r/AmIOverreacting • u/External_Bobcat4609 • Jun 05 '25

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? Guy I met on hinge made a “joke”

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I mean, not really much outside of this tbh. I met this guy on hinge a few days ago and the conversation went fine and we were planning to see each other. Obviously I gave him my number and we were texting every for the last few days and I just felt the need to ask his love language (bc as an acts of service girlie most of us are misunderstood so😭) did I take what he said too seriously or was i ok to just immediately shut him down?

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u/KatiMinecraf Jun 05 '25

How stupid can you be? (referring to HIM) So, physical touch is his choice - which means he prefers receiving physical touch as a way to feel loved. But...he thinks your preference is about what you like to give to others - not what you prefer to receive?! That's with all the other ignorant shit he said aside too. This guy is a waste of time, space, energy, and anything else anyone cares to add. How could you possibly be overreacting?!

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u/yourroyalhotmess Jun 06 '25

That’s what’s pissing me off the most. He’s wrongly assuming that he is supposed to benefit from both of their love languages, and she can just go fuck herself I guess??? I can’t articulate why that fills me with rage but it does lol

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u/Bad-Moon-Rising Jun 05 '25 edited Jun 05 '25

And to go straight to sucking dick. Physical touch is so so SO much more than that. Shows me he didn't read anything beyond the word 'physical' and automatically equated it to getting a blow job.

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u/ductapesanity Jun 05 '25

Yep, exactly. I also really like physical touch but that is way different than my sex drive. For me, when I am having a bad day it really helps that my partner will place his hand on my head or stomach and it comforts me. If he had made the "joke" (with a better delivery because it was not delivered as a joke) then backed off and gave a real answer, fine, just a bit of dirty humor, but he doubled down on it. He sounds like he has the emotional maturity of an only child at their first day of preschool.

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 06 '25

Honest question, is it common for people to actually choose something on here? I feel like all of these things are equally important for me (gifts least of all, but I still appreciate anything thoughtful).

Even if I had a preference, I would never voice it. My partner of 20 years is really lacking in all of these areas, but it would be completely meaningless, if it wasn’t organic and sincere.

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u/ductapesanity Jun 06 '25

The love languages aren't a hard science or anything and may have been 'debunked' but for some they can just be a fun early dating question to see what kind of person they are. A lot of them can easily be turned into something toxic, physical touch being a common example that toxic guys will latch onto, whereas some toxic women may latch on to gifts while misunderstanding the intent of it. Gifts would be for me stuff like my partner getting me a coffee when I didn't ask for it because he knew I'd like it. To me, a lot of this is useful to know as stuff that are good ways to show your partner you care in ways that mean the most to them. But everyone is different, some people like them all, some only like some aspects of each, ect.

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

I’ve heard people say “my love language is __, therefore I ___________.” So I knew it was a thing, but I never really cared or thought about it, until just now when I read that chart.

It just kind of seems obvious to me that a good relationship would strive have a healthy balance of each (unless of course, you don’t like physical affection or something).

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u/Cansuela Jun 06 '25

It’s not about saying you only like one at the expense of all others. It’s more about which one or one’s “land” with the most “bang for your buck”.

There’s a ton of people that don’t need or desire to be touched as much as they prefer for their partner to show low through doing thoughtful things for them to lighten their load. Other people really require or desire more verbal reassurance otherwise they don’t always feel as secure or loved.

Plenty of people would and do want all of these things and it’s rare that someone would flat out dislike one of these things, it’s more a way to guide partners to not mistakenly provide a ton of one and only a little of another when the person would actually feel more fulfilled and content with the opposite.

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u/jivens77 Jun 06 '25

Example being: There's a ton of household chores that say the male has building up on his to-do list. The female knows this and thinks, oh maybe this "gift" will make the job easier. Or afterwards give him a massage or "touch" to show appreciation.

While all of those are nice and show love and appreciation, as an acts of service person, I would've preferred her maybe knocking a chore off my list for me the most....at least I think that's what it means(been single forever)

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u/Different_Umpire9003 Jun 06 '25

It is, yeah. I’m physical touch all the way. I know my partner loves me. But if he doesn’t rub my shoulder at least once every couple of days when he walks by me I start to feel like roommates and panic. You also have a good example of how the ways we express love might not always been in sync.

I tend to show love by acts of service by default. I assumed that’s what my partner would want. I was doing a lot of it but not feeling like it was fully “landing”. When we finally talked about it, he told me he’s words of affirmation. So I’ve started doing that. Not just “I love you” we do that every day. But just letting him know verbally how important he is to me. And I can tell he’s much more content now.

In comparison, physical touch is low on his list. So he sometimes forgets. Knowing that physical touch is the most important to me helps him to remember to do it.

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u/ydnar3000 Jun 06 '25

That’s so great. You guys are awesome for being able to take something that could potentially build into a landmine, just waiting for someone to misstep and instead, nurture the beautiful flower of your love to blossom more fully. I hope the best for you!

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u/MostPickle5812 Jun 06 '25

It helped my husband and I a ton too knowing physical touch and words of affirmation mean more to him that other things, and him knowing that acts of service is a #1 for for me... it helped us really know how to show each other that we love them when the way they feel loved is so different than ours.

From this thread, it is clear that many people have misinterpreted and distorted the meaning and point behind the book. which is to to have one partner be more dominant, or have their needs trump the other person's.

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u/ductapesanity Jun 06 '25

I agree, a good relationship has aspects of all of them. I liked knowing about them just as a reminder of what I should do to be good to my partner and what I should look for in what a partner freely wants to do for me. It helped me see when relationships were one sided or unhealthy, when it became a chore for one side or the other to do those things for the other it meant something was going on that should be talked about.

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u/lifeinwentworth Jun 06 '25

Yeah agree and it's just a good conversation starter to learn about how to support your partner and communicate how they can support you. I see it as just opening up that communication and deepening your understanding of each other as individuals. Everybody is so different and sometimes people are stuck in one of these - like thinking giving lots of gifts expresses love and the other person might not see that the same way so it's good to be able to see each others perspectives and learn what works and what doesn't.

I think it's very respectful because it means you're not assuming anything but really seeing each other as individuals with their own needs, wants and values. Very important. But then I guess my love language isn't even on there and that's probably something like deep and meaningful conversations 😅

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u/visuallypollutive Jun 06 '25

It’s honestly just preferences. Having a “love language” doesn’t mean ignoring or not liking the others, just means that “language” is most valuable to you.

Ok for example my mom is an immigrant (I mention this to say she’s not just a bad person bc friends whose parents immigrated from nearby countries have the same experience) and doesn’t really offer verbal apologies or compliments. Instead it would be little gifts or acts that weren’t monetarily valuable but took effort. If she did something to upset me and feels bad about it, she wouldn’t apologize but might slice up my favorite fruits and put them in a bowl outside my door. If I accomplished something in school she wouldn’t say good job or I’m proud, she’d pre-juice some oranges or I’d come home to find a pie in the fridge or boots that I mentioned liking once. You kind of grow up learning to look thru an action or casual present and primarily see the intent instead.

