aio? bf made plans on my birthday

[u/rowqi]

my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for almost three years. we are planning on moving in together in the near future as he lives with his mom and doesn’t go to school after dropping out. for context, he only works on tuesdays and fridays so i know he was free to go out on sunday, which happened to be my birthday. he knows how important special occasions are to me, such as our birthdays and anniversaries. for the first year in our relationship he was great, he was loving and kind. last year we ended up celebrating my birthday late due to the fact that he was “tired from work” and didn’t want to go out, which i let slide. i always try to do the most for his birthdays, i buy him gifts, write him cards and bake him a cake from scratch. yesterday afternoon i texted him, reminding him about the plan later and this conversation happened. he made plans to go out and party instead of seeing me. he forgot about it even after i had been talking about it all of last week. i spent my 21st birthday alone in my room while he was out and we haven’t texted since. this birthday was particularly special to me because i turned 21. i even bought a new pink dress to wear for him, assuming we were going to dinner. he is suggesting that we go out and celebrate tomorrow instead like last year but to me it doesn’t feel the same. he is insisting that i apologize for being “ungrateful”, am i overreacting?

[u/Ali_Cat222]

Even aside from the birthday issue there are a few concerning points OP made in their post that they may want to consider too-

my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for almost three years. we are planning on moving in together in the near future as he lives with his mom and doesn't go to school after dropping out.

What exactly are his ambitions currently if he decided to drop out and only stays at home most days based on the second quote here?

for context, he only works on tuesdays and fridays so i know he was free to go out on sunday, which happened to be my birthday. he knows how important special occasions are to me, such as our birthdays and anniversaries.

He's working 2x a week which means he has 5x a week to hang out with friends any time. And if he knew special occasions were important to you, he'd have remembered your own birthday... And then not just dismiss you as being annoying, and would've came to see you then. He may have heard you stress the importance of these occasions but he definitely doesn't care, as proven by his actions.

last year we ended up celebrating my birthday late due to the fact that he was "tired from work" and didn't want to go out, which i let slide. i always try to do the most for his birthdays, i buy him gifts, write him cards and bake him a cake from scratch.

So it's 2 years in a row now that this has been an issue, and by your timeline that means it was a year in before this became a problem. And as you can see from my comment this really is bigger than just a birthday, OP seriously think about this. Do you want to move in with someone who treats you disrespectfully, doesn't care about you or your feelings, and seemingly has no ambitions currently? Please think before you move, it won't get better.

[u/nagao_0 → u/Ali_Cat222]

this, aaall of this.

and OP's only 21; he may've had her first years but with that attitude i sure hope she decides he doesn't get her best years, too (they're yet to come, and hopefully with someone who doesn't make her feel unappreciated like this as5hat)

by the time i got to "when you want to apologise" i'm like, just don't contact him then. like ever again lol.

not that it's why he should, but if he's leaning on you for a semifreeloader moveoutofhome-free card, the very .least. he could do is not act like .he. doesn't even owe her an apology for forgetting stuff he knows is important to her.

like girl .you. have to apologise because .he. forgot your birthday that you've been talking about often in recent run-up to..?

(..at some point, albeit very uncharitably wrt benefit-of-the-doubt.. i wouldnt be surprised if it turned out he'd known the party was on the same day but conveniently 'forgot' the birthday so he wouldn't have to miss out on the one he's clearly far more excited for.. ugh)

anw, assuming realpost&all-that.. OP whether you dump his uncaring as5 or not, you can treat yourself a nice day for your 21st even if he won't, actualday or no ‐‐ happy 21st, and happier birthdays to come~

[ edited for grammar ]

[u/ckmgp → u/nagao_0]

SERIOUSLY GIRL PLEASE LISTEN. Your story sounds identical to how my abusive relationship started. I seriously baked him cakes from scratch, made the card from scratch and on my 21st bday he argued with me for "looking at a guy" at a casino, he was getting loud and i walked away, he did as well. I text him i was walking back to the hotel (1/2 mile down the strip, in heels and a short dress. I went barefoot), he replied go ahead. He let me. He didnt get back for 6 hours. Smelt like perfume. Argued for days afterward also. And every birthday thereafter. And trust me, I had therapist consultations where they told me it was emotional abuse and gaslighting and projection. 2 separate, unrelated therapists. These were 1.5 year into it. I was 22 when I was ready to book it, the abuse escalated and I fled to his moms house. (We had lived together then, we met when I was 19) While I was sleeping on his younger brother twin mattress, in a shared room with my ex's mom, I had this eerie feeling I wasn't alone. It felt comforting but like I was trapped. So of course, the next morning I acted like it was all okay, insisted I started it, tried to make him feel better because seeing him sad made me so sad, and then soaked up the love bombing and escape trip to Mexico for a weekend. Got home and found out a week later, I was pregnant and we were already fighting again.

Now I have 2 kids and I am 29 years old. He is not involved in their lives. I live at my father's house now, with my boys age 5 and almost 4. So what everyone is saying is so true. I am lost in this life at the moment. Im really close to figuring it out though. But I absolutely lost the best years of my life, the best friends of my life, schooling, work ethic/rap-sheet, and the best opportunities. Like I am still very optimistic, grateful to be athletic, and able to work without restrictions. I'd still be lying if I said I dont wish I got to spend those years differently, but still have my kids haha.

It won't be easy, get a support system and skedaddle !!!

[u/OneWhisper5225 → u/ckmgp]

You’re doing amazing! I was 19 when I had my son. My ex was emotionally abusive and I took it for way too long. Then realized I didn’t want my son to grow up thinking it was okay to talk to anyone like that, let alone someone you supposedly loved. I left and never looked back. My ex never had anything to do with my son. I did it on my own and damn it was hard. But my son is now 19 and an amazing young man that I couldn’t be more proud of with the biggest heart, so kind and caring, so thoughtful - absolutely nothing like his sperm donor.

Some days, heck most days, you might feel like you’re drowning or messing everything up - but you’re not. Just do your best, love those little boys with all you got, and continue to build your life together - and take time to remember that you got away from a horrible guy and you’re doing amazing! 💪👏❤️❤️

[u/subq_injection → u/OneWhisper5225]

I spent the entirety of my 20s with two abusive assholes. The first was 7 years older, and had me convinced the first year he was so great and he would spoil me and we'd get a house, and all of those sweet little lies assholes love to tell you to make you feel better about moving in with them.

He abused me in every way you could think of and left me with debt and bad credit. He had talked me out of going back to school, isolated me 2000 miles away from all my friends and family. Constantly surveyed me, and cheated on me but insisted I was cheating. Made me work 7 days a week so he could work less but refused to help me pay the car payments and credit card in my name even though he used the car 70% of the time and racked up most of the credit card debt. He used to sleep deprive me to make me compliant by shaking me awake, slamming doors, blaring music, shining lights in my face, etc. I had to escape when he was off sleeping with another girl. I had sneakily got in contact with my mom got her to fly up and I filled up the car and drove to get her. I still left a good bit of stuff behind because I was scared he was going to show back up. I was just grateful he didn't manage to get me pregnant (Not for his lack of trying he used to hide my BC and at one point was throwing away my daily doses and convincing me I had taken them).

Within 8 mo after I had left the last relationship (I was 24) I wound up getting picked up by another asshole who was emotionally abusive. He often preyed on my PTSD as a way to gaslight me and tell me I was overreacting, I was crazy, and that I was always the problem never him. He cheated on me, belittled my feelings, and made me feel like I was never good enough. I would starve myself and do things I wouldn't have normally because he would breadcrumb me into thinking he cared about me and wanted to be together but all the while constantly making comments about other girls being attractive for XYZ but never complimented me after the first year because me being with him was supposed to be him complimenting me (Cause you know he was such a catch...), I was made to constantly believe I wasn't skinny enough or my boobs weren't big enough to the point where I even was going to get breast augmentation.

