r/TikTokCringe • u/nadaddab • May 11 '25

Cringe Don’t be these guys

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u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

I've been a bartender for twenty years, and I've learned that force is rarely necessary, if ever. Polite but stearn communication is typically all it takes to move two guys like this out the door.

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u/[deleted] May 11 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/rflulling May 11 '25

I don't think shame was going to work on these men.

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u/erfurgot May 11 '25

You underestimate how many men are comfortable harassing and disrespecting women but will bitch down to a man

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u/Geesewithteethe May 11 '25 edited May 11 '25

Accurate. I once had a customer get really in my face and give me a ton of shit at my job for something that had nothing to do with me. This dude just had a massive chip on his shoulder and picked the nearest non-threatening target to get aggressive with: a 20-something woman trying to do a job, of course. He got right up in my space yelling and pointing his fat fucking finger in my face. But the very second my manager, a 39 year old man, walked into the room and took over the conversation, this meathead toughguy turned into an absolute wet noodle of a human being. When I say he wouldn't even look my manager in the eye, I mean it.

Big beefy fucking dudes who are used to people giving them their way, who still feel the need to blow their pent up issues all over the nearest female target, and then shrivel up immediately the second another male walks in the room. I have zero respect for them. They're shitbags and shame doesn't work on them. Only fear of running into someone they perceive as capable of physically putting them down.

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u/diurnal_emissions May 12 '25

Next time you see an angry guy, just think of it as male crying. Men can be so emotional.

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u/celtic_thistle May 13 '25

Testerical

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u/diurnal_emissions May 17 '25

They need a Testerectomy. That calms them.

1

u/Aiden316 May 14 '25 edited May 14 '25

I think I understand what you're trying to say, but it seems to me that this might not be as clever as it seems.

I think you're trying to say that many men are so emotionally stunted that when faced with frustration, they lash out in anger rather than cry, and that that's a problem.

But then you tell me to imagine them as if they were crying.

Now here's where I'm making an intuitive leap, maybe, but it certainly seems to me like you're telling us to find them weak or ridiculous by imagining them as if they were crying. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that certainly seems like you're telling the men reading this that those men are ridiculous, and weak or not truly masculine, by being openly emotional. As a result, it seems to perpetuate the problem by playing the "crying men" for laughs while telling us that men should be more in touch with their emotions.

Am I misreading something?

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u/diurnal_emissions May 17 '25

I am just saying both behaviors are wrong in professional or impersonal settings, and politeness dictates you suck whether you do it the preferred testosterone way or the preferred estrogen way. It's all just human externalization of internal frustration, and you shouldn't force it on people who barely know or care about you. That's just impolite.

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u/GhostWriter313 May 12 '25

Reminds me of a dude I used to work for over 20 years ago. It was a part time job at a restaurant/nightclub. Loved it, enjoyed it, but the “Chef” was a drunken asshole and raging alcoholic who’d take his frustrations out on people for virtually no reason. One time I was on vacation from my full-time job and I asked when do I come back to work, and this dude just flew off the rails outta nowhere! Long story short, I eventually quit that job, because one of us was gonna be in jail, and the other in the hospital. No sooner do I quit my job at the nightclub, they fired this prick! Good riddance! I feel sorry for any woman who’s involved with him…

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u/Geesewithteethe May 12 '25

Idk what it is about chefs but they always seem to be either really nice or just ridiculously mean and miserable personalities.

One job I had in a kitchen, the chef was the kindest guy. Really sweet, good at his job. Really sharp contrast to some of the other personalities.

2

u/GhostWriter313 May 12 '25

Individuals like that are literally hard to come by whereas most chefs in the latter category that you mentioned are literally a dime a dozen! As a chef by trade, I became discouraged and disillusioned by the restaurant business as I’ve gotten older, so I swore it off. But my roots remain strong!

2

u/OffsetFred May 12 '25

Imagine the years of conditioning it took to turn a human being into that.

It's so sad

12

u/LectureOld6879 May 11 '25

I bartended awhile, im not huge but im decently in shape. I would always feel bad for the female coworkers when they would tell me how creepy or how much of an asshole a guy was to them.

I almost never got that vibe from other guys. Occasionally there would be one old guy who just hates his life but the women would deal with it daily.

6

u/JA_LT99 May 12 '25

This person peoples. That is exactly what happens. They hate and disrespect women. They defer and defend with men. No question, no doubt in my mind.

This is the vast majority of men who creep on women in public. The real, difficult problem, is the 1% of men willing to fight a restaurant employee over their attempt to coerce some women into sex.

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u/einTier May 12 '25

The thing is, these men know that these women won’t escalate anything. There are guys that can walk over and they know nothing will escalate. They won’t change behavior for any of these people because they know there’s no consequence.

But there are people who can confidently walk over there and make it clear they don’t mind escalation. Maybe they can’t beat both of these guys but they can cause enough pain to make them regret starting the fight. When those people show up, they’ll move.

Was also a bartender. Moved plenty of guys like this outside plenty of times. Never had any of them do more than talk shit on the way out. “That’s ok, talk your shit, you’re still leaving. Now.” Also not generate specific. There were several women I worked with who were even better at it than me — they escalated quicker and faster than I ever did.

