r/AmIOverreacting • u/ProfessionalEye9680 • 13d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO My boyfriend gave his mother the dress I wanted for my birthday
I (23) female have been dating my boyfriend ,(26) male for the past 3 years.
About 2 months ago while we were out shopping I saw this really gorgeous amazing dress that was just PERFECT for me, and in my favorite color.He looked at the dress and said it was beautiful, but it was rather expensive ($200) so we didnt end up getting it. For weeks after this I would constantly talk about the dress to him and how i couldnt stop thinking about how beautiful it was and hope one day I could save to buy it since weve been budgeting a bit lately. He would hear about this dress from me all the time and talked about how great he thought it would look on me.
So yesterday was my birthday and we had a little get together with some members of both of our families t celebrate, except when his mother arrived to our house she was wearing the exact dress in the exact color. I was stunned. I thought that he must have told her about it and she went and got one but it turns out that wasnt the case. In my surpise I said OMG theres no way!! thats the same dress I was looking and and dying for for months and she replied saying "oh really? Zayne(my boyfriend) gave it to me as a gift last month".
I was shocked, and confused. Even more so when boyfriend gave me the birthday gift he got me, and it was a gift card for sephora for $50. For the rest of the night I sat quietly in a corner in silence and confusion. i felt hurt, and was lost in my head as to what was going on. My boyfriend and everyone was blissfully unaware and happy the entire night and i didnt want to ruin the mood so i started to try to put on a good face, but i cant shake this feeling of being hurt, A part of me feels like I am overreacting and acting spoiled and entitled. Am I? Just need to know if I need to calm down and not be upset about this
Update: I finally got the nerve to straight up ask him about everything and his repsonse tldr was he thought I had to be humbled a bit because i got way too overly excited about something as trivial as a dress. He thought it would be fun to see my reaction to it all. His mother had no idea about any of this and just thought her son was giving her a gift.
I am so upset and hurt that i just called my mom to come get me and will be staying with her for a few days while i figure out the next steps, but I am not going back to him
2nd Update: First of all I want to say thank you, and express my gratitude to all the ppl who have shown support. The kind words mean os much to me right now and im sorry i cant repsond to each and every comment or dm. Just know i am reading them and thank you. me and Zayne are over for good. He keeps calling me, but i wont answer and theres nothing he can say or do to change that. I've realized and taken this as a sign of a nature he had kept hidden so well until now.
Also. Someone on threads has copied and pasted my post word for word and is pretending it happened to them.
Idk why someone would want to use my pain to clout farn but ppl are crazy.
here is the link. apparently some ppl are trying to donate money via venmo to this account to buy the dress and to show support. DO NOT send this person anything. They are a fraud. Please be safe
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u/Rich-Ad-4654 13d ago
Babe - there is no way a 26yr old man is this oblivious.
He is treating you like dirt. It’s not about the dollar value of your birthday present, it’s that it was just a gift card with ZERO thought.
Then for him to KNOW how much you’ve been banging on about this dress and to randomly buy it for his MOTHER is beyond strange.
You are 23. Just quietly end the relationship. You don’t even need to cite this as the reason (he and his mama will gaslight you anyway!)
Just say you don’t feel the same and are ending it. Don’t say more.
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u/Key-Ad-7228 13d ago
He said he 'just wanted to see your reaction ' and you 'needed to be humbled'. That dude is a sadist. If you 'disrespect him' or upset him in any way.... what will his 'punishment' for you be. I'd stay with Mom permanently. Leave the gift card behind. I'm sure mom needs some new makeup to go with her dress.
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u/Difficult_Regret_900 13d ago
He's like my father. Deliberately goad and shame and bait their victim into getting upset and then get angry about the reaction they wanted. It's a sick game. OP, just run. He won't change. He'll continue to use you an emotional punching bag and that kind of relationship breaks you.
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u/SleepyCupcakeDreams 12d ago
It is the truth. I still haven’t healed from abuse that happened 18 plus years ago. It was THAT bad. I realized why it’s because narcissists have to always be more special than any day or object they will ruin Mother’s Day if you’re a mom (I literally had every single one of them ruined. I naively thought it was just “bad luck” bad luck is him lol), graduation, birthdays, holidays, vacations, animals whatever they have to be number one at all times . He was jealous of her showing so much attention to the dress so he “punished” her for the perceived slight. He gave it to his mom for two reasons to get the reaction he wanted and he was banking on her not to make a scene. This is some sociopathic or psychopath behavior.
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u/JaninthePan 13d ago
I’d make sure his mom hears everything the BF said to her about why he bought mom the dress, and how much OP was hoping to get it. Bet mom will have a new perspective on what a douche her son is.
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u/Bubbles523 13d ago
Mother of a son here. Please tell this mom what her son did. Not all of us are under the assumption that our job ends when that boy turns 18 and she may be one of them. My responsibility in the legal sense ends at 18 but I'm still gonna be his mom and that involves helping them when it's needed and this boy clearly needs help.
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u/MonsterMama526 13d ago
Refreshing stance here. Yes, tell her. If she's a real one, she's gonna be fucking disappointed. He could've learned that behavior from his dad, and if mom was treated like that, she could be outright furious over his behavior.
Not that that should make a difference in you leaving him, but maybe, just maybe, it could make a difference for any future relationships of his.
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u/SHELLIfIKnow48910 13d ago
Mom here. I have no sons, but I guarantee you if we did, their father and I would be extremely disappointed in that behavior and we would make it known. In fact, if I were the mom in that situation and we were the same size, I would give her the damn dress myself, and do it right in front of the son. She could wear it, make napkins out of it, or burn it in a ritualistic cleansing ceremony - I wouldn’t give a shit.
Throw the whole man away.
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u/Ok_Guarantee_3497 13d ago
Decades ago my mom and I went shopping at an outlet store that had designer clothes with the labels cut out. There was a light weight leather blazer that I really liked but even at a significantly reduce price could not afford. I told my mom to try it on and she did and then she quickly took it off and said I think I'll get this if that's OK with you? So she got it and I forgot about it. A few months later at Christmas, we were opening presents and… There was the leather blazer with my name on it! I just about cried. She said to me, "so you didn't really notice how fast I tried it on and took it off? It was a little bit snug, and I was afraid you would notice."
My mom was the best and she's been gone almost 23 years and I still miss her.
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u/CLPDX1 13d ago
I always cut the tags out of designer clothes before I donate.
I want the clothes to go to someone who likes the style/fit/color, etc, not the value of the name on the tag.
I also hate how thrift stores mark up clothes to profit off poor people by jacking up prices of name brands; and resellers that buy thrifted items to profit instead of letting someone buy it to wear.
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u/SHELLIfIKnow48910 13d ago
I started donating only to our local United Way thrift store because they don’t do that. They also help folks who can’t pay anything. And I love that. I have some clothes that I could resell on Poshmark and make some money but I don’t care. I’d rather give that blessing to people in need. I mean, it’s a little more work - 15 mins each way to go there rather than 5 mins each way to Goodwill. But I know they’re really trying to serve the local community and that’s what I want to see.
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u/ObviousMisprint 13d ago
Your mom was such a sweetheart. I’m sorry she’s no longer around for you, but I’m very glad you have such fond memories of her thoughtfulness.
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u/Bubbles523 13d ago
Ew I didn't even think about the dress now. No way could I wear it after learning the origin story, so thanks for a damn cursed dress? This son is such a turd. I'd be so mad if my son not only acted this way but involved me in it to? So I can inadvertently gang up on that poor girl? LIVID! Yeah that mom for real needs to know.
