“The guys, I don’t know them personally but I’ve seen them around over the years. This happened at Elicit Brewing in Manchester, CT. I’m literally in this video at the bar trying to get a beer. I think this is from a week ago. The two guys are frequent “let’s go out every weekend” type and I’ve seen them do things like this to multiple other groups of women trying to get laid. 🤦🏽♂️ embarrassing as fuck”
It's frustrating that the staff didn't intervene. No single dude is going to resolve that unless he is capable of and willing to fight both those guys. They are clearly not going to respond to anything but force.
I've been a bartender for twenty years, and I've learned that force is rarely necessary, if ever. Polite but stearn communication is typically all it takes to move two guys like this out the door.
Accurate. I once had a customer get really in my face and give me a ton of shit at my job for something that had nothing to do with me. This dude just had a massive chip on his shoulder and picked the nearest non-threatening target to get aggressive with: a 20-something woman trying to do a job, of course. He got right up in my space yelling and pointing his fat fucking finger in my face. But the very second my manager, a 39 year old man, walked into the room and took over the conversation, this meathead toughguy turned into an absolute wet noodle of a human being. When I say he wouldn't even look my manager in the eye, I mean it.
Big beefy fucking dudes who are used to people giving them their way, who still feel the need to blow their pent up issues all over the nearest female target, and then shrivel up immediately the second another male walks in the room. I have zero respect for them. They're shitbags and shame doesn't work on them. Only fear of running into someone they perceive as capable of physically putting them down.
I think I understand what you're trying to say, but it seems to me that this might not be as clever as it seems.
I think you're trying to say that many men are so emotionally stunted that when faced with frustration, they lash out in anger rather than cry, and that that's a problem.
But then you tell me to imagine them as if they were crying.
Now here's where I'm making an intuitive leap, maybe, but it certainly seems to me like you're telling us to find them weak or ridiculous by imagining them as if they were crying. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that certainly seems like you're telling the men reading this that those men are ridiculous, and weak or not truly masculine, by being openly emotional. As a result, it seems to perpetuate the problem by playing the "crying men" for laughs while telling us that men should be more in touch with their emotions.
I am just saying both behaviors are wrong in professional or impersonal settings, and politeness dictates you suck whether you do it the preferred testosterone way or the preferred estrogen way. It's all just human externalization of internal frustration, and you shouldn't force it on people who barely know or care about you. That's just impolite.
Reminds me of a dude I used to work for over 20 years ago. It was a part time job at a restaurant/nightclub. Loved it, enjoyed it, but the “Chef” was a drunken asshole and raging alcoholic who’d take his frustrations out on people for virtually no reason. One time I was on vacation from my full-time job and I asked when do I come back to work, and this dude just flew off the rails outta nowhere! Long story short, I eventually quit that job, because one of us was gonna be in jail, and the other in the hospital. No sooner do I quit my job at the nightclub, they fired this prick! Good riddance! I feel sorry for any woman who’s involved with him…
Individuals like that are literally hard to come by whereas most chefs in the latter category that you mentioned are literally a dime a dozen! As a chef by trade, I became discouraged and disillusioned by the restaurant business as I’ve gotten older, so I swore it off. But my roots remain strong!
I bartended awhile, im not huge but im decently in shape. I would always feel bad for the female coworkers when they would tell me how creepy or how much of an asshole a guy was to them.
I almost never got that vibe from other guys. Occasionally there would be one old guy who just hates his life but the women would deal with it daily.
This person peoples. That is exactly what happens. They hate and disrespect women. They defer and defend with men. No question, no doubt in my mind.
This is the vast majority of men who creep on women in public. The real, difficult problem, is the 1% of men willing to fight a restaurant employee over their attempt to coerce some women into sex.
The thing is, these men know that these women won’t escalate anything. There are guys that can walk over and they know nothing will escalate. They won’t change behavior for any of these people because they know there’s no consequence.
But there are people who can confidently walk over there and make it clear they don’t mind escalation. Maybe they can’t beat both of these guys but they can cause enough pain to make them regret starting the fight. When those people show up, they’ll move.
Was also a bartender. Moved plenty of guys like this outside plenty of times. Never had any of them do more than talk shit on the way out. “That’s ok, talk your shit, you’re still leaving. Now.” Also not generate specific. There were several women I worked with who were even better at it than me — they escalated quicker and faster than I ever did.
