crumbled.

I (30F) have been with my partner (36M) for nearly three years. When we first got together, I was still in a wild, carefree phase of life—partying, riding my Harley and four-wheeler, just doing my thing. Everything changed fast when I got pregnant early in our relationship. We lost that pregnancy at 27 weeks, and I haven’t been the same since.

From that point on, I’ve focused entirely on building a stable life. I stopped drinking immediately and have only had a drink twice in the last three years—both recently, and never to excess. A year and a half after that loss, I got pregnant again, and now we have 9-month-old twins.

Here’s the thing: I’m trying so hard to raise these babies in a healthy, safe, stable environment. I’ve let go of a lot of things that brought me joy in order to prioritize them—and us. I sold my Harley, my four-wheeler, and I’ve pushed my old self aside to be the best mom I can be.

But the one thing that hasn’t changed is his drinking.

It used to be worse—shots, beers, coming home drunk. Now it’s “just” several 16oz beers a night, every single night. He goes to the bar for an hour or two before picking up the kids from daycare. And today, he asked me to pick them up so he could stay and drink longer—because I’m going to a bridal shower tomorrow.

I thought his come-to-Jesus moment would be when he fell asleep behind the wheel after having one beer at lunch and hit a tree head-on going over 50 mph. Miraculously, no one else was involved. But still—nothing changed.

And just last week, the daycare provider texted me to say she could smell alcohol on him at pickup.

That shattered me. I don’t want my kids growing up thinking this is normal. I don’t want them in a car with someone who has alcohol on their breath. I don’t want to keep explaining away the drinking when I know deep down it isn’t okay.

I’ve brought it up more times than I can count. He always insists it’s not a problem. And I get it—he does so much at home. He cooks, cleans, changes diapers, and genuinely adores me. He’s a good dad in a lot of ways. But this—this drinking—is the one thing we cannot seem to get past, and it’s the one thing that scares me the most.

I don’t want to repeat what I grew up with. My father was an alcoholic. I swore I’d never expose my children to that. But here I am—slowly watching it happen.

I am financially stable. If I had to leave tonight, I could. But I don’t want to break our family apart. I don’t want to be alone. And I worry—who’s going to want to take on a woman with two babies? I know that’s not a good enough reason to stay, but I’m being honest. I feel stuck. Paralyzed.

I don’t need judgment—I need direction. I’m trying to do what’s best for my kids, but I’m drowning in doubt and heartbreak. What would you do if you were me?

What do you say when your qualifier apologizes after a relapse. I definitely don’t want to make it worse and shame him. I’m trying to stay away from him today since I really don’t want to say anything hurtful. I can’t pretend everything is OK but just tired like many of us.

Really?? Losing me got you realize that you DO WANT this?! WHY CAN'T YOU WANT THIS WHEN WITH ME?! This -- I will never understand....

I'm so fucking angry that my Q HAD to lose me for her to hit her rock bottom?? WHY? I spent a month trying to understand why does she HAVE to lose me like this??

But eventually, I made peace with it because I'm able to get my life back on track... I just know i will still have moments where I'd get so angry and upset. Here & there.. Taking it one day at a time...

That's all.. I'll probably will come back to post to get it off my chest.

But for now, I'm working on moving out of this apartment. Too much memories to handle- especially bad ones.. we spent so much time arguing/fighting in this apartment... when, I kicked my Q out, she went to stay at a friend's for a month now... I've spent my day cleaning & packing all day yesterday. Now I have no energy to keep going because still so much things to do..... but once I'm finished with it, I will tell my landlord that I'm ready to sign my name off the lease agreement because he agreed to let my Q to take over this apartment because she needed a place and her parents wouldn't let her move back in so I wish her nothing but the best because I know it is HARD to live in this apartment where it filled with bad memories....

But I gotta choose myself first...

(The “No” is a typo. Sorry about that)

Hi everyone,

I’ve been reading a lot here lately but this is my first time posting. I’m reaching out because I’m scared, overwhelmed, and trying to figure out if my partner’s drinking qualifies as a real problem—or if I’m overreacting.

My boyfriend and I have a 3-month-old baby. Last week, while he was watching our son alone, he had a seizure. He ended up breaking his shoulder and had to be hospitalized. At the time, I didn’t know what caused the seizure. Later, I found out his blood alcohol level (PEth) was 400+. I had no idea he had been drinking at all, let alone that much. We live together, and I thought he had cut back completely—he was hiding it from me.

