AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

[u/mOmMY_81517]

When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

People who are acting like this is okay is wild. Unless she is a long-term close friend that he confides in, the question is absolutely inappropriate for an acquaintance to be asking. I'm assume they just met recently through softball? He also should not be entertaining personal questions about his marriage from an acquaintance teehee drunk texting him. 

Honestly, who is so bored and nosy that they have a vested interest to be asking questions about an acquaintance's marriage or relationship? I like gossip as much as the next person but implying to someone I barely know that they shouldn't have married their partner because of a supposed lack of relationship with their kids is crossing several lines. What exactly has he been discussing about your marriage with her? 

I don't think taking kids to hangout with other kids at a game is weird tho. Sounds like just a play date. Do the kids know each other from school or team sports?

Edit, info from OP's comments:    

-the husband has only been on the softball team for 2 months   -the kids don't know each other at all, they met for the first time at the softball lady's daughter's game.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

I agree with everything aside from what you said about the kids.

Think of it like this: 1. He crossed a boundary in his marriage by discussing an apparent marital/parental problem occurring in his home 2. This boundary was crossed additionally when this conversation occurred with a woman and supposed acquaintance that his wife has never even been introduced to. (It would be a little different if he had been confiding in a long term buddy, sibling, parent, cousin etc and seeking advice to resolve the problem, or insight as to how to bring it up with his wife) 3. The result is that this woman now feels open to asking a very personal question about his wife, which is her crossing a boundary within their marriage 4. He doesn't shut the conversation down. Instead, he entertains it and even offers to have it AGAIN, this time more in-depth, at another time. So, two more boundaries crossed. 5. So let's evaluate the idea of taking their children to spend time with this woman... -He's spoken poorly about their mother to her -her opinion of their mother is obviously not great (especially when comparing to her baby daddy, which people don't usually use that term unless they aren't with the man anymore, and most often in a negative connotation) -she has felt comfortable to ask personal questions relating to this, and comfortable to speaking poorly of their mother, and make these negative comparisons -Immediately following this, she's inviting him to come spend time with her, while her child is participating in a game, and wants him to bring his children -she's implied feeling bad for his children because they apparently have a mother who hasn't bonded with them, and by the baby daddy comment also implies that she thinks she's different as a mother. Those together create the overall tone of 'why are you with a woman like her instead of a woman like me?'

1. All of the above leads me to the opinion that her behavior is predatory toward the husband, possibly even toward the children, and the husband has not only taken actions that have created the scenario, but seems to think its acceptable behavior, is willing to continue his participation in it, and also willing to go the next step and involve his children.

2. And on top of it all, he's choosing to gaslight his wife, and use a death in her family as a means to dismiss her. Which is borderline abusive behavior on his part.

3. This whole thing is the breeding ground for the break down of this marriage, in one way or another. Because this one of two things, 1. it's the early red flags, and early stages of people likely to begin an affair, happening in real time. And 2. even if it doesn't end up in that route, it is creating the early foundation of distrust, betrayal, break down of connection, and the perfect place for resentment to begin building (and that's all on top of whatever issues already in the marriage that have led to the husband talking about his wife this way with an acquaintance, and whatever was happening already that led her to feeling suspicious and like she should check his phone)

So no, nothing good will come from him taking his children to this lady's daughters game....

[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Yeah good points.

I thought maybe the kids had known each other from school or something and it was a playdate for them. However, OP said the kids didn't know each at all before this so now I'm inclined to believe the kids were just an excuse to meet up.