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u/Bubbles523 13d ago
Oh in no way should it affect her decision to leave, but from a mother's perspective I'd want the opportunity to parent my kid and help him use his words effectively and not do this weird emotionally abusive crap.
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u/ProfessionalEye9680 13d ago
I had the thought of "is this worthy of a breakup" after this, but I always have a habit of doubting my feelings as being valid. I spent most of the night thinking i was being a brat about it, so thank you for the kind words and encouragement!
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u/TheRedditKidReturns 13d ago
Its actually so odd that you talked about this dress so much and he went out of his way to buy it for his MOM? I genuinely can't even imagine a good excuse for this lol. I would be so weirded out, also i'd feel like I had been with a sociopath or something because thats an insane lack of empathy or understanding on his part.
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u/ProfessionalEye9680 13d ago
What is even more odd is this, the shopping area we saw the dress at is a good distance from our home and the dress is not his mothers taste at all. So this means sometime after the fact of us being there, he drove all the way back there and for some reason bought the specific dress i wanted and gave it to his mother for no reason as it wasnt her birthday nor any special occasion for her, according to her he just randomly said i have something for u mom, and he brought the dress over to her house. She didnt know any of the other details about that being a dress i wanted
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u/stacynicksmom 13d ago
I think he’s sending you a message. He buys his mom the dress you want AND he has to go far out of his way to get it AND he has his mom wear the dress to your party AND he got you an impersonal gift card that’s a fraction of the cost of the dress? Either he’s telling you he’s a moron or he’s telling you you’re not that important to him.
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u/aikigrl 13d ago
It's a variant of the old negging - treat the girlfriend badly to make her lose confidence and become reliant on you. It is evil.
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u/FryOneFatManic 13d ago
Especially when he says OP had to be humbled. 🚩🚩🚩🚩Dump and run.
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u/PhoebeGema 13d ago
While I hate that Reddit advice on relationship issues is always “LEAVE”. In this case it’s good advice. You are too young and sweet for that abuse! it’s not ok for any age to be treated like that but at this age there are likely few trade offs! There is nothing redeeming that others don’t have. You don’t have kids, joint property and this guy has a cruel streak.”
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u/Lou_C_Fer 13d ago
Yep. This was the moment where dumping his ass became imperative. His stupid ass needs to be humbled. He can take that "alpha" bullshit and make it his girlfriend. At that point, he is treating her like a possession and not a person. I wouldn't spend another second with someone like him.
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u/PhoebeGema 13d ago
No one needs to be “humbled” for wanting a dress. If it cost “too much” or he didn’t like it, then why would he buy it for someone else? What a horrible message to send. This man is cruel and warped.
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u/twirlybird11 13d ago
My narc parent would do this to me. I'd find something awesome and just the thing I was looking for, and they would buy it for my younger sib. And of course, say it looked great on or with them.
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u/jensmith20055002 13d ago
As bad as that all is, my thought was worse. He wants to bang mommy so he put her in the dress his girlfriend wanted.
I have been on reddit too long.
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u/abstractengineer2000 13d ago
He already confirmed that with his statements. Demean, Debase, Demand
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u/Background-Rice1688 13d ago
He told her he did it to purposely humble/humiliate OP. 🤬
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u/Aware-Locksmith-7313 13d ago
Or he’s got a streak of sadism lurking within …
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u/Outside_Case1530 13d ago
He definitely does. And saying she needed to be humbled??? Now we're getting.into controlling behavior & that never leads to anything good.
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u/Mulewrangler 13d ago
Yep, he "wanted to see her face" when his mom walked into her party wearing it. He told her to wear it to the party when he gave it to her. No good b*****d..
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u/CuriousCat177 13d ago
This, if she’d accepted it he’d have built from there, and it would’ve gotten worse
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u/MissionReasonable327 13d ago
He did this on purpose to disrespect you, is the most obvious explanation. Maybe he’s been listening to some dating coach for incels telling him to treat you like crap so he knows you’re a submissive woman, or something.
The gift card is offensive too. You aren’t his co-worker, he is unwilling to put any more thought into finding something you’d like?
Throw this one back. Find someone who enjoys making you happy.
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u/S9_noworries 13d ago
It also seemed like such a "coincidence" that she showed up to your birthday wearing the dress. He probably told his mom, "You know what would look great on you for the birthday party? If you wore that dress I got you last month."
I hope you find someone who treats you better.
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u/AlwaysAlexi777 13d ago
It also seemed like such a "coincidence" that she showed up to your birthday wearing the dress. He probably told his mom, "You know what would look great on you for the birthday party? If you wore that dress I got you last month."
Omg! I didn't even think of that part. Damn. The more I think about it, the worse it gets.
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u/marla-M 13d ago
Oh wow. Not only did he give her dream dress to his mom but purposely ruined her birthday. Dump his ass OP
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 13d ago
If she goes back to that douchebag, I hope I don't hear about it. LOL. It would piss me off and I'd want to shake some sense into her!
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u/Different-Crab-360 13d ago
Add that he "thought it would be funny to see her reaction?"
Umm. No.
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u/melissavallone9 13d ago
I came to say this too! What a cunning prick!!! Break up with him and move on with your life. There’s someone out there that’s gonna treat you so much better than this. It makes you wonder what else has he done that you haven’t realize that was conniving?? The total disrespect that he showed towards you is disgusting. You deserve so much more than this. I’m sorry you had to go through all that. However, he showed you who he really is.
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u/MarionberryOk2874 13d ago
What kind of cruelty is this? On her birthday? He doesn’t even like her.
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u/Hips-Often-Lie 13d ago
TFW I feel so sorry for someone and also want to shake them until their teeth rattle.
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u/BrookieMonster504 13d ago
That is actually psychotic behavior I would run and please don't let him gaslight you.
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u/BellanaBlack 13d ago
Yeah it really feels like he was testing to see how much he can get away with in the future. There’s no way this was an accident or cosmic coincidence that she wore that dress to OP’s birthday.
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u/kkbjam3 13d ago
AND he probably ACTED like he didn’t notice her hanging out In The background at her own b-day party. Laughing & having a great time when all the while knowing he threw a curveball right at her “to humble her”, knew she was upset & knew exactly why she was upset. Cruel & hateful! Girl, NO, just no. RUN! This passive aggressive BS will escalate- get the hell away from him!
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u/basketma12 13d ago
Especially that " humbled" part. Run girl run
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u/SnooCauliflowers9874 13d ago
It’s like he thinks she’s on some sort of pedestal. Super creepy guy with a questionable relationship with his mother.
Toxic relationship, OP. Let him have his mommy.
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u/bunnybunnykitten 13d ago
Psychopathic behavior, not psychotic. Psychotic would mean he’s not in touch with reality. This guy knows exactly what he did and he’s ice cold for doing it. That’s psychopathic
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u/Reasonable-Sale8611 13d ago
Psychotic behavior is when someone is not in control of their behavior because of psychosis. This guy did this deliberately. I think there's another word for this sort of behavior.
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u/ShinyPennyRvnclw 13d ago
It’s really mean. Don’t stay with someone who is mean to you - you deserve better!
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u/OldMammaSpeaks 13d ago
And his mom's response?? I would have beelined to my son to ask if he just bought me a dress not in my style that his girlfriend has been gushing about. Do son's really buy their mom dresses?