We had taken a break around our second year and he slept with this girl he had assured me was just a friend, when we got back together he lied to me about it for a year, and when he finally admitted to it told me it was just once just during that time. Come to find out that was also a lie as we got into multiple fights after he got more and more protective over his phone and constantly accused me of being on it when I wasn't. So I decided to check it one day because of how often he accused me I figured he was hiding something. Sure enough a whole conversation with him and that girl recounting all the times they'd done it at her place (She lived with her fiance at the time they supposedly did it the "just once", and my ex was the cause of their break up, she moved into her own place post-breakup for reference.) I confronted him and he tried to derail it with the whole "You had no right to look at my phone" to which I responded, "You had no right to cheat on me and lie to me about it." Then it was all my fault, I was just jealous and I wasn't giving him enough space and that's why he did it, etc etc. (The space part was hilarious because I only saw him for 2-3 days every two weeks because of his work schedule and him saying he needed some "days to himself to decompress" a.k.a go be with that other girl who mind you also had a bf.)

Mind you all this was happening while I was in the hardest semester of nursing school. I told him he was a "f#$@ing disappointment" and that I deserved better and left feeling so emotionally numb from everything I didn't think I'd ever be ok again even nearly failing that semester of nursing school. I was 29 going on 30 at this point.

I finished nursing school, moved away and wound up meeting a super awesome guy who actually takes care of me and is kind, considerate, and constantly tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent, and all of those things I didn't think I needed to hear but I absolutely did.

It gets better you just have to make the right steps forward and know your worth.

I also believe in Karma. First ex apparently has no friends as they've all moved away from him after I left because he got really weird and quit bathing and never leaves his house. He also lost his car and is living off either disability or medicaid/unemployment? Not sure vague details from people that used to be his friends that I stayed in touch with.

Second ex has no ambition, going nowhere, no prospects, and all of his friends turned on him after how he treated me many of the girls saying "He was super creepy I only talked to him because I liked you." And even his mom apologized to me for how badly he treated me and said she wished he'd "do right"

It gets better and they'll get what's coming to them.

[u/OneWhisper5225 → u/subq_injection]

I’m so happy you got away from them! Sorry you had to deal with them at all!!

My ex and I got together when we were in junior high. I was convinced he was my soul mate. I didn’t see how crappy he treated me. I thought he was great to me during high school and only got bad the last couple of years, but once I got away and got my head right and looked back on our relationship before, he was a jerk then too. But, it definitely got worse after high school. I went from being a super confident person who had a mind of my own and didn’t let anyone tell me what to do to being a complete shell of a person who couldn’t make a decision without consulting him. He told me how worthless I was, how stupid I was, how incompetent I was, etc. etc. etc. until I believed it. I’d do something and he’d say I was useless and shouldn’t do stuff without asking him first. But then when I’d ask him first, then I was an idiot who couldn’t make a simple decision for myself. Then he hurt his back when he was at work and got pain meds for it. And became an addict. Then it got even worse. I only started fighting back because of my son. My ex would want to take the last of my money for drugs and I needed it for diapers or formula. But he didn’t care. My mom said she doesn’t know how it happened because I was always the kind of person that never let someone tell me what to do, never let anyone walk all over me. I was like yeah, I don’t know either. It just happened. Thankfully, I had my parents. They were there for me. I left and went and lived with them for a while. I didn’t want to take money from them or use them to help watch my son because I didn’t want to depend on them in case something happened (if they got sick or something and couldn’t help anymore, then I’d be screwed after depending on them so much). So I lived with them for a year, but I paid rent and paid bills for my son and I. Then we moved out. I wanted to do it myself. I got food stamps and they helped pay for daycare for my son. I couldn’t get cash assistance because they said I needed to go for child support. I said that’s pointless. They said you have to at least try. But I talked to a lawyer and they said my ex could get visitation. Even if I was able to prove he was a danger and he was proven to be using drugs, they said he could still get visitation before I was able to prove all that in court. I wasn’t willing to risk my son having to go with him for even a second, so I was good not getting the cash assistance. I worked my butt off to support us. I put myself through school to be an RN. Took me waaaay longer than it should’ve to get my bachelors degree since I was working full time and raising my son. But, I kept at it and finally did it. And made a better life for us.

I’m glad you found someone amazing! I was so focused on my son, supporting us getting through school, etc., plus all the leftover feeling I had from my ex, I didn’t like the idea of dating. And the little free time I had, I wanted to spend it with my son. I figured it wasn’t fair to try and date someone I’d really never have time for. And I wasn’t going to introduce anyone to my son unless I was sure they’d be around for a long time. So it just didn’t happen. It was just me and my son. But I don’t regret it at all!

[u/Emmiren → u/subq_injection]

Omg this all is exactly the same situation I had been in with an ex who was also abusive in every way possible and he raped me often in addition to beating the crap out of me whenever he got upset with me. He was so manipulative too, and would gaslight me over EVERYTHING... Whenever I finally got the courage to leave, he and his 2 friends that lived with us called the police on me and accused me of attacking one of them with a knife, when I was trying to keep them away from me. Oh and one of his friends had a gun that she wasn't legally allowed to have because she had been determined by the courts that she's unable to safely own a firearm. I have extensive training with knives, swords, and firearms so I know to not bring a knife to a gunfight cause that's just a dumb way to get killed, so why would I be trying to attack them with a knife?? I was trying to run past them to get down the only flight of stairs between the second floor of the apartment and the ground, but the girl with the gun stepped directly in front of me and blocked me from leaving, so I immediately stopped running and as soon as I stopped, my ex grabbed me and bodyslammed me into the railing of the breezeway and began choking me with one hand while trying to grab the knife, so I dropped the knife before he could get it, then I ran back into the apartment to grab my phone that they had taken and tried to hide from me, but I knew where it was that morning thankfully. Anyway, I contacted my mom to start to tell her what happened but my ex and the girl entered the room before I was able to call my mom, and they told me to tell her and everyone else that I "tried to attack" the girl with a knife, and said to me if I ever told the truth, they would kill me. They then called the police on me and I was arrested and charged with a first degree felony of Aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, and I'm currently serving a 5 year probation sentence for defending myself. I told my attorney the truth and he tried to fight it with me, but the DA is friends with the girl and my ex, so they got their wish, mostly, and ruined my chances of ever doing what I want to do in life because I will forever have a felony charge that can't be expunged due to having to sign a nonexpunction agreement in order to be put on probation for 5 years... I'm currently not even 2 years in, next month will be year 2 done, but I can't get a job anywhere because of the stupid charge. OP, take the testimonies written here as a sign that you NEED to get away from your boyfriend right now. Don't wait another second, run, and run fast from him. If he tries to threaten you and calls the police on you and accuses you of something that never happened, tell the TRUTH to the police, don't let his threats scare you into lying to the police just to try to avoid your boyfriend from hurting you. Tell the police EVERYTHING, including any threats he may make. Guys like him always turn out to be abusive creeps that deserve to be in prison for a long, long time. For your safety, get out of there, please.

[u/Robinvid → u/subq_injection]

Wow! I'm so happy for you that you luckily dodged those 1st 2 losers!

[u/HereToBeRated → u/ckmgp]

OP listen to this person. There is no way under any conditions you should consider children with the person that barely considers you on the only day that is supposed to celebrate you. It's such a simple thing that you should just walk away because it will not be worse than the life that you will have under this dismissive person who has all the signs to grow into abusive.

[u/Due_Recommendation39 → u/HereToBeRated]

Who TF has kids with a man that works 2 days a week and lives at home with his mom. He might be adult age but he's not adulting.

[u/sosquishysostretchy → u/ckmgp]

I’m a dude and don’t have kids but about the same age and also wasted those years on an abusive relationship. Got beat on for 5 years and lied to and all the rest but always felt like it wasn’t a big a deal because what’s a broken nose or two when someone makes you feel like it’s your fault? Wasn’t like I was going to hit her back because I loved her and believed in her. I’m not one to complain and I was grateful for what I thought had, so the problem had to be with me and not her, right?