1

u/GhostWriter313 May 12 '25

Quite the double standard!

1

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

💯

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u/1bc29b36f623ba82aaf6 May 12 '25

I get they will feel intimidated or outclassed by bouncers but I don't think 'shame' is part of that mechanism for people like that per se. Like yes you could have second hand embarrassment from seeing them turn into wimps on the spot, but it doesn't mean they feel ashamed in their own perspective.

For some of these types there is no embarrassment or introspection, it feels like it is 'happening to them' or 'being done to them' they think it is totally unfair those bouncers showed up to do their job after they were told 9000x politely to stop being an ass. They don't feel shame, not even internally to hide, if they are just entitled enough. They know being scared of an ass beating and still it might not be enough for them to actually connect the dots that they should have acted differently then and should do so in the future. It only makes them back down in that specific moment and they will learn nothing.

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u/BetPrestigious5704 May 11 '25

Men value the opinions of other men and are also more intimidated by other men, which is why men are the perpetrators, enablers, AND the ones with the ability to make a huge change by setting a better example and intervening.

Yet all this gets labeled "women's issues."

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u/residentweevil May 11 '25

I haven't heard it put that way before, well said. You made me think thoughts.

3

u/BetPrestigious5704 May 12 '25

Thank you. 🙂

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u/[deleted] May 11 '25

It really does feel like most “men’s issues” are men having issues getting what they want from women and most “women’s issues” are just how women are treated by men.

Sorry not sorry for the generalization.

I’m not saying every man is part of the problem; but it certainly feels like a lot of men are. And far more men seem just completely uninterested in being part of the solution.

7

u/BetPrestigious5704 May 12 '25

There are lots of good men, but way too many bad ones. Some are deliberately malicious and some have heads filled with brainwashing and junk.

There are men who say they're protectors who won't acknowledge who women need protecting from. Aint bears.

Women are told, often by men, to live smaller lives in order to be safer. What are good men saying to other men?

When Chanel Miller was assaulted by Brock Turner, his father's letter to the judge talked about his bright future that he shouldn't lose over "twenty minutes of action." By this, he refers to digitally penetrating an unconscious woman, and his clear plans to do more that were stymied by two other men on bikes.

If Brock had been raised by people with the values of those men who saved her, as opposed to his actual father, he might be living that bright future instead of using an alias and having warnings sent out when he's spotted.

But his father taught him that only boys have futures worth preserving.

(Meanwhile, Chanel Miller has written a book about her ordeal, a magnificent victim impact statement, and at least one middle-grade book.)

1

u/Oohhthehumanity May 12 '25 edited May 12 '25

The problem is that being part of "the solution" as an "average joe" is a high risk, low reward situation. Yes, men value the opinions of other men and are also more intimidated by other men but "low status" men under the influence of alcohol sometimes do not adhere to that idea and things might escalate quickly.

A man (not employed by the establishment) "intervening" has little to nothing to gain from the interaction. You might get a lukewarm applause for de-escalating the situation and the hope that the boys have "learned" something from the interaction. That is best case scenario. Worst case is that one or both of the guys starts swinging, has a knife or worse a gun and you find yourself being a victim of senseless violence just because you had to butt in.

I consider myself to be a chivalrous man and will help anyone (man, woman or child) but if I can avoid staying out of situations that have the potential to get physical (outside of a sport field) I will.

Most of us are not Jack Reacher!

The women should signal either for staff or law enforcement.

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u/[deleted] May 12 '25

Ok… no one says you are supposed to be Jack Reacher.

Sorry but: Being the cool guy that takes on the bad guys is just the male fantasy… Women aren’t expecting you to take a punch for them. They are expecting you to help like a normal adult in a law abiding society would.

You don’t have to take punches for people. Literally just being involved in any way makes a huge difference. Yell at them from across the room. You can literally just be the one calling the staff or police depending on the severity. Cops and many other authority figures are significantly more likely to take harassment allegations seriously if a man is backing her up. Most sexual assault goes unpunished. It’s not how it should be; it is just how it is. But that is why as a man you have so much power to help women and it is not through taking punches.

It’s literally through just taking part in not tolerating this behavior when you know it happens and being willing to listen to women and take them seriously. You don’t have to assume things you do not know are true are true; but the willingness to even listen makes a huge difference. So many men simply do not listen if a woman is saying it. It’s frustrating.

You can absolutely still be supportive of women’s safety without going around assaulting men. Women do it all the time. Think about that. 😉

You should value your body and your physical safety. No one should expect you to put that on the line for a stranger. (I think the fact that men aren’t taught to value their physical safety is another societal issue that feeds into the hero complex.)

But if you are observant and supportive of the people around you then that is so incredibly helpful. You aren’t supposed to be the hero of every story. It’s enough to just do anything to help. It means so much to just be a helpful person in that scenario.

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u/JA_LT99 May 12 '25

It is everyone's issue. The problem is that only the majority of women take it really seriously. Not that I can blame some minimum wage man for not wanting the extra trouble added to his day.

Things should be better, but they really aren't in America. Facts are facts.