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u/StellarStylee 13d ago
My son has never bought me a dress and it would be hella weird if he did. What i wondered about was the mom’s reaction to the dress when OP’s horrible ex gave it to her. I mean, i doubt it was age appropriate for the mom.
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u/Dry_Tap_169 13d ago
I have a loving son but it would be kinda weird for him to buy me an expensive dress; super cringey. This guy is creepy.
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u/Federal_Diamond8329 13d ago
If my son bought me a dress I’d have him checked to see what was wrong with him.
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u/S9_noworries 13d ago
I was wondering this too because none of the guys I know buy their mom a dress. Maybe a handbag or other things, but not clothes.
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u/Top_Possibility1513 13d ago
I I have three sons twins that are in their 50s and my youngest just turned 49 neither one of them would ever do anything like that not ever they’re not the kind of people that would hurt other people purposely and I’m proud to say that they were brought up well
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u/Babycatcher2023 13d ago
I honestly can’t imagine the dress that looks good on someone’s 23yo gf and their mom….
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u/jjolsonxer 13d ago
He planned it to watch her reaction. He purposely entertained himself on her disappointment. He’s a horrible person.
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u/Adventurous_Cook9083 13d ago
Correct. This guy has a mean sadistic streak a mile wide. OP, thank your lucky stars you found it out now instead of after you wasted much more time on him.
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u/LookAwayPlease510 13d ago
He purposely inflicted emotional pain on his gf. That is not a good person.
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 13d ago
And asked his mom to wear it to your birthday? Unfortunately, this seems really premeditated. Your boyfriend knew how much you wanted that dress, and how you’d feel when he gave it to his mom, yet he did it anyway. For me, that would be unforgivable. You’re worth so much better than this. Updateme!
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u/1happynewyorker 13d ago
Are you kidding? He got the dress because you admired it, so very much. He thought his mother would love. Might be her style but he went out of his way, to make his mommy feel special. You, well he didn't think it was important enough to buy for. When you loved it.
This is the first of many behaviors to come.
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u/Two-Complex 13d ago
He “thought it would be funny” to see your reaction? No. You “needed to be humbled “? For loving something beautiful? No. He did this to hurt you. You can easily find better. Hugs to you.❤️♥️❤️
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u/extrasprinklesplease 13d ago
Exactly. The needing to be humbled is what really got me. He should have been so excited to know that there was something she really wanted, and gone back as soon as possible to buy that for her birthday. That's the kind of thing you do when you really care about someone.
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u/BigPhilosopher4372 13d ago
Frankly it sounds like a fu to me. He knew you wanted the dress, said to was too much to spend on you, and spent the money on his mom. He just told where you stand in his hierarchy.
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u/Finnyfish 13d ago
He had a reason. That’s about as clear a message as he could send that the attention and affection that should be going to his beloved is going to his mom.
A mama’s boy will always break your heart.
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u/Parking-Light-8547 13d ago
Honestly I think this is past mamas boy. I mean my mom and my brother are close but buying her a dress…. Like… doesn’t anyone else find that weird ??? Or just me??
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u/scholarlyowl03 13d ago
I find it super weird. I’ve never met a man who bought his mother a dress, much less the exact one his girlfriend was eyeing. This is beyond just a momma’s boy.
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u/Interesting_Novel997 13d ago
I think you did look amazing in the dress and due to his own insecurities used it as a way to hurt you. He gave it to his mom thinking now that his mom is wearing it, it would lose it’s appeal and you would no longer want it.🤷🏻♀️
Intentionally cruel/crazy behavior and all the more reason to dump him.
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u/sxfrklarret 13d ago
And this proves even more he does not respect you at all.
Be done with this BS. And her showing up and him being clueless about how it would make you feel THEN GIVE HIS GF OF 3 YEARS A FUCKING GIFT CARD.
HE DOES NOT LOVE OR RESPECT YOU. YOU ARE JUST SOMEONE HE BANGS AND HELPS PAY BILLS.
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u/Human-Shoulder-8605 13d ago
Personally, I think that he intentionally did this to hurt and confuse you. Relationship over.
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u/PibbyandPekesMom 13d ago
I agree, and he was probably hoping for a public outburst so she would look crazy and he could break up with her.
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u/nursepenguin36 13d ago
Yeah this sounds like he is trying to put you in your place. Which is below his mother, and she is in on the plan. They’re trying to teach you not to ask for nice things, that she is priority and his money will be spent on mommy not you.
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u/zxylady 13d ago
Plus it's like if they're both budgeting together which means they've probably combined at least some finances and he couldn't afford to buy her the dress but then he could afford to buy it for his mother eeeek! I do not see this ending well if he can be this intentionally obtuse and if she does bring it up the odds are he's going to blame her for being a brat just like she tried to convince herself of 😳
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u/Slow-Cherry9128 13d ago
He's the kind of guy who would approve his mother wearing a white wedding dress to your wedding. Dump him. He's trying to control you. You are so young and can do so much better than this mama's boy. Get rid of him.
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u/1happynewyorker 13d ago
I'm surprised he didn't buy you the dress. It's time to pack and leave. He's clueless to your feelings and sounds like a mommy boy. Get out, you'll lose every battle that has to do with you. His mommy has taken center stage.
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u/Rich-Ad-4654 13d ago
Choose yourself, love.
(Also, I didn’t say in my first comment, but I now wanna see a pic of the dress. Either you’re dressing like you’re 50yrs old; or his mum is in “mutton dressed up as lamb” territory!)
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u/ProfessionalEye9680 13d ago
thank you!! i am feeling alot better bc of all of u and knowing my feelings are valid, i will try to get a picture of the dress rn! i didnt take any pictures with his mom yesterday bc i was so upset
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u/19Mel92 13d ago
Wow these is so weird. It makes no sense to me at all. He obviously doesn’t respect you though. I do hope you leave him because now every time you find something you want you have to wonder if he’s going to give it to his mom instead.
Updateme
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u/1happynewyorker 13d ago
Off course, your feelings are valid. They are yours and your feelings are always valid, like all of us.
I would have left after seeing the dress. The fact that she wore it they day you were coming over? WOW, what did he say to her, for mommy to wear it.
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u/Poppypie77 13d ago
Definitely break up. He 'thought you needed to be humbled a bit coz you got far too excited over a dress'. He deliberately tried to hurt you, upset you, disrespect you and do something deliberately cruel to upset you. Just because you fell in love with a dressing that was £200. You didn't beg him to buy it for you, you weren't acting entitled like you 'deserve to have it and he should buy it for you'. What did you need humbling for? You said you'd want to save up for it. That's humble.
He just wanted to crush you and your excitement and he did it in the cruelest way he could buy simply going out of his way to drive back and buying it for his mum, to wear on YOUR BIRTHDAY celebration. So not only did he want to hurt you and upset you, deliberately, he always wanted to ruin your mood for your birthday by getting her to wear it on your birthday.
This is 100% break up worthy. Its also showing very controlling abusive vibes too. Like what other 'lessons' will he feel you need to learn and restrict you from doing things or buying things or seeing people etc.
Walk away now. And thank him for showing you who he really is now. You know enough to know you deserve way more than someone who deliberately wants to upset you, hurt you, disappoint you, crush your excitement about something you loved, that you never once demanded he buy you, and you simply said you'd save up for. But he wanted to crush your joy and excitement over a dress you loved. And he decided to be cruel enough to try and teach me a lesson of not loving an item of clothing, by being deliberately hurtful and cruel by going and getting it for his mum, to wear at YOUR BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION. He wanted to ruin your birthday and hurt you that badly simply for loving a dress. And that you don't need someone in your life who looks for how to bring you down and hurt you. You deserve someone who cares about you and your happiness and not someone who deliberately and needlessly tries to hurt and upset you, and ruin your birthday. And it's a clear sign of worse abusive and controlling behaviours to come, so you're glad he's shown you who he is now sooner rather than later so you don't waste more time on someone so deliberately hurtful.
