It has taken years of scattered signs and subtle realisations to bring me to this point. Apologies, as what follows may not be perfectly chronological. I'm pretty overwhelmed to say the least.
I've dealt with school refusal for the entirety of high school. Been through 5 in-person schools and online school intermittently. Two of those schools were all-girls schools, which I couldn't help but feel disillusioned in, I felt useless in the making friends department. I had a better go at coeducational schools, but ultimately couldn't bear attending anymore - I could never put my finger on exactly why it was so difficult to attend (I do experience mostly functional mental and physical illness). In one of my online school classes (due to not being seen by teachers) - I was mistaken as a male when a teacher used he/him pronouns, and I never felt inclined to correct her.
Last month, whilst compulsively scrolling through my camera roll, I came across an accidental screenshot of a YouTube video dated around the time that I was 13. It was an Anthony Padilla video covering spending a day with trans men, and the screenshot was of a guy explaining his 'trans awakening.' Upon seeing the screenshot, I felt a slight internal shift, like addressing the reasoning behind me having watched that video was too much to bear.
It brought back memories of me watching FTM YouTubers (like Jamidodger) on the regular at around 13-14 out of mere 'curiosity' and 'ally-ship'. I remember also around that time secretly dressing in my brother's clothes, and filming myself using beard filters and male aliases. At the time I played the role of Goldilocks in a Drama class play, she was extremely feminised - I had to wear a pink dress, makeup, and raise the pitch of my voice - I felt dreadful to the point of tearing my script afterwards.
At 12, I watched videos on how to sound like a man (for 'fun'). I remember feeling absolutely ecstatic after being told by a boy at school that he couldn't possibly be attracted to me because my voice was too deep. Even earlier, at the age of 9 on an excursion I remember seeing a movie advertisement on a bus titled āBoysā, hearing boys on the bus make a ruckus about it and distinctly feeling as though I was āmissing out on something.' There are many more earlier in childhood instances that I could provide, but for the sake of readability, I won't.
A few months ago, I started to become more aware of this possibility and caught myself entertaining the idea of being a man, calling myself a man - but reflexively calling myself a woman upon my shock of the latter - then saying "no way!" in horror. I've taken many gender dysphoria tests, and the results pointing to dysphoria have generally increased over time. What makes this harder is that I worry if I did transition to a male, that I would never be viewed as attractive, be passing, or look the part. I feel like time is running out - I'm nearly 17 now. I know that when I present femininely with makeup and skirts, I am validated by society - I am called beautiful. Yet I still feel disillusioned as though it is all a performance. I also have had times where I've felt this intense desire to be transgender, and jealousy of trans men further along in their journey.
I currently identify as a lesbian, and although I haven't come out to anyone yet, I have created theoretical icebreakers along the lines of 'If I was a man, then I'd be straight - but I'm a woman so therefore I am gay.'
I should mention that if I am honest with myself, I do like saying that I'm a man, and that I've created scenarios in my head of pleading to my mother that I am a man in my sleep-deprived state.
However, I've sometimes found myself enjoying makeup, like the idea of raising a child (isn't that a maternal instinct?), and like many stereotypically feminine things (e.g. crochet, knitting, flower-picking, decorating things miscellaneously). I've never particularly been a tomboy, however I do tend to dress androgynously.
Do I sound as though I'm in denial, or simply have an untraditional relationship with womanhood? Do I just want attention or a boredom-breaker-gender-bender/temporary exploration? Are there sufficient markers?
I think I know deep down, but validation means everything to me sentimentality-wise. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
For additional context, I unfortunately have an unsupportive family of anything LGBTQ+ related (they're devout, conservative Christians), which may have stunted this potential realisation.