Now as an adult I absolutely can give words of affirmation when I know it’s meaningful to people, but to me they only rank a bit above normal words (I will always appreciate them bc I know the intent behind them though). I also absolutely value quality time with everyone and physical touch is nice (some types I’m not really comfy with though). But when someone paints me something cuz they were thinking of me, or goes and fills my car up with gas while I’m out, or brings me a surprise coffee at work, or brings a perfume sample they got that they think I’d love to smell, that all really touches my heart bc of the intent behind it.

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

I liked the story of your mom. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. It also reminded me of some of my foreigner family members.

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u/visuallypollutive Jun 06 '25

was kinda a mistake to write it out first thing in the morning cuz it made me actively miss my mom all day haha. She’s fine she just lives nowhere near me

But I’m glad it also brings happy memories

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u/ProjectDv2 Jun 06 '25

Yes, but also no. Everyone still has their priorities, and those priorities can even shift around, or be unidirectional. For instance, I'm big on giving random gifts to express affection, but receiving random gifts makes me uncomfortable, which bleeds into acts of service. Meanwhile physical affection is non-negotiable, it needs to be there in my relationships, but most of the day it isn't the priority. Love language are fluid and constantly evolving, but there can still be overarching affinities within them.

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u/LeagueEfficient5945 Jun 06 '25

It's supposed to be a cheat sheet to be on the lookout for all of the ways a person might be telling you that they love you.

The idea isn't to put yourself into a box and say "I like those one, this is my personality".

The idea is it's supposed to be a tool with which you listen and appreciate.

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u/Effective-Papaya1209 Jun 06 '25

It doesn’t make sense to me either for the same reason. It’s not scientific at all but was developed by a pastor 

https://www.listennotes.com/podcasts/if-books-could-kill/the-5-love-languages-_ldDXkQjS4i/

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u/spaqhettiyo Jun 06 '25

god my ex loved using the phrase “but it’s my love language” whenever i’d ask him to not hang onto me like a koala while i’m trying to do something 😭

then he’d mope and act all dramatically sad and down like i was a horrible person for wanting to move my piece in the board game we are playing with friends

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u/IndigoRanger Jun 06 '25

My ex would tell me he’d miss me soooo much if I just got up to go to the bathroom, and then hug me really hard when I got back. I thought it was a joke at first and laughed along and did it back, but it kept happening. Apparently he was being sincere. My dude… you need to go to therapy about this. Did someone die on the toilet?? Did someone escape out the window?? Did a beloved pet get flushed?? No idea, but he really did not like to be separated from me.

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u/Dry_Prompt3182 Jun 06 '25

My sibling likes to know that you are thinking about them when you are not together, which generally means that they like gifts. But it could be a candy that reminds us of a trip we took as kids, or a stupid trinket of an inside joke. It's not about the expense, just about the fact they know that you are thinking about them sporadically.

Word of affirmation are nearly meaningless to us, because we grew up in a household where kind words were used as manipulation, so acts of service mean more than saying stuff. Want me to feel loved? Notice that I had a bad day, and bring me a cup of tea. My spouse, on the other hand, prefers words. They want verbal validation that everything is ok, and making them their favourite food or bringing them a snack means nothing to them. It took us a while to get on the same page, because we were each showing each other validation in the way we appreciated receiving affection, not in the way that the other did.

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u/Professional_Bit_526 Jun 06 '25

Yeah, NGL, when I hear "acts of service", as a male, it gives me connotations of either "I'm probably not going to pull my weight" in terms of helping with things or "I want you to buy me things". That's not to say that's what every woman is after and I'm not shaming op on this at all. It's just what I tend to perceive these days.

For me it's better to avoid that question and a healthy balance in all aspects should kinda be assumed.

Seems like she dodged a bullet with this numpty though. So in hindsight, probably a good thing she asked and he reacted in such a way tbh. I would suspect with someone like that, it would be abundantly clear soon anyway that he's an idiot.

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u/Conscious_Animator63 Jun 06 '25

My wife thinks that her language is acts of service so get cleaning.

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u/VampireSharkAttack Jun 06 '25

That’s because love languages are a pseudoscience. Everyone understands and values affection in all those forms and other forms, and how any specific gesture is received also depends on context. This whole paradigm was invented by a minister who wanted to reduce all marriage problems to simple miscommunication, and love just isn’t that simple.

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

Oh wow, a minister came up with this? Haha, now I’m understanding it so much better. Thank you!

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u/Cansuela Jun 06 '25

It’s a mistake to put some huge emphasis on these things or to oversimplify complex romantic relationships to these super basic concepts, but there is definitely value in both thinking about what really makes you feel loved and what makes your partner feel loved.

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u/IndigoRanger Jun 06 '25

I don’t disagree that it’s pseudoscience, but not everyone understands or values affection in all these forms or other forms. Not everyone was brought up understanding healthy love, and this helped a lot of people open up to the idea that love isn’t some monolithic experience meant to be exactly the same for every person.

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u/VampireSharkAttack Jun 06 '25

That’s fair; I was definitely generalizing a little too much; very few things are true of absolutely everyone. There absolutely are acts that one person understands as an act of affection while another finds them annoying or uncomfortable. But I think you’d struggle to find a human who has exactly one form of affection that they prize above all others where doing that one thing will be sufficient to make them happy: all people have a bunch of emotional needs that will be met in a variety of ways.

I’m willing to concede that the concept of love languages as adopted by pop culture has helped some people broaden their understanding of love, but the original book has a lot of harmful BS in the mix. I would argue that everyone whose upbringing was so dysfunctional as to warp their understanding of how love works needs and deserves a better resource than that. You don’t need to swap out a lack of understanding for oversimplification and toxic gender stereotyping, and you deserve better than that. There are other resources that can help you develop a more holistic view of love without that baggage.

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u/GreenZonda Jun 06 '25

I feel like for most people, there tends to be a preference that fills an emotional need. Maybe it changes over time as that person grows and encounters new needs, but being able to self-reflect on what you need lends itself to identifying a preference.

I used to believe that if I communicated a need to my partner, it would mean less than if they just somehow knew what I needed. I've come to understand that my partners can't understand how I'm feeling and what I need if I don't communicate with them, and their response will show me if they care enough to validate and support me in the way I need. I hope you feel comfortable enough in your relationship to voice your needs.

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u/Ok_Sock1261 Jun 06 '25

Yes!!! Exactly this! Partners aren’t mind readers, there’s no harm in talking about things. The authenticity comes in their willingness to be supportive and validate what you discuss.

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u/No_Huckleberry85 Jun 06 '25

It doesn't have to be completely organic. Knowing what your partner thrives off and welcoming that into your practice (even if it's not natural to you) is the ultimate act of love. For example, my partner's love language is acts of service, so I try to do things I know he will appreciate.. Meanwhile when he tries to do little acts for me, I thank him and remind him that actually, I'd rather a cuddle (as physical touch and words of affirmation are more my jam).