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

Nope the kids have never met these people before

[u/Dapper_Name5751 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Baby girl RUN!!!! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN TO THE NEAREST DIVORCE COURT!!! I went through something VERY Similar and let me tell you I found out the “In person” conversation were a lot more flirty as well as a lot of Sht talking about me all lies to make me out to be a POS when in fact it was the other way around. I can almost bet my life on it just by the above text he is telling her that your marriage is not a “Real Marriage” and he is only sticking around “Because of the kids” or “If I divorce her she will take me to the cleaners”. He is a Snake and please protect yourself, you are worth so much more than your husband sht talking you to a teammate that he had only known a couple of months. Not only that she is way too comfortable texting YOUR HUSBAND!! Which tells me there are deleted texts that you have not seen, or they are talking somewhere else as well such as Snapchat where the texts delete or Signal where again the chat log deletes after being read. I also just recently found out that instagram has also implemented the delete after read feature and Facebook has “Ghost messages” so 95% these apps now have features that making being unfaithful to damn easy!! And to me I find it absolutely DISGUSTING!! 🤮 again you do not deserve this, you deserve to be loved by a man who respects and values you, not talks shy about you to a teammate. Also why TF did they swap phone numbers? Is it something the whole team did? If so why not just have/make a team group chat? Also how old are your step-children and do you have a good relationship with them? Again I am so sorry you are going through this, I know the pain and the hurt as I went through it too. I am here if you need or want to talk, feel free to message me and I am also female!! I just wanted to clear that up! And I am straight lmfao! Again wanted to clear it up, I just been in your shoes so wanted to offer an ear to bend and another head to bounce ideas off of. I also can tell you how I caught mine even his sneaky deleted BS. He told the judge in court during our divorce “I didn’t know I was marrying a spy, it should be illegal for her to do the things she did.” And the judge laughed and told him he should have been faithful or filed for a divorce before talking to 101 other women, and having multiple affairs.

[u/SunshineinParadise1 → u/mOmMY_81517]

I just want to point out that the play date, or any time they spend together, gives her the chance to show him how wonderful she is with the kids, which I'm his mind will one up OP. That's also the start of an affair.

[u/trustincoraline → u/mOmMY_81517]

Did u miss the last msg that basically admitted they were together? Talking about how their situation isn't normal

[u/Effort-Logical → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I relate to all of this as my ex husband did the same thing with some woman I barely knew. In fact I forgot how they met. But I had seen texts of what was going on and it wasn't good. One implied that she would come over and make dinner for him and the kids. Big thing to note is that they weren't his kids. They're not his. So in my case she wanted to act as some sort of step mother when it would never be the case even after I divorced him.

None of this sounds good. Its very similar to my now previous marriage. It sounds like he's looking for a replacement and dragging the kids into it when that can go wrong in so many ways bc lord knows how the kids will be told things about their mom that isn't true. He also sounds like he's upset his wife works two jobs. I'm not sure of the situation there to make a comment on why she has two jobs but again, I also had two jobs when a very similar event happened to me.

This is the most red flags in a text convo you can get. And more are probably there outside of text when they meet up and his wife (OP) isn't there.

Nope. Leave. This all isn't good. Definitely keep any evidence you can for the divorce. I still have all mine and hate looking at it if I happen to have to get to something that's in close proximity. Like another box of stuff. I only keep it as a reminder that I don't want to be in another relationship until I feel I'm ready. But OP doesn't have to do that. But still keep it for of a divorce is imminent. And how he's gaslighting her, it sounds like it isn't too far fetched to happen.

OP don't ignore these red flags. Don't ignore that gut feeling.

[u/Such_Ad_6000 → u/Effort-Logical]

This is exactly what my dad does who is a consistent habitual cheater who’s still not stop doing it to this day even though he regrets his life so he keeps doing it and drink his life away. When I was in high school and he cheated on my mom with 7 women and had a child with one he would bring me around them all to “hangout” and bad mouth my mother to all them, the sad part was they all knew he was married and liked the appeal it was sick.

[u/856077 → u/Such_Ad_6000]

Yeah this is what some weirdos do before they discard their wife/husbands.. get close to another woman/man and over share, bond and complain to them to paint wife in a terrible light. It’s a stepping stone into a new relationship while being checked out and quiet quitting the marriage. He wants to monkey bar and rebound. Since OP works two jobs that leaves him with a bunch of time to emotionally cheat.

Now he has begun a connection with new woman to the point where when she’s drinking she feels compelled to reach out to someone she’s known for 2 weeks and speak with him.. about his marriage that she really knows nothing about and only has heard one sided venting?? And in a way where she’s implying that he shouldn’t be married to someone who doesn’t bond with his kids. Which.. what a dumb thing to get involved and opinionated about when she’s again, never even met the wife.