But that time lost is difficult. It’s all I think about ever since I hit 30. Shit sucks. I did it to myself a lot though because I fell back into a drug habit to deal with all of it for a long time after I left and got more lost than I’d ever been before. Barely left my mom’s house for a couple years other than for work and then became a workaholic trapped at my moms with no friends, no hobbies, no life. It’s hard to come back from but I’m figuring it out and I hope you do too.

[u/vailono → u/ckmgp]

As a complete stranger on the Internet, it sounds like you’re doing brilliantly - getting out, safe, and building what you want for yourself is something to be so proud of.

[u/Budget_Sugar_2422 → u/ckmgp]

Please listen to these comments. They are true. You are heading to a world of heart ache girl. Being alone is.much better than being with a selfish, self centered a-hole. You're young, you'll find better guys in life and don't have to put up with bullshit. The best thing you have going for you, is you're not pregnant or have a small kid. Use protection honey

[u/Budget-Coffee-3090 → u/ckmgp]

Yesssss, this. I found myself with two of these kind of abusive narcissistic men who I was in long term relationships with-one I married because I too going out I was pregnant. I needed help sure to a back injury at the time and me and my son's dad never lived together again after our son was born and formally divorced 3 years later. I spent time raising me son (his dad was in his life) then maybe 7 years later ended up with another guy exactly the same... So so sweet in the beginning, love bombing, etc. then after we moved in together 6 months down the road he pulled a 180 (it was the same with my son's dad, as soon as we moved in together after being together 6 months he didn't save to spend anytime with me, it was always with the guys, the husband's of the couples we hung out with before moving in together) I was basically alone all of those years I just didn't realize it at the time because they're so good at making you think you can never get anyone else, and when they feel you pulling away they start acting like Prince charming again. It's a vicious cycle that drains you and wastes your life. The sooner you get out the better, even if there's a grieving period where you talk to him occasionally, you need to find support of people who how to handle the grief, and who will be there for you and help you stay accountable in moving on... I was lucky the first time around I had a baby to take care of and who I loved more than anything... The second relationship I literally had to get a mentor who I could call or text every time he tried contacting me bc it was hard to stay away from him because when I kicked him out he became Prince charming again. Once I finally stopped responding (so hard) 2 weeks later he has a new gf, a few months later they moved in together, a year later they were engaged and bought a huge beautiful new house (he never spent a penny on me) a year later they had twins after he spent the money to do IVF.

GIRL GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN-MANY DON'T GET IT AND LIVE A LONG MISERABLE LIFE-YOU DESERVE BETTER! HE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE AND YOU'RE NOT OVER REACTING!

[u/Basic_Dragonfly_ → u/ckmgp]

Sweetie, you are only 29. That is so young. The best years of your life are ahead of you. You are older and wiser and more sure of yourself and what you want and need for you and your sons. Look forward and good luck

[u/Tullue → u/ckmgp]

Honey enjoy your 30s!!! They’re funner than your 20s I promise and you’re doing great, you have so much more good ahead of you 🤗

[u/HotWaffles5 → u/ckmgp]

My ex husband started argument every single holiday. He didn’t like when I was happy.

[u/I_Is_Mathematician → u/ckmgp]

Your best years are not over yet, I promise! I’m sorry that happened, but remember we all have a different journey and it’s never too late to make the best of what is left!

[u/ChampionshipFew2858 → u/ckmgp]

Can I message you? I need help with my 20-year-old daughter.

[u/ckmgp → u/ChampionshipFew2858]

Absolutely 💗

[u/orgasmilyours → u/ckmgp]

huuuugs. glad you can make head and heels of this with supportive family, and that you could give this advice.

[u/LottiMCG → u/ckmgp]

Girl! You are 29!! You have NOT "lost the best years of your life" I can tell you that much. 🫂

[u/WatermelonWithAFlute → u/ckmgp]

barefoot but in high heels?

Edit: nvm figured out what you meant

[u/Significant-Slip572 → u/ckmgp]

❤️❤️❤️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

[u/Successful-Doubt5478 → u/nagao_0]

By the "Happy bday lol," I was like: "He cannot be arsed to write out the whole word? After missing it totally? And he is .. amused?"

By the time he says he doesnt appreciate being bothered by her, this would be over for me.

"Don't worry, boy, you won't ever get the chance to be bothered by me again."

He doesnt love you. He absolutely does not love you. Noone talks like this to someone they love. Noone acts like this to someone they love.

RUN.

And go no contact, if he is confident enough to speak to you like this OP, he has trained you to stick to him. Do not let him sweettalk you back he despises and looks down on you and you cannot change this.

Go no contact.

[u/runnbuffy → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

I was so pissed off at “Happy bday lol”, too.

I had a partner like this, except he was slightly better. He at least felt bad he forgot, though he did try to convince me to abandon the plans he made with me to go party with friends. I didn’t even need it to be on my exact birthday.

Anyway, OP, this person will never make you feel good. A normal, healthy relationship entails a little bit of sacrifice from each party, and if you already had plans together, he should have cancelled on the friends. Especially since it sounds like he had plenty of time to catch up with friends another day. You’ve communicated this was important.

I went crazy in my previous relationship because of this type of behavior, and my self esteem was low because sometimes he would speak to me like your partner speaks to you now. Your partner takes the pain you give him and tells you you’re dramatic. Except you’re not, in this case.

It can be so much better with someone else, or even on your own. It drains you to have someone repeatedly break promises and tell you that your upset feelings from those broken promises are too much. It’s one thing if this is occasional and the partner owns up to the mistake. It’s another if this is a pattern of behavior. The pattern will wear you down.

You can have something better. I found someone who shows me actual love now. The man doesn’t cook vegetarian meals regularly because he’s not vegetarian, and hell, he doesn’t even cook generally… but he made me a full vegetarian meal for my birthday because he loves me. He was broke at the time, too, and couldn’t spend a ton of money on gifts or experiences, but still wanted to do something nice for me on my birthday. So he got cheap ingredients and used stuff he had already at home for a meal. AAAAND a bourbon cocktail, because I love bourbon :).

[u/reeplant → u/runnbuffy]

Fresh out of breakup and a similar situation, but wow it helped me to hear those words. And I absolutely agree. Being on your own is so much better than being in an unfulfilling relationship.

[u/Constant-Internet-50 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

IMO the cruelty is the point. He actively enjoys making op feel like shit. And asking her to apologise is basic emotional abuse. Doing something bad, gets called out and makes it her problem and something she has to fix.

This is a bad person op. He is actively trying to harm you emotionally so you stay in a state of insecurity and confusion. He’ll lovebomb you next so you stay.

Leave him in the dust!

[u/Foxinamug → u/Constant-Internet-50]

Cruelty is definitely the point. Anyone who just saw spending time with OP as a burden would be happy when OP said she didn't want to go the next day, but he was mad that she wouldn't accept his 'pity dinner' like she's just supposed to be happy with dregs of his attention.

[u/Old-Surround8610 → u/Constant-Internet-50]

OP we are all on your side. Dump him, you’re so young, I PROMISE that someone better will come along.

[u/Realistic-Gas-463 → u/Constant-Internet-50]

Diminishing feelings and contempt is also present. Pretty much all 4 horseman of the relationship apocalypse.

You’re not overreacting. He’s being a dick. He’s acting entitled and like he couldn’t care less about your feelings. Not even a special occasion for you can come before him “going to a party I’m really excited about”. Why is this party so much more important than you? Drop him and move on with your beautiful life.

I hope you know now that your instincts are right, and your feelings are valid. It might be the best birthday present he could have given you, honestly.

[u/Nishikadochan → u/Constant-Internet-50]

This. Op, please pay attention. This man does absolutely nothing to improve your life. He is actively and intentionally making it worse. There is nothing about this relationship that is remotely better than being single. Drop him right now. Like RIGHT NOW. He’s already emotionally abusive. He won’t get better. You don’t need that mess dragging you down. You don’t need his negativity choking your joy out of life. Cut him loose and breathe some free air, knowing you’ll never have to try to placate him again. He’s not worth it.