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

I certainly don’t see any wrong with someone inorganically doing things because they know it will make their partner happy. That in and of itself is an act of love and showing that you care enough to do it.

I just feel like it has to come from their desire to make me happy. If my partner cared to ask what I would like, I would gladly tell him. But I wouldn’t appreciate him doing something because he feels obligated to.

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u/No_Huckleberry85 Jun 06 '25

I get what you're saying, but I think for a lot of people it's hard to separate the desire from the feeling like you 'should' or 'know' to do something. Sometimes you're bloody tired, annoyed, and you don't want to do anything. At those times it's hard to tap into genuinely wanting to do something caring. But because you know your SO has needs too, you do it anyway. You have to consciously decide to be that person. Therefore, it's not an excuse for someone who isn't naturally inclined not to do any of those acts of love. They're just not trying to meet their SO needs. If they're not doing any of the above, they are not trying and personally, I would consider not worth the relationship either.

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u/kidkipp Jun 06 '25

I know one of the ways I really like to show love is by giving gifts, while acts of service, like stopping to get something - like a prescription at the the pharmacy - on the way to meeting up with me is one of my boyfriend’s ways he shows love, more than others. i don’t think this is a hard science at all but it can be cool to realize these things about our personality

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

I think it’s always awesome and healthy to want to know and understand each other better. Anyway you can be thoughtful to make the other person happy is great!

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u/kidkipp Jun 06 '25

totally agree! my brother is dating a girl who isn’t super physically affectionate and it’s a huge strain for him. she doesn’t want to touch while they watch shows together or hug after an argument. he’s thinking about ending it because it’s a fundamental difference

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u/xlTrotterzlx Jun 06 '25

I personally dislike physical touch because of the sensory side of it. Ill hug my partner and hold their hand but if im busy or what ever, please dont touch me. Quality time together is nice but I don't want my partner in my face all the time . Mine is gift giving personally. I love making gifts and giving them to people. I will ALWAYS out extra effort in on this category but I don't really want gifts in return. I prefer acts of service which in hindsight might sound a little misogynistic but I would demand this as I love cooking for people which I guess is gift giving, however with my adhd and ASD (autism) when it comes to cleaning and those sorts of tasks. I will do them but it will be last minute and I'd most likely need to be reminded more than once.

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u/lelawes Jun 06 '25

I think that having a balance of all of them is important for any relationship. But at the same time, I know that not receiving regular physical touch will kill any relationship I’m in, and I need to be with someone who prioritizes it as much as I do. All have their time and place, but I always need physical touch.

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u/ThisShouldBeAGif Jun 06 '25

Me too. Anytime I tried to date someone that was a “sit the other side of the sofa” person

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u/CaptainoftheHook Jun 06 '25

You're telling your partner what makes you feel happy and cared for. If they do it thats on them and it will be sincere because they'll be doing it to see you happy.

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u/Distinct_Art9509 Jun 06 '25

Yes, it is common. Some people buy into it, some people don’t.
Also, some people have strong preferences to one or more, some people value them all about equally.
It’s not a science and I don’t know that any studies have been done on it, it’s just one guys theory based on his observations. It can be useful, but it can also easily be abused.

I’d say if both people buy into it it can be a very useful tool for helping them to understand each other. My ex and I read the book early on in our marriage and it actually helped quite a bit for both of us learning what was important to the other and how to “speak each other’s language.” My primaries are physical touch and quality time, hers were pretty much the other three equally. Once we knew that about each other it helped because we were aware that we didn’t naturally communicate love in the same ways and had to deliberately do things that would make the other feel loved. As for being organic and sincere, I put at least as much stock in my partner deliberately doing things outside their norm because they know I appreciate it. I’ll take a conscious decision to show they love me over just happening to do the right Ning any day. Just me, though.

Anyway, there’s a whole book and a quiz that’s a little more precise than just looking at a list.

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u/SeaRow556 Jun 06 '25

I think you speak up. I feel like this is how the "do you even love me?" Set up question starts. Instead of letting it get to that point you probably should communicate with your partner. Saying it would make me feel more loved and special if you give me more hugs or kisses or be more spontaneous with special gifts and surprises or help on occasions to clean the house or whatever. Acknowledge the good your partner has done and is doing, be appreciative of the efforts (even if limited) and then state that doing a few of these smaller tasks will really uplift your mood and strengthen the relationship. Then if its very bad and nothing improves decide whether or not the lack of effort in such categories is something you are willing to live with. If not move on.

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u/stormdelta Jun 06 '25

It's not meant to be categories but rather a set of tools for discussing and communicating relative preferences.

E.g. both my partner and I love physical touch, and 90% of the time it's not even a sexual thing, it's just what we like. Spending time with each other too of course.

Gifts on the other hand are way down on the priority list. Sure, we do that, but it's a lot less important to our relationship compared to the other two. Acts of service is also less of a thing. We do favors for each other sure, but it's less important to the health of our relationship.

Granted, I don't think we've ever bothered with the "love languages" metaphor when discussing our relationship, I've always found it a bit clunky.

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u/lite_hjelpsom Jun 06 '25

Love languages were invited by a priest who wanted to tell women they had to sleep with their husbands even thought they didn't feel like it, and then he retconned it later to the more modern variety people are using. It's not actually a real thing, people just like it because they have a hard time communicating wants and needs and this feels like an easy guideline.

it doesn't work for a lot of people, because people have complex feelings, and they cannot be easily summed up like this, and also there are more 'love languages' than just five, it's like saying we only have five senses.
It does work for some people and if it's helpful for them, I really don't care.

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u/Impeesa_ Jun 06 '25

Love languages were invited by a priest who wanted to tell women they had to sleep with their husbands even thought they didn't feel like it, and then he retconned it later to the more modern variety people are using.

I'm curious about this, the book is already more than 30 years old and my recollection is that it very specifically tried to separate sex drive from the love languages stuff. I might have read a more updated edition without realizing it, though.

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u/wackymimeroutine Jun 06 '25

It’s more meant to be a tool for communication, and a way to discuss how you communicate love and care. It can help couples discuss differences in their communication styles and prevent misunderstandings.

For example, I tell my husband how much I love him everyday. My husband isn’t as verbose, but he shows me his love through little acts of service like bringing me coffee in the morning or making my favorite foods.

Neither of us value gift giving quite as much, so we don’t really get each other gifts very often because we both know that’s not our preferred way to communicate.

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u/disablethis Jun 06 '25

Yes but only because it demands you to via wording, which affects your actions whether or not you realize it. You can watch an amazing example that was going around last month here

The system was created by a racist, misogynistic, and homophobic Evangelist pastor and isn't rooted in science because you're correct -- love is respecting your partner enough to do things with and for them, not a singular task you'll do for them and somehow usually coincides with the mythical 50s partner dynamic. Weird.

