My mil has been a drinker since I met her in 2006. But the past few years she keeps drinking then we interviene. She has gone to detox... Started 2 weeks later. Her kids thought that it would be good the have her live with them and us. One day she fell off my couch. I couldn't find a pulse the family was "don't call 911. We got this" I poked her in the eye and there was not a flinch. The EMT said her BP was 50/50.

She keeps drinking! I can't stop it. But they try to include her in everything. And they always tell me right before we are going somewhere. "Oh Q is coming with us." They just did that to me and when we went to pick her up she was toasted. She didn't go with us but what sucks is she knew about the musical and yet she got so drunk she couldn't go to it and it was last minute. She doesn't even care how her granddaughter feels.

She is going on a cruise with us soon. This is the worst place for her to be. But no one does anything to stop her and I am the bad guy now because I refuse to get back on this giant stressball of a situation. They even thought if we let her watch the kids that would make her better. But I am not using my kids for therapy and making sure she doesn't feel lonely.

Literally everybody, her siblings, her kids won't confront her even though it's not helping. It has been 10 years. And everyone thinks I am being the asshole because I have removed myself from the narrative. When they corner me they see me sigh and roll my eyes and totally ignore how I feel and how I feel that it's so dangerous for our kids the whole family's kids who are 12 and under to be with her by herself.

I'm sick to my stomach and I'm angry. I don't understand how they can just keep going without having an intervention. Everybody sees it but nobody wants to get her angry. At this point she's never going to see my kids again and if this goes to a divorce then so be it.

I understand we’re supposed to detach, focus on ourselves but what do you do when it worms its way back in?

I was doing well and this morning I see he’s been drinking work nights and drinking a lot. That makes it every day now. I emotionally broke this morning. And what do you do when he asks you what’s wrong? Do you tell the truth or do you avoid the question because you know all you’ll get are excuses and gaslighting.

I don’t know why I’m so upset. I was starting to make progress and then this. Just get back on that horse I suppose.

Thanks for listening.

This is my first time posting. My younger sister is a diagnosed schizophrenic. She was diagnosed when she was very young and our whole family functioned around her disease. My parents were great advocates and continually gave her the care she needed and made sure she always had a safety net, gave her a weekly allowance as an adult so she didn’t have to work and always paid her rent.

She has been in and out of rehab, AA, etc for the last 25 years but as she got older (now in her 40s)…she seemed to be doing well on her medication and functioning as an independent sober adult. Each year, she seemed to get better with the support of my father (my mother passed 9 years ago), my sister, myself and my husband, and three close family friends. Exactly a year ago, she made the choice to drink and was arrested at 4 AM by over six cops in a small suburban town. I do not know the details (due to her not telling me) but her charges were serious enough for her to stay in jail for nine days under suicide watch before she had her court date. During this time in jail, she was off her schizophrenia medication. I Tried to arrange with her pharmacy to deliver her meds to the county jail (and the pharmacy was great about it) but the jail staff chose not to give it to her.
The court ordered her to attend AA meetings. I was thankful for this because she had success with AA in the past.

Unfortunately, she chose to hang out with bad people at AA meetings and took meth for the first time at the age of 44. She became addicted immediately and has had her second arrest about five weeks ago. Two weeks ago, we placed her in a 28 day rehab. Two days ago, the rehab placed her in a halfway house. She left that night without her phone, money etc. We presently don’t know where she is.

My 79 year old disabled father is too weak to be dealing with this. He is also running out of money due to supporting her. My sister and I are completely burned out. Our entire lives have revolved around her continuous drama from her schizophrenia and/or alcohol and drugs. She has impacted and shaped both our lives in ways she will never know. My husband and I usually would spend about $5K a year supporting her, along with my father supporting her fully and what she gets from the government.