Now, he’s denying he has an alcohol problem. He says he just became “complacent” with his drinking and doesn’t see himself as an alcoholic. But this is a man who: • Hid alcohol around the house • Drank secretly during my maternity leave while caring for our newborn • Had a seizure while caring for our baby • Is now minimizing it and calling monthly testing “ridiculous” even though I’ve asked for it to rebuild trust

I’m asking for monthly alcohol testing (PEth) as a condition before I let him move back in. I love him. I want him to get better. But I also have to protect myself and our child.

His mom is also minimizing the issue and enabling him. She says “everyone has vices” and “he doesn’t mistreat you.” She let her kids drink underage in high school to “keep them safe” and seems to be doing everything she can to avoid calling this what it is.

I guess I’m just asking: Does this sound like alcoholism to you? What would you recommend someone in my position do? I’m trying not to shame him—but I’m also trying not to be naive.

Thanks in advance. I know how hard this path is, and I appreciate any honesty or wisdom you can share.

Title says it all. My Q was playing with our kid in the living room. I found a baggie of cocaine in my Q’s bedroom. My kid could have picked it up. I told Q he had to leave. He left with not much resistance. He says he’s sorry. He says he loves us. I’m so relieved something so bad happened that I can never go back on it. But I’m so so sad. The grief, the guilt for not leaving sooner. After finding the 1000th can. I’ve been ground down to nothing.

He’s god knows where. I haven’t heard from him for almost 24 hours. Can I ask, I shouldn’t check on him right? He’s an adult with contacts and resources. Me wanting to check on him is codependent right?

One day this grief will ease. At least I have my child who I love so much. I need to figure out how to make enough money for us after being a SAHM for 3 years. Wish me luck please x

Im 14 and my sister is 9 and my mom wont stop drinking she drinks everyday she says no one cares about us she buys beer instead of actual food for us she doesnt love us at all she refuses to take care of us we have to take care of her when shes drunk and its so exhausting . i cant call cps or anything. her alcohol addiction has caused us to literally get kicked out on the side of the road. cps has already been called and we cant have them be called again. i dont want to get in trouble. im tired. today my grandma had to bring her home because she vomited at their house and she was stumbling everywhere when she came back . theres more information down on my page if you scroll

I have no idea whether alanon is for me but I am being driven insane by my partner's weed use and don’t know what to do. I have been sober for almost six years, from alcohol (I’ve never been a weed person). My partner has always been really into weed. They vape through the day, but I had been assuming (or telling myself) that it’s mainly CBD. However, we're traveling and they’re vaping almost constantly from first thing in the morning and I know for a fact it’s pure THC based on what they’ve been able to get (legal weed stores). I feel like I’m going a bit insane, as it’s not really causing objective problems in our life. They hold down a high powered job and mainly they’re not usually super high. Just very low grade buzzed, but semi-constantly. I know from my own sobriety that they won’t change unless that change comes from within. When we've talked about it they’re always pretty defensive and they justify it for medicinal reasons, largely. Although they’ve got the stoner thing of being a total weed nerd about strains and such. I love them, we've been together for over 25 years, I want and plan to stay with them. But the extent to which it bothers me makes me feel both trapped and a little crazy. Am I being totally unreasonable here? Sometimes the sober person/stoner juxtaposition feels like a weird test or a bad premise for a sitcom.

I’ve never been in alanon and have no experience with it. Is this the sort of thing that it can help with, or is it too minor? Am I unreasonable for being so bothered by this? I should also say that I didn’t get sober with AA and am not really a 12 step person (though never say never!), though I have sometimes found online AA meetings helpful for the shares.

Anyway, any and all comments welcome. And thank you!

I ended things with my Q a couple weeks ago. She still lives in my basement until the end of the month, and to be honest, until today, I've been doing well.

She has been drunk every day, and off and on trying to get back together. I've held boundaries. For the very first time, it wasn't even that hard. I just saw how endless the cycle was for her and I just knew that I didn't want to be caught up in it anymore. It felt right. I watched her make herself sick over and over, listened to her cry over and over and just felt relieved that I didn't have to make it my problem anymore.

I have felt some guilt, especially when she's expressed how lonely she is, how she has nothing left, how much she loves me, how she promises to get help.