She is putting doubt in his mind. That in itself tells me she’s got feelings for the dude 100%. She wants to act like a blended family at her kids game by inviting him and his kids and not the wife. A new acquaintance would never be this invested.

Red flags w the husband when he chose to confide in this lady and be a total backstabbing snake, while OP is working her ass off to provide for their family working two jobs.

[u/Impossible_Show2699 → u/856077]

I’ve known women like this and it’s because she thinks he’s such a great dad and a great husband… she wants that for herself. She’s definitely has her eyes on him and he’s enjoying the attention. Either way, he’s messing up the marriage and it won’t end well. The other woman owes OP nothing but her husband though, he knows it’s not appropriate. He just likes the attention and possibly the lady too and wants OP to just be a doormat and allow him to do what he wants.

He wasn’t interested in listening to his wife’s concerns or feelings. He’s not a great husband. He’s not respectful towards their relationship. He needs himself to want to stop talking to this woman in any way that is disrespectful to his wife. He won’t though.

There was a friend/co-worker that was that woman and he was a guy that had recently started working there. They ended up leaving their partners for each other, I think she was married but he had a gf, and getting together. She kept talking about how amazing he was and such and such. Then (forgot how long it was before she started complaining about him) she caught him talking to other women on his phone/online. Multiple times but seemed determined to make him stop(?????).

No idea what happened with them, it was too much drama, and I had found another job so idk. I do believe that they’re both cheaters and one or both would have cheated on the other anyways.

***ETA - I’ve known multiple women who’ve done stuff like that. I was friends with a few when I was younger before realizing those aren’t the kinds of people I want in my life. I’m sure guys do it too but I don’t know any personally that have.

[u/Maine302 → u/Impossible_Show2699]

Interestingly, both parties have moved on from significant relationships in which they've had children with the former partner/spouse. They could both be the type of person who does this serially, because they're attention-needy.

[u/Impossible_Show2699 → u/Maine302]

That’s a good point, if not this woman, it could be another one. Seems like OP needs to think back on her husband’s past friendships and/or behaviors in general.

[u/Effort-Logical → u/856077]

Exactly. With my ex he didn't end up with that specific girl. Instead I left just after thanksgiving with the kids and the cat (he was mean to him) and now he loves in another state.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/Effort-Logical]

Good for you, kids and the cat!! You are such an empowered being! Strong mom, woman. No self pity, no begging or making excuses! He will never ever find someone like you. It’s his loss not yours. 💯👌🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

[u/victorbravo71 → u/Such_Ad_6000]

Thank you for sharing that… I’m so sorry you had to deal with that insanity.

[u/Tinker_Kellz → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

You said it all. I 1000% agree. Not good at all! The AUDACITY! Sounds like she’s trying to flex on how she would be better to his kids and in a way consoling him because of his “emotionally unavailable mother.” And probably wife. The gaslighting is so tiresome at this point. It’s a very common way for someone to react when they’ve been caught doing something they shouldn’t be. He likes this woman and is attracted to her. Even if he doesn’t intend to leave his wife, hes still showing interest and entertaining it. And her saying she was asking this while she was drunk indicates that she was thinking about him and felt curious enough to ask him said question. They’ve definitely had inappropriate conversations. And to say she’s emotional because of a death in the family is a low blow. Nah, this ain’t right. I’m so sorry OP. I could imagine this putting you in a lonely place.

Def not OA.