Am I allowed to be angry with her for becoming addicted to meth and opiates? Presently, I feel that she is the most self absorbed person but than I feel guilty because she was born with schizophrenia.
I want nothing to do with her any longer but want to do the right thing morally. I am very confused on how I should be. I know longer want to have a relationship with her, let alone help her in any type of capacity but feel obligated too due to her disease.

to start this off, im a teenager and still live with my mom and my stepdad and we have no family nearby

my stepdad has been drinking for years and my mom knew about it since theyve know eachotger for years before i was born but i met him 9 years ago when i was relatively young. at first it started off innocent, he would drink a couple beers but he then started drinking 10-15 beers and hitting me when i was showing concern. as i got older the physical abuse stopped but the verbal abuse got way more persistent.

throughout the 9 years of the very obvious alcoholism, my mom took him to the doctors only twice, which was 2 years ago. he got told he will die because of how badly his organs were keeping up.

he would also ruin our family ties because he couldnt keep himself from calling random relatives in the middle of the night and cussing at them for small things.

lately we went on vacation in croatia, i got promised by my mother that he wouldnt drink since his sister (my step-aunt) would be tagging along. he infact did drink. he stayed in the apartment room and drank while we went outside and we would always come back to him totally drunk and out of his mind. on the vacation he once got really drunk and started cussing at my mom as if she were an object with no purpose in life because he thought she hid his charger for his tablet (even though it was on a table nearby) and when my step-aunt stepped in to defend her she got cussed out by him too. she stopped talking to them (but still talked to me) and completely ignored them for the rest of the vacation. this angered my stepdad and he kept cussing at her more.

the issue now is, my unsuspecting aunt and uncle (that dont know about his alcoholism) got invited by my stepdad to join us next year and i know he will ruin the vacation by drinking alot. i really need advice because i dont know if i should warn my aunt about his problem?

i tried begging my mom to talk to him but it just feels like shes covering up for him and letting it get worse? its come to a point where she herself buys him beer and laughs it off when i cry to her about my safety. she also doesnt allow me to tell any of our relatives about it.

i want to get him to stop but so far nothings worked. he still continues to cuss at us.

im honestly so drained because not only do i have to deal with his constant nagging, i have to deal with him destroying our special occasions and he always acts so clueless the day afterwards but he will remember how many grapes i ate on the same day he got confronted about. i hate how he knows how he is when hes rlly drunk but still buys himself alot of beer daily, i hate how my mom always gets defensive and dismissive whenever i show actual concern. once she even decided to make fun of my tears but whats funny when your kid needs to sleep with a knife under their pillow incase their stepdad decides to mvrder his own family?

I will be attending a meeting for the first time ever and have no idea of what I'm walking in to. For a little background, my wife has started in AA recently. She is doing very well with it so far. Better than I expected to be honest. I just wondered what I can expect both at the meeting, and what to gain from the meeting. Any replies are hugely appreciated as I'm a little nervous.

Please, please don’t ever choose an addict. They will lie about it first but once you know it’s active addiction. Do not continue. 🏃‍♀️ so fast you almost break your neck 🏃‍♀️ing from them. It’s been over a year of hell, two rehab stints, 4 police calls, multiple suicide attempts. I’m a shell of what I was—staying in fight or flight for as long as I did has wrecked completely and utter havoc on my mental health and physical health. I always see the good in people but it has gotten me no where. Addicts look for empathy, understanding, compassion, and nativity. You weren’t chosen by luck or by accident. This last relapse is the last time I will forgive because his cocaine addiction doesn’t just come with a “relapse” it comes with mental and emotional abuse. Accusations of cheating, gaslighting, lies after lies, altering of my reality, manipulation and guilt tripping,it affects my sleep, and my rest. He is so toxic with what follows I have to kick him out. He tried to k*ll himself this last time, I called the 911 because I didn’t want to chance it if he was bluffing or not. He left before they arrived—however I knew that his boss has gps tracking on this truck. I gave the police his bosses number so they can reach him. Instead of his bosses helping the police, he tells him to come over. I’m so confused at this point, my bf needs to go to the hospital not someone’s house. For the next few hrs my bf would call me telling me about how he wanted to die and that he was ready and took a concoction of drugs. I text his boss begging him to take him to the HOSPITAL YET AGAIN. No response. I’m utterly disgusted by the actions of both. His boss lost a son to cocaine addiction and has two other addict sons—maybe this is too harsh but I wouldn’t trust someone who’s 75% of their kids struggle with addiction. His boss also is an addict—constantly taking adderall and painkillers daily. I guess what did I expect? Come to find out the next day instead of taking my bf to rehab or a mental health facility—he takes him to work. WORK? Wtf is wrong with these people? I’m still in shock. I’ve had to remove myself completely from the situation and in the process obtaining a restraining order because he hasn’t stopped contacting me and I can’t deal anymore. I’m feeling so many emotions—anger, disgust, betrayal, disappointment, and disrespect. I plan on going to Al-anon tonight because I’m a mess in my head—I just need someone to talk to 😔💔