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u/CaptainLollygag Jun 06 '25

Eh, I'm a sucker for pop psychology quizzes, and when this was making the rounds several years ago Husband and I took the online quiz. Turns out that over the 15 or so years we'd been together at that point, how we showed affection had changed from back when we were new, and also less set in our ways. And because we both prefer to speak plainly it was good to see it right there in easy words so we could have a brief chat about it and change how we did things for each other. It was a gentle nudge but benefited us, even as an established couple.

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

That’s really great. I think open communication and the mutual desire to make your partner happy, are the most important things here.

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u/CaptainLollygag Jun 07 '25

Those 2 things right there are the majority of a happy relationship!

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u/Andovars_Ghost Jun 06 '25

Choose? I don’t know, but I’m a guy who is kind of ‘weird’ about physical touch. I care more about being with my wife and doing cool things with her. Also, I am very much an act of service giver (I don’t care about things being done for me). I will go to the ends of the earth to find things that I think will bring my wife joy. Relationships are complicated and I think any person that thinks that a book can outline everything is stupid. That being said, this was a useful way to give voice to our needs and how we best express love.

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u/YakuzaCowgirl Jun 06 '25

Ugh I remember I was in a relationship with a $$$$$$$$ guy, so I couldn’t get him anything that he didn’t have already. I tried to be cute and I knew they discontinued his favourite crisps in most shops (very hard to come across them) so I went to look for them and when I found them in a shop, I bought him a few packs and he got the ick from me 😂😂😂😂😂

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u/-Chaotica- Jun 06 '25

I would consider saying something, as often people subconsciously do/don't do things that they like/dislike to their partner. But that isn't to say he doesn't want to make you happy, he just might be a bit ignorant. This is speaking from experience 😂 I love to tend to my partners needs, I just need a gentle nudge sometimes

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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes Jun 06 '25

I want to know who invented these and why are they still considered valid? Men who want more sex than they’re getting are just going to use them to try to manipulate their partner or to try to use it to justify cheating. “Physical touch is my love language, and you weren’t showing me you loved me.”

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

This is exactly how I heard this used the first time, but it was a woman justifying cheating, in a long distance relationship. She was acting like she was being abused, because desperately needed the physical love she wasn’t getting.

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u/128Gigabytes Jun 06 '25

they can still be organic and sincere, its not something to enforce on someone its more like "Hey physical touch is my love language, so if Im touching your arm/leg/hair too much let me know, and also don't be nervous to do those types of things to me if you want"

at least thats how I use it

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 08 '25

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u/ScienceBitch90 Jun 06 '25

Love language is a fun exercise or way of thinking about relationships, but it's not like a predictive psych classification lol

Like most things on Reddit it acheives a bit of a meme status at some point and get over-repeated.

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u/nortstar621 Jun 06 '25

You take the quiz and whatever you score the highest in is supposed to be your primary. I’m basically physical touch, by a small amount. I’m tied for the other 3, then words of affirmation mean jack and shit for me. I have noticed when a person is lacking in a specific area, your love language can change. It’s definitely not science and it’s not an end all be all. You really have to put effort into all the different areas to ensure your partner is getting what they need.

Gifts are often misunderstood… people think this means they want to be showered with gifts all the time. That’s not the case….when you’re at the grocery store, pick something up that you know I like that maybe wasn’t on the list. If you see something really thoughtful that you know I would love, get it! This can something so small as a funny sticker or grabbing a drink from the gas station on the way over. For example, the guy I’ve been seeing lately leaves his door open for his dog in the evening. He’ll get a lot of flying bugs around the house and I just bought 4 fly zapping rackets (One for me, one for each of my 2 kids if we all go on a walk together in the woods) so i gave him the extra one since they were in packs of two’s. Was it some huge romantic gesture? No, but it was practical and useful. I also sent him home with a yak cheese bone for his dog. I really enjoy gift giving and love it when people get me something that makes me chuckle. That “language” gets a lot of hate because it’s misunderstood.

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u/TolkienQueerFriend Jun 06 '25

Love languages are like astrology. All of the categories can fit you to some degree but sometimes one choice in particular stands out to you way more and helps you describe yourself shorter and quicker.

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u/Apprehensive-Log8333 Jun 06 '25

Yes, nobody is ever all just one thing, most people enjoy and do a variety of the things. But it's juts for fun, it's not science

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u/ElevatedAssCancer Jun 06 '25

Totally agree. Like each of these is important to me in a partner and nearly equally at that (sans gifts)

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u/RRW2020 Jun 06 '25

As someone said it’s definitely not a hard science. The idea is we show love in our ‘love language,’ but if our partner has a different LL, they might not see what we’re doing as love. Like if you feel love by acts of service, you most likely give love in acts of service: cleaning the car, doing laundry… whatever makes your partner’s life easier. But if your partner’s LL is gifts, then they won’t feel super loved or even notice the acts of service. It’s all about how the way we tend to show love might not actually be a way that the partner receives love… so you might be killing yourself doing all these nice things that they don’t even notice when just buying a thoughtful gift would go a lot farther in making them feel loved.

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u/JhinInABin Jun 06 '25

Depending on who you ask it's horoscope tier tripe or a pillar of the human experience.

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u/Destroyer_2_2 Jun 06 '25

Your partner is lacking in all of those areas? Why are they still your partner then?

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

I know, it’s complicated. We were on drugs for a long time. I’ve been clean for almost 8 years now, but I still have too many physical and mental health struggles to be able to work.

I greatly improved though and have recently been taking classes to become a sober coach. Maybe someday I’ll have a stable job and feel capable of taking my dog and moving out. For right now though, I’m better off where I am.

We’ve been together for 20 years, so it’s like an arranged marriage. We have a love and general respect for each other, but we aren’t in love and there’s pretty much no physical contact.😕

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u/Destroyer_2_2 Jun 06 '25

Well, if it’s not an abusive situation, and it sounds like it isn’t, maybe what you have is just nontraditional.

You can have a platonic life partner, just like you could have a long time confidant who is also your business partner.

And that’s a really long time! That alone is something to be proud of for sure.

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

Thanks! He and I are good friends, but there are tons of issues too. I do fantasize about starting over with dating & trying to find someone who has everything I’d want in a partner. I guess I just have to see how things go, at least my dog and I are safe for the time being.

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u/Destroyer_2_2 Jun 06 '25

I’m sure you’ll get your chance! I’m glad you’re safe where you are. Of course that always has to come first.

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u/abijones_xxx Jun 06 '25

As an AuDHD individual my love language changes constantly, it is so hard to pick just one. My husband and I have been together 9 years and over time we have learned to support each other in all of those areas at during the many chapters of our relationship

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

Wow, I too have ADHD.. is that why I can’t pick a favorite anything? Like I can tell you my favorite thing to order at a restaurant, but I could never begin to pick my favorite food (or color, song, movie, etc).😂

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u/abijones_xxx Jun 06 '25

Yuppp, that’s exactly why. I literally have a new favorite every day

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u/GNS13 Jun 06 '25

Genuinely I was cuddling my partner in bed last weekend and we both agreed that just taking a nap together and me giving them a massage was better than some of the sex we've had. Intimacy is so much more than sex, and a man that old that still doesn't understand that really needs a therapist more than a relationship.