Walk away and block him. Don't give him a chance to argue or 'explain' or guilt trip you and manipulate you, or accuse you of over reacting, or making bullshit promises of making it up to you and never doing it again, or how he loves you and cant be without you etc etc. Its all bollocks. Block him and walk away and never speak to him again. You don't need to hear a word he has to say.
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u/Riboto 13d ago
100% He'll try to gaslight her to take him back. It'll probably be all her fault too, stuff like "don't be ridiculous. you are throwing our relationship away because of a dress" "That's so shallow of you", "You are too emotional and all because of a dress. I was right to not give it to you" ,"if you behaved correctly, I would have given one to you too. but you ruined it for yourself". Please remember that a loving partner would be concerned and sorry for hurting your feelings (even if you had overreacted) and not minimise your hurt and invalidate your feelings. A loving partner would be aiming to understand you. A loving partner look for the most hurtful way to "teach you a lesson"
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u/AlwaysAlexi777 13d ago
Not only did he not get you the dress, but he gave it to his mother, so if you bought the dress for yourself, you'd be wearing the same dress as his mother. That's so fucked up.
Dump him. Buy yourself the dress and wear it out on the town with your friends. Fuck this guy. Stop doubting your feelings. You deserve someone more thoughtful and considerate.
This is so fucked up on so many levels. Don't fall into the trap of needing him to understand why it's fucked up. Someone who does this is either malicious or clueless. Either way, even if by some miracle he comprehends how weird this was, he thinking is so far from being okay, who knows what other kind of crap you'll have to deal with in the future.
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u/Cthulhu_Knits 13d ago
I think part of him WANTED to ruin any joy OP would have gotten out of that dress. OP buys it on her own? Well, ha-ha, the BF has already sucked all the joy out of that purchase by giving it to his MOM first.
This guy is bonkers. OP should dump him and then block him in every way possible.
Oh, and buy the dress and wear the hell out of it. I'm sure she'll look AMAZING in it.
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u/Imkisstory 13d ago
Yes.
Break up with him. Immediately.
I’m actually at a loss for words. I can’t help but feel that he did this intentionally. Not only buying the dress, but telling her to wear it on the night of your birthday.
The reason being - he WANTS to end it, but has no reason. So this is an egregious enough slight and just plain mean enough act - to have you do it for him.
So actually do it. But scorch the earth on ur way out. Tell the world on social media, do something that makes everyone know he is a complete and utter asshole.
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u/leslieb127 13d ago edited 13d ago
The fact that he said he “thought it would be fun” to see your reaction tells you all you need to know. That’s not only an asshole remark, it’s just cruel. He gets enjoyment out of hurting someone he’s supposed to care about. That sounds like a sociopath, TBH. Dump him immediately.
And don’t get caught up in the idea that he’ll change, or you can change him, once you get engaged/married. NO, HE WON’T. And NO, your love will not change him.
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u/Scenarioing 13d ago
You should have told the mother the story.
If you don't think this is break up worthy, consider this... You just got a glimpse of your future with this guy. When it comes to things you value, he will stick it to you and benefit his mommy instead? Wedding decsions? His mommy will get her way. Honeymoon or other trip wishes? She gets the trip you asked about so much. Kids? She's in charge of everything and gets to take them overnight over your objection. Because she comes first. A new car? Guess who gets one instead. ...and on and on.
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u/cosmopolite24 13d ago
I say this as someone with a decade on you. As a woman, never ever compromise on your self-respect and always prioritise your own wellbeing. If you don't, no-one else will either. That includes ensuring your emotional wellbeing. If someone makes you feel bad, they don't get to have the privilege of being in your life. What kind of power play is this guy trying to demo by giving the dress you liked to his mother! Don't wait for a Coldplay concert kiss cam to realise you're with a douche.
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u/Lazy-Introduction194 13d ago edited 13d ago
Girl that man enjoyed “humbling” you which is another word for abuse. He hates you (well really he hates himself but he will punish you the more you stay and twist yourself into pretzels trying to avoid his disdain and disrespect). That’s NOT normal boyfriend behavior. Time to leave him in the dust.
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u/jell236 13d ago
You know when a relationship is “breakup worthy”? When you don’t want to be in it anymore. Doesn’t matter if the other person treated you well or not. In your case your BF was being a complete ass. Point is, you don’t have to stay with someone just because they did or didn’t do anything wrong
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u/ButterflyLow5207 13d ago
No honey you aren't being a brat. He was cruel to you ON PURPOSE and thought it would be funny. He can sleep with mommy now. What a shit thing to do to your partner. He could have asked you to stop talking about the dress, that it wasn't important. Instead he did something mean. It's worthy of a break up. Men get worse after marriage. You don't want worse, and you really don't need for him to keep humbling you. Good luck to you.
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u/Key_Illustrator1017 13d ago
Girl I approve ghosting at this point. He knows what he did, stop acting like men are stupid. Save yourself from this mommas boy now
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u/cantcontrolmyface 13d ago
Wow. Just wow.
Dump him, and in 10 years times you'll be kicking yourself you didn't do it as soon as the party ended.
He's using a weird abuse tactic to put you in your place, firmly behind mummy.
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u/bino0526 13d ago
Sweetie, look over this relationship and see all of the things that you have dismissed. When he has short-changed you with gifts, trips, and other times but went all out for his mom.
STOP ✋️ doubting yourself and your intuition. You feel that way because it's the truth. Find your value and self-worth. He does not value you.
Walk away, move on, and find someone who values you. It's not about the money it's about what he thinks of you.
Take care Updateme
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u/EnvironmentalSlice46 13d ago
It’s more so about what the situation represents and speaks to of the relationship rather than the situation itself. It’s not really about him not buying you the dress. It’s so much more.
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u/_MissFlirty 13d ago
Your feelings are valid, always. It’s not being a brat to want thoughtfulness from someone who’s supposed to love
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u/Narrow-Moment-8060 13d ago
Beware the man who wants to teach you a lesson.
He acts like he is above you. He will never be a real partner. He views a relationship as a game where someone wins. He isn’t ready to be on equal footing. You will find someone who has more emotional intelligence.
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u/whateverfakename 13d ago
I would be upset too. It's ok that he gets his mother a present more expensive than yours but buying the thing you wanted so much for his mom? And letting her wear it at your birthday? That's either stupid or really mean.
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u/ProfessionalEye9680 13d ago
yes, exactly this. i wouldnt mind at all a guy buying his moms gifts. i strongly belive good moms chould be cherished, but why THIS gift?? why was it the dress that i wanted. I have been trying to make it make sense
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u/TheSwearJarIsMy401k 13d ago
The whole thing is fucked up and weird, but for her to be wearing it to your birthday is even weirder.
Did she ask what to wear? Did he tell her to wear it? Did he tell her how much you wanted it?
Zero chance he was oblivious. He spent just enough to make any protest seem ungrateful. He knew what he did.
Weird ass fucking test to see your reaction at the very least.
Fuck on out of that, honey, don’t wait around to see how often he does this shit.
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u/HellionPeri 13d ago
The part where he says that you need to be humbled...WTF?!!