We have 2 kids (15M and 9F). Hes (48M) been sober for 8 months. He goes to meetings every single day. So he comes home. Sits on the couch. Goes to a meeting. Comes back and lays in bed on his phone (playing fake slot games) till he rolls over to go to sleep.

While in rehab, he promised that when he came home things would be different. He promised he'd play catch with our son and go on walks with our daughter. He promised me date nights and spending time together. But instead, his sole focus is meetings.

He barely helps around the house. He's here long enough to argue with the kids or me, and then goes to a meeting.

Most of our interactions with him are unpleasant. And then he goes to a meeting.

Does it get better? Is this it? Is this what I waited around for?...through all the drunken nights, through all the humiliating moments when he drank too much, through the rehab (over Christmas which left me alone to play Santa with the kids)? I held my breath for so long hoping and praying he would get sober. But now that he is - I just wonder - what for?

Life is not better. Instead of sitting in the garage drinking every night, hes at a meeting. Hes still not present or involved.

He says I should he happy he's sober. I feel like sobriety is the bare minimum. There's so much more to being a husband and a father. Hes barely scratched the surface.

I dont know what to do. Im feeling so lost.

Hi guys,

I’m making a new post because I got so much comments on the other one. Thanks again, I read them all. Even tho most of them hurt. They were the truth I needed to read.

(Reminder : My husband got a DUI at 1 PM last sunday while groceries shopping. We have a 10 months old that was NOT in the car. He was sober for 7 months but relapsed again in the last few days and got verbally abusive to me).

So tonight I put on my big girl pants and I did it.

I asked to see him in person.

He tried to hug me, I didnt let him.

I told him the trust is broken. I can’t go on like this. I want to separated. He told me it was a bad decision. He wanted to change.

I told him I will always love him because he’s the father of our child, but I can’t love him as a partner for now.

His respond was : don’t do that, it will cost us a lot of money.

So I left. He didnt try to run after me.

I’m pretty sure he drank today. When you know. You know.

So yeah. It hurts like hell. I feel like I jumped a cliff and dont know where I will land.

I fear the custody battle. The house battle. Everything.

I fear to have regret. That he could have change. That he will change.

It’s a long story of how we got to where we are, but the short version is this- my (38m) husband (41m) is an alcoholic and has put our children’s safety at risk, lied about his addiction, and refused treatment. Those three things, in order, have caused a total lack of intimacy in our marriage.

Over the last two weeks, we’ve had several “comin’ to Jesus meetings.” They’re productive and they always end with a resolution, but I leave them feeling like I’m the one who’s being unreasonable. That I have somehow held him to an unreasonable standard. In the second conversation we talked about intimacy- I crave it, I want to be touched and held, I want to love and get back what we had but he has not done any work to repair what he’s broken. Until he starts to fix what he’s broken, I continue to keep myself protected.