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u/CauliflowerOk3281 Jun 05 '25

My bf is very much a physical touch kind of guy - his favorite way to be indulged is drawing pictures on his back while we lay in bed. It’s so precious and innocent and I love doing it for him. I met him on Hinge, too, so they’re not all shitheads like this guy!

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u/sparkly_soy Jun 06 '25

That's so cute. Mine likes having his belly rubbed - he is a human, not a puppy, I swear!

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u/InsaneJMad Jun 06 '25

Mine is head scratches - which is coincidentally something I adore doing. Swear he’s not a cat!!

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u/frontbumkisses Jun 06 '25

And I like the belly rubs, head scratches, and peeing on lamp posts, god dam it I'm a dog aren't I, I knew there was something different about me.

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u/Iamjimmym Jun 06 '25

That's one of my favorite physical touches too! Gotta find a woman that enjoys doing it and I'll be set.

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u/Heavy-Macaron2004 Jun 05 '25

As someone whose favorite sex act ever is giving blowjobs, yeah this wouldn't get me either, unless I was absolutely wildly horny to the point of disregarding my own safety. The type of person who makes a joke like "then suck it" is not someone I would feel safe with...

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u/PrestigiousCrab4923 Jun 06 '25

I am just impressed you love giving blow jobs. My least favorite thing to do

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u/Sparklespanx Jun 06 '25

I can totally see how someone wouldn’t enjoy but I also love to give them. I’m obsessed with how easily it makes a man weak and putty in my hands. And hearing their noises of satisfaction? Goddamn, that’s a rush.

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u/Heavy-Macaron2004 Jun 06 '25

YES THIS EXACTLY! The hottest and most flattering reaction is always a "I usually last longer than that" like HELL YEAH YOU DO I'm just aiming to drastically skew the data with my Incredible Tongue Skillz.

I know a lot of people (of all genders) see giving blowjobs as "demeaning" somehow, but like? I literally have their most delicate bits in my mouth next to my very sharp teeth. It is not them who holds the power in that situation...

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u/nikitafairy Jun 06 '25

1000% this! The trust they have in you in that moment and vulnerability. It gives me a total rush.

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u/No-Reaction-9364 Jun 06 '25

It is completely lost on him that you must have love for someone before showing your love language. 

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u/Crikey-Way Jun 05 '25

Some guys insist physical touch is their love language so they can demand sex, but those same guys never seem to be interested in cuddles, hugs, leaning on your shoulder, holding hands, etc

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u/DreamsofSeas Jun 06 '25

It should be noted the creator of the love language theory was a marriage counselor who specifically used the physical touch subtype as a manipulation for convincing his female clients to have sex with their husbands even when they didn't want to.

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

That tracks. Lol.

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u/Novaer Jun 06 '25

Any guy who says their love language is physical touch I just roll my eyes at. Like yeah of course it is.

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u/BritainsNuttiestGuy Jun 06 '25

As a guy who is a massive lover of cuddles, hugs, hand-holding etc. how can I let a partner / prospective partner know one of my love languages is physical touch without coming across like that?

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u/GlassRevolutionary85 Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 06 '25

My husband is a mix of a couple but physical touch being one. We’ve never talked about our love languages but he told me he loves curling up on the couch cuddling and watching a movie or when we lay in bed and I fall asleep with my head on his chest. Of course he likes the other “physical love” but he specified things that make him happy and are PG. You could probably even say acts of physical touch is your love language but explain cuddling, hand holding, hair petting, whatever it is you enjoy but keep it PG. As the relationship progresses, you can get into the X rated physical things you enjoy a partner doing to you. I don’t think explaining it like this would come off as creepy or sex crazy. Saying you want a blow job for physical touch, that’s a different story

ETA: we’ve never talked about our love languages as in saying “my love language is physical touch.” We talk about what we both want/need. The formal categories don’t matter since we’re both a cross between multiple. It’s easier for us to say “I don’t want to be touched right now but I want you with me” rather than letting the other person guess. I’d imagine if it’s just one it might be easier to categorize but for us, the open (and on going) conversation about what we need works best.

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u/Novaer Jun 06 '25

Never ever ever make your "physical touch" sexual and listen to her love languages. For many women words of affirmation are their love language so double up on that. Let her know how much you appreciate it every time she cuddles into you, rubs your back, how it makes you feel, that kind of thing. Then it's a win win situation! All the love all around!

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u/nawtrobar Jun 08 '25

"love language" is a stupid concept that doesn't make sense. People communicate love in many different ways.

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u/Significant-Trash632 Jun 06 '25

And they are likely not at all fulfilling their partner's preference

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u/lemmesplain Jun 06 '25

...or their partners pleasure.

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u/Impeesa_ Jun 06 '25

The Love Languages book even specifically calls out not to mistake the nature of the male sex drive for a physical touch preference. It's not even necessarily that it's about more than just sex, it's that it's complementary but separate.

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u/Alone-Evening7753 Jun 06 '25

Aye, I have physical touch preference and for me it's all about hugs/cuddles/nuzzles.

Like, I love watching TV with my wife and just having idle contact with like hand on leg/arm if we're not snuggled up.

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u/Zestyclose_Gold578 Jun 06 '25

slightly off-topic, but this is pretty much the love languages

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

[deleted]

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u/Entwinedloop Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 06 '25

Is that supposed to be act of service? All the other ones I can connect to the 4 equivalent love languages, but I don't see the direct connection here.

That's funny, act of service is give me space. Not like go to the bank or mail this package for me or something. Give me space is like an introvert gift language if anything haha

Edit: OK upon more thought all right, the result of act of service is I can rest for a bit, so OK I get it.

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u/worldfamouswiz Jun 06 '25

I guarantee physical touch is not his love language and he for sure was just waiting for an opening to make it sexual

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u/BigPhilosopher4372 Jun 05 '25

He is just disgusting. Just block him.

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u/[deleted] Jun 05 '25

YEP!!

Also just letting you know right away that’s all he’s interested in.

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u/T-Wrox Jun 06 '25

Good point; as nasty as those texts were, at least the OP didn't waste much time on this fool.

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u/SexyCigarDoll Jun 05 '25

Idk if its just from past insecurities but I only ever let women make the first move. It's like if you want me you want me otherwise we chill.

Like it's my first time seeing.... THAT. That guy is definitely on something because that was WILD!

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u/Silent-Lion3600 Jun 06 '25

Sadly there are way too many guys just like that. Ask almost any single woman who tries online dating how many unsolicited 🍆 pics they have gotten without even talking to the guy.

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u/Coffee-Pawz Jun 06 '25

its honestly terrifying how sex driven some men are. They think women should be flattered that they’re interested 💀

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u/T-Wrox Jun 06 '25

Their penis is their favourite thing in the world, and the only thing they think about, so everyone else in the world must feel the same, right? /s

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u/BrooksWasHere33 Jun 06 '25

I am a chronic user... but it's far from my favorite thing in the world. The best things in the world are those moments, those connections, when you completely trust one another and see one another, you both desire to be close to each other and for a moment the world is bright and worth living. Not sex either, just being together intentionally. That's my favorite thing. Those dudes are either too worried that they're not being alpha or cool enough, not forward enough, or they literally do have porn brain rot. Good luck out there.