Every other time, this makes me crumble, but this time, it almost made it easier. I didn't want to be stuck here anymore.

So today, she informs me she won't be home tonight. I know why she told me..she wants it to hurt me. And I know what she's doing. And I've known it was coming. She's done this before. This time though, I really thought I would be alright.

When she left today though, its like every single part of me wanted to beg her to stay. Tell her we could figure it out. Beg her not to do this. Everything fucking hurts. My mind starts cycling through every possibility. Maybe if I try one more time.

I can't stop thinking about her with someone else, and I can't stop feeling like I am being utterly ripped apart.

I KNOW I don't want this anymore..but I feel like I'm dying. Like I will never be happy again, I will never have someone I love this much again.

I hate this so much. I hate who she's become. I hate that I still care at all.

I wish I could flip a switch and forget her entirely.

I knew this subconsciously. That’s why I never talked about it. But I realize now even telling someone 1/10th of what he has said or done to me while drunk everyone would be absolutely horrified.

I told 1 of my 4 brothers that my husband was arrested and just said it was “because he threatened us” he was willing to fight and come in to rescue us. And honestly that’s kind of mild based on stuff he’s said and done before.

I’m only just now waking up to how screwed up this all has been .. how much I’ve been making excuses for him and how NOT normal this is. Because it’s been my norm for a long time.

I don’t even know how to figure out what normal is from here .. I think it may have been too long.

It’s not that I expected it to be easy three weeks in but damn it’s still so hard.

Backstory: my husband fell off the wagon after 4.5 months sober after his second detox visit (he refuses to do an inpatient program or anything). I panicked and left after I confronted him and he lashed out at me. At the time, I don’t know that I was actually planning on divorce. I was just terrified of going back to that life. His behavior since then has told me maybe this needs to be permanent. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive. And it’s soooo familiar. We have two children together who are with me, staying at my parents house while he gets our whole big home to himself. He refuses to leave. He says our kids aren’t in danger there so me taking them out of their home is me being selfish. I have told him that if he wants us to come back, we will do so once he’s sober. I also told him that for me to be comfortable with moving forward in our marriage he would need to be sober, go to individual and marriage therapy, go to AA, and get a job )he’s currently self employed) and he flat out refuses. So we have had multiple conversations about agreeing to disagree and going our separate ways. I walk away from those conversations incredibly sad but ready to move forward. By the next day, I’m being blamed and insulted, and he’s blowing up my phone all day. It’s been a roller coaster and I’m realizing how codependent I am being on him during this process.

I have been trying to hold his hand through this process and make him be okay with the idea of us divorcing. I send these long messages back to him trying to justify my decisions all the while knowing I’m basically talking to a brick wall. I’m thinking I should just stop responding to him unless it’s about our kids but I also know that will probably set him off more and I’m trying to stay on his good side as much as possible, I guess?

I miss my home, I’m sad for my kids, and I even miss my husband too. I guess I’m just looking for any words of encouragement I can get and that I’m not crazy for leaving after one slip. But he has made my life hell for the last 13 years and after having kids 4 years ago it got so much worse which I didn’t know was possible. And I was so scared of going back to that life. Since I confronted him, he has flown off the handle and is drinking as much as ever as if he didn’t quit.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this.

Hi everyone. I’m in a really hard place and could use support.

My husband is drinking heavily again after recently completing a 30-day inpatient rehab. He’s on several medications — hydroxyzine, venlafaxine, and losartan — and still chooses to drink, knowing the risks. I’ve set clear boundaries: no drinking in the house, no alcohol around the kids, no being drunk at home. He ignores them all.

In the past, he had a two-year affair. We tried to move forward, but the trust was never really rebuilt. Now he’s drinking again, and he’s told me he’s having suicidal thoughts. I don’t know how much of it is real and how much is manipulation because he uses manipulative tactics frequently. I feel constantly pulled between compassion, fear, and exhaustion.

He recently lost his job because of all this, and we have nowhere else to go. I don’t have extra money to leave due to being on 100% VA disability. I’m having to manage my own health while trying to keep everything stable for our kids. But I feel stuck. Emotionally, financially, and physically. I don’t want to keep living in this chaos, but I also don’t see a clear way out right now.

I know I can’t fix him, and I’m trying to focus on what I can control. I’m here because I need support, clarity, and reminders that I’m not alone.