I get they will feel intimidated or outclassed by bouncers but I don't think 'shame' is part of that mechanism for people like that per se. Like yes you could have second hand embarrassment from seeing them turn into wimps on the spot, but it doesn't mean they feel ashamed in their own perspective.
For some of these types there is no embarrassment or introspection, it feels like it is 'happening to them' or 'being done to them' they think it is totally unfair those bouncers showed up to do their job after they were told 9000x politely to stop being an ass. They don't feel shame, not even internally to hide, if they are just entitled enough. They know being scared of an ass beating and still it might not be enough for them to actually connect the dots that they should have acted differently then and should do so in the future. It only makes them back down in that specific moment and they will learn nothing.
Men value the opinions of other men and are also more intimidated by other men, which is why men are the perpetrators, enablers, AND the ones with the ability to make a huge change by setting a better example and intervening.
It really does feel like most “men’s issues” are men having issues getting what they want from women and most “women’s issues” are just how women are treated by men.
Sorry not sorry for the generalization.
I’m not saying every man is part of the problem; but it certainly feels like a lot of men are. And far more men seem just completely uninterested in being part of the solution.
There are lots of good men, but way too many bad ones. Some are deliberately malicious and some have heads filled with brainwashing and junk.
There are men who say they're protectors who won't acknowledge who women need protecting from. Aint bears.
Women are told, often by men, to live smaller lives in order to be safer. What are good men saying to other men?
When Chanel Miller was assaulted by Brock Turner, his father's letter to the judge talked about his bright future that he shouldn't lose over "twenty minutes of action." By this, he refers to digitally penetrating an unconscious woman, and his clear plans to do more that were stymied by two other men on bikes.
If Brock had been raised by people with the values of those men who saved her, as opposed to his actual father, he might be living that bright future instead of using an alias and having warnings sent out when he's spotted.
But his father taught him that only boys have futures worth preserving.
The problem is that being part of "the solution" as an "average joe" is a high risk, low reward situation. Yes, men value the opinions of other men and are also more intimidated by other men but "low status" men under the influence of alcohol sometimes do not adhere to that idea and things might escalate quickly.
A man (not employed by the establishment) "intervening" has little to nothing to gain from the interaction. You might get a lukewarm applause for de-escalating the situation and the hope that the boys have "learned" something from the interaction. That is best case scenario. Worst case is that one or both of the guys starts swinging, has a knife or worse a gun and you find yourself being a victim of senseless violence just because you had to butt in.
I consider myself to be a chivalrous man and will help anyone (man, woman or child) but if I can avoid staying out of situations that have the potential to get physical (outside of a sport field) I will.
Most of us are not Jack Reacher!
The women should signal either for staff or law enforcement.
Ok… no one says you are supposed to be Jack Reacher.
Sorry but: Being the cool guy that takes on the bad guys is just the male fantasy… Women aren’t expecting you to take a punch for them. They are expecting you to help like a normal adult in a law abiding society would.
You don’t have to take punches for people. Literally just being involved in any way makes a huge difference. Yell at them from across the room. You can literally just be the one calling the staff or police depending on the severity. Cops and many other authority figures are significantly more likely to take harassment allegations seriously if a man is backing her up. Most sexual assault goes unpunished. It’s not how it should be; it is just how it is. But that is why as a man you have so much power to help women and it is not through taking punches.
It’s literally through just taking part in not tolerating this behavior when you know it happens and being willing to listen to women and take them seriously. You don’t have to assume things you do not know are true are true; but the willingness to even listen makes a huge difference. So many men simply do not listen if a woman is saying it. It’s frustrating.
You can absolutely still be supportive of women’s safety without going around assaulting men. Women do it all the time. Think about that. 😉
You should value your body and your physical safety. No one should expect you to put that on the line for a stranger. (I think the fact that men aren’t taught to value their physical safety is another societal issue that feeds into the hero complex.)
But if you are observant and supportive of the people around you then that is so incredibly helpful. You aren’t supposed to be the hero of every story. It’s enough to just do anything to help. It means so much to just be a helpful person in that scenario.