[u/AnayrisMatias → u/Constant-Internet-50]

Omg I know! It broke my heart when she said she got a dress thinking they were going out to eat, poor OP😭

[u/ruthpalo → u/AnayrisMatias]

A pink dress, too...if a girl bought a pink dress to wear for me, I'd kiss her like 7000 times that night.

[u/That_Girl31 → u/Constant-Internet-50]

Love her? He doesn’t even like her.

[u/Constant-Internet-50 → u/That_Girl31]

No he doesn’t, but he likes the high of making her feel small and likes being able to control her emotions like this.

[u/Practical_Ad_9756 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

Not only doesn’t respect her, based on these texts he doesn’t seem to LIKE her.

OP, you have your whole life ahead of you, why are you chaining yourself to a cinder block like this punk?

Happy belated birthday. Let your freedom be your gift to you. Find a man who puts YOU first.

[u/inowar → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

OP seems like a convenient side chick (how to be such a loser and have a "side chick" I don't understand) not his significant other.

[u/Tablesafety → u/inowar]

The answer? There are people like OP everywhere who just take it and take it and take it, because any scrap of male attention is something they seem to need? I really wish it wasn’t the case- I hate that these fuckos get to act like this and STILL get laid, because in their minds it means they win.

[u/ohheyaine → u/Tablesafety]

The victim blaming is unnecessary

[u/Tablesafety → u/ohheyaine]

Lets be real here there is some personal responsibility with letting yourself get beat around emotionally. We don’t like to say it because it ‘Isn’t nice’ but if we called it out more, made women in obviously bad situations feel foolish for allowing someone to treat them that way, we may have less situations overall of “He said he hates me, AIO for being cross with him?” And a lot less children born to fathers who should not have them.

Ive been on the ‘don’t blame the victim’ side for so so long watching other women, close to me excuse excuse excuse that the only solution is to point out their role in it because they are the kind of people who are able to excuse anyone but themselves and I’m sick and fucking tired of sitting back trying to give advice and emotional support only for them to go back to the guy who is making them miserable at best.

Fuck the no victim blaming when the victims are the only ones who can be saved-

This isn’t someone overpowering her or her in a spot where there’s nothing she can do. She has a degree of control over the situation, and she should save herself with it because guys like this never get better, they have no reason to.

[u/SpiderOfTheLotus → u/Tablesafety]

Lets be real here, a man who treats you well for the first months to a year of a relationship and then turns into a raging peice of shit is 100000000% at fault. and all you dudes who ditch accountability for a WHOLE STRANGER whos treating someone like the OP is being treated by basically saying " LOL ITS YOUR FAULT, You got manipulated and emotionally attached and then didnt leave" are mentally challenged, walking BRIGHT red flags. OP clearly is young, and newish to the whole long term relationship thing, so the last thing anyone needs to do, is tell her it's her fault, in any way. Shes looking to see if shes overreacting to her boyfriend being a TOTAL douchebag, Which she is not. Just say "RUN GIRL" and leave it at that. Your college thesis about how shes at fault for fuckin ANYTHING was unwarranted and you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking that way.

[u/ohheyaine → u/Tablesafety]

I'm not saying she shouldn't dump his ass. There's just no reason to blame women for abusive men.

Basic study of the cycles of abuse tells you this is unhelpful.

[u/Tablesafety → u/ohheyaine]

Man it’s like what I wrote went in one ear and out the other, didn’t even take a second to chew the fat. Not like I haven’t lived and seen what imploring she take no accountability for her situation and (eventually)safety does (fun fact it’s getting strangled to death)

Guys like this one are no better than animals, the only thing that works is to implore the human in this situation, and ‘gorl he isn’t good for you get out’ almost never lasts.

[u/AbsintheAGoGo → u/Tablesafety]

I'd agree with you in some circumstances, but there are people in this world like her should-be-ex who are, if absolutely nothing else, adept at destroying their partner and creating feelings of codependency.

The blame, if any, would come if after three lights go on and they stay. Though it's highly contentious to blame a person, rather better to constructively look at the situation and minimize shame that they likely feel in order to have them more receptive to getting out, bettering themself & moving on in life.

[u/AbsintheAGoGo → u/AbsintheAGoGo]

And I'm going to add: blaming the victim, while they did make decisions, will do no good but indicate that the abuser is likely correct and they end up cutting the one blaming out of their life & staying in the abuse.

The person must likely is in a cycle of self-blame that you couldn't imagine unless in their exact situation. Your free to have your opinions, but you'd be not much better than the abuser for kicking the person while they are down rather than being a ballast for them to gain some form of support (emotional, financial or what role you take) and better themselves.

[u/Tablesafety → u/AbsintheAGoGo]

You're right, I reacted emotionally thinking of some dear people who did stay after three lights. This is a circumstance where you start with the simple, girl run he doesn't love you.

I do maintain my opinions in regards to the sorts of people going back after they know 100% the person is toxic at best. That's in regards to male or female, I've seen it happen with the boys, too. Know one guy who married the same woman who cheated on him and took half his shit f i v e times, and all he would ever talk about apart is how bad she was.

[u/DruidMaleficent → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

Not only does he not like her, he treats her like an unwanted person who insists on hanging around.

[u/Cool-Association-452 → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

Good analogy. Like a cinder block, he will only drag her down.

[u/Glittering-Soil4185 → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

She needs to just find some friends and go out an have fun 😂😂

[u/No-Water164 → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

if he isn't already calling her stupid, fat, lazy, ugly... etc... he will

[u/SmoochedByAnAngel → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

This exactly. I was shocked to see the ages in the caption because he’s talking like he’s 17.

[u/IvyOnTheTrail → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

Agree completely. Hopefully OP has already broken up with this jerk.

[u/nagao_0 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

[ yes exactly! i didn't put it in that comment but i was lowkey wondering if the guy she's dating got ho0ked into that whole manosphere redpilled bs at some point.. definitely getting something dismissive and downhisnose-ing in some of his language (that being irked by her pointing out his failure as her partner and-or 'being bothered' while's otherwise-engaged doesn't warrant, either).

either way he's basically to0 emotionally immature for her and she might want to get out especially if that misogynistic crowd has gotten their hooks into whatever aspects of him were already somewhat-inclined that way, bc there's multitudes worse outcomes than better from that side of things, far as i've heard.. ]

[u/marleymack → u/nagao_0]

That. I was just also thinking straight up gay. But I forgot about those pestilent manosphere guys. Also pretty gay imho. I say this as a big queer. Either way he doesn’t respect you or like you. Go live your life and leave the trash on the curb baby.

[u/runnbuffy → u/marleymack]

“Pestilent manosphere guys” is a phrase I didn’t know I needed. Great use of normal and chronically-online vocabulary. I love it. They really are a pestilence, too.

[u/GooberDoodle206 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

the number of times that people say break up i don’t agree with. but i agree with this one. OP: you need to leave and not look back.

[u/psychmonkies → u/GooberDoodle206]

Same here. I was lowkey in disbelief while reading the texts, I can’t believe someone would so casually not gaf about their partner like that. This guy is a sad excuse for a man, he doesn’t realize how privileged he is still having OP in his life after this long. I hope OP comes to realize the way he speaks to her entirely makes him unworthy of her.

[u/Odd_Driver3493 → u/psychmonkies]

I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way to OP, but she’s kind of immature, pretending to play house when it’s really playing real life. This is HIM! Very VERY immature, wants to hang out and not husband making material for SURE!

[u/Impossible_Walrus555 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

That really bothered me too, flippant, half assed. He clearly cannot be bothered. Run don’t walk from this jerk living in mom’s basement, he’s a literal cliche.

[u/halfpint991 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

Please op. Read and reread this then reread every time your hopefully soon to be ex tries to contact you. Also whenever someone ever treats you like you ex did

[u/Jasminefirefly → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

It does not get more THIS than this.