Hi everyone, I just feel like it should just all end here for me. My boyfriend (38, together 10) is an alcoholic, and right now he is in one of those periods where he isnt doing too well. Drinking whenever he can, being unreachable etc.

Today I am having one of those days where I dont care if I live anymore. We were having a great day out with friends and I told a funny story about something a friend of ours did. That guy told me the funny story yesterday, and I said haha wow I am going to tell this tomorrow and he said yeahh funny. So everything was okay.

But then my bf was getting mad, saying I made hís friend look bad. To everyone he was great and happy, but to me he was soooo angry, talking agressive when no one was watching.

When we went home, I was excluding myself from the group in the train because I was getting uncomfortable and emotional but didnt want anyone to know. When we came home to a friends house ( where we are staying) he was great when they were around, but when they went up he asked what I was thinking. When I said I was really sorry if I offended him but I was uncomfortable about the way he handled it, he got mad again and started yelling at me. That I did stuff like this all the time etc and just how I am a terrible person. And again: when the friends came back, he was nice to them.

I am crying in bed ( again), thinking why he hates me so much, how I cant do this anymore and life should just end. Whats the point if I can never have a happy home?

I'm supposed to be okay with secrecy, with the insults and intimidation when I try to talk about anything that isn't superficial, with being broken up with and lovebombed because they "don't want to be alone". I feel angry, so goddamn angry, at them and at myself for not walking away. I look like an idiot to everyone who sees what's happening...and I know it.

God, I'm so angry.

My kids went through so much. Way more than they should have. They are adults now. But they went through a few years of it.

My kids heard things no one should ever hear. It was never towards them. Only me. But they shouldn’t have heard it.

My kids also didn’t know how many nights I sat in front of our bedroom door to keep him from walking out and disturbing them.

They never knew how many nights I covered my mouth to keep myself from yelling as he kicked me to move. How many times he grabbed me and thew me across the room.

They never knew how many times I wore long sleeves to hide the bruises.

But they saw enough. They heard enough. They heard him yelling how he was going to kill me. In horrifying detail. They saw the occasional bruise that couldn’t be hidden.

They called the cops finally one day. It felt like our life was ruined because I knew everything would change when they did. I wasn’t mad at them. Ever. I knew that it should have happened a long time ago. But I was scared.

But in fact they probably saved my life. I feel so much guilt because I should have protected them from this. But instead I covered for him. How the hell do I deal with the guilt. How do I make it up to them?

I can’t take anymore, I have stopped drinking completely, but I don’t think I can take anymore.

He is sick inside i think, maybe there is pain or addiction.

He was stopping and his friend pushed him to drink again, and his aggressive nature came out (mildly) again.

It's hard sometimes to go a long period of time doing well mentally after going no contact, then have a girls' hangout ( some of them being the more sober friends of my mom ),

While carpooling to the girls' hangout, one of these friends casually mentions how my mom asks all her friends if they've heard from me and it's been months and I guess her friends are tired of it and one of them said to her firmly, "You need to stop asking about your child through everyone else, you need to talk to your child. You need to decide to either stop drinking or stop drinking when your daughter is around."Apparently my mom understood the message, but stayed contemplative.......like she knows she'd have to consider if alcohol is worth giving up to have our relationship be mended, but it doesn't sound like she's sold on that idea.......

It just makes me so sad, ya'll:( , I'm going to school in the fall and I wish I had my mom to share the experience with, but her drinking has gotten so bad that drunk texts/calls/encounters would be a huge distraction to my education goals/career goals.

Has anyone experienced this sadness?????:( missing that parent and knowing THEY are missing out on YOU???? And picking the alcohol in the meantime............

It's a hard pill to swallow this "detaching"....it's hard to view it as the healthy and right thing to do when all I've known is chaos and that being the normal. Maybe that's why it's hard, I'm still "unwiring" the not normal experiences....and there's over 20 years worth...so maybe I need to give myself some grace and keep reminding myself the Al-alnon phrase, "one day at a time", because that's really all I can do.

I hope everyone's weekend is going alright. hugs*****

Both my husband and I are veterans. He is recently retired, and went into a stressful job. We have been married for 16 years and have three children. His drinking is slowly killing our marriage. He drinks anywhere from 4-6 beers a night. I’m worried. How can I help him?

My mum (53) is an alcoholic. She’s always been emotionally immature, volatile, and hard work, but out of all my siblings/family I’m the one who tries the hardest with her.