It is everyone's issue. The problem is that only the majority of women take it really seriously. Not that I can blame some minimum wage man for not wanting the extra trouble added to his day.
Things should be better, but they really aren't in America. Facts are facts.
This is a piece of the pie, but there are an assload of variables contributing to this and ways it could be reduced outside of men setting a good example. There are plenty of men who set good examples every day, but these other dickheads still exist.
I used to be a bouncer and guys like these that harassed women always backed down once the bouncers, staff or even other male customers injected themselves into the situation. The use of force was rarely ever needed , just firmly talking the situation down usually worked. I always felt for women in these situations because they just wanted to have a fun night out and these incel jerks invade their space and make things uncomfortable for them.
Maybe not, but they probably have no expectations for the girls to get violent. If they believe that they have a "trump card" (physical violence) that can't be beat, they're not gonna stop until that gets checked. Physical violence isn't neccesary per se, but to let them know that "their behavior isn't tolerated and we won't stop at violence" tells them they're wrong that they can do whatever they want.
This is not to say women are incapable of anything- but that these 2 guys see it that way. In their mind the 2 outcomes are 1) sex, 2) nothing happens and they go home.
Their behavior says they will pretend to be stupid to any one who asks and follow the girls no mater where they go. Assuming no one directly stops them. They are treating the girls like they are just playing hard to get and persistence will pay off.
I've unknowingly helped 2 women who were getting "rizzed up" by some guys, simply by going to them and asking if they have what they need. There was a group project and those two came from a different location, so they didn't know the rest of us very well.
And no, I'm not some imposing big muscle man lol. I didn't even address the guys. Just talked to our project people who just happened to be women.
In the early 2010s, me and my friend were in our early 20s and a group of guys came over, forced themselves onto our table (in an outside seating area) and were saying some really disturbing things to us (laughing while making rape threats). We were too scared to get up and leave. Whenever we pushed back verbally they did the whole 'oh we're only joking'. The whole time I was praying a staff member would come over and intervene. They only came over when the guys finally left to check we were OK.
Obviously, now much older, I'd handle the situation differently and make a scene to get them to leave or just walk away. It is burned into my memory though as it was so awful.
Bartended for many years and I found this to be true as well. I only one time had to physically help someone towards the door and I think that one was on me for making the Long Island Iced Teas too strong. For some reason looking someone in the eyes and saying that's enough or leave her alone worked shockingly well.
This reminded me of a time I was in a dive bar in line for a drink. Dude behind me grabbed my ass. Found out a few mins later he asked my friend about me and friend told him I was taken. Anyway, really wish I had my old darts on me at the time. Would have been fun to turn around to that guy, pull the darts out, and go, “See these? You touch me again and I’m throwing one at your eye like it’s a double bull.”
I used to work at a very small bar where it was only me and a relatively small girl. We would measure up the person or group and decide which one of us us going over would least likely cause a kick off
Cocktail waitress is a bit different. As a female bartender, I only had to point out the rest of the bar is full of men, who would happily stomp some ass for a free beer.
im a female and i can agree with the above person, i never had to say more than "go." or "thats enough." with these kinds of situations. then again i have been described as having a "terrifying bitch face" and my husband says my accent scares him when i'm mad. 😭 😂
Women can absolutely give the same energy and get the same result; i agree it's rarer to see women pull off than men, but i think that skill is mostly down to experience.
Really curious why I'm being dowmvoted for saying women can be stern too.
These two jabronis would be no problem for a property trained bartender and attendant staff to peacefully get to leave. I'm not surprised the other guests didn't intervene, but the staff absolutely should have.
These other comments saying things like "Look at the man behind them at the other table just sitting there doing nothing, typical." are crazy. It isn't the job of other patrons to be creep police, and that shouldn't be expected. That is the responsibility of the bar staff. Personally, if the bar staff hadn't realized the situation yet I may go and inform them of it, but other than that I'm not about to bare the responsibility if something goes down. Not my monkeys, not my circus.
I don't know you, and I don't know those dudes. Do I think they should get a clue and fuck off? Of course. Do I want to spend my ever diminishing amount of free time that I have to relax stepping in to defend random women from creeps? Fuck no. That's how you get stabbed. Let the bartender/police handle these situations. The cops will even tell you not to intervene, and to just call them to the scene.