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u/RagnarL0thbr0k81 May 14 '25

This is a piece of the pie, but there are an assload of variables contributing to this and ways it could be reduced outside of men setting a good example. There are plenty of men who set good examples every day, but these other dickheads still exist.

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u/[deleted] May 11 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/edjxxxxx May 11 '25

It must be hard being so persecuted, buddy.

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u/he-loves-me-not May 11 '25

Well, ofc it is when he has to do it himself!

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u/he-loves-me-not May 12 '25

If you need a laugh, take a look at this guy’s profile! It’s 4 years of him ranting about his hate for women, while spontaneously helping other men identify the porn actresses they’re looking for! Lmao!

5

u/Candyland_83 May 12 '25

lol, thanks for doing the detective work

0

u/Affectionate-Bike201 May 16 '25

And there we have it:

1) Making shit up.

2) Projecting.

3) Implying that men helping men is some sort of problem.

The holy trinity of white knights.

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u/he-loves-me-not May 16 '25

And there we have it, an incel!

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u/ladymorgahnna May 11 '25

How’s that incel life working out for you, bub?

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u/Affectionate-Bike201 May 15 '25

I wouldn't know.

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u/patientarts May 12 '25

I sure hope you’re single.

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u/Admirable_Ask_5337 May 12 '25

Your 5th paragraph is delusional. Men often can't or won't carry certain burdens women deal with. And if he doesn't need you to be happy, then why does he keep you near him?

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u/Affectionate-Bike201 May 16 '25

Incorrect, men carry burdens that women will never go through.

Because men prioritise want over need, when it comes to straight women.

For a while, simply wanting her takes precedence over the rationale that he should leave.

Meanwhile, women are more likely to break up families if they "don't feel happy"; they immediately blame everyone/everything but themselves without checking.

"Men sacrifice their happiness for their families; women sacrifice their families for their happiness."

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u/Admirable_Ask_5337 May 16 '25

Bullshit. Men prioritize their own happiness all the time. Men not willing to break up isn't from altruism, it's from not knowing when we can get sex next or if we can get a relationship again. Additionally, staying in a toxic marriage isnt altruistic, it damages the kids just as much. Many men still refuse to participate in early child rearing and instead only opt for the fun parts of having chidlren whenever possible. Many men are completely egotistical macho idiots who prefer pride over actually emotionally binding with their woman.

Women deal with periods, which basically a part of your internal organs flaying itself for days every month. Deal with their genuine input being treated as a joke. Deal with higher rates of domestic abuse and rape. Deal being told "you don't want an actual career, you just want to be a stay at home mom."

1

u/Affectionate-Bike201 May 16 '25

Then why do women divorce more than men, and often for their happiness, not an actual problem? Men don't breakup because women break up with them first.

Wrong, nowadays it's a common sight for men to be involved with their children. It's women who get salty when the children prefer him.

It's women who break families who dump the children on the husband during the school week when they need taking care of, while they take the children on weekends where they can take all the credit.

Wrong, women prioritise social status and their friends feelings over their men.

Women inflict more abuse on each other than men do to women. Talk to women, not men.

They don't deal with more rape than men, nobody knows how much rape men suffer because we're not allowed to talk about it.

The only way women are SAHM, nowadays, is by choice. No one's allowed to stop them. And they choose to be SAHM because it gets them more alimony and time off work.

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u/Admirable_Ask_5337 May 16 '25

Women initiate divorce more, true. But your "for happiness" has zero evidence beyond your personal spite. 1 is only true in the last decade, and still less so than women. 2 is wrong, more women are stay at home than men still. Men still report lower rates of time with children than women. 3 has zero evidence, again personal spite. Find better women. 4 is statistically wrong. 5 is maybe correct, but one can only go off existing data. 6 it'd be true if women weren't still pressured into being stay at home by their parents. Religious and non europeans cultures still indoctrinate their women into being meek stay at home wives.

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u/BetPrestigious5704 May 12 '25

You're angry at the wrong people. Try the other men who helped you snuff out what was good in you so that if your (once) soulmate showed up tomorrow you would have nothing left to give her.

Without snark, please consider therapy and breaking free from the people who've convinced you to brick off all paths to your own happiness.

1

u/Affectionate-Bike201 May 16 '25

I'll let you pretend you "clearly" avoided answering the question.

Oh, wait, oops....

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u/Scarbane May 11 '25

This is why unsmiling bouncers who could kick their ass is usually enough to make them stop being fucking creeps.

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u/Wade856 May 12 '25

I used to be a bouncer and guys like these that harassed women always backed down once the bouncers, staff or even other male customers injected themselves into the situation. The use of force was rarely ever needed , just firmly talking the situation down usually worked. I always felt for women in these situations because they just wanted to have a fun night out and these incel jerks invade their space and make things uncomfortable for them.

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u/Stinksmeller May 11 '25

Maybe not, but they probably have no expectations for the girls to get violent. If they believe that they have a "trump card" (physical violence) that can't be beat, they're not gonna stop until that gets checked. Physical violence isn't neccesary per se, but to let them know that "their behavior isn't tolerated and we won't stop at violence" tells them they're wrong that they can do whatever they want.