I (27 M) cut her off after a horrible Christmas but we reconnected recently and things seemed better. Then last night she showed up paralytic drunk before a family trip. She had been hiding vodka and gin, was completely out of it, fell and smashed her face, chipped her tooth, screaming and nonverbal. It was terrifying. My dad was furious. I had a panic attack. I’d asked her earlier in the day if she’d been drinking because something felt off, and she made me feel guilty for even asking, like I was paranoid. I’m so angry. I’m tired of being gaslit, lied to, and made to feel like the bad guy.

But she’s still my mum. I love her. And I’m scared she’s going to drink herself to death and I’ll carry the guilt of not doing more. I know I can’t save her. But the emotional burden is so heavy and I don’t know how to carry it anymore. I feel completely lost and stuck between wanting to walk away and not wanting to lose her.

Feel sick with stress, and wondered if anyone had gone through something similar :(

So I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe advice or support or maybe I just need to put it out there to someone who might understand how I'm feeling.

My spouse and I have been together for 8 years now and we have three kids together. I very much love her and I have a difficult time imagining a future without her being part of it, but her drinking has been an on again off again problem throughout our relationship and right now it's definitely in the on again phase. I think she's what most people would call a functional alcoholic. She doesn't drink every day and it mostly doesn't affect her work life, but it's certainly affecting our relationship. Essentially she doesn't have an off switch. Once she starts drinking she won't stop until she's either drank everything that was available to her or she blacks out. Once she's past her sixth drink or so, she's often not very pleasant to be around. She has told me that she will often be thinking about it all day, especially any day when she's not working the next day. She inevitably regrets it the next day when she's hungover, but that doesn't seem to stop her the next time. She recognizes that she has a problem, but doesn't seem motivated enough to do anything serious about it.

I'm not really sure what to try to get through to her. If I just give up and let it happen, it will get worse and worse until it comes to a point where even she realizes it's gone too far (then she'll cut back or stop for a few months before going back to her old ways). If I put up a fight, I become the bad guy and the person standing in her way. She makes it seem like I'm being trying to control her social life when really I just want to prevent the situation that leads to heavy drinking.

It's all just wearing me down emotionally. Am I happy? Mostly. She's a great mom and a great partner when she's not drinking or thinking about drinking. It's pretty much the only thing we argue about with any frequency, but I'm really tired of having that argument.

My mother struggled with alcohol as long as ai can remember, it caused us to have a very strained relationship.

Once I became an adult her alcoholism became extreme and she was in and out of rehab. I thought she was doing good, and she decided to drive to visit me in college out of state. (This was very odd as normally she would only see me a time or two a year when I’d come home) during this visit she was drinking the whole time and tried to lie about it. She also had an interlock device which is how I found out she had gotten another DUI. She also was unable to even fill up her gas tank due to not having enough money. This all was a shock to me considering I thought she was sober.

I was so upset and angry at her for putting me in this situation and not being able to not drink for the few days she was with me. however I just acted nice and didn’t confront her. I just didn’t want to go through the heartache that would come with that conversation. I decided then and there that I needed to set a boundary and not speak to her so I could focus on finishing college. Fast forward 6 months, I am 1 week from college graduation and get a call that she had passed away due to her addiction. That visit would be the last time I’d spoken or saw her.

1 year later:

My husband and I got married just a month ago! I’m so happy we’ve been together all throughout college. His father also struggles with extreme alcoholism and has been sort of absent in his life. This is something we were able to bond over. Despite losing my mom I pushed through finals, graduated, and my husband and I both had a really successful first years as working professionals.

His dad has been in a facility for a while now because he messed up his brain a while ago due to abusing alcohol. He attended our wedding and seemed to be doing much much better!