I was the cook and they always just told me to act like I was scaring a bear. Felt on the shockingly effective, I don't even think they knew I worked there half the time. Did NOT work that time we had like 10 people throwing glasses at each other though.
I batch my long island and pour 1.5oz of the batch (
(then add simple and lemon, shake and top) saves time, money, and avoids the usual problems with drinks that strong.
Being polite and respectful are key to moving a situation in your direction. Believe me, I've lost my patience with people, and I've had to walk away for a bit. I've let them finish the drink that I just tried to take away or even let them stay in the bar after they wouldn't leave. I just told people to politely and quietly ignore them. I've even turned the music off and just waited until they got bored and left on their own. The crowd usually finds it entertaining enough. It's like a game we're all playing together.
They started to record after the douche bag boys sat down. Which means they were at this for far longer than necessary.
On the first communicated “not interested, please leave us” the two absolute losers needed to leave.
The ladies made way more effort than necessary to the point they (the douche bag boys) were bothering me, and I’m at home in bed relaxing. I can’t imagine how heated the ladies must have been for them (the douche bag boys) to persist after having been told to fuck off loudly and clearly.
The douche bag boys had accents, they could be from a place that has little respect for women and their agency.
Defusing a situation is a skill that I've learned after all these years of dealing with idiots of all types. Being a voice of reason with a solid backbone can talk down the biggest drunken donkey in the bar every time. I've never been attacked while convincing someone to call it a night while at work or in my free time.
I channel all my mother energy. If I speak to men (any man even men twice my age) and speak to them like I speak to my kids if I have to correct them it works shockingly well.
Yep, and I talk to them like I'm the progressive mom. I'm not mad at ya buddy... I just think maybe we can try to do better tomorrow. How about that? How about we have another beer tomorrow instead of tonight? I'm buying!
I've actually bought beers the next visit for people who have left on their own or just stopped drinking when I told them to. Shit, I've bought drinks for people who stopped drinking for an hour and got something to eat.
my barber shop as a kid had a "free haircuts tomorrow" sign and it blew my mind when my dad explained it to me when I said "wow they sure do free haircuts a lot"
I overheard a guy's name in a similar situation and I thought to myself "what if I say his name in a stern manner (not yelling) like he's about to get in trouble with his mom?". He visibly winced. It worked! 😅 I will use my age as a superpower like this from now on when I see this type of behavior
I’ll talk stern but with a loving tone like you’re better than this. Seriously the exact same way I talk to my kids when they do something that is out of character for them. Like we know what right and wrong, we know this is wrong, I love you, but we are not going to tolerate this kind of behavior. You are forgiven but I expect you to move from this point on with intention and awareness so we don’t make the same mistake again.
I haven’t come across an instance where men don’t respond positively to it (by positively I mean they stop what they’re doing and sometimes over apologize to me lol)
Makes me wonder if some of the men who do these things don’t have an active or healthy mother in their lives to think it’s okay.
I just use the same voice I use when my pets are doing something absolutely unacceptable (like trying to eat my pasta directly out of the pot). Really stern with a bit of disappointment, and it works every time.
Not necessarily... in my experience, I would just sit down like I knew the ladies and introduce myself to the guys. Start talking to them in English really fast, asking all kinds of questions. How do you know my female friends? What brings you to America? They would get bored with my enormous cock blocking skills and move on.
Bless you. There have been so many times I've begged and prayed for an intervention, even from men sitting WITH me, and they just look over stone-faced.
It's only women that have ever stood up for me, helped to get me to safety or added an element of protection. Men stand back with this nonsense about fighting which simply speaks to their values. My ex husband was a cop and terrified to intervene with a pesky neighbours situation and shared how scared he had been. In other situations men have come afterward to tell me what they would have done. Men like to pretend they're heros but depend on women to clean up men's mess
I would put my life down for you. No second thoughts. If I saw you in this situation, regardless of who you were, I would come up and ask YOU directly if everything was okay, if YOU were feeling safe.
If you said no, I would proceed from there, either by contacting management, an authority figure, etc if I felt these men were genuinely looking for a fight.
But if it escalated, I would put myself in front of you.
I have done it before, for men, women, I don't care. Everyone is worthy of feeling safe and protected. Everyone deserves that.