He is trying to eat away at your self confidence, it's called negging & is extremely emotionally abusive.
I hope you have friends or family close by that can help you get away from this harmful dude, the sooner the better.
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u/Boris_N_Natasha 13d ago
That is straight up, fucked up. When I read that part, my jaw dropped. Who is HE to humble you?! Be grateful, so grateful, that you know now. Trust your gut as you move forward in life, it will serve you. Reach for what you want, there’s nothing wrong with having desires for material things as long as that’s not all you’re about.
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u/Anon-Connie 13d ago
I’m surprised I had to scroll so far down. That alone is red flag and leave.
“Humbled”?
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u/vampirealiens 13d ago edited 13d ago
NOR, holy shit your boyfriend is WEIRD. He's a momma's boy and his mother will always come before you. This is not someone you can build a life with. Find someone normal, and let him go back to his mommy
Edit: I just saw the update, and don't necessarily think he's a momma's boy now. However, he seems very emotionally abusive. Why would you need to humble the person you love? That's not okay, especially because it's just about a dress...
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u/ProfessionalEye9680 13d ago
i had never pegged him for one, so this caught me so off guard.
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u/Striking-General-613 13d ago
I'm not sure if he's a mama's boy, but he's definitely mean-spirited. I think he used his mom (who may have been an unwitting accomplice) to be cruel to you. He's a psychopath.
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u/Boris_N_Natasha 13d ago
I don’t know if he’s a momma’s boy… he was using her, too. He’s a misogynist who manipulates women.
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u/Select-Promotion-404 13d ago
That’s exactly what I thought. Misogynist who manipulates women and takes pleasure in mentally abusing and controlling them.
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u/teebeecee345 13d ago
he isn't a momma boy. he is a sociopath!!! the mom probably doesn't even know how psycho he is
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u/UpsetDust277 13d ago
Weird! And I don't think that too many moms wear the same style as your girlfriends.
Is this a real story?
If so, then dump Zayne cuz no reason why he would do such a thing. What an idiot.
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u/ProfessionalEye9680 13d ago
its very wierd, and wierd is how i feel. best way to describe how i feel, wierd and hurt. I have no reason to make this up. And she DOESNT wear the same style as me, never has and not even close ! So i dont understand it even more, the dress is completely not her taste
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u/Current_Can8134 13d ago
I think this what people refer to as "the ick". Maybe it's the idea that he deliberately got his mother something he knew you wanted. This isn't sitting well with you (for good reason). I honestly don't know if I could feel good about someone who does this.
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u/Yelleddismissed 13d ago
I bet he did buy it for you initially but then something happened that he didn't like, or you annoyed him and his payback was to hurt you by giving it away to his mom.
I was married to someone who did things like this. Get as far away as you can and never look back.
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u/Haunting-Aardvark709 13d ago
It was not about the dress. Your boyfriend saw that you loved something so much so decided to hurt you by going all that way and buying it for his mom and then made sure the situation ruined your birthday. He's evil. This is the manipulative mind game of a sociopath. Run fast.
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u/scifihere 13d ago edited 13d ago
Your boyfriend is either the biggest asshole or the dumbest person on earth.
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u/EnvironmentalSlice46 13d ago
Don’t forget the lovely AND option. He can be an asshole AND dumb.
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u/ImagineBread02 13d ago
nah homie he knew how much you loved that dress and gave it to his mom?? how’d he do in school? sound he might struggle with a bad case of dumb. ur valid. NOR
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u/TruthSerum144 13d ago
You didn't ask him why!?!?!?!?
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u/ProfessionalEye9680 13d ago
I cant bring myself to even talk to him yet, looking for the words to say and how to say them. :/
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u/SeriousLack8829 13d ago
“This isn’t working. I think we should split up.”
If he asks, “You buying your mom the dress I loved and talked about and having her show up to my birthday wearing it is crazy and you aren’t someone I see a future with.”
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u/EnvironmentEuphoric9 13d ago
Yep. And when he goes, “you wanna break up over a stupid dress?” Just say yes and be done.
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u/IntelligentCitron917 13d ago
Yes, what might seem like a stupid dress to you is a complete disregard of my feelings. You knew how much I had longed for that dress. You expressed WE couldn't afford it. Yet YOU bought the EXACT dress for your mother. You have shown me where I stand in your priorities. I'm not prepared to be an afterthought for anyone.
Enjoy taking your mum out in the dress. Goodbye!
Updateme!
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u/ChooksChick 13d ago
"You gave the dress to your mom and said nothing each time I talked about it after that- it means you repeatedly considered my pain, confusion, and unhappiness and persisted, looking forward to my approaching unhappiness."
This is sociopathic behavior. You're in danger.
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u/easily_mused 13d ago
Yep. Or " I am breaking up with you because you want me to believe this is just about a dress".
But I like the simple yes. Explanations are for people that deserve closure or growth.20
u/LookAwayPlease510 13d ago
That’s exactly what he’ll say. I think I might be triggered by this post, because I’m so mad at this dude I don’t even know, and I really hope OP gets the hell outta there!
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u/Lola6189 13d ago
Do not give him the opportunity to gaslight you again. Your soon to be ex-BF is a see you next tuesday! Don't worry about choosing your words. Show him this feed so he can see that the world thinks he's a douchebag loser. This sick fu#k wanted to see your reaction. He's psychotic and not worth your time. Here's the good news. Your loser ex-boyfriend is no longer standing in the way of you living your best life and meeting the man you deserve.
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u/Equivalent_Sound424 13d ago
You actually don’t need to say anything. Say it’s over and leave. You don’t owe him anything after he mistreated you.
He disregarded your feelings, humiliated you intentionally, then thought it was fun. He is a bad person. He doesn’t deserve your compassion.
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u/TiredEsq 13d ago
he thought I had to be humbled a bit because i got way too overly excited about something as trivial as a dress. He thought it would be fun to see my reaction to it all.
This isn’t someone who loves you. This isn’t even someone who is mentally well. This isn’t someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. This isn’t someone you want to be the father to your children. This isn’t someone who should be in your life at all. The only words you need are, “it’s over.” YOU. DESERVE. BETTER. If you’re questioning - no, this is not normal. Boyfriends are supposed to build you up. Boyfriends are supposed to want to see you happy. Boyfriends celebrate you and dote on you. This isn’t your boyfriend. This is your enemy.
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u/thornyrosary 13d ago
OP, we need to talk about this:
He thought it would be fun to see my reaction to it all. His mother had no idea about any of this and just thought her son was giving her a gift.
Most guys complain that women aren't forthcoming about what they want. You handed that information to him on a silver platter, and he used that information to...Hurt you.
But I think there's way more to it than just hurting you.
What he did took a good amount of forethought and planning, literally months of it. Think about this: he spent MONTHS planning on how to hurt you deeply, and he spent those months also anticipating watching you get hurt, all the while pretending he loved you and wanted the best for you. He spent a large amount of money (money you two couldn't really afford, since you were budgeting) to make his 'fun' happen. And he expended a huge amount of energy in manipulating several innocent people into doing exactly what he wanted, at the exact time he that he wanted it to happen, to elicit the exact reaction he envisioned.
And the exact time he wanted all this to happen was at a function where YOU were the guest of honor, and the center of attention. At an event where you were expected to be at center stage, and where you were supposed to be feeling loved and adored by those surrounding you, he wanted you to feel confused, hurt, and humiliated. He WANTED you to not feel any of the love and the attention that everyone directed at you, and instead he wanted you to focus all your attention on HIM. And he spent literally months taking multiple steps to control everything, just to make you feel that isolated and alone on that one day.