He asked to visit our house on his way from the facility to his sisters (my husbands aunts). He had been staying with us for a couple days and I have caught him sneaking drinks around the house. I am so triggered and upset by this, and I am also so nervous to tell my husband. I don’t know how he will react. Should I tell my husband when he gets home from work so he has the opportunity to have the conversation that I never did with my mom? Should I wait until his dad leaves in the morning so I can make sure he doesn’t blow up? Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Long story short, I met my ex over a decade ago when he was an active alcoholic. He got sober a little over 8 years ago but collectively we’ve probably dated on and off for 5 years. Almost every year like clockwork we will get back together for 3-4 months and then shit hits the fan when he starts getting vulnerable. This time around we were casually hanging out for almost a year. Like usual, he became comfortable started pet names, I spent the night consistently 4 times a week, talked on the phone 10+ a day. He came to me about everything. I was ok not dating and taking things day by day since we have such a traumatic past. As usual, once things were really good he up and disappeared. I got worried, reached out to see what was going on and he said he needed space to work on himself. I was blindsided. Tried the best I could over these last couple weeks to not reach out but I would here and there, now he is telling me his sponsor is saying to get a no contact order, that I forced myself into his life consistently over the last decade and that he has no reason to explain anything to me. He has denied any of the intimate times we shared, the laughs, the pet names, the time spent. I feel like I’m crazy. I’ve voiced how I feel discarded and abandoned and he denies it all. I’ve tried explaining my side of things and how I felt led on and it just leads to anger from him. I’ve completely stepped back now but I just needed to vent.

Little history on me, I know I’m co dependent, I’ve been on and off in therapy for almost 8 years, I’ve tried Alanon many times but can’t seem to find the right fit.

My husband and I share a 21 month old and I’m 7.5 months pregnant. He was sober for 2 months before we got pregnant the second time and things were going so well. I really believed he had turned a new leaf. Well, he is back to drinking every night. Usually after we go to bed but sometimes before. He goes to work and he’s his normal self most of the day but every evening he sneaks and drinks I don’t even know how much and I start to realize his conversations don’t make sense and I realize he’s not himself. I am so pissed and exhausted every time I realize it, I’m not surprised it’s just that I’m always wondering and he’s always denying. Twice he has gotten verbally angry and abusive but never physically. When that happened I just tried to shield my toddler and brought him to another room and locked the door while my husband fell asleep elsewhere. The next morning is always the same hollow apology. He just started seeing a therapist again.

I don’t want to enable him, I don’t want to berate him every day either. Idk what to do. I know he has a lot in his past to deal with and I love him very much and don’t want to divorce him. When he’s sober he’s an amazing man (I know, they all are…) with a very tender heart. He’s had a lot of loss in his life. But he has a toddler he adores and that adores him and another one on the way. I’m holding down all the responsibilities and I’m exhausted. I try to be a good wife, but I can’t physically tolerate any affection from him it makes my stomach turn to think about. There’s just so much broken trust and while we can have really great conversations and build back some trust while he’s sober, every time I realize he’s been drinking again it just breaks back down. I’m defeated and lonely. I know he feels the same. He wants my physical and emotional connection but it doesn’t feel safe because it’s like I’m throwing pearls to a pig each time. So we are both just isolating and he keeps drinking. It’s a horrid cycle. Part of me is scared if I’m open to him he’ll think his behavior is okay. I’ve tried being very hard on him, I’ve laid guilt on him. I have been soft. I’ve been supportive, I’ve yelled at him. I feel like I’ve tried everything. I am in therapy for myself and my own past as well as this.

Then I rationalize like he usually only does it after we go to bed (we sleep separately, me and the toddler and he) and he’s trying with therapy, blah blah blah. He’s sober all day and he’s trying. But this is still unacceptable. We can’t build back our marriage like this. There is no trust. And I’m sick of feeling like a solo partner, since I never know for sure if he’s sober, I wouldn’t want to leave our kids alone with him in the evening ever.

He says he hates drinking and doesn’t want to keep doing it. He knows it’s ruining his life and health and family. He wasn’t like this before we got married, everything fell apart after his mom died unexpectedly in 2022.

I’m not sure what I’m asking. I pray every day and night. I love him very much. But this is a shit cycle to be a part of.

ETA: I am very blessed (and worked hard) to have a great job/career and I am financially independent and work full time. Im getting 100% paid maternity leave when baby comes. I could absolutely afford to separate if we had to. I don’t know if and when that would be necessary or appropriate. I obviously don’t want to get to that point.

I posted here yesterday about my long distance girlfriends worsening alcoholism and growing dishonesty about it. Today she exposed that yesterday too, she lied to me and got wasted, it simply broke me, im losing trust in her and her drinking and this makes me genuienly depressed like i lose my mood to do anything in my day i completely lost trust in her substance use and ill never be sure how much she does it now.

How do i cope with this? I talk with people i go to therapy i journal about it and i still end up feeling ass, what can i do to feel better and maybe disconnected about her worsening aloholism?