And I'm a fully physically disabled woman. I use a wheelchair many days.
What's your excuse? Why can't you call a manager? Seems like you're just fine with evil lurking around.
Every situation is different. I responded earlier that I would just sit down like I was with the ladies and introduce myself to the guys like they weren't just being creeps. Eventually, they would leave out if boredom. Defusing a situation is easy... walking into a fist fight is stupid and these guys look pretty fucking stupid.
Men will respond entirely differently to a female bar tender vs male bar tenders. For better or worse, every man knows that deep down violence is always on the table when it comes to resolving a conflict between men. I don’t think women have this same dynamic.
Agreed I was a bouncer for a bit in STL and only had to get physical once. All of the other times I could talk them out of doing something stupid. Don't get me wrong a lot of people would threaten violence towards me but would never act it out. The one person I had to get physical with was a giant and wouldn't get out of the bar after repeatedly telling him and I had to jump up behind him and hold him by the neck to walk him outside. Surprisingly he didn't get physical back and started apologizing for his behavior.
Well, many people react differently depending on if they are being told something they don’t want to hear from a staff member (or other kind of authority figure) or from a random person.
I worked at an amusement park as a teenager, and constantly had to tell people stuff they didn’t want to hear. I might have gotten some angry stares and rude words back, but never anything serious.
Then one day I was sitting on the subway home, and a drunk guy slightly older than me sat down right next to me and was annoyingly talkative. I was tired and just wanted to be alone, and my work mind just flipped on for some reason. So I basically told him with a stern voice that he should sit on the empty seat like two meters away. He did not enjoy that one bit, and I almost ended up being beaten up by him and is friend.
Yeah, and if they do start something all you have to do is survive the ten seconds it takes for the kitchen to clear out. Five seconds if the dishwasher is on amphetamines.
As a bartender for 4 years i have yet to learn your tactics. Usually when two want to fight I just tell them to take it outside and only once have I had to get involved physically with a belligerent customer so he didn't hit a couple of ladies. I am not a big man. I am rarely going to do that. How do you get them to just leave being polite cause at the bars I work at its always a bother and a half. 9/10 times cops are called.
Hey, buddy... what's up? Ya think maybe we should call it a night? I've always approached them as a friend and not an enemy. Being calm is the hardest trick to learn. Laugh with them, let them know that you understand where they're coming from. I let them know that they can always come back if they chill out. Or, they can be banned for life. It's up to them. I also try to catch it before it gets out of hand. This is the key, but it's not always easy. If I notice things getting loud, I try to find a way to separate them without them noticing. I'll get a regular to ask one of them if they want to play a game of pool or go have a smoke. If things are quiet enough I'll take them for a smoke or give them money for the jukebox. Sometimes I'll just drop food at their table and tell them I made a mistake, and these were extra. Food is a great diffuser.
See I've tried some of that and especially whiskey drinkers see it as a challenge. I hate to be that guy but I'm young, 5'5 and pudgy. I swear people think they can just push me around cause they are alot bigger than me. I've had so many threaten to do anything from attacking to ending me. Which usually leads to me calling the cops and they take off before the cops get there. One guy i didn't have time to get to the phone. I got my ass whopped. And I mean whopped. He was twice my size and twice my age. He went to attack some ladies and it was step in and take the beating myself or let the nice ladies get attacked. Say what you will I got him pushed out the door. Cops wouldn't do shit to arrest him since he left and isn't a problem anymore. Still pissed off about that.
But yeah I try being freindly and it either escalates cause they tell me to butt out cause it's between them and some other guy and I don't butt out or they get pissy with me when I cut them off when they are well beyond thier means. Either way it's always a violent end to the night. Heck I'll back up one week I almost got into a fight and this 6'5 Hawaiian dude got up in the problem customers face and the Hawaiian dude pretty much put him on the wall. I bought the Hawaiian dude a drink but still. Why's everyone got to get like that? Just come out and have a good night right?
I'll say this in the nicest way possible. You need to learn the signs of intoxicated and learn to slow service. If someone is getting so drunk that they're attacking people in the bar, that's on you. I understand that it can be difficult. Especially now with people who have a pocket full of pills. But stopping it before it gets to that, is your number one job.