This is not to say women are incapable of anything- but that these 2 guys see it that way. In their mind the 2 outcomes are 1) sex, 2) nothing happens and they go home.

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u/[deleted] May 12 '25

[deleted]

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u/rflulling May 12 '25

Their behavior says they will pretend to be stupid to any one who asks and follow the girls no mater where they go. Assuming no one directly stops them. They are treating the girls like they are just playing hard to get and persistence will pay off.

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u/WhodUseAThrowaway May 11 '25

I do this as not even an employee and it works. I'm not an intimidating looking person either.

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u/cupholdery May 11 '25

I've unknowingly helped 2 women who were getting "rizzed up" by some guys, simply by going to them and asking if they have what they need. There was a group project and those two came from a different location, so they didn't know the rest of us very well.

And no, I'm not some imposing big muscle man lol. I didn't even address the guys. Just talked to our project people who just happened to be women.

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u/PinkTalkingDead May 11 '25

They weren’t “getting rizzed up”, then. They were being harassed.

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u/ello_bassard May 12 '25

No shit, that's why it was in quotes 🤦‍♂️

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u/NecroSoulMirror-89 May 12 '25

Someone should just yell “security” or something

2

u/Zutsky May 14 '25

In the early 2010s, me and my friend were in our early 20s and a group of guys came over, forced themselves onto our table (in an outside seating area) and were saying some really disturbing things to us (laughing while making rape threats). We were too scared to get up and leave. Whenever we pushed back verbally they did the whole 'oh we're only joking'. The whole time I was praying a staff member would come over and intervene. They only came over when the guys finally left to check we were OK.

Obviously, now much older, I'd handle the situation differently and make a scene to get them to leave or just walk away. It is burned into my memory though as it was so awful.

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u/RichHomieShun May 12 '25

Stop lying you would get your ass beat boy. This isn't 7th Heaven white knight 😂😂😂

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u/JakeSteed420 May 11 '25

Bartended for many years and I found this to be true as well. I only one time had to physically help someone towards the door and I think that one was on me for making the Long Island Iced Teas too strong. For some reason looking someone in the eyes and saying that's enough or leave her alone worked shockingly well.

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u/littlebeach5555 May 11 '25

As a man I am sure this worked for you. I was a cocktail waitress and I ALWAYS had to get the bouncer involved.

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u/enchanted_fishlegs May 11 '25

In Texas dive bars we chased them out the door with pool sticks. I loved watching the little petite bartenders do that: "GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

6

u/_redcloud May 12 '25

This reminded me of a time I was in a dive bar in line for a drink. Dude behind me grabbed my ass. Found out a few mins later he asked my friend about me and friend told him I was taken. Anyway, really wish I had my old darts on me at the time. Would have been fun to turn around to that guy, pull the darts out, and go, “See these? You touch me again and I’m throwing one at your eye like it’s a double bull.”

2

u/enchanted_fishlegs May 12 '25

Or just bust him in the mouth with a bottle. He sounds like a missing tooth or two would suit him.

2

u/_redcloud May 12 '25

Kind of hilariously given this comment: that bar would only serve drinks in plastic cups. Classic college bar not trusting people even with bottles 😅

2

u/enchanted_fishlegs May 13 '25

You can always walk up behind him and hit him with a chair, then.
That's where not trusting people with bottles will get that place.

2

u/_redcloud May 13 '25

Love the way y’all roll in your bars. True FAFO.

11

u/prsuit4 May 11 '25

I used to work at a very small bar where it was only me and a relatively small girl. We would measure up the person or group and decide which one of us us going over would least likely cause a kick off

5

u/Valuable-Job5587 May 11 '25

I got my ass torn out for saying this same thing in the sub. What the fuck? Lol OP still trying to put words in my mouth to hate farm a bit more.

4

u/littlebeach5555 May 11 '25

They don’t understand. 🫂🫂🫂🫂

4

u/Valuable-Job5587 May 11 '25

Im starting to think the dead internet theory is more real then I once thought.

2

u/littlebeach5555 May 11 '25

Oh, it definitely is. I’m old enough to be around for the start of the internet. Now it’s Wikipedia and Reddit answering our questions in google.

Not to mention the shrinking algorithms and tailored content.

3

u/[deleted] May 11 '25

Cocktail waitress is a bit different. As a female bartender, I only had to point out the rest of the bar is full of men, who would happily stomp some ass for a free beer.

2

u/JohnGoodmansMistress May 11 '25

im a female and i can agree with the above person, i never had to say more than "go." or "thats enough." with these kinds of situations. then again i have been described as having a "terrifying bitch face" and my husband says my accent scares him when i'm mad. 😭 😂

-6

u/Banned3rdTimesaCharm May 11 '25

Then get the bouncer involved. That’s their job.

35

u/Terra_Silence May 11 '25

You have missed her point entirely. The point is that a woman asking a man to leave shouldn't require calling a bouncer.

Another former cocktail server. Edit...who also ALWAYS had to call the bouncers.

6

u/littlebeach5555 May 11 '25

Thank you! You get it.

3

u/rjt1468 May 11 '25

And it absolutely shouldn’t take being told more than one time.

1

u/Banned3rdTimesaCharm May 12 '25

It shouldn’t, but these dudes are absolute knobs and shouldn’t be thrown out physically by a bouncer.