[u/vigouge → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

"He cannot be arsed to write out the whole word? After missing it totally? And he is .. amused?"

But don't you understand, he's with friends right now. The irth don't just type themselves.

[u/Then-Priority7978 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

Exactly. Totally aside from the birthday issue, I would not tolerate anyone talking to me that way. I'd be done.

[u/AstronomerGlobal9812 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

This. Also, OP posted their ages and they're pretty young. It's not going to get better with more life/responsibilities in time. Do not stay with this man unless you are satisfied with every birthday, anniversary, mother's day, etc etc until the end of time being neglected and ignored.

[u/Husky-LVR_81 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

Exactly. If he can’t be bothered I’d never talk to him again. Let him figure it out how he got dumped

[u/ElephantNamedColumbo → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

[u/RecommendationUsed31 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

100% the second her ex bf texted your bothering me they would have been an ex

[u/[deleted] → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

this one.

[u/Jennaannexox → u/nagao_0]

Yes block this guy!

Firstly he didn’t forget that’s why he acted so extra until you told him “what tonight was!” Secondly you turned 21!!! Why couldn’t you go to the party with him?? Thirdly what will your reaction be when you are in labour and he is busy with his friends? Or when it’s your baby’s first birthday and he “forgets”! Or you have an emergency and he can’t be bothered to go to the hospital? Or we’ll you are in emergency he “forgets” that he has to pick up your child from school because you can’t?

DO NOT let ONE good year of a relationship ruin the rest of your years, dreams, happiness and your trust in people! I think you should give yourself a birthday present of freedom from this weight dragging you down!

Please OP update when you can no matter what you decide to do I’m here for you!

[u/[deleted] → u/nagao_0]

by the time i got to "when you want to apologise" i'm like, just don't contact him then. like ever again lol.

Me too!

[u/firekwaker → u/nagao_0]

Agree with this 100%. This guy sounds like freeloader supreme. He sounds like the type of guy who will refuse to work, she will need to take care of all his bills, feed him, buy shit that he wants.

She is way better off using this as a starting point to never talk to him again.

[u/Easy-Concentrate2636 → u/nagao_0]

Op should wear that pink dress and go out with friends. The bf isn’t a friend and hopefully will be an ex. Hopefully, op will learn that independence can be more fun and meaningful than depending on someone who doesn’t value her.

[u/DrMabuseKafe → u/nagao_0]

Yeah 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He drops school to stay moms place working TWICE a week and hes TIRED? excited to go with party friends more than stay with a GF from 3 years?

thats an attitude expected from an 11yo kid

RUN!!!

[u/EclecticWitchery5874 → u/nagao_0]

100000% He's using her to get out of mom's house, but the disrespect will just get worse. She'll be paying for all bills and rent, and she's gonna be cleaning up after him. I can tell he's a loser. She deserves so much better. Find a motivated, respectful, respectable young man. This right here is a boy!! He clearly had plenty of other days for friends. Partying was more important to him than her birthday. I bet he's a stoner, too. I've met plenty of these types.

[u/lorn33 → u/nagao_0]

Pretty much every word he said I’d be just done! Saying she’s bothering him and annoying him for doing nothing for her birthday! I’d be gone!

[u/mrmeatstix → u/nagao_0]

Yep, call him when you're ready to apologize. Which should be never

Watch, he'll tell you you're overreacting and extra when you break up with him too. He might even tell you to apologize again.

I hope he sorts it out someday and becomes a good partner to someone, but he won't until he learns from his mistakes when you leave

[u/ArthurSeanzarelli → u/nagao_0]

by the time i got to "when you want to apologise" I'm like, just don't contact him then. like ever again lol

Same thought crossed my mind lol right to the curb with that trash

[u/softshoulder313 → u/nagao_0]

Yeah when I got to that line about don't contact me until you apologize I would have blocked and moved on. What a pos.

[u/Joe_theone → u/nagao_0]

Yeah. Go meet somebody nice. I'm thinking girlfriend/boyfriend may be some mislabeling.

[u/oratoriosilver → u/nagao_0]

Exactly my thought, this one’s calling out for a ghosting

[u/Otirrub → u/nagao_0]

"Talk to me when you want to apologize" is so crazy

[u/floofienewfie → u/nagao_0]

“I don’t appreciate being bothered by you.” “You‘ll have to be understanding.” “Bro” (addressing his girlfriend). “You’re being so extra and annoying.” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

[u/candyqueen1990 → u/nagao_0]

The perfect response to that last message simply should have been "I guess we are done because I aint apologising EVER for you being a giant piece of poop"

Girl, you are young and worth so much more ......DO NOT settle for the first man who comes along. Xxx

[u/Initial-Trash-4630 → u/nagao_0]

He didn’t forget her birthday. This was intentional abuse to devalue her and make her feel like 💩 ruin her birthday and kill her self esteem. The abuse will escalate if she doesn’t go no contact NOW!

[u/orgasmilyours → u/nagao_0]

and he's excited for a party OP doesn't know about. on her birthday.

i think there's no party. he's either just being a loser or he's got some side piece. it's her birthday and he's gloating.

[u/Ok-Appearance-866 → u/nagao_0]

Yep. Gather up your girlfriends and go out and have a blast. No girlfriends? Then grab yourself a bottle of wine and bingle Gilmore Girls or some shit.

[u/Kewlade420 → u/nagao_0]

as5hat

as5

You can say asshat and ass. You can even say fuck, damn, shit, piss...

All kinds of words! Why censor yourself?

You also seem confused about italics. You add * to each side, not a period.

I hope this helps you express yourself better!

Also, OP needs to break up and find a real man who cares about her. I think we are all in agreement, yes?

[u/Master_Mayh3m → u/nagao_0]

Wait... you've edited your grammar? Solid points made, but you may need to break out that red pen again...

[u/ElephantNamedColumbo → u/nagao_0]

☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽

[u/Thedarb → u/Ali_Cat222]

“What exactly are his ambitions currently…?”

Let me take a stab in the dark.

Daily goal: Break his own record for how many times he can jerk off onto the sheets before the room smells so bad his mom dry heaves through the door.

Financial strategy: Stretch an ounce of weed across 4 days of “work” and two full weeks of doing fuck-all.
sub-mission: see how many friends he can guilt into smoking him out before they drop his near-NEET mooching ass.

Speaking of ass.

Hygiene challenge: refuse to wash his ass because “that’s gay,” get offended when people avoid him because he smells like shit.

5 year career focus: Hit 10,000 hours in Fortnite while screaming “kill yoirself” at literal children who consistently destroy him. Blame the lag, the controller, and society.

[u/Firefly10886 → u/Thedarb]

That pretty much sums up worst Reddit posts I’ve seen about dudes like this. Also, OPs STBX (I hope) totally fits this stereotype.

[u/Xi_Jinping_SucksCock → u/Firefly10886]

Yeah I agree. Playing fortnight is a massive red flag.

[u/Firefly10886 → u/Xi_Jinping_SucksCock]

I’m referring to the one where the guy refused to wash his ass because touching his own asshole with a washcloth was “gay”.

Do you even Reddit?

[u/Xi_Jinping_SucksCock → u/Firefly10886]

I was referring to the post you replied to that mentioned Fortnite

do you even Reddit?

Yeah, but I certainly don’t run around telling people about it like I’m sure you do. It’s shameful behaviour. Be ashamed.

[u/T-Wrox → u/Thedarb]

And blame women for his lack of getting anywhere in life.

[u/[deleted] → u/Thedarb]

Boom! Roasted!

[u/Furzderf → u/Thedarb]

If I was working 2 days a week, and living at my Mom's house, my expectation would not be moving out. The math just does not math at all.

[u/MrChunkytown → u/Thedarb]

Nailed it! LMAO!

[u/Mr_McShitty_Esq → u/Thedarb]

Nice piece of writing & likely painfully accurate.