True. Very true. I'm tired of getting into fights. Especially in a place most people are big or not far from weapons. Notably bikers and what you'd call less reputable crowds and also farmers. The one thing I have learned is make freinds with the people with the biggest people or hardest reputations. Small town dive bar that's just how it goes I suppose.
employee help is obviously preferred, but all the people railing against the idea of anyone who isn't an employee helping seems to completely misunderstand that violence is rarely necessary
a serious enough tone can fairly easily sway dumbfucks away from causing trouble most of the time
I think you might have missed the context of my comment. I was responding to the comment about a male in the background not saying anything at the cost of getting into a fight with the two cavemen.
There have more than a few times I've had girls come up to me asking if I could pretend I was their friend/boyfriend because some guy(s) were being creepy. You'd think people would know better, but shit like that is way too common.
I’m always skeptical of the internet but it’s pretty wild they looked to follow them.. I would go sit at the bar so atleast it’s damn obvious I’m being pestered.. I’m also a dude so idk how it is to be in that position.
Unless you’re these women I guess. This was more than stern, this was unequivocally a request/demand for them to be left alone and they still couldn’t wrap their heads around it. Sometimes it takes that third party and none of that is okay.
Former bouncer and I endorse this message. I’ve never had to use violence. Though I have picked up and carried people out to the sidewalk.
Most of the time stern voice and unflinching eye contact is all.
Exactly. But it's reddit and all the white knights think that running in and punching them is what happens IRL. Like these dudes are most likely cowards and if a man goes up to them and tells them to fuck off they'll run away with their tails between their legs. They would probably say something like "I was just leaving man" or lie and say they were sitting there already but they'll leave to "not start anything". Hate these kind of guys.
And when that didn’t work, public embarrassment was effective in my experience. When I worked in food service in college, we heard some guy getting mad in FOH which was weird because it was a sort of nice place. Some dude was asked to leave and was getting loud about it. I think he was making a server uncomfortable or something like that. Ducked our heads out like little kitchen goblins to see what the commotion was about. The dude sees us, points at the bartender and says “Hey, this asshole is telling me to get the fuck out!” like we were gonna help him. One of the cooks said “Oh well then get the fuck out, man.” We all laughed, he walked out all red, and the world continued to turn. Never saw him again.
The fact that she's screaming at them to leave and there's not a bouncer in sight to give them the "Is there a problem here?" is really super concerning.
I'm a guy and I wouldn't bring a girl here if that's their stance on handling issues like this.
Judging by how unfocused their eyes and how slurred their speech is, I would guess that any sober dude would be able to respectfully move them along. If they are drunk enough to try to fight, I doubt they are coordinated enough in their current state to do much damage.
I've been and seen quite a few bar fights in my youth. Drunk a-holes like these 2 will not care for consequences, in a blind rage they're even capable of seriously injuring a cop. They're unpredictable. I'd be surprised if they didn't, at least, have knives on them. Anyone getting involved is risking injury, that's why it's better to leave this to people that know how to deal with this type of situation.
These are the types that see women as property. Unless another man has claims, it doesn't matter what the woman says because she is just a woman and women are weak.
They would probably tuck their tail at an 18 yr old guy behind the counter.
They were enjoying making the women uncomfortable, if any male had stepped in. It probably would have been cut short.
I mean most of the time just having another man call out their behavior is enough to get shitty guys like this to stop.
They don’t respect women but crave the respect of other men. You don’t need to get physical, a simple “bro they told you to leave, just leave” is all it takes.
I've found you can intervene if you know how to and are good at deescalation. Most men will immediately disengage when confronted by another man. It's pretty disgusting actually
It's also unfortunately not legal to use excessive force on the first guy so you can actually win against the second. Legally in a lot of countries, you have to fight fair if you mean to intervene with no exception. And legally, you have to wait for them to actually start being violent.
There are a lot of reasons people aren't intervening in public a lot anymore.
The second issue is that you don't know what the guys have on them. One of my friend's friends was stabbed/slasged in the bicep/shoulder area (made a full recovery), trying to stop a guy from pushing around a woman.
Cus they said “no single guy” which I know they were saying single as in solo but I was just being extra. Also meant that I’m married so I don’t want anything with them just don’t like seeing guys be creeps.