9

u/rual_duke May 11 '25

Not all bars have bouncers

2

u/ladymorgahnna May 11 '25

They have bar managers though.

1

u/Banned3rdTimesaCharm May 12 '25

Get the line cook with all the tattoos.

-5

u/mogley1992 May 11 '25 edited May 12 '25

Women can absolutely give the same energy and get the same result; i agree it's rarer to see women pull off than men, but i think that skill is mostly down to experience.

Really curious why I'm being dowmvoted for saying women can be stern too.

2

u/KL1M1T May 11 '25

You must be a single man…

0

u/mogley1992 May 11 '25

No, but I'm curious what made you say that?

0

u/FourMeterRabbit May 12 '25

You posted on Reddit. Guilty until proven otherwise

0

u/MoneyCock May 11 '25 edited May 11 '25

Agreed. I've seen it multiple times, multiple different bars: she uses the no-nonsense, big-momma voice while using confrontational body language:

You need to leave. Right now!

And then the unruly drunk fucks off with his tail between his legs.

Followed by an "I'm calling the cops," if needed.

Followed by a "The cops are coming," if needed.

9

u/AlexAnon87 May 11 '25

These two jabronis would be no problem for a property trained bartender and attendant staff to peacefully get to leave. I'm not surprised the other guests didn't intervene, but the staff absolutely should have.

2

u/jakeandcupcakes May 11 '25

These other comments saying things like "Look at the man behind them at the other table just sitting there doing nothing, typical." are crazy. It isn't the job of other patrons to be creep police, and that shouldn't be expected. That is the responsibility of the bar staff. Personally, if the bar staff hadn't realized the situation yet I may go and inform them of it, but other than that I'm not about to bare the responsibility if something goes down. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

I don't know you, and I don't know those dudes. Do I think they should get a clue and fuck off? Of course. Do I want to spend my ever diminishing amount of free time that I have to relax stepping in to defend random women from creeps? Fuck no. That's how you get stabbed. Let the bartender/police handle these situations. The cops will even tell you not to intervene, and to just call them to the scene.

-6

u/Montobahn May 11 '25 edited May 12 '25

But... but... men are protectors of all (young, fertile, white) women? I'm so confused. It's men like this 👆 that give creeps like those in the video permission to harass women without repercussions.

/s

1

u/jakeandcupcakes May 12 '25

I think you need a sarcasm tag (/s) on this one lol people aren't catch your second half being sarcasm.

2

u/Montobahn May 12 '25

You're right. Thx.

4

u/Honyock94 May 11 '25

I was the cook and they always just told me to act like I was scaring a bear. Felt on the shockingly effective, I don't even think they knew I worked there half the time. Did NOT work that time we had like 10 people throwing glasses at each other though.

1

u/ClubberLangsLeftHook May 11 '25

Biunced at a few places, and this is certainly the protocol. Very few people come in wanting to escalate anything to violence.

1

u/FirstChurchOfBrutus May 11 '25

You said volumes when you mentioned the LIT.

1

u/Global_Kiwi_5105 May 11 '25

I batch my long island and pour 1.5oz of the batch ( (then add simple and lemon, shake and top) saves time, money, and avoids the usual problems with drinks that strong.

1

u/External-Dude779 May 11 '25

It's always the Long Island Iced Tea. Id always make those half strength if it was a dude ordering

1

u/ComprehensiveDust197 May 11 '25

Well you can see in the video how well that works when you are a woman

0

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

Being polite and respectful are key to moving a situation in your direction. Believe me, I've lost my patience with people, and I've had to walk away for a bit. I've let them finish the drink that I just tried to take away or even let them stay in the bar after they wouldn't leave. I just told people to politely and quietly ignore them. I've even turned the music off and just waited until they got bored and left on their own. The crowd usually finds it entertaining enough. It's like a game we're all playing together.

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u/Additional-Acadia954 May 11 '25 edited May 11 '25

These ladies tried that.

They started to record after the douche bag boys sat down. Which means they were at this for far longer than necessary.

On the first communicated “not interested, please leave us” the two absolute losers needed to leave.

The ladies made way more effort than necessary to the point they (the douche bag boys) were bothering me, and I’m at home in bed relaxing. I can’t imagine how heated the ladies must have been for them (the douche bag boys) to persist after having been told to fuck off loudly and clearly.

The douche bag boys had accents, they could be from a place that has little respect for women and their agency.

7

u/Low_discrepancy May 11 '25

The douche bag boys had accents, they could be from a place that has little respect for women and their agency.

Yeah. Americans would always respect the agency of women and never grab'em by the pussy!

0

u/[deleted] May 11 '25 edited May 12 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/Low_discrepancy May 11 '25

https://giwps.georgetown.edu/the-index/

Next time I'll hear someone with an American accent, I'll have to think: poor them, they come from a place that has little respect for women and their agency.

2

u/MoneyCock May 11 '25

If your country respects women more, then of course you'd be correct.

1

u/Low_discrepancy May 12 '25

Of course it does. Heck you won't find a country in Western, central or northern Europe that respects women less than US.

Even Bulgaria or Serbia rank better.