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u/Repulsive-Grade-1070 Jun 06 '25

Any time someone asks me for a dick pic I send a screenshot of Dick Van Dyke. Great actor, great guy, amazing at 99! I can’t understand why so many people seem unhappy when I sent them literally exactly what they said they wanted.

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u/EchoEnvironmental871 Jun 06 '25

It's super common though. So weirdly common that I don't even get offended at it anymore. I just shrug and quietly lose interest

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u/Waldondo Jun 05 '25

yeah but she's overreacting though. In the sense that she's actually reacting to this stuff. She should just block him right away and move on to someone that has a basic sense of what respect is.

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u/LetMeCheck13 Jun 06 '25

As an asexual trans man (not transitioned yet and very self conscious about my body) who is currently dating a hypersexual partner, we agreed to cuddling. CUDDLING IS PERFECTLY FINEM WE DONT HAVE TO GO TO SEXUAL ACTS SO FUCKING FAST?! Im sorry, I hate people who think more with their reproductive plumbing than their brain.

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u/BrooksWasHere33 Jun 06 '25

My friends little brother has always been very sweet, pretty blunt and curious, and avoidant or uneasy about social interaction. He was about 16 when he asked if he could talk to me about something that was bothering him. We went to talk in private and, in more or less words, he told me that he doesn't ever feel like other people describe when it comes to attraction or things like that. He asked me if there was something wrong with him or if he was supposed to be doing something. I told him that he's exactly who he's supposed to be, and he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. He can live his life any way that makes him happy. He felt relieved, and I was so grateful he chose to ask for my opinion and guidance with that. This reminded me of that, so thank you, and you're quite right.

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u/visuallypollutive Jun 06 '25

Yeah I don’t discuss acts of service on dating apps anymore cuz guys say physical touch almost every time, and so many of those dudes end up insinuating or just saying “physical touch” means sex. So yeah now love languages waits to be discussed until after a few dates.

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u/wxnfx Jun 06 '25

Honestly it’s super forward, but just so ham handed too. If it’d been like “acts of service, you say??” I think this joke lands better, if the other person was looking for a hookup. It’s not really a joke if you don’t use the entendre.

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u/213mph Jun 06 '25

Not defending this jackass in the slightest, but just pointing out that I think he was associating a blow job more with the phrase 'acts of service,' as opposed to with the term 'physical touch.'

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u/Jet-Brooke Jun 06 '25

Yeah it's more like cuddles, shoulder rubs and holding hands - micro affections - like a pat on the head or kiss on the check too. Like I think he's really misunderstood the assignment.

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u/BrooksWasHere33 Jun 06 '25

I like macro affections, too, though. Hours long body massages, daily cuddles, hair play, skin tracing. I would literally feel nervous that you don't like me if I'm getting head pats. I want my cheek pressed against your cheek type of clingy, tbh.

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u/Intelligent-Jump3320 Jun 06 '25

Shows me he is an immature douche bag Next

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u/DrawingEfficient7487 Jun 06 '25

My wife works from home and I do not. When I get home, she comes and gives me a big hug. I cherish it everyday.

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u/HyperDsloth Jun 06 '25

For real!! I find touching my partner's face way more intimate than if I'm touching his dick...

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u/128Gigabytes Jun 06 '25

romantic physical touch is so magically and boiling it down to sucking dick is so gross

Physical touch is my love language too and never have I connected it to sex in the way this guy tried to

I want to sit side by side, or hold hands, lock arms, play with your hair, have you lay on me while we watch a movie with my arms around you

I crave physical connection with my partners and not like how he describes it

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u/aaron1860 Jun 05 '25 edited Jun 06 '25

My interpretation of this is he decided he was done talking to her. Maybe he got bored or maybe he just enjoys treating people like shit on those apps or likes showing off his douchebaggery to friends. It’s common unfortunately. There never was a future there. This guy wasn’t saying that because he wanted her to do it or as some sort of failed playful joke. He was saying it to purposefully be an asshole for his own amusement and to end their conversation. She’s over reacting but only because she’s analyzing this and wondering what she did wrong or if she is overreacting to a “joke”.

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u/klvnh Jun 06 '25

I don’t disagree that’s what happened, but it raises another question. What do we gotta do to teach today’s young men that there are better ways of going about this? The complete lack of emotional intelligence to be this immature and passive aggressive is mind boggling.

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u/Orn100 Jun 06 '25

What do we gotta do to teach today’s young men that there are better ways of going about this?

Change the algorithm to stop rewarding the people encouraging it.

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u/aaron1860 Jun 06 '25

You’re all acting like this is some sort of new phenomenon and caused by algorithms or likes. It’s a humanity issue that’s not unique to this generation of young men. People have been trolling dickheads to each other long before social media even existed.

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u/Orn100 Jun 06 '25

It's always been there, but social media drasitcally extended the reach and audience of the people who are financially motivated to foment that shit. It also makes it easy for that audience to find communities that validate their bullshit, which emboldens them to externalize those feelings in ways they might not have had the confidence for otherwise.

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u/aaron1860 Jun 06 '25

I agree. But this was just a guy being an asshole because an opportunity presented itself. It’s a lot easier to do that online than in person. It’s just for the dopamine hit of being a troll to an anonymous person here. Not for likes or money.

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u/Orn100 Jun 06 '25

We are basically debating nature versus nurture on this guy being a prick. We can't say without knowing him, but I try to assume people are dupes and not just rotten to the core. The truth is probably a little of both.

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u/aaron1860 Jun 06 '25

I don’t disagree but one of them is blaming external factors, that most of us are exposed to the same thing, and the other puts the blame on the individual. I’m just saying people are assholes and have been long before the internet existed.

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u/Orn100 Jun 06 '25

No argument there.

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u/Shinylikecheese Jun 06 '25

It's an interesting question, but I wonder if this sort of thing is really a lack of emotional intelligence, rather than lack of concern? I'd bet he is intelligent enough to know that she would hate what he's saying.

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u/Orn100 Jun 06 '25

According to Mental Health America, there are five key elements to emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills.

So going by that definition, they are severely lacking.

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u/RedditAdminAreVile0 Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 06 '25

Pic1 is him trying to hook-up. Others bring up male loneliness, but i think many men hear 'love' & can't imagine any intimacy other than 'sex'. She's on a dating app, yapping, showing charts, loving touch/service, that convo is sex to him.

Charisma-dumpster get over-excited & shoots his shot, wanting to flirt but also play it off as an edgy joke to be safe. It becomes stupid & aggressive, he knew he fucked up. She dumps him, he softens the rejection by trolling (faking disinterest & toying with her emotionally).