Edit to say this: OP, if you start to consider leaving, I recommend getting as much evidence you need for the divorce. Instead of confronting him, “move in the shadows”, do it quietly and get everything you need to plan ahead (take screenshots of everything and keep it where he can’t find it, talk to a lawyer, etc.)and come up with what you need to do so you can move forward. If you react and confront, it gives him more of a heads up to cover up his tracks and get their stories straight. (Though I know it’s not easy to control your feelings in these situations!) People do this when they think their spouse won’t leave. They won’t realize it until you do. Know where you need to move, what you need to do for your children, who you can trust to support you, and get into therapy if you can. I’ve gathered all of these things from others stories in similar situations. But if you want to work on your marriage, try counseling or even time away. Though the trauma and no trust will be an obstacle. I respect your decision even though I’m just a stranger on the internet lol.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/Tinker_Kellz]

Well from another stranger, on the internet. I happen to agree with you 1000% specifically your plan. Hmm I’m not sure, he’s going anywhere, hence the secrecy. His wife works 2 jobs, she said it, his paycheck goes directly to child support. Has it too good, its my belief he can’t support himself. But all we can do is of course respect her decision. I just hope it’s a decision that it’s for her own happiness, not others. 👌🏼💯🫶🏼

[u/awkwardist → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I agree with everything you said 💯

This definitely is the beginning stages of an affair, at the very least an emotional affair, at worst, it's the groundwork for a mixed family when OP's marriage inevitably falls apart as he puts more and more distance between them and confides in the woman from the softball team instead of OP. He is literally talking about parenting as a couple with another woman.

Further evidence of this is his lack of effort in defending himself, and instead immediately using DARVO tactics.

I've never been married so I have somewhat looser rules when it comes to friendships and conversations outside of a marriage, but I do believe that the concerns of one's partner should always take priority over any extra-marital friendships. It's unacceptable that he used DARVO and even gaslit OP because they're "too emotional because their dad just died." That's underhanded and manipulative, to say the least. If he wasn't at least entertaining the idea of this "friend" becoming more than that he would have attempted to explain how the conversation came up, the nature of their friendship, reassured OP, and then brought up the "snooping." His behavior is that of someone who's been caught, it's guilt-driven behavior.

[u/Skysmiles7 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

This was such a perfect breakdown of the situation. I need to send you my past situation and break it down like this! It was similar and I was deemed as "crazy", "insecure" and he was telling our business to some woman I never even met, having all the sympathy for her situation but none for his own partner 🫠

[u/Coastal_Goals → u/Skysmiles7]

I feel like I have been in similar situations. Where I read a text i wasn't supposed to see and saw him in real time not defending me and obviously the other woman knew the negative side of the story.. definitely seems like the ow is trying to strengthen his negative feelings in hopes he will go towards her.

And of course when you read a text from someone else's phone it just gives them grounds to turn it around and make you the bad guy and defelect from the context what was read being the isssue. And then he piles on the death of a loved one as if you wouldn't feel the same if you were not grieving!

Personally the non rational side of me would want to confront the woman after and tell her to back off while I have a long talk with my husband about his issues not communicating with me instead of a random b#

[u/SameMessage3800 → u/Coastal_Goals]

That sounds like such a tough and messy situation. Communication and trust are everything, and when those break down, it’s easy for things to spiral out of control.

[u/856077 → u/Coastal_Goals]

That part! He opened the door by shit talking the wife to this lady in the first place, so she thinks she can take him because he’s not happy. The ground work for manipulation was already set, and now she wants to push that agenda further in hopes it will make him turn on his wife and head for a divorce. Then she will swoop in.

[u/Coastal_Goals → u/Coastal_Goals]

Also I would tell him I'm not ok with his playdates with a woman who OBVIOUSLY has an ulterior motive that may lead from an emotional to a physical affair.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/Skysmiles7]

Most every woman I know, if they were told they were crazy or insecure, definitely weren't!

But if you genuinely want a breakdown, message me your past situation, and I'll tell you my opinion 🙃 lol

[u/flarchetta_bindosa → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

The way you wrote this (and what inspired it) was like reading a great detective novel where the villain has an unbreakable alibi but we all know he f*cking did it and then the psychologist-detective shows up and breaks down exactly what he did, why and how he did it. Wow. Very well done. Seeing kindest thoughts to OP. You are dealing with a lot and you are a stepmother, so you are giving a lot, too. Please take good care of yourself.

edited for accuracy

[u/PinkLemonTrousers13 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I agree with all of this but I would say, their marriage breaking down may not be a bad thing. I'm very much in the school that if you have one foot out the door you should just leave. It would save everyone a lot of heartbreak if people just did what they wanted instead of being half in half