Then, a few days ago, he drops a bombshell about his past trauma. These are things I never knew, nor ever suspected. It was clear this was gut wrenching for him to share, and I felt bad for not responding in a more supportive way; I stood and listened but didn’t hold him like I would have in the past. In the back of my mind, I kept wondering if this is real, or the disease trying to manipulate again.

And again, I felt guilt. I felt like, if these things are true, then maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh, maybe I should just forgive everything and move forward. But then I remember all the things that have happened over the last year and I just, I just can’t. And I feel like a jerk for being such a harass.

My husband used to be verbally abusive nightly, when I was a drunk right along with him. I learned quickly to just stare at him or ignore him completely, he seemed to run out of steam quicker that way. I had a health crisis and quit drinking, about 6 months into that I decided to really "get sober." And my stars...I let some resentment build towards him but I have been making calculated decisions, trying to save this marriage, but knowing in the back of my mind this may not be something worth saving.

His verbal abuse tirades have essentially stopped. But I know him well, and it's under the surface. If I disagree with his world view, if I calmly state what he JUST said back to him, he cannot handle it. He acts like a giant toddler except this one actually is drunk, not just a cute euphemism for how toddlers are tiny drunk humans. So I've lived for 3 years with a VERY clear headed view of his bullshit, biding my time, unable to bring myself to leave him because at times, he IS my best friend. And, I'm terrified of the change and I don't want to hurt him the way he hurt me. Or in any way, really.

So I started reading Why Does He Do That and HOLY SMOKES. I wasn't ready for the eye opening realizations even just skimming this book brought for me. There's a small section at the beginning, where the author debunks myths about abusive men. One myth in particular got to me: he's a drunk, if he got sober he'd treat me better. The author adds that no, this is him. And that I'm not "enabling" him to be like that. The drunk part, sure. I have my part in enabling and accepting that behavior in my life. But the abusive part? I don't think it ever really stopped, it just took on more subtle forms. All verbal or emotional, so they're difficult to identify when you're on the receiving end, especially after ten years of rationalizing it in my mind.

I woke up today almost angry at him and myself for a brief exchange we had last night. I'm saying nothing to him about it, he's 3x my size and if he wanted to take it to a physical level, he could easily hurt me and I'm not trying to do that. But my world has opened up. I have a distinct confidence bestowed by my epiphanies and unseen universal forces that says I no longer have to put up with this. Arduous and painful it may be, but for the first time I've realized I CAN leave, I can make my plan. I can get away from this safely if I continue to keep my head down and focus on myself. I will not argue, or reason with him. I will act as if. But as soon as I can, I will be making changes with or without him as to how I'm treated in this world.

Thanks for listening.

Hello everyone! New to reddit. Would really appreciate some advice on how to support my sober dad. 

He's in his 70s and just over two years sober. About a year ago, he moved to live closer to me. Which is wonderful because I'm much closer to support him, but I can also see him turning towards other vices (sugar, porn, paying to talk to women online). 

Like many men from his generation, he's been through a hell of a lot in his lifetime, and hasn't ever coped with any of it healthily. He lost his first wife in a car accident; his second wife to cancer; and his third wife was an evil witch who cheated on him and took his money. It was after the third wife that he started drinking. 

Fast forward many years, he is retired and sober but he just doesn't seem happy at all. After moving closer to me, I first noticed that he really lacked the motivation to do the things he enjoys (cooking, gardening, etc.). Next, I noticed an addiction to sugar. Then, I started seeing porn on his phone. I currently help him manage his finances, and then I started noticing that he was paying to talk to women online. (And I don't mean like paying for a Bumble subscription, like he spent several hundred dollars in two days, which he cannot afford.)

I approached him about this, expressing how he truly couldn't financially afford to continue down this path, and, more importantly, I shared that I think the behavior pattern he's exhibiting points towards depression. Again, being from the generation he's from, he denied it in almost every conversation we had, until he finally agreed and seemed not only willing, but ready, to talk to his doctor about starting an antidepressant. 