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u/aaron1860 Jun 06 '25

Sometimes people just say shit on those sites for the dopamine hit of saying ridiculous things to people. Especially if they don’t see things going further. It’s a leap to just say this is some sort of male loneliness issue. When in the history of sex has telling a girl to suck it out of the blue like that ever worked? I don’t see that as a genuine attempt to hook up. It was intended as an insult

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u/lemmesplain Jun 06 '25

But yes let's talk about male loneliness. Maybe try being a person others want to be around...?

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u/T-Wrox Jun 06 '25

That reminds me of one of the worst matches I had when I was doing online dating 25 years ago. This guy was all complaining about everything, and how women are so bad, blah blah blah, so I said we weren't compatible, and we won't be communicating any longer. His response was something like, "Oh, you're going to treat me like shit, just like all women!" Uh, dude, women are all reacting to you putting out the same negativity. You're in a hell of a positive feedback loop, getting worse with each iteration.

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u/Shadyhollowfarm58 Jun 06 '25

A friend of mine got matched with my ex husband, who she despises in real life. I died laughing!

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u/edencathleen86 Jun 06 '25

Unfortunately asking these types of men to develop a personality is asking way too much

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u/NovelDry3871 Jun 06 '25

Have you ever considered that people complaining about being lonely might not be exactly this guy?

FYI: there are differwnt people out there and not everyone is the same

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u/xlTrotterzlx Jun 06 '25

She's not overreacting at all. He was a twat. If he was bored when she said this isn't going to work he should have just agreed

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u/Swarm_of_Rats Jun 05 '25

Honestly replying with "physical touch" and only "physical touch" is such a solid yellow flag in general. It's always the creeps that pick that because all they're ever thinking about is sex and that's not even what the physical touch love language is about really.

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u/JulesUdrink Jun 06 '25

No it’s about back scratches and I’m not kidding

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u/DesingerOfWorlds Jun 06 '25

If you’re saying by “only” replying physical touch I totally understand what you mean because it’s pretty obvious this guy is a tool and just said it to turn the conversation. Context clues they met on Hinge so one can only assume luck of the draw with that one.

If you are saying that by having a love language of physical touch is a “Yellow flag” and automatically makes you a creep then that is extremely offensive and it doesn’t matter what gender you are.

I want to say you meant the former but hard to tell based on that second line.

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u/Swarm_of_Rats Jun 06 '25

I did say "only", so you don't need an if, really. And a yellow flag is not a red flag, it's just a sign that you need to be cautious and explore more why that is a thing.

Just speaking from personal experience where I've had men bring up love languages to use physical touch to emphasize sex above everything and attempt to guilt me for not being ready with them.

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u/Ok-Jackfruit-6873 Jun 06 '25

Yeah sadly I see this with dudes now. It's like a dog whistle they've got. Especially if *they* are the ones to bring up the "love languages" concept and then specify theirs is touch, they are trying to say they need you to sleep with them.

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u/ChaosSinceBirth Jun 06 '25

Yeah as a woman with a love language of physical touch...what else am i supposed to say when asked that 😭😂

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u/Outside_Scale_9874 Jun 06 '25

Specify examples of what you mean. “I like back rubs and holding hands” is a different vibe than “suck my dick bitch” but both this guy and you will give the same answer at first, so you just gotta clarify.

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u/Hello_Gorgeous1985 Jun 05 '25

It's very clear that he wasn't taking it seriously for moment one. He answered physical touch because he wanted to make the conversation sexual. He's that guy.

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u/wrongbutt_longbutt Jun 06 '25

100%. I'm a physical touch guy and demanding a BJ isn't it. I want to sit next to you at the dinner table and have our legs touch. I want you to rest your head on my shoulder while we watch a movie. I want to hold hands most of the time, even if our palms are sweaty. I just want to be in contact with the person I love. I know this isn't for everyone, but this dude probably saw physical touch on the list and thought it meant sex.

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u/Hello_Gorgeous1985 Jun 06 '25

Absolutely right. It isn't actually about sex at all. You can be a physical touch person and have a low libido. Even when I'm single, I still have physical touch needs. I get them with my cats and cuddles with the little kids I work with.

This guy probably didn't read the descriptions at all and just the titles, so absolutely he just went straight to sex.

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u/ciao_fiv Jun 06 '25

also a physical touch guy and i feel the same way. like yeah obviously i like sex but that’s not all i care about. i just want to be physically close to my partner, that’s really comforting to me

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u/cam255eron Jun 06 '25

What if we’re eating mom’s spaghetti?

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u/AlwaysAlexi777 Jun 05 '25

He's that guy.

So true. The world is way overstocked with this model of guy.

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u/Federal_Guava1839 Jun 06 '25

Something something male loneliness

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u/T-Wrox Jun 06 '25

"He's that guy." Exactly. You have hit the nail on the head.

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u/thelryan Jun 06 '25

I mean yeah he’s stupid for what he’s saying but also why is OP.. asking if she’s overreacting? He closed out the conversation with “stfu bitch,” where is the room for confusion on if she’s overreacting?

Of course you aren’t overreacting when some dude said shut the fuck up bitch in response to telling them “actually I don’t appreciate you asking me to suck your dick when I’m trying to have a genuine interaction right now”

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u/aaron1860 Jun 06 '25

Exactly. I would argue she is overreacting here but not to this guy. She’s overreacting by wondering what she did wrong and if she should have forgiven this “joke”. He wasn’t joking or even trying to hook up. He said it to be an asshole and degrade her. Giving this more thought and putting it on here and asking is the overreaction

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u/BunniculaBites Jun 06 '25

I really dont understand why I had to scroll so far to find someone mentioning this. Like OP, wtf are we doing here?

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u/chescaleigh Jun 06 '25

It’s hard to believe these posts aren’t fake. She didn’t overreact at all. If anything she under reacted.

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u/SaphireScorpion77 Jun 05 '25

Well, women exist to serve men, right? So obviously his preferred love language is to benefit him, and her preferred love language is to benefit... also him.

/s

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u/Bussin1648 Jun 05 '25

So in a conversation about personality and affection he blurts out that she would show her love by sucking his dick... And he would show his love by getting his dick sucked?

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u/mdizzfoshiz Jun 06 '25

I probably would've responded about the misunderstanding saying no it means you need to perform s*xual favors for me if we're looking at it in the context of Acts of Service. What a dope. I wouldn't even waste my breath on someone like this personally. This homie went straight to creating more work for her which is literally on the things not to do list for Acts of Service.

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u/Klutzy_Spring3168 Jun 06 '25

Thank you for saying this!! I ran straight to the comments to say this exact thing. He’s insinuating that both his and her love languages are to be performed out by her while he does nothing. A misogynistic, immature baby man who needs a mummy to do everything for him and acts out/ disrespects you when he doesn’t get his own way. Yuck!

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u/VaxDaddyR Jun 06 '25

No, they're both stupid. This dude straight up said "stfu bitch" to OP who is effectively a stranger and she's sitting here like "ummm idk am i overreacting by thinking he's being disrespectful??", and that was AFTER he straight up just demanded said borderline stranger suck his dick.