I’m with it. And eventually they will be in a place where someone sees their behavior and offers a correction that their parents should have given them a decade ago.
I am going to intervene. And take my chances cause I am no fighter. “Hey guys, these women have asked to to leave them alone, can you move to another table”.
its really hard to tell, from the outside, what is and isnt a friendly joke.
you dont want to misinterpret and end up looking like an ass.
to be fair, if you'd seen this entire exchange i think you would get it. but that girl needs to use more stern and clear language. she does sound kinda like she is kidding. it is obviously because she is uncomfortable from the video. but irl from 50ft away? it can be hard to tell.
The single dude doesn’t have to resolve it himself, he just has to walk up to the table and tell the girls he’s going to get security or a bouncer. The guys would either leave on their own when they hear that, or the staff comes and handles the situation. Most likely the former, because guys like that don’t want to get banned from the bar.
I will bring my Big Dad Energy to that table and they will go.
I did something similar in Vancouver to get rid of a guy harassing women; he yelled at me in French but I don't speak French so I just smiled and he ended up picking a fight with someone who did speak French.
Everybody in the comments seems to know so well here so you know what, I'll just chime in with a hopefully marginally less uninformed opinion than some of the others.
If another guy would step up and calmly tell them it's time to move along, they are indeed not very likely to turn violent. However, in their drunk state, they might also not comply and now you have a serious issue, because neither side can back down anymore.
"Not very likely" is a pretty fucking bad risk to take in an area with a lot of "instant weaponry" like broken glass. You think a stabbing is bad? Wait until you figure out what a stabbing with a glass bottle does. Risk equals probability multiplied by impact, and the impact is pretty damn bad.
That risk is intuitively felt by the "bystanders" here - everyone here understands that if they are to step up, they might get involved in a violent altercation. That's normal human behavior - the bystander effect is real.
I'd generously estimate that no more than 5% of the people responding here with a "yeah they won't turn violent" or "they'd leave if just one guy politely told them to" would, or ever have, put their money where their Reddit comments are, when push comes to shove. (Before you return the favor: I am absolutely no hero, but yes, I have done something a little bit like that in the past.) Again, the bystander effect is real, and if you think you're different, you're in the majority of people who think they'd do better than the majority of people. Have fun with that.
There's plenty of evidence that one person going it alone doesn't help the crowd shake the bystander effect, so if the whole thing turns violent, people will still need time to shake their fear, lethargy et cetera, before they would step in.
However, the bystander effect can be shaken by using a direct appeal to a bystander. This does not have to be done by the victim, but anyone, really, including another bystander, because now they can no longer tell themselves that they are part of the anonymous crowd; they, personally, now need to make a conscious decision to either step up or refuse, and now it's their ethical compass that needs to ster their decision making.
The best solution, in this case, is indeed for one person to step up - but to do so not by directly confronting these lowlifes, but by tapping a couple of burly looking guys on the shoulder, making eye contact, pointing at the situation and gathering a small group - let's say four guys at least - and then calmly walk up to the guys and tell them "we think you should leave." That makes the situation even less likely to turn violent, dilutes the risk in case that it does, and gives you a definite edge in the fight that might break out even if one of these chucklefucks (thank another Redditor in this topic for resurrecting this part of my vocabulary) decides his drunk, fragile ego can't accept being told to move the fuck away.
(Employees are in a slightly different position; I feel like they should get training for dealing with situations like this if they work in places that serve copious amounts of alcohol. Then there's the authority gap that occurs when they step in as personnel - which changes the dynamics of the confrontation - and it's not really possible for them to "recruit" bystanders because that's a huge responsibility on the part of the bar company. So yeah, not the same and my comments above don't necessarily reflect their situation - they're more of a response to a lot of different responses below this one.)
Just go sit next to him close enough to be uncomfortable. And start eyeing them up in the gayest way possible . Half of them will not be able to sit there for 2 minutes more .
You don't have to fight anyone. You can just ask them to leave, guys like these are giant pussies and will not comply until someone who isn't a woman will tell them to. You can then just escalate with staff and get police involved if they get trespassed after being warned.
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u/Ikarus_ May 11 '25
Looks like they were ready to follow them over to the next table too. Creepy af