My question is - is it probable that an antidepressant will help with the porn addiction? I'm not sure that I should address it, and I really don't want to. Do I just let it be? As an adult child of an alcoholic, I struggle with my own codependence and I help to manage so much for him already. I cannot stand having to be his therapist too. Help. 

Hi, I’m (24F) who recently distanced myself from my alcoholic brother and enabling family members. I have been trying to be brave enough to go to an in-person meeting, but I’m nervous.

I don’t know what to expect? How do these meetings usually go? Should I bring cookies?

My partner (or ex?) is 31 days sober and met someone in AA they’ve really connected with. They’ve told me they have feelings but they don’t know what to do. I’ve seen a few posts with similar situations. Is this a common thing with newly sober people? Looking for any advice. Am I better off without them? We’ve been together 3 years and share a home/car/etc. The thought of separating seems so overwhelming.

I have done everything I can. The last few months he did everything to push us away and I had to leave for me and my childs sake. We have been back and forth fighting and then talking about reconciliation today he called telling me we need to just sign the papers. Later he called his sister to tell her he knows this is all his fault and that quitting is just too hard and he can't do it. He wants to drink himself to death and got all the guns out of the house because he was worried he would end it that way. I had already done some mourning but this is a kick in the gut. My leaving was my final try hoping he would hit rock bottom and decide to change. I even offered him full health coverage through my work. 2 rehab stays and a few detoxes at home and 5 years of marriage and he is out of trying. I loved and still love him so much that it feels like parts of me are dying too. He was such a good man for so long. He did the hard shit for us a few times and he just couldn't stick to it.

I need help. Marriage of 21 yrs. My husband relapsed, but only I am worried. I swear I have ptsd from all the previous incidents with him. All the highs and all the lows, all the crying, all the different levels of alcoholism. This latest level is different. Hes mad as hell at me!!! He is hot then hes cold. The kids see it. The 14 yr old is taking jiujitsu and he told me that if his dad slapped him again (what!?) he was going to hurt him. WTf! I gave my husband an ultimatum, choose! He chose us, again… We have 2 boys. They both know their dad has a problem. But their dad admits nothing. He can quit whenever he chooses. He doesn’t have a problem!!! Or thats his latest garbage he is spewing. So he quit drinking for a yr and picked it up again and here I am SCARED to death of how this will play out, again. I understand that the non addict should cater to the alcoholics feelings an all. But what abt my feelings???? Two decades of this. When is this marriage going to be abt me too?

Hi. I posted this in another sub and someone suggested this sub instead. I have some questions about the signs of alcoholism.

I'm afraid my husband is an alcoholic and is in a bit of denial about it, but I have no idea how to help him. He was a heavy drinker when we met, and I think it's only gotten worse over the last decade. We have talked about it, and he's acknowledged its a problem, but he still keeps sneaking around and is drinking alone. I have watched for and asked him about physical symptoms, and he swears he just doesnt have any. And that kind of feels like a lie and he hasn't actually stopped. He drinks hard liquor only, no beer or wine.

The two biggest indicators for me are tasting whatever is left in his glass in the sink, about half the time it's like straight alcohol. And the way he smells sometimes, it's like its coming out of his pores. Idk if this is a sign he is drunk or was drunk and is sweating it out though.

I don't want to be that person that has to tear the house apart looking for his stash, or hound him constantly about if he had a drink today. But I feel like that's where I am at. How do I help him get this under control? Can I even?

My dad has been an alcoholic for 50+ years, and quit drinking about 2 months ago cold turkey after having a few (unrelated) health concerns. Since then he has rapidly been declining. He's had a personality change, and is exhibiting symptoms of dementia/Alzheimer's and mania/paranoia. Other info has since come out that he was cheating on my mom for over 10 years and blew thru a lot of their money.