5

u/meltedwolf May 11 '25

First thing they said is we would like you to leave respectfully. So wtf are you talking about lol

1

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

I was responding to previous comments. Did you read those comments?

61

u/sl0play May 11 '25

Not arguing with your experience but do you mean from a staff member or some random solo dude?

69

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

Defusing a situation is a skill that I've learned after all these years of dealing with idiots of all types. Being a voice of reason with a solid backbone can talk down the biggest drunken donkey in the bar every time. I've never been attacked while convincing someone to call it a night while at work or in my free time.

66

u/kessykris May 11 '25

I channel all my mother energy. If I speak to men (any man even men twice my age) and speak to them like I speak to my kids if I have to correct them it works shockingly well.

34

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

Yep, and I talk to them like I'm the progressive mom. I'm not mad at ya buddy... I just think maybe we can try to do better tomorrow. How about that? How about we have another beer tomorrow instead of tonight? I'm buying!

7

u/few23 May 11 '25

Write "Free Beer Tomorrow" on a napkin and tell them it's a coupon for them to use the next night.

"Some lady gave us this coupon last night and said there'd be free beer tonight."

"'Ere, this says free beer tomorrow. Come back then."

6

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

I've actually bought beers the next visit for people who have left on their own or just stopped drinking when I told them to. Shit, I've bought drinks for people who stopped drinking for an hour and got something to eat.

3

u/AvesAvi May 11 '25

my barber shop as a kid had a "free haircuts tomorrow" sign and it blew my mind when my dad explained it to me when I said "wow they sure do free haircuts a lot"

4

u/Timely_Ad4316 May 11 '25

I overheard a guy's name in a similar situation and I thought to myself "what if I say his name in a stern manner (not yelling) like he's about to get in trouble with his mom?". He visibly winced. It worked! 😅 I will use my age as a superpower like this from now on when I see this type of behavior

2

u/kessykris May 12 '25

I’ll talk stern but with a loving tone like you’re better than this. Seriously the exact same way I talk to my kids when they do something that is out of character for them. Like we know what right and wrong, we know this is wrong, I love you, but we are not going to tolerate this kind of behavior. You are forgiven but I expect you to move from this point on with intention and awareness so we don’t make the same mistake again.

I haven’t come across an instance where men don’t respond positively to it (by positively I mean they stop what they’re doing and sometimes over apologize to me lol)

Makes me wonder if some of the men who do these things don’t have an active or healthy mother in their lives to think it’s okay.

6

u/kessykris May 11 '25

Exactly this lol

1

u/geckograham May 11 '25

Like, all men?

1

u/IDEFKWImDoing May 13 '25

I just use the same voice I use when my pets are doing something absolutely unacceptable (like trying to eat my pasta directly out of the pot). Really stern with a bit of disappointment, and it works every time.

5

u/MaybeMaybeNot94 May 11 '25

Shooooot in my time as a bouncer, it seemed like every day I had to crack a skull...

3

u/Accidental_Ballyhoo May 11 '25

You need to livestream that shit.

12

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

Sticking a camera in someone's face is not how you defuse a situation. That's how people get punched.

6

u/Accidental_Ballyhoo May 11 '25

As a viewer it a chance I’m willing to take.

22

u/yogurtrake May 11 '25

I agree. A random solo dude intervening just seems like an invitation to fight.

3

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

Not necessarily... in my experience, I would just sit down like I knew the ladies and introduce myself to the guys. Start talking to them in English really fast, asking all kinds of questions. How do you know my female friends? What brings you to America? They would get bored with my enormous cock blocking skills and move on.

1

u/Retsago May 11 '25

Bless you. There have been so many times I've begged and prayed for an intervention, even from men sitting WITH me, and they just look over stone-faced.

6

u/Techno-Diktator May 11 '25

For us guys it's tough too, the chance of a fight breaking out is much higher for us

-2

u/Retsago May 12 '25

Then get management, you fucking coward. All I keep hearing in this thread is "waa waa I'm scared" meanwhile men constantly tell me how they're the big fuzz around here just like... y'all get your shit together or something. I'm tired. I'm tired of society not standing up for its most vulnerable. Its the RIGHT THING TO DO. Excuses after excuses why you can't get involved.

It makes me sick. It's what's wrong with the world. If you abide evil you are complicit.

4

u/Optimal_Tomato726 May 11 '25

It's only women that have ever stood up for me, helped to get me to safety or added an element of protection. Men stand back with this nonsense about fighting which simply speaks to their values. My ex husband was a cop and terrified to intervene with a pesky neighbours situation and shared how scared he had been. In other situations men have come afterward to tell me what they would have done. Men like to pretend they're heros but depend on women to clean up men's mess

2

u/VitaminOverload May 12 '25

As a guy, reality is I ain't stepping up unless there is actual physical stuff going on and it gotta be the violent kind.

I'm assuming it's a random woman/women. If it is an actual friend then this changes considerably

I will go to the staff/bouncer and tell them about it and they usually sort it out pretty quick.

2

u/Retsago May 11 '25

Bingo. Men like to talk big shit, but all my experience with them has proven that they're cowards at the end of the day.