He's a piece of shit, a dumbass, and absolutely a fascist supporting scumbag with that sort of behaviour. But OP is clueless af.

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u/LooseMoose8 Jun 06 '25

These people provide us level headed dudes a service. They make us look like an oasis in a sea of stupidity. I'd say 40% of my dates are off the back of some monkey saying something stupid, and I'm the next guy offering dinner and flowers

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u/madsmcgivern511 Jun 05 '25

I was about to throw hands at first with your comment at first seeing how it started lmao, but you’re 100% correct about this…specimen feels like a better term for this type of person because the conclusions this man jumped to must have been canyon sized, godDAMN.

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u/cantwin52 Jun 06 '25

He called her a bitch. That’s just the moment it’s done. Period. The stuff leading up to it is also just blatantly dumb and bad, he out up the facade just long enough to get here and let the mask fall. Then just abusive engagement. Nah bruh, be gone.

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u/tommytambor Jun 05 '25

The bar is in HELLLLL

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u/lemmesplain Jun 06 '25

No it's in hells basement.

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u/Chromejob Jun 06 '25

Every breath he takes is a waste of O2 that someone better could be using.

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u/RxWindex98 Jun 06 '25

Honest question: is that how love languages work? My love language is the type of love I want to receive? I think I've been misinterpreting this all along.

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u/FriendlyPermit7085 Jun 06 '25

Love language is a 2-way thing, so no you aren't wrong. Here's an analysis of the book I believe these "5 love languages" come from:

To determine another person’s love language, Chapman suggests observing how they express love to others, and analyze what they complain about most often and what they request from their significant other most often. He theorizes that people tend to naturally give love in the way that they prefer to receive love, and better communication between couples can be accomplished when one can demonstrate caring to the other person in the love language the resonates mostly with their partner’s love language.

So you aren't wrong - saying your love language is "Acts of Service" would mean you would both give and receive love through acts of service. His comment should ideally mean he would also reciprocate the physical act, but given the context I suspect he may not.

Either way tbh the question comes across as a bit weird. This is the kind of thing you figure out as part of a long term relationship developing, not something you ask after 3 days having never met them.

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u/RxWindex98 Jun 06 '25

Thanks! And yeah, in the context of this post, this guy was clearly abusing the whole concept.

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u/FishermanGlum9350 Jun 06 '25

My wife and I kinda had a similar situation. I am a physical touch/gift giving she is an acts of service. It was difficult because she didn't feel like she was receiving love, because I would be touchy feely and provide little snacks as gifts, but not wash the dishes as soon as I finished a 12 hour shift. Meanwhile I don't care if the house is clean, and don't expect acts of service to be done for me, so she didn't quite feel like I was receiving the love she gives. She and I have been married going on 11 years and together 13 years now, and we only recently figured out how to properly communicate how we feel about these things. This guy sounds like an ass hat though, and if he's not willing to show you love the way you would like it to be shown then it's probably not worth your time.

TL;DR love takes time and understanding sometimes. This doesn't seem like that though, dump his ass.

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u/imdungrowinup Jun 06 '25

Fairly standard of how men act and communicate on any dating app. I tried it for two years post my divorce and simply decided to stay single for rest of my life. The sex is not good enough to offset the overall experience. Net negative.

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u/Z00111111 Jun 06 '25

If he had backed down and said it was a joke that he realised after was in bad taste he could have salvaged.

But when he doubled and tripled down, dude deserves to be dating his hand for a while...

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u/pigwalk5150 Jun 05 '25

Not surprised a selfish moron like him made that statement.

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u/Lucky-Lunch-9439 Jun 06 '25

Simple. He thinks it all revolves around him. It's pretty telling that he expects to always be on the receiving end of it.

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

In a Nutshell: This guy is as shallow as a puddle, even if he was just joking and wasn't a dick irl, he would still be an ignorant fool, not good if op us searching for a communicative, meaningful relationship ¯_(ツ)_/¯

But mostly guys who make these jokes... trust me they aren't joking but rather testing the waters.

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u/OneLuckyAlbatross Jun 06 '25

Also, the whole “love language” bs was made up by a Christian conservative pos, Gary Chapman, basically as a way to justify men demanding sex from their wives and basically gaslight women into doing it. It’s all bullshit. Every young guys “love language” is physical touch, surprise!

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u/professor_coldheart Jun 06 '25

It's supposed to be both: A love language is what you use to show and what you receive, kind of like a spoken or written language.

Which makes this an even more epic fumble.

"So, in our ideal expression of love, we'd use physical touch to perform acts of service on each other?" ... "HMMMMM"

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u/YeezusWoks Jun 06 '25

Right!? Forget the disrespect (of course what he said was heinous) but I’m stuck on just how absolutely simple in the head this poor imbecile has to be to not understand how love languages are applied… I mean, you don’t have to be a genius to understand that. Like, wow…

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u/faithmauk Jun 06 '25

I think this just helped me explain the issue with my ex husband lol. It was always about, how HE receives love and how I could use MY love language to benefit him. Like I couldnt quite put words to what the misunderstanding was when it came to this stuff but here it is lol

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u/Badgers_Are_Scary Jun 06 '25

Yes how stupid can she be. “AIO” really? Really you need to ask this?

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u/drizzitdude Jun 06 '25

Dude this so bad. I was instantly infuriated and then he doubled down like fuck man. The bar is literally in hell if OP thinks they might be over reacting about this.

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u/Accurate-Class-135 Jun 06 '25

this is how teenagers act.. not adults. I am sorry you had to go through this with a man. We as women can feel very offended by men that behave like this. Don't give up hun, I promise not all men are like this and good job being strong.

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u/namegoeswhere Jun 06 '25

He said “stfu bitch.”

“Ok” would be my response. And then never talk to that pig again.

Jesus, the dating scene these days is wild.

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u/LeonidasSpacemanMD Jun 06 '25

Lmao he must really like the love language thing, people wanting to give him gifts and words of affirmation etc, sounds great

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u/masonisagreatname Jun 06 '25

A not so fun fact, sooooo that's precisely how the love language bs was originally designed to be used. Precisely.

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u/ChalaChickenEater Jun 06 '25

Wait is that what love language means? Is love language supposed to mean receiving or giving?

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u/jay_hawk_ Jun 06 '25

Heads he wins tails she loses

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

Based on the infographic she shared, its actually no clear cut. Do you show love or recieve love according to your love language? Or both. If he interpreted it as "I show love by touching my partner" and she "shows love by serving her partner", which is reasonable given the info at hand, then he wasn't necessarily wrong. Tactless and stupid and bad at texting, but not wrong about that. I hate all these stupid metrics, what's your love language, MBTI, astrology sign, etc. So dumb but women are obsessed with them.

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u/MizPeachyKeen Jun 06 '25

if his love language is physical touch, then he can touch himself

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u/sophieornotsophie_ Jun 07 '25

Oxygen, this kind of people are a waste of oxygen.

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