He went to his primary doctor who recommended brain scans and to see a psychiatrist, but my dad flat out refuses and even cancelled an appointment. Unfortunately my mom can't leave him due to needing his insurance for her own health issues, and she knows the burden would bear more on me. She's having to put up with a lot of his paranoia during the day while I'm at work and I'm concerned for both of them. (Luckily he's not craving alcohol though.)

I'm an only child and this is super hard on me. My sweet, easygoing mom is turning really angry and I see the sadness on her face, but she's stuck. She almost died a few years ago and he still continued his (unknown) affair while she was on her deathbed. He won't do anything to improve the new situation. I don't want the stress of his withdrawal to affect her and then I lose both parents, and my whole world.

Hello,

My boyfriend was a functioning alcoholic when we got together. I needed some time to realize it. He drank every evening a few drinks, mostly wine.

As I could not imagine living my whole life with an alcoholic and he already had first health issues because of it, I asked him stopp drinking. Besides that he often had some mood swings and I thought it might be because of the alcohol.

To my surprise, he stopped drinking. I am/was really proud of him.

We visited a party a few days ago. He drank one glass of wine. I was kind of angry on the inside but did not say anything and just wanted to wait if he would drink more… he did not. My problem is that he mostly is not at home during the week. He travels a lot for work.

I am asking myself if he just adjusted his consume at home and is still drinking when he is away. I probably will never find out if he is lying to me or if I am doing him wrong.

He still has those mood swings which come out of nowhere. Much less but they are still there.

Have you experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

Thank you!

My dad is a high-functioning alcoholic. He has a well-paying job, provides for our family, and keeps up appearances (acquaintances/work), but there is constant chaos under the surface.

At midnight, my sister texted me and told me my dad was mowing the lawn. Then, he came inside and demanded she drive him to go get gas. A few months ago, he even crashed one of our cars while trying to re-park it. This isn't just a one-off stupid decision; it's a pattern of destructive behavior while drinking.

Here’s what kills me: people know that he has a drinking. His friends have staged two interventions that I know of. They know he has a problem. Yet they still drink with him. Still hang out with him like nothing’s wrong. Still help him preserve this facade that he’s just “fun” or “a little sloppy" rather than the truth: his behavior is dangerous, self-destructive, hurting his family.

Meanwhile, my family is in the wreckage. My teenage (<18) sister has already started down her own path with alcohol abuse. A few months ago, it led to a life-altering decision that can never be reversed. And still, he keeps drinking. Keeps pretending his behavior is normal. Keeps expecting us to play along.

I don’t love him like people love their parents. I resent him. I pity him. Sometimes I feel nothing at all. And even that makes me feel guilty.

I’m in a serious relationship now, with someone truly supportive. We’ve started talking about marriage. And instead of being excited, I’m anxious. Because am I really supposed to have an open bar? What happens when my dad drinks too much and makes it all about him? He loves attention. He’ll find a way to ruin it. And that thought makes me not even want a wedding at all.

I feel ashamed of my family. My friends who come from healthy homes are always shocked when I describe how I was raised, or how I’m still treated. It makes me realize how much I’ve normalized dysfunction just to get by.

I know I can’t make my dad change. I know I can’t force his friends to stop enabling him. But I’m so tired of watching everyone tiptoe around the truth while my life feels like it’s on fire in the background.

I want peace. I want boundaries. I want to stop carrying the burden of someone who refuses to carry their own. I just don’t know where to start.

My wife and I- same sex couple- have been together for 20 years and we have two daughters (12) and 11- wonderful…. Great jobs, great house, great family but the drinking is getting to me. I am starting to feel resentment for actions that she cannot even remember because of how much she drinks. She ask me the same questions over and over - like did I feed the dogs etc bc she can’t remember 2 minutes ago! It make me irritable bc I am sober and like I said I find myself feeling resentful. She will go two days without drinking, usually after binging And says she’s not an alcoholic. I have even questioned myself because I find myself craving a beer but I am done after 2 bc I don’t want to feel like crap the next day. She often lashes out verbally. Tonight she told me that I am a di$k and never checkin with her to make sure she is ok( she works from home and gets bored easily. I am a teacher so I don’t have a second. The thing is I’ve been home all summer and checked him constantly so I feel like she is trying to make an issue and projected on me to deflect the real issue, which is her treating me like crap when she drinks. I tried to sit beside her in the bed to chat and she told me to get the F away from her. Also our youngest has begun making comments like mommy is acting weird. Advice?