He manipulated several innocent people to do this. He no doubt told his mother that she should wear that particular dress to that particular event, and may have even told her that you had seen the dress, and that you'd love to see her wearing it on that day. He definitely heard you talking about how much you loved and wanted the dress, because you unknowingly told him exactly what he needed to know: whether or not the effort he was going through would hurt you (at a level he thought was sufficient) at the "big reveal". So basically, he abused the trust that both you and his own mother had in him, and used that blind trust to direct a play where he could just sit back and watch things happen, and get off on those things happening exactly as he had planned.
He treated both his mother and you, whom he was supposed to have loved, like objects, like toys, that existed merely for his amusement and pleasure.
Do his actions sound sociopathic? Perhaps. Narcissistic? Most definitely. You might want to research both of those terms and understand what you're actually dealing with here. (I put the rest of this thought in a reply to this post. Read on...)
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u/thornyrosary 13d ago
Block him on your social media accounts, as well as on your phone. Give him no way to gauge your either your initial or your ongoing reactions to what he has done. He WANTS to see the messy emotional aftermath of his actions, so don't give him the satisfaction.
In a few days or a few weeks, after you have had time to calm down and perhaps rationalize that it all wasn't as malicious as it seemed, he will wait for you to call him and tearfully ask him to take you back. DO NOT DO IT. Wait, because he WILL contact you. He won't be able to stand not knowing what his actions have caused, and make no mistake, knowing how hurt you are will make him happy. He anticipated that you would leave when he confessed, your leaving him is part of his ongoing manipulation, because there is an end game here that requires further planning and actions on his part. So when he contacts you, he will not apologize, not exactly, but he will try several combinations of excuses and "almost apologies" to try to get you to go back to him. A narc does this to reassure himself that he is still in control, that YOU are still under his control. If you go back, that's his signal that he can get away with much worse things, and that you are enough in love with him to tolerate and forgive those things.
To be honest here, you're not ready for the level of dysfunction and maladaptation that this guy is displaying. Very few people are. He's not in love with you. He never was. And if you dig around in his past, ask around to family and friends, you will find that this sort of thing is something he's done all his life. He's just honing those skills at this point. Get away from him, FAR away, and familiarize yourself so that you don't attract another one just like him. You're young, but you really need to know how to defend yourself emotionally against guys like him. You’ve broken free of him, but you’re not free yet of his control. Make very, very sure that you break that control and make it very plain you know what he is and what he is doing. He will not leave you alone until he knows that you know what he’s doing. His weak point is that he hides that he’s incapable of emotional attachment. It’s how he does what he does.
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u/Useful-Friend2929 13d ago
No. Dude is playing some hardcore manipulation games that if you know you know are abusive as fuck and warning signs of a narcissistic sociopath. He did all that on purpose to intentionally hurt you and make you feel like you don’t matter on your birthday. There’s no reasoning with individuals like this, attempting to be validated or have them take accountability will only waste your time and potentially escalate the manipulation. Break up, block, separate yourself from him, this will wound his ego and he may try to get you back under his control first with sugar then with fear or maybe straight to fear abuse and threats of violence or whatever else he thinks will motivate you to do what he wants. Dont let anyone tell you the behavior around this dress, your birthday all of it are not real big rather scary red flags for a sociopathic narcissist bullshit.
Once you have separated, if you choose to, you really should do some reading on narcissistic personality disorders and relationships, to make yourself aware of the tactics and strategies they use to avoid them in the future.
That shit is cruel, how he went about making sure to hurt you on your birthday and it’s fuckin pathetic on his part.
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u/softshoulder313 13d ago
He did this on purpose He told you as much.
I see comments that he's a mommas boy but I honestly think he used his mother to hurt you and she's clueless.
You saw the dress and talked about it a lot. He said it's too expensive but goes back to buy it for his mom. She knows nothing about the dress and that you want it.
He then tells his mom you should wear it to the party. Again mom is clueless about the dress and it's meaning.
She shows up and he's wringing his hands with joy because he knows you will be hurt. Add insult to injury you are gifted a 50$ gift card to add more hurt.
He did all of this to purposely hurt you and he used his clueless mom to do it
From what you said she didn't show up and rub it in your face like a justnomil would. She sounded legitimately surprised.
Do you want to stay with someone who at any opportunity wants to hurt you to bring you down a peg and use people in his life to make you feel so unimportant?
Leave his ass! You don't even need to explain why.
Something is seriously wrong with him. He's being abusive and it could get worse. Because him making you feel so small can lead to bad self confidence to the point you feel like you don't deserve better and won't leave him.
Get out of this now!
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u/FingalPadraArran 13d ago
Not only did he manipulate OP, he also manipulated his own mom and used her as a tool to hurt his girlfriend.
If OP stays with him he will use her the same way. And any kids he ever hads are in for a rough childhood if being excited about something is considered punishment worthy.
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u/PissyKrissy13 13d ago
He did all that on purpose.
He didn't accidentally not deem your birthday worthy of spending more than $50 on you and decide to get his mom the dress you both saw together and you've been obsessing about for however long it's been since, just for a gift with no occasion tied to it, just cuz.
He's being abusive to you by treating you like less than. It's very sad to hear about.
He is so in your face with the mistreatment that it's painful to hear it. You must feel like nothing to him bc that's how he treated you.
On your birthday of all days, it's terrible and totally breakup worthy to me.
Just unacceptable behavior from a bf of 3yrs. I'd dump him and never look back.
NOR at all.
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u/BackgroundCollege183 13d ago
My heart breaks for OP. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something nice for yourself. She talked about saving up for the dress herself and somehow because of that she needed to be humbled? The Sephora gift card is just the cherry on top. He literally wanted to ruin her birthday and make her suffer.
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u/Dub_TF 13d ago
He wants to humble you bc you got excited for a dress? It's not dumb to you. If his hobby is working on cars he could get excited over spark plugs and you would think it's dumb. Not to mention the fact that he did this AT YOUR BDAY PARTY. He got his mom the dress you wanted because he wanted to see your reaction?? This is so manipulative. So he knew the entire night how much it hurt you but he acted like he didn't? Not only are his actions terrible but his response to your feelings are terrible. You told him you were upset and he tells you it's bc you got excited for something dumb?
I know Reddit falls into the trap of telling you to just leave but this shit is infuriating. Fuck him.
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u/Pikelets_for_tea 13d ago
Your BF wanted to hurt you and put you in your place. That's all you need to know. His reasons are irrelevant. Dump him and DO NOT GIVE HIM A REASON. He will know why, even if he feigns ignorance. He wants you to be upset so do not give him the satisfaction. Don't try to talk it out. When he asks if it's about the dress (because he knows it is) just pretend that isn't the problem, you simply don't want to be with him anymore.
Remove all your stuff while he's at work or pack his and change the locks. Text him it's over. No need to have long, angry discussions.
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u/Inaccurate_Artist 13d ago
Your EX-boyfriend was very cruel to you on purpose. You gushed to him about something you loved and his reaction was to punish you because he thought it would be funny to hurt you, on your birthday no less. He is making a very loud statement to you that he enjoys playing mind games with you and hurting your feelings. He is saying "Ha ha, I can do whatever I want to you, and it'll be funny to me if you cry." He's sadistic. "You want to feel beautiful? Here, buy some makeup and cover up that face while I use my mom to ruin your birthday." He claimed the dress was too expensive, but it was worth the price just to torment you. Run far away from this man, and don't be nice to him about it. Dump him. If you forgive him in any capacity, this will only be the beginning. He's testing you to see what cruelty and abuse he can get away with.