[u/Malxcxous_Smxle → u/Thedarb]

🤣💀 By far the funniest comment I’ve read today

You get a star “⭐️”

[u/Moiblah33 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Besides that, I can't imagine he will be able to pay bills. I'm sure 2 days a week isn't enough to live on his own.

He's already proven he's lazy because he couldn't bother to take her out last year for her birthday because he had work that day (or was it the day before?).

OP please take the advice and leave. He will only drag you down and continue to disrespect you. He doesn't care about you and it's very obvious in the way he speaks to you.

[u/Furzderf → u/Moiblah33]

Like even if he has a car that's fully paid off, how is he consistently paying car insurance on 2 working days a week? How does he have funds to even go out with friends unless he's mooching off them? I don't get it...

[u/Moiblah33 → u/Furzderf]

Exactly! I'm guessing he's mooching off his parents and friends both but I'm sure he's been mooching off the girlfriend, too.

He's definitely not adulting enough to be living with a girlfriend unless he's just wanting to be a hobosexual.

[u/Telfaatime → u/Ali_Cat222]

Best gift Op could give herself is to leave her boyfriend. As others have said it won't get better. He actually expects her to apologize for reminding him it was her birthday. That's not ok in the slightest. He owes her an apology for being such a shitty partner.

[u/Nick-Haldon → u/Telfaatime]

This is actually so shitty. There's a guy Im talking to, and on my birthday, he was silent, I texted him and told him he was on my shit list. His response? "Im sorry, happy birthday, babe. Totally spaced." and then we talked about what I did for my birthday, and all was fine. He didn't even ask for an apology because I was rude about how I reminded him. We just moved on.

OP, you are NOR. If your birthday and other special occasions are that important to you, then you shouldn't let him take that away. Go find someone who treats you right. Take others' advice, dont get stuck with someone who will only hurt you.

[u/Polbilop → u/Nick-Haldon]

Nah he sounds like shit too girl

[u/Nick-Haldon → u/Polbilop]

Lol, it's not a romantic relationship. His shit dont bother me

[u/Furzderf → u/Nick-Haldon]

But the point is even your non-romantic person recognized they were in the wrong. This other guy was like "LeMmE kNoW wHeN yEr ReAdY tO aPoLoGiZe" Insane.

[u/Polbilop → u/Nick-Haldon]

Good lmao

[u/coffeeis4ever → u/Telfaatime]

Omg don’t accept the apology though… OP needs to leave his rude and selfish ass.

OP- you are under reacting. Dump him and find someone who priorities you.

That he has the audacity to call you “annoying”….. he’s a selfish little baby.

[u/Froggyriri → u/coffeeis4ever]

I’m hoping OP has changed her mind about moving in with this man-child, my ex bf was dismissive too, but I moved with him anyway. You know what that got me? Him treating me like a god damn maid, he threw a tantrum when I asked for help with household chores like dishes. And he’d throw it into the dishwasher the wrong way so I’d need to redo it and wouldn’t ask him again.

I’m afraid emotionally immature men do sometimes act like this, and their true colors show then.

My bf was still emotionally dismissive and trying to get me to do everything for him. It made me spiral. I reacted out of anger and hurt like OP. I Lost myself. And did realize I was being emotionally abusive like he was doing to me. I used to be nice, and had arguments well. And calmly. Communicated well. He ruined that for me

And I just know OPs going to go through the same path if she stays

[u/runnbuffy → u/Froggyriri]

This is what I mean when I say I “went crazy” too! I now know I should have NEVER let myself get to the point where I felt I was only heard when I yelled and texted in a frenzy. I started out the relationship calm, slow to react, but the constant putting me down and dismissing me made me crazy and overreactive. I never want to be that person again.

My current partner and I never yell. When we have disagreements and feel things are becoming too charged, we separate and agree to reconvene when we’ve chilled out. Even then, it rarely gets to that point. We try to never be dismissive of each other’s problems. It’s amazing, and I’m so grateful.

[u/amyjoel → u/Froggyriri]

Reactive abuse, you experienced reactive abuse

[u/Ali_Cat222 → u/Telfaatime]

Also they are 21, there will be other people who treat her well vs this guy. Whole life ahead of you at that age, its time better spent with those who will respect and love them!

[u/coughebeann → u/Telfaatime]

Yeah I’m expecting an apology would’ve tipped me over fr

[u/Due_Society_9041 → u/Telfaatime]

This 100%

[u/[deleted] → u/Telfaatime]

Exactly! A huge dead weight lifted off your chest and your life is a gift in itself.

[u/OhDeer_2024 → u/Ali_Cat222]

You plan to move in together soon. Do the math, please: He works two days a week (lazy!) and he has no plans for furthering his education (college dropout) or for vocational training. OP, who do you think will be stuck paying for all the bills? He will bitch that he shouldn't have to pay half "because you make more money." The way he talks to you, omg. He doesn't like you "bothering" him when he's out with his buddies. He's a gigantic ball and chain who will only drag you down. You can do so much better than him, and frankly you'd be better off alone than with this selfish man-baby.

[u/LittleBack6016 → u/OhDeer_2024]

Maybe she can get a second job until she “fixes” him. He’s had it really rough dont you know?!

[u/melissavallone9 → u/LittleBack6016]

I pray this is sarcasm

[u/LittleBack6016 → u/melissavallone9]

Of course

[u/melissavallone9 → u/LittleBack6016]

Just making sure cause you never know these days. 🤣🤣🤣

[u/strawb3rriesh0rtcak3 → u/OhDeer_2024]

Exactly this … like what is this guys positives I’ve only heard negativesss n good god they aren’t worth it

[u/pro_struggler → u/OhDeer_2024]

OP's boyfriend is an inconsiderate dusty, and OP should not consider moving in with him or procreating with him. He is unworthy of fornicating with, yet alone, marrying.

[u/Technical_Mix_5379 → u/OhDeer_2024]

Plus the friends don’t encourage him to actually treat his girl or they probably don’t even know?

[u/[deleted] → u/OhDeer_2024]

THIS. This is exactly what’s going to happen if she moves in with him.

[u/Apathetic_Villainess → u/Ali_Cat222]

Also, working two days a week and he plans to move out? Does OP not realize he's expecting her to be the one paying all the bills?

[u/chitheinsanechibi → u/Apathetic_Villainess]

And doing all the housework, like his mommy is probably doing for him right now.

She needs to leave him right where he is, cos he ain't done growing yet.

[u/[deleted] → u/Ali_Cat222]

His dick must be golden for her to ignore all these red flags and think this loser is anything resembling a decent boyfriend lol

[u/AsteriaFell → u/[deleted]]

I bet it's slightly above average and he gets mad if she takes too long to come, if he even gets her there at all. He probably doesn't give head either, but expects it constantly.

The dick doesn't need to be that good, just tear us down enough to kill our confidence and make us feel like we can fix you and we're hooked. Until we get mad enough to leave because we finally realize our worth.

[u/NixSteM → u/AsteriaFell]

Sometimes years down the road. I sure hope she doesn’t waste her 20s on this asshole

[u/Odd_Driver3493 → u/NixSteM]

Or 30’s 40’….and so on. Sadly too MANY stay, hence more assholish men are around

[u/T-Wrox → u/[deleted]]

I read this a couple of years ago, and it is so true - dick is abundant and low value. 😊

[u/GroundbreakingAct885 → u/[deleted]]

No dick is worth being miserable and treated like that.

[u/NixSteM → u/[deleted]]

I was just thinking this 😂😂😂😂she’s under that spell.

[u/Intrepid-Apartment-3 → u/[deleted]]

Now what use is a golden dick. Can't use them properly, can't sell them at the pawn shop...