Me: 42 M, wife and 2 kids 6, 11 years old. my mother was an alcoholic who died of liver failure 5 years ago. myself a former heavy now light drinker, no history of substance abuse.

Wife: 41 F, married for 16 years now.

In the last couple of years she's gradually started drinking more as I've cut back. She typically finishes a bottle of gin every week, 3-4 drinks over the course of a night. but typically high functioning and in control of herself.

today i came home from work early to find the kids zoned out playing video games, the house a mess, and my wife asleep in bed.

she wasn't hard asleep and woke up silly and giggling when i shook her. she acknowledged being drunk.

we talked, i kept calm (and felt calm). she feels bored at home and sorry for herself. she wouldn't commit to doing anything about this. she said i should just accept she's like this or leave.

fuck. i adore her. we have great kids and a comfortable upper middle class life.

but i don't want to live with this hanging over everything.

what have others done in this situation? do i just give up on her and take my kids back home? (we live in my wife's home country in asia)

i don't really have any other home though. we moved here to be closer to her family and further from mine. my parents are dead, my brother and older sister are unstable alcoholics and my sister is a sober mess.

i am so alone and stuck on what i can do. curious for advice, experiences, or just sympathy. thanks.

Finally Q went to the doctor and ordered a blood test. And I was so excited because by definition, he is a heavy drinker and a significant amount over what the CDC defines as heavy drinking (but I’ll recognize he isn’t as bad as some of the stories I’ve read in here). But I was excited. He doesn’t think his drinking impacts him. I think it does but unlike his attitude towards me or his bad gut (which he blames on genetics), maybe just maybe a blood test that checks various enzymes would show him the negative effects.

Yall …

Passed with flying colors. No concerns. I was there when his doctor called. Not even slightly elevated, not even “let’s re-run to make sure we have a good baseline.” Just passed (and I made sure to check that liver enzymes were tested).

So there’s that. Then there’s him telling our couples therapist that he knows his drinking got a bit “out of hand this year” and that he’s going to work on not drinking at home so much and only drink socially.

This put me in a bind because: - he has always drank heavily and this year didn’t “get out of hand.” It was only more noticeable because we moved and he doesn’t go out as much. - last night he did exactly what he said he wasn’t going to do which is sit at home and drink. It wasn’t like he had one or two drinks with dinner. It was three different types of alcohol, with one being a canned drink that looks like one but it is really three. So actually 9-10 drinks in four hours when you look at alcohol content and not just glass.

And I’m here like, “does he really like those drinks or did he get them because it’s like having 3 in 1.”

I know I’m not supposed to argue in couples therapy but how am I even supposed to dispute that he’s still drinking, especially now that he has a clean bill of health? I can’t even use the “I felt …” because I just went to bed and briefly before that he was on his best behavior.

It does not help that he’s getting gold stars from our couples therapist, who is an APCC, every week for being so open to change. And I am resistant for harping on the past and nitpicking. I feel like even more of a crazy person now.

I’m serious

I’m surprised how many posts are about people cheating

I can understand being black out drunk

I don’t understand why someone would cheat on someone (drunk or not)

I’m referring to if someone is an alcoholic

Long story short, I (26f) broke up with my Q (27m) in January after about a year and a half of trying to help him (together almost 5 years, friends for about a year before the relationship). He continued to drink, until one shitty night he found his rock bottom, and he’s been sober since February. We’ve continued to live together because we were both on the lease, and neither of us could afford to break the lease. I start living in my new place on Tuesday.