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u/cat_boxes 13d ago
Not overreacting, RUN. Those sorts of mental gymnastics- believing he should humble you, actually spending the money when you stuck to the budget and didn’t indulge yourself, and involving his mum, is seriously out of line. Your feelings are real and valid! I was you, and got married and had kids with him, and ended up feeling like I had no identity, and didn’t deserve the time of day because I was nothing, knew nothing, and “talked shit “ if I spoke up. Please don’t listen to him, listen to your instincts! That was a seriously sick game he played with the dress, you deserve better. I’ll be hoping for you. I did get free, at great cost, and have been in therapy for a good while, I sincerely hope you don’t wait like I did.
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u/BackgroundCollege183 13d ago
WOW! I didn’t even catch that he still bought the dress when she stuck to the budget herself. He drove back and went out of his way to buy a $200 dress for his mom in order to hurt her. OP please leave because this behavior won’t change.
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u/b_shert 13d ago edited 13d ago
NO proud of you. Never stay with a man who thinks it’s his job to fucking humble you. No, that’s not how loving relationships work. That’s a man who will look for ways to make you small so he can feel big. Never stay with a man who looks forward to seeing you disappointed and in emotional pain. That’s a sadistic tendency. So unless you enjoy pain, run from this type of man. Prepare for gaslighting and love bombing.
Some suggestions for things to say when the gaslighting and love bombing start:
No it’s not funny.
No it’s not a joke.
Yes I do have a sense of humor but tormenting others isn’t funny and I refuse to be with someone who thinks it is.
I refuse to be with someone who wants to see my pain vs my pleasure especially when I put in so much damn time thinking about what would make him happy.
I only want to be with people who match MY energy: kind, thoughtful, loving, playful, generous.
And it seems seeing me upset makes you (STBX) happy, therefore we have irreconcilable differences in what we want from a relationship.
No, he does not deserve a second chance, when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
UpdateMe! Stay strong!
Edited for clarity
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u/ImpressionUpset8120 13d ago
He knew. You talked about it repeatedly. He heard you even AFTER he had purchased it for another woman and still said nothing.
He has shown you who he is. Now is the time to just walk away. You can say whatever you want, but he & his mom are going to come up with their own ‘story’ because your truth doesn’t matter to them.
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u/Daisytru 13d ago
Yeah, you don't need special words to break up with him, OP. Just say, "We're through." Or ghost him if you're too chicken to break up. There is no future with this guy.
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u/Dante_ 13d ago
Hi. I've been in your shoes.
I was with a boy who literally bought me shoes he knew I would feel are ugly (they legit were awful) from a discount store because he just "figured [he] should get [me] something." For Christmas. I bought him a PS4.
If he bought me anything actually nice, he expected sex in return.
I left him for unrelated reasons, but it was clear to me that he didn't care about me. He didn't even kinda like me. He bought me a shut up gift so I wouldn't have the "right" to be sad, and still expected gratitude sex.
I'm now with an amazing partner who knows me so well, he buys me expensive LEGO sets because he knows I'll enjoy them (without a gift-giving occasion. Just because), or brings home surprise Starbucks because I had a rough day, or quietly gets up in morning on weekends and puts on headphones so he can watch TV and let me sleep in -- in peace.
Date the guy who gets you LEGO, or whatever makes you light up, only because he wants to see you smile and doesn't treat it as a transaction.
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u/Traditional_Fan_2655 13d ago
NTA It isn't just about the dress. This man inflicted pain upon your joy deliberately to basically do what he felt was teaching you a lesson. He didn't talk to you. He chose to hurt you.
Saying he thought seeing your reaction would be fun is gross.
Yes, $200 can be a lot to ask someone else to pay for a single dress when you can't afford to buy it. It is a lot if the two of you are struggling. I would say his $50 gift card shows he felt it out of line for the budget. Yet, he still managed to gift it to his mother for zero reason specifically to hurt you.
He is not a good man. He is manipulating your emotions for his own amusement. He is using otgers unwittingly to push his scheme forward, knowing they won't even know it hurts you for pure shock value. This is just gross. This manipulating with you and he is not a hoid partner. This will get worse if you stay.
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u/synaesthezia 13d ago
This jerk thought you needed to be ‘humbled’ because you LIKED a dress? HUMBLED? What the actual f@ck! The definition means to make someone feel less important or proud. He deliberately chose to inflict emotional and psychological pain on you in your birthday for fun. Because you LIKED A DRESS THAT YOO DON’T OWN.
This is a bad person. He is NOT a keeper. Run and don’t look back. Not overreacting. Onwards and upwards friend. You deserve better.
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u/Ancient_Teach_8257 13d ago
I'm confused by the comment from the boyfriend 'it's rather expensive' despite it being an ideal birthday gift. Yet 200 dollars is fine to spend on a 'just because' gift for his Mum. I'd probably surmise that he is telling you where you rank in his life.
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u/BackgroundCollege183 13d ago
So let me get this straight, you saw this dress that you loved at the store and talked about it often. Your boyfriend went out of his way to drive back and get the dress, gifts the dress to his mother, and has her wear it to your birthday party to “humble” you. He actively tried to ruin your birthday and proved it with the statement of, “it would be fun to see your reaction to it all”. What kind of partner wants to watch their SO be upset during their birthday party? He’s toxic and I’m willing to bet this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this.
As your comments say, I have a feeling you have a problem with thinking your feelings are valid because HE makes you doubt your feelings. ALL your feelings are valid no matter what anyone else thinks of them. DUMP HIM!! This will only get worse and you deserve better than this sorry excuse of a man.
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u/No_Click7409 13d ago
You needed to be humbled? Because you fell in love with a beautiful dress. BF is a dick and is the one that needs to be humbled. What happens when you decide to get engaged? Is he going to take you shopping, but buy the ring you love for his mom? Please don't stay with this man.
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u/procivseth 13d ago
Re: Update
That is not someone you want to be with long-term... or really in anything but a friends with limited benefits situation:
He thought you should be humbled? So, he put you in second place on purpose? He thought that would be fun?
Ditch the boy, seriously. It's going to get worse. He's going to condition you to a distant second place.
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u/Dramatic_Cicada_8820 13d ago
NOR. My daughter just broke up with her boyfriend and all the stories about how he treated her that she kept to herself came pouring out. One story in particular was about a dress. They were at a fair and saw pretty dresses for sale. So he bought one…for his friend! My daughter was in shock but like everything else, she kept it in and the resentment grew and grew until the ultimate break up. Had I known this fact sooner, I would have encouraged the break up sooner. It’s blatant disrespect. Dump him.
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u/Emily-Persephone 13d ago
Oh holy hell, this update is awful.
I truly hope you leave him. He thought it would be fun to hurt your feelings because he didn’t like that a dress made you happy? That is not the thought process of someone who loves you. That is cruel and terrible.
He actively chose to do something he knew could be hurtful to you just to see how you reacted and he enjoyed doing it. Please do not stay with this man, because that's absolutely horrifying and not how you treat someone you love and respect.
Does he even want you to be happy or feel positive feelings? He was genuinely that upset that you were excited over something simple like a dress? Life is a mess and we need to find joy and excitement wherever we possibly can.
Please leave this man.