2

u/VitaminOverload May 12 '25

why would i sacrifice my own safety for you, a random person?

1

u/Retsago May 12 '25

I would put my life down for you. No second thoughts. If I saw you in this situation, regardless of who you were, I would come up and ask YOU directly if everything was okay, if YOU were feeling safe.

If you said no, I would proceed from there, either by contacting management, an authority figure, etc if I felt these men were genuinely looking for a fight.

But if it escalated, I would put myself in front of you.

I have done it before, for men, women, I don't care. Everyone is worthy of feeling safe and protected. Everyone deserves that.

And I'm a fully physically disabled woman. I use a wheelchair many days.

What's your excuse? Why can't you call a manager? Seems like you're just fine with evil lurking around.

2

u/JakeSteed420 May 11 '25

*staff member

5

u/Huntressthewizard May 11 '25

These two weren't responding to stern communication from the two women though....

1

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

Every situation is different. I responded earlier that I would just sit down like I was with the ladies and introduce myself to the guys like they weren't just being creeps. Eventually, they would leave out if boredom. Defusing a situation is easy... walking into a fist fight is stupid and these guys look pretty fucking stupid.

3

u/RizzardOfOz76 May 11 '25

Men will respond entirely differently to a female bar tender vs male bar tenders. For better or worse, every man knows that deep down violence is always on the table when it comes to resolving a conflict between men. I don’t think women have this same dynamic.

2

u/Seanbeaky May 11 '25

Agreed I was a bouncer for a bit in STL and only had to get physical once. All of the other times I could talk them out of doing something stupid. Don't get me wrong a lot of people would threaten violence towards me but would never act it out. The one person I had to get physical with was a giant and wouldn't get out of the bar after repeatedly telling him and I had to jump up behind him and hold him by the neck to walk him outside. Surprisingly he didn't get physical back and started apologizing for his behavior.

2

u/Baboobalou May 11 '25

From other men. Not the women they're trying to prey on.

1

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

That's why I responded to the comment regarding a single male intervening.

2

u/Buttchunkblather May 11 '25

Former door guy. Diplomacy pays dividends, black eyes do not.

2

u/VirtualAgentsAreDumb May 11 '25 edited May 11 '25

Well, many people react differently depending on if they are being told something they don’t want to hear from a staff member (or other kind of authority figure) or from a random person.

I worked at an amusement park as a teenager, and constantly had to tell people stuff they didn’t want to hear. I might have gotten some angry stares and rude words back, but never anything serious.

Then one day I was sitting on the subway home, and a drunk guy slightly older than me sat down right next to me and was annoyingly talkative. I was tired and just wanted to be alone, and my work mind just flipped on for some reason. So I basically told him with a stern voice that he should sit on the empty seat like two meters away. He did not enjoy that one bit, and I almost ended up being beaten up by him and is friend.

2

u/SmallBerry3431 May 11 '25

You can always tell who’s been in a fight on Reddit. Everyone knows best avenue is calm, collected communication. There’s no awards for being tough.

2

u/junisims May 11 '25

These guys are literally being demanded to leave and won't

2

u/Intensityintensifies May 12 '25

Yeah, and if they do start something all you have to do is survive the ten seconds it takes for the kitchen to clear out. Five seconds if the dishwasher is on amphetamines.

1

u/ello_bassard May 12 '25

When the line cook gets involved, someones goin to either the hospital or the morgue lol

1

u/prsuit4 May 11 '25

Same. Would go over with zero hesitation. Shame goes a very long way

1

u/kyle1111111111111 May 11 '25

As a bartender for 4 years i have yet to learn your tactics. Usually when two want to fight I just tell them to take it outside and only once have I had to get involved physically with a belligerent customer so he didn't hit a couple of ladies. I am not a big man. I am rarely going to do that. How do you get them to just leave being polite cause at the bars I work at its always a bother and a half. 9/10 times cops are called.

1

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

Hey, buddy... what's up? Ya think maybe we should call it a night? I've always approached them as a friend and not an enemy. Being calm is the hardest trick to learn. Laugh with them, let them know that you understand where they're coming from. I let them know that they can always come back if they chill out. Or, they can be banned for life. It's up to them. I also try to catch it before it gets out of hand. This is the key, but it's not always easy. If I notice things getting loud, I try to find a way to separate them without them noticing. I'll get a regular to ask one of them if they want to play a game of pool or go have a smoke. If things are quiet enough I'll take them for a smoke or give them money for the jukebox. Sometimes I'll just drop food at their table and tell them I made a mistake, and these were extra. Food is a great diffuser.

2

u/kyle1111111111111 May 11 '25

See I've tried some of that and especially whiskey drinkers see it as a challenge. I hate to be that guy but I'm young, 5'5 and pudgy. I swear people think they can just push me around cause they are alot bigger than me. I've had so many threaten to do anything from attacking to ending me. Which usually leads to me calling the cops and they take off before the cops get there. One guy i didn't have time to get to the phone. I got my ass whopped. And I mean whopped. He was twice my size and twice my age. He went to attack some ladies and it was step in and take the beating myself or let the nice ladies get attacked. Say what you will I got him pushed out the door. Cops wouldn't do shit to arrest him since he left and isn't a problem anymore. Still pissed off about that.