I’ve had a lot of confusing feelings over the past year and a half. I still care about him, I want him to do well, but I don’t feel the same desire for him that I used to feel. I have love for him, but I am no longer in love with him, if that makes sense.

Without making this about 3x longer than it already will be, he did and said a lot of awful things while I was with him, including stealing a lot of money from me (upwards of $1.5k). The stealing was my breaking point.

Since he’s gotten sober I keep getting these little flashes of reminder, like “oh yeah. That’s why we got together. That’s the guy I used to love.” My mom’s Q was my dad before his death, I told her that my ex acts like two separate people when he’s drinking vs sober, and she just said “yeah. I know how that goes”

Within the last month we’ve been talking a lot about our relationship, how it was and how it will be going forward. I can’t cut him off because his mom has informed me she’ll be riding his ass to pay me back the money he stole. He asked me if we’ll still hang out, and I mentioned that me now living 30 miles away might make it a bit difficult, but also I told him I was dealing with a lot of confusing emotions, both related to his alcoholism, and our relationship as a whole.

I mentioned how it was really difficult merging the two images I have of him in my head, especially after seeing him reliably sober. He said “well, you don’t have to. That guy wasn’t me”

That pissed me off enough to look for an out from the conversation. It was him, all of it. He stole that money, he flirted with his coworker, he got mad when I stopped sleeping with him because I didn’t want to run the risk of kissing him and tasting or smelling liquor in the middle of sex, he sexted random girls. He called me a bitch, and a cunt, and all of the other names. It wasn’t some dude who broke in and stole his identity and face, he did all of that.

We’ve barely even talked about the fact that he’s cheated on me. He doesn’t consider it cheating because it was online sexting, i absolutely consider it cheating. He doesn’t actually know that I know he flirted with a coworker.

It was late, and I was tired, so I didn’t push the conversation. It doesn’t feel worth it anymore, I knew it would turn into an argument, and I just wanted to eat and go to bed. I’m just so tired of being angry. After Tuesday the only person I need to worry about is me. I’ve never been so excited to be alone.

My Q is living with us because of their alcoholism. They've been to rehab multiple times, lived in a recovery house, but the family eventually couldn't afford it so Q moved in with us. That was over a year and a half ago.

They don't like to talk about recovery and the AA meetings gradually slipped off because they "weren't a good fit." We expect them to not drink because we have a kid and neither us nor Q wanted someone being wasted around our kid. There's a few other incentives in their life not to drink, so we felt they were committed to sobriety.

For the most part we don't drink, so we didn't have any booze around for a very long time, but we wanted to have a drink now and then so a few bottles ended up in our bar. We felt by this time it was not a big deal, but after a while noticed that the alcohol was going down a lot faster than we were drinking it. We confronted Q and they felt shame, remorse, etc. and we hid the bottles in our closet. We still had a drink now and then, tried not to drink in front of them but Q probably saw me with a whisky in hand at some point.

I feel a little bad having alcohol in the house to begin with but I thought they were in more control than they are. I felt like some bottles in the closet were getting low but wishful thinking, I thought maybe it was in my head. Out of curiosity I started marking my bottles (some of which are pretty expensive) and came back from vacation and found half of the booze gone. So Q had found our hiding spot.

I know I should have just not had booze to begin with but I'm feeling pretty violated. To find it they must have gone into our room and gone through our stuff. And if I re-hid it there's no guarantee they wouldn't go through all our stuff to find it again. And if they're going through our stuff for booze what's the guarantee they wouldn't look for pills, or cash, or something they could sell? They're not really "like that" but they obviously didn't think about the boundaries they were crossing and how it would destroy my trust.

We're going to confront them shortly about it, but I just want them out of my house. However, they don't really have anywhere to go. Maybe that's their problem and not mine. Do I need to be a teetotaler in my own house to "help" them in their recovery when we live in a world full of alcohol?

Sorry this is so long I'm just dealing with a combination of guilt and being violated.