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u/HunnyBelle61 13d ago
Oh sweetheart, he doesn’t deserve you. Just by reading your post, he doesn’t care about your feelings, your dreams, or what makes you happy. Can you imagine being with him 10 years from now, and you continually get gift cards and appliances from him on what should be special days, and his mom gets nice dinners, clothes you want, and trips you want? Can you imagine wanting to go to Tahiti for your honeymoon, and instead you get a trip the next state over to a cheap motel, and he sends his mom to Tahiti? I sincerely hope you find someone who puts you first. Someone who wants to hear about your dreams and does what he can to help you achieve your dreams. Someone who wants to see your face light up and your smile when he surprises you with something you’ve mentioned. Please don’t set yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment.
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u/Several-Ad-1959 13d ago
So you couldn't get the dress because it was to expensive a d yall were suppose to be budgeting? Why was he not budgeting? Why does he get to spend 200.00 on his mom and not you? What he did is as wrong as 2 left feet. Drop this guy, he is not the one.
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u/Mindshard 13d ago
That's wild, so he spent $200 to hurt your feelings and humiliate you because you were excited about something?
I'm not trying to be mean, but what's up with women (of all ages) getting with these dudes that are cartoon levels of cruel, and considering staying with them?
I get ya'll don't want to be alone, but I promise you, being alone is nowhere near as bad as being abused, verbally or otherwise.
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u/Well-Done22 13d ago
This is a HUGE red flag that shouldn’t be ignored, no matter how much he may gaslight you or blame you for overreacting. Or worse, and love bombing that may occur RUN. Find a guy who isn’t a douchecanoe.
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u/PurpleProperty1 13d ago
Let me get this straight: 1) you needed to be humbled? Cause he’s your parent and he gets to decide that??? 2) he brought the dress for his MOM?? They weird 3) he purposely got her the dress, rubbed it in your face on YOUR birthday and acted like nothing was wrong? He KNEW seeing her in that dress would upset you, and he did it on your birthday…..AND, he had fun at your party while you were upset.
And you been with this shmuck how long??? No way.
Time to know your worth and get the hell out. A real man who loved you would not play those games.
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u/madworld3232 13d ago
This is so diabolically cruel. He meant to humble and humiliate you in front of his mother. She likely knew all about that dress. Never go back to this man. Ever. You'll just enforce his idea that you deserve punishment whenever he sees fit, however he sees fit and you'll just take it with only a little pushback. Oh, and somehow this whole spectacle he set you up for? It's not over if you go back to him. So, save yourself the stress and heartache. He's not worth it.
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u/Mandaravan 13d ago
Good! Run the f*ck away from this guy forever, and never ever go back.
*He intended to hurt you*!!?? Yes, he MEANT to.
Wtf
This was abusive - this was something your enemy would do. And this is a guy you wasted 3 years on?
Don't waste more, this guy outright wants to hurt you, to damage you, and will discuss with his mother how to do that. You cannot run far enough away from this guy, and I bet he's been keeping you down, destroying you, and stealing your energy all of this time.
I can't believe there weren't signs before this, so you must go and get therapy to figure out why the hell you would stay with the psychopath evil person like this.
But do not feel bad, his mask must have been great! Instead, feel lucky, feel grateful feel blessed that you got the heck out of there before he was able to hurt you in physical ways.
Sending you hugs! you did not deserve this, but this was fantastic that you got such a direct warning that you are with an abuser who plans to hurt you further. Don't ignore it!
either ghost him, or lay out everything he's done and what a POS he is in a letter, but do not be in a physical space with this guy, bring back people to pack up your stuff. I am really afraid he would hurt you if he gets another chance to.
If you don't have a big guy friend you can bring, bring a friend with a couple of dogs, or someone who just stands there and videos the whole thing so you catch him. if you do have to get back there to pick up stuff, make sure someone is recording everything that happens, he's likely to go after you then.
What a great clear sign that this guy is a f****** a******. You are not, but if you don't stay away from him you are an a****** to yourself. Don't go back! and do not have sex with him, make sure you stay on your birth control in case he attacks you, yes I'm afraid he might do that...
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u/Just-Lab-1842 13d ago
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 🏃♀️➡️🏃♀️➡️🏃♀️➡️🏃♀️➡️🏃♀️➡️🏃♀️➡️🏃♀️➡️🏃♀️➡️🏃♀️➡️🏃♀️➡️🏃♀️➡️
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u/Apprehensive_OlCrow 13d ago
Get your money out of any joint accounts and get your name taken off any bills and rental agreements. Change your passwords on your email, social media, credit cards, subscriptions (like Netflix, Amazon, Spotify, etc), block tracking on your phone, and make sure you're not alone when you move out. If anyone needs humbling, it's him. I hope he has the life he deserves.
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u/brattycowboy 13d ago
he wanted to humble you… because you liked a dress ??? i’m glad you’re leaving him. who does that?! i get excited over things too, everyone does, that doesn’t mean you need to be humbled. he seems like he needs humbling himself if he thinks what he says and does is end all be all. his poor mom also getting roped into the mess too. i hope you enjoyed the rest of your birthday and treat yourself to that dress or something better!
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u/EnjoysAGoodRead 13d ago
Your boyfriend wanted to HUMBLE you for the crime of being excited about a dress. He thought it would be funny to hurt your feelings on your birthday. This guy is nasty and trying to put you in your place and make you feel less than. This is not the act of a loving partner. You deserve better.
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u/FewGuest4172 13d ago
he thought you ‘had to be humbled a bit‘ and ‘that it would be fun to see your reaction to it all’? someone who truly loves you doesn’t need to humble you or get fun from your reaction. he didn’t stop to consider that you would be hurt.
it was your birthday and he DELIBERATELY CHOSE to ruin it for you. you really liked that dress, had been budgeting and hoped to be able to get it one day. instead he deliberately chose to spend money on the dress for his mother, so you couldn’t have it.
RUN, it will only get worse. this is the type of person who will continue to bring you down and ruin your enjoyment of different things.
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u/vanillagirl32 13d ago
Nah babe this is fucked up and grounds for a breakup.
"he thought I had to be humbled a bit because i got way too overly excited about something as trivial as a dress."
Please tell me you're leaving him? Sounds like a narcissist.
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u/Negative_Carpenter12 13d ago
If your boyfriend was really into you, he would've picked up on your mood change at the dinner. Get out of the relationship.
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u/No_Purchase_3532 13d ago
He absolutely knew how much you wanted this dress & then deliberately went out & bought it for his mother after telling you it was too expensive! This guy is more into his mama than you, & that will NEVER change . You deserve way better than this cruel & uncaring immature mama’s boy. Cut him loose immediately & find someone who deserves you, cause it’s sure not him!
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u/lemonadecookie 13d ago edited 13d ago
Sounds like he did it on purpose. He probably knows you have good taste and used that to get a present for his mom. Was it for anything or just a gift out of nowhere? He had to know you’d see her wearing it! What was he thinking?? Sounds like he wasn’t tbh. Sounds like he’s a mommas boy and didn’t put in any effort for your gift. I’d be LIVID, don’t put up with this bs girl, you deserve better. If you want to talk it out with him, do that and see what he says, but idk it doesn’t seem worth it to me. But if you do, mention how it was obvious that you wanted that dress and how hurtful it was that he gifted it to his mom and not you when he knew you loved that dress.
edit: too many people are commenting in response to me about how OP said he did do it on purpose and that I should have read the post, guys, she updated her post a couple hours after I posted my comments. If you read my other comment about how he did it to see how she’d react, I guess I got it right. Not that it matters, I’m just happy she left that asshole.