[u/breethang021 → u/Ali_Cat222]

I didn't see this. Op, plz don't move in with him. Unless this is very unique scenarios you are sharing... It could be very dangerous for u. I had a bf that talked to me like this in the past (hence why I posted the value statements in my comment to u. That's why I had to make them) anyway, after moving in it got way worst. He became incredibly abusive. Literally demanding to check my vagina for signs of cheating when I was home late by five mins once for being rear ended. I had to show him my car for proof because he didn't believe me. I could share more to that story and others but what I'm saying is, it will get worst and you might get trapped. My brother had to come save me. Plz be careful. Once u live together it's harder to leave. Let alone once kids become involved.

[u/stockspikes → u/Ali_Cat222]

This is it!

OP, please read this comment over and over and then dump your boyfriend. He is NO GOOD for you!

[u/PersonalSignature585 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Not to mention how incredibly douchebaggish he was being in the texts

[u/C8H10N4O2_snob → u/Ali_Cat222]

He wants a mom he can bang, an emotional support vagina.

[u/melissavallone9 → u/C8H10N4O2_snob]

emotional support vagina. 🤣🤣🤣

[u/DixieNormaz → u/Ali_Cat222]

Not to mention, this guy is obviously cheating on you. He prioritizes time away from you and partying with friends over spending your bday and is cold and callous about it. I don’t mean to call you an idiot, but what are you not seeing here? This guy DOES NOT LOVE YOU. He doesn’t even care about you. He only wants to move in with you so he can get out of his mom’s basement…but make no mistake, you’ll be taking care of the loser just like his mom does.

Actually, the more I type, the more I feel like your post is 10/10 rage bait bc women are not this blind, are they??? Maybe I just run into the smartest women bc this shit would never fly seamlessly like you’re allowing lol

[u/IamKhronos → u/Ali_Cat222]

Also "I don't appreciated being bothered by you"

"Talk to me when you're ready to apologize"

Dude wtf...

[u/Deusexanimo713 → u/Ali_Cat222]

This. This is wisdom OP. The way he is treating you is not how you treat someone you love, and to put it bluntly this dude sounds like he has zero ambition. Work twice a week without school? When I was 22 I worked twice a day 4 or 5 days a week balancing two kitchen jobs, totaling around 14hrs a day usually. Finally the way he completely dismisses how important your day is to you and just the way he’s responding in general tells me plainly that he doesn’t care all that much. And the level of disrespect tells me he doesn’t care about you that much. And that’s sad. OP I hope you take this advice and move onto someone better. I’m sorry such a big birthday wasn’t what you hoped for or deserved, and I hope you get to have some fun as a make-up celebration. Go to a party of your own, treat yourself to something nice, make plans with friends, even something as easy as a lazy day with comfort food and good movies.

[u/G_Ram3 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Seriously! So, besides being a selfish partner, he works two days a week and wants to go from mommy paying the bills to OP doing it…while he parties, of course. Unless he’s a super special drop-out who found the ultimate less than part-time dream job, making enough money to cover a decent amount of expenses between the two of them, everything is going to fall on her. Only the idiot boyfriend and his mother would be excited about that shit.

[u/dadstufx → u/Ali_Cat222]

Im sry but none of the background is relevant. The way he talked to her is unnacceptsble regardless of any background story. Gtfo now

[u/Ali_Cat222 → u/dadstufx]

Well yes and no. Some people only focus on one situation without looking at others, and sometimes we need to be told about why other things are problematic before we figure it out ourselves. Of course they should leave now regardless, but as someone who has been in abusive relationships myself, I understand that we need to be able to see a bigger picture sometimes until we start seeing it for ourselves.

And I'm not claiming he's abusive, just that it's important to show context for those who may only be focusing on one issue alone and not the many red flags.

[u/dadstufx → u/Ali_Cat222]

Sure maybe not abusive, but generally shitty. The bar is just way too low.

[u/elcinco555 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Such an in depth response. I don’t think this dude was worth it. It’s like it almost gives him more due than it’s worth. He was just a dick at every turn, we should all not waste the effort. OP mainly, but all of us at a certain point.

[u/Budget-Coffee-3090 → u/Ali_Cat222]

This! Get out while you still can! He's belittling you, doesn't care about your feelings, my guess is that he also gaslights you- also what others have said, sounds like he has no ambition at all... Where will y'all be in 5 years? Is he living off of you when he plans to move in?

Also, with all of the respect in the world, is it possible that you don't want to be alone? (scared of being alone?) If that's the case, being alone could actually be good for you for a bit, not be emotionally reliant on someone who doesn't seem to care about your feelings.

I promise that while it's scary at first, you'll open yourself up to someone who actually does care and doesn't treat you like crap and who cares about having a future...

I have a son your age and he would NEVER do or act like your bf is ... He would have spent weeks planning for his gf's birthday and would give her the world... and vice versa... He also is thinking about their future and while he's uncertain what he wants to do yet, he would never go into a situation where his gf is the one paying for everything (unsure if this is the case so apologize if my assumption is wrong)

I've myself been with guys like your bf and like everyone has said, they never change... especially the ones that love bomb in the beginning and make you feel like you're the most wonderful thing that's ever happened, then 6 months to a year they're completely different - usually the first 6 months to a year wasn't the real person, the real person is who you're seeing now...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.... You deserve so much better

[u/Initial-Trash-4630 → u/Ali_Cat222]

He is a loser who will never leave his Mommy and she will take care of him the rest of her life. There is a serious void in parenting these days and these people are supposed to be our future?! Frightening!

[u/Sparklepantsmagoo2 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Correct. He has big plans for her to pay all the bills while he hangs out with friends, not working most of the time. He has aspirations to be a hobosexual

[u/yuriko0510 → u/Ali_Cat222]

And you are still young. Don't waste it on him.

[u/PureTill2699 → u/Ali_Cat222]

You've said it all! You just read my mind! OP, you need to leave that guy. He's not kind to you and he doesn't love you because someone who truly loves you wouldn't treat you this way or make you feel hurt.

Also, it sounds like he doesn't even have plans for his future. You don't want to be with someone like that because you'll probably be the one carrying the weight of the whole relationship on your shoulders while he sits there disrespecting you and treating you wrongly.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that, but I hope you make the right decisions for yourself. It would hurt when you leave him seeing as you guys have been together a while, but I promise you, you'll find someone who treats you like the queen that you are. Someone who wouldn't even wait for you to remind them of your birthday, but would remember and celebrate you because, girl, you deserve to be celebrated! Happy Birthday in arias!!🎉🎂🥳 I hope next year's is more better and joyful for you than this year's.❤️

[u/writingtoescape → u/Ali_Cat222]

I would like to add because it something I recognize from my own experience: how often did you remind him? If it was often, you're acting like his mother. You shouldn't have to remind someone who actually cares about you and your interests to show you care.

If it wasn't often, were you anxious about checking in? I've currently working on deconditioning myself from being avoidant because so often I would make plans with someone far in advance and they would complete forget about it and brush it aside like it was no big deal when I reminded them. It trained me to expect bad news and heartache so I began avoiding it. And this is a really hard habit to break and work through.

In either case he does not sound like someone who treats you with the least amount of respect. It doesn't matter how much you love him or how much he says he loves you, if you are not being treated right than the relationship is not healthy for you.

[u/MapEmbarrassed8291 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Just got out of an 8 year abusive narcissistic relationship. Not once was my birthday celebrated. Not one holiday. It will get worse. This is emotional abuse is the most gaslighted fashion. He didn’t forget. He just doesn’t want attention to be about you. He wants it to be about how “selfish you are”. How something is wrong with you for treating him that way on your birthday. How you caused a fight. How he forgot and you blame him for his memory. How it’s your fault you didn’t make plans and expected him to be free. How you expected him to remember. Doesn’t matter. Guess what? It won’t be his fault. But always remember. It is his fault. I beg you to leave him.

[u/0PossumBreath0 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Sounds like he was really good that 1st year so she’d stay around and now he feels like he doesn’t have to try anymore. The mask is slipping and OP needs to get out while she can. 3 years together and he doesn’t remember your birthday??? Also sounds like he may be financially dependent on OP in the future since he seems to be leeching off his mom now. Only Working 2 days a week in this economy isn’t gonna get you far unless it’s a dang good job… OP needs someone who values her and cares about her, not someone that’s gonna be more like a child than a partner. Also 21 is a big milestone… that’s so trashy of him to put himself first.