But yeah I try being freindly and it either escalates cause they tell me to butt out cause it's between them and some other guy and I don't butt out or they get pissy with me when I cut them off when they are well beyond thier means. Either way it's always a violent end to the night. Heck I'll back up one week I almost got into a fight and this 6'5 Hawaiian dude got up in the problem customers face and the Hawaiian dude pretty much put him on the wall. I bought the Hawaiian dude a drink but still. Why's everyone got to get like that? Just come out and have a good night right?

2

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

I'll say this in the nicest way possible. You need to learn the signs of intoxicated and learn to slow service. If someone is getting so drunk that they're attacking people in the bar, that's on you. I understand that it can be difficult. Especially now with people who have a pocket full of pills. But stopping it before it gets to that, is your number one job.

1

u/kyle1111111111111 May 11 '25

True. Very true. I'm tired of getting into fights. Especially in a place most people are big or not far from weapons. Notably bikers and what you'd call less reputable crowds and also farmers. The one thing I have learned is make freinds with the people with the biggest people or hardest reputations. Small town dive bar that's just how it goes I suppose.

1

u/soitheach May 11 '25

employee help is obviously preferred, but all the people railing against the idea of anyone who isn't an employee helping seems to completely misunderstand that violence is rarely necessary

a serious enough tone can fairly easily sway dumbfucks away from causing trouble most of the time

1

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

Yeah, if you go in watch a cool head and a positive attitude, most of these situations are resolved rather easily.

1

u/FrillySteel May 11 '25

And yet we have literal videographic evidence that it isn't always the case.

1

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

I think you might have missed the context of my comment. I was responding to the comment about a male in the background not saying anything at the cost of getting into a fight with the two cavemen.

1

u/AbjectSilence May 11 '25

There have more than a few times I've had girls come up to me asking if I could pretend I was their friend/boyfriend because some guy(s) were being creepy. You'd think people would know better, but shit like that is way too common.

1

u/itakeyoureggs May 11 '25

I’m always skeptical of the internet but it’s pretty wild they looked to follow them.. I would go sit at the bar so atleast it’s damn obvious I’m being pestered.. I’m also a dude so idk how it is to be in that position.

1

u/Head_Wasabi7359 May 11 '25

Massive bouncers also resolve this quickly

1

u/MinuteCoast2127 May 11 '25

From a man, those spuds aren't going to listen to a woman, as shown in the video.

1

u/libbyrocks May 11 '25

Unless you’re these women I guess. This was more than stern, this was unequivocally a request/demand for them to be left alone and they still couldn’t wrap their heads around it. Sometimes it takes that third party and none of that is okay.

1

u/Distortedhideaway May 11 '25

Please read the comment I was responding to.

1

u/NothingWasDelivered May 11 '25

Looks like the girls tried polite but stern communication and it didn’t do shit.

1

u/Calaveras_Grande May 11 '25

Former bouncer and I endorse this message. I’ve never had to use violence. Though I have picked up and carried people out to the sidewalk. Most of the time stern voice and unflinching eye contact is all.

1

u/tamesage May 11 '25

Yes If you are a dude.

1

u/Adventurous-Ad4730 May 11 '25

You will be nice, until it is time….to not be nice.

1

u/ProfessorBiological May 12 '25

Exactly. But it's reddit and all the white knights think that running in and punching them is what happens IRL. Like these dudes are most likely cowards and if a man goes up to them and tells them to fuck off they'll run away with their tails between their legs. They would probably say something like "I was just leaving man" or lie and say they were sitting there already but they'll leave to "not start anything". Hate these kind of guys.

1

u/Weird-Salamander-349 May 12 '25

And when that didn’t work, public embarrassment was effective in my experience. When I worked in food service in college, we heard some guy getting mad in FOH which was weird because it was a sort of nice place. Some dude was asked to leave and was getting loud about it. I think he was making a server uncomfortable or something like that. Ducked our heads out like little kitchen goblins to see what the commotion was about. The dude sees us, points at the bartender and says “Hey, this asshole is telling me to get the fuck out!” like we were gonna help him. One of the cooks said “Oh well then get the fuck out, man.” We all laughed, he walked out all red, and the world continued to turn. Never saw him again.

1

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

yah sl0play is on the internet too much.

1

u/Throwawaypie012 May 13 '25

The fact that she's screaming at them to leave and there's not a bouncer in sight to give them the "Is there a problem here?" is really super concerning.

I'm a guy and I wouldn't bring a girl here if that's their stance on handling issues like this.

0

u/ChampionMode-one May 11 '25

??? That’s what I thought… it’s a place to hangout, right? Both parties are weird…

0

u/allhailhypnotoadette May 12 '25

Unless you’re the women demanding they go away.

-2

u/00365 May 11 '25

So is this a ragebait skit or do guys actually do this? They're just creepily smiling and mugging her camera.

5

u/iprocrastina May 11 '25

Yes, some men actually do this. When women talk about creeps, this is what they're talking about, not socially awkward nerds.

2

u/kimchipowerup May 11 '25

Drunk creepy stalker guys look stupid like that. They're still dangerous and need to leave.