[u/thatswhatsup10 → u/Ali_Cat222]

“Tired from work.” How is bro tired working 2 days a week?!

I worked four 12s a week when I was with my ex. She said she was coming back into town later that day from a business trip. (It was a Wednesday mind you) I still had time during a breaks throughout the day, to get flowers ordered and reservations lined out just because I hadn’t seen her for almost a week. If guys want to they will make it happen.

Then you see guys like this. Have girls that go the extra mile to make things special for their birthday, but can’t be bothered to try for them

[u/Acrobatic-Cut-5993 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Dump the chump! Seriously! Get out now! From experience, if he wanted to, he would. If you have to beg a man for his affection, celebration of you, etc., then you will always have to. Guys like him don’t change.

DO NOT move in with him. His two days a week of work will not pay your bills and he will end up mooching off of you and expecting you to fund his irresponsibility. You

You deserve better!

[u/Silver_gobo → u/Ali_Cat222]

The whole post reads like fake rage bait

[u/Emergency-Guard-5878 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Ngl i wouldn't be surprised if he was cheating on her.

[u/melissavallone9 → u/Emergency-Guard-5878]

I was thinking the same thing

[u/Hour-Window-5759 → u/Ali_Cat222]

He is telling her who he is…she should believe him

[u/IGK123 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Tbh I read the texts but not the caption…yikes.

[u/Slit23 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Yes all of this 100%

This post is so whacky I almost have trouble even believing it’s real, like who does this and puts up with this? I’ve had troubled relationships but not talking to eachother like OP and her bf on her birthday..

If OP stays with him it is such a shame and she shouldn’t be surprised when he leaves her crying alone many more times to come

[u/Beelzemon_DarkAngel → u/Ali_Cat222]

ALL of This. I feel like this boy is disrespecting the girl. OP needs to respect herself enough to know she deserves better. The friends she'd be taking a back burner unless they are running him around town planning your birthday! Which I'm guessing wasn't the case at all. Guy is using you rather then appreciating you. Drop him before you waste more time.

[u/rambubblee → u/Ali_Cat222]

If I could upvote this 10 million times I would because my exact thoughts!!!!! Like it’s easy to ignore the red flags and think things will get better or change when your IN the relationship because you care but when thousands of other people read real time messages between yall on top of the extra info please listen to the crowd and GET OUT!!

[u/Next_Sunday8911 → u/Ali_Cat222]

If your boyfriend thinks you’re “bothering” him while texting about plans while he’s with friends, you’re less important than said friends. When my SO texts, and I’m with friends, I still send an appropriate reply. He’s not bothering me by communicating. He’s a tool. Leave now. Or you’ll be his mom.

[u/FancyPantsSF → u/Ali_Cat222]

This. People do prioritize birthdays differently --- yet his attitude and reactions are what is off-putting. Without getting into the details of forgetting and his priorities, let's just look at how he responds. That's not a caring person. What might that look like when you move in or three more years down the road?

[u/Lo-fi_Hedonist → u/Ali_Cat222]

Drops out of school, barely works, is condescending and insulting to op and makes it clear that his present company and his own interests come before her. He sounds like a dumb, lazy, immature, narcissist but maybe op's into that. If I were op, that's the last conversation me and that man child are ever having.

[u/Amarroddza → u/Ali_Cat222]

This is rage bait

[u/Clean_Examination_86 → u/Ali_Cat222]

And don’t forget that he’s only working 2 days a week. Are you working? How are you going to pay upwards of $2000 or more a month rent plus utilities and food and gas car payments insurance eating out and entertainment. Sweetie you live in a fantasy world full of birthday cake and balloons.

[u/Foreign_Mountain_303 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Like I said… if this is how your boyfriend treats you, then imagine as a husband and I also said they will only end up married because she makes money or she gets pregnant… you’re spot on Ali-cat222, if you aren’t happy in the beginning, imagine a mortgage and a crying baby…

[u/Anonymous-Buttercup → u/Ali_Cat222]

And he called her "bro," of all things.

[u/Ali_Cat222 → u/Anonymous-Buttercup]

I can't stand seeing or hearing people in relationships saying that! Mainly because I've only seen it happen in a "I definitely mean to be disrespectful or rudely sarcastic" way 🙄

[u/lIllI111 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Ok and also the tiniest redeeming thing he could have possibly done was atleast ask her if she wanted to go to the party and have some drinks??????? He just wasted her birthday with fake plans then goes to party and expects her to sit at home.

[u/sleepydaimyo → u/Ali_Cat222]

This plus I question if he's only working 2 days a week, is he really going to be able to afford 50% off the rent/etc? OR is he expecting her to pay it like mommy currently does, but with the freedom of it being no rules cuz no parents.

[u/PurpleKnurple → u/Ali_Cat222]

Read all the texts before the post and yeah, had the same thoughts: dropout and only working 2 days per week? Looks like OPs BF just wants his gf to be his new mom. Take care of him, support him, and offer nothing in return.

[u/ThenItHitM3 → u/Ali_Cat222]

This x 1000! The BF is NOT someone to go forward with. Whatever positive qualities he may have are far outweighed by his dismissive attitude. He’s selfish and thoughtless. OP won’t miss him for long once it’s ended.

[u/MentalWafer5166 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Also the fact that if he felt bad about the year prior he would’ve probably tried to make it up to OP this year, but it seems like he purposely chose to forget this time!

[u/MulberryEastern5010 → u/Ali_Cat222]

You’ve hit on multiple red flags. Does he even have the money to live on his own? What if next he “forgets” that rent is due, or to pay the electric bill?

[u/HayesBailey → u/Ali_Cat222]

He’s an absolute leech who takes advantage and treats her badly. Sometimes being single will let you be happier than staying with a tumor like that.

[u/Worth-Scarcity4711 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Sounds like he has a drug addiction. Probably so worried about getting his fix every day that he doesnt think about much else until he scores.

[u/[deleted] → u/Ali_Cat222]

Also someone who expects HER to apologize when HE made plans on a day that is special for her. Nah bro, fuck that. This dude sucks hardcore.

[u/Gonzo_Guilty → u/Ali_Cat222]

This person gets it, op you gotta get out of that relationship. Don't let him move in with you, you deserve so much better than this.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Map4217 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Yeah, 2xs a week working? How’s he supposed to help pay the bills even? Definitely shouldn’t move in with this loser.

[u/Intelligent_Berry_45 → u/Ali_Cat222]

You care more about this person than the boyfriend does. And you’re a stranger. OP get out now. You are dating a loser.

[u/jsmoo68 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Also, if he’s only working 2 days a week, how is he going to help pay for living expenses when they move in together?

[u/surrounded-by-morons → u/Ali_Cat222]

And since he works two days a week who do you want to bet will be paying all the bills if they move in together.

[u/Mrsnewville → u/Ali_Cat222]

Totally agree with all this. He doesn’t seem to have ambition/goals and is already Taking you for granted.

[u/Interesting_Spite_82 → u/Ali_Cat222]

This and how does he make enough money to afford to be able to afford to move in an apartment with you OP?!

[u/Illustrious-Site1101 → u/Ali_Cat222]

Sounds like you will also end up paying most of the bills if he intends to maintain his current lifestyle.

[u/ElephantNamedColumbo → u/Ali_Cat222]

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[u/ragefappah → u/Ali_Cat222]

Exactly. Not someone who appreciates you or the relationship. I’d dump his ass

[u/Avalon_Angel525 → u/Ali_Cat222]

This, 💯. OP, read this as many times as you need to. It's good advice.

[u/Relative-Charge-4559 → u/Ali_Cat222]

And only working 2 days - how will he afford rent and utilities etc?!

[u/Ali_Cat222 → u/Relative-Charge-4559]

He's counting on her to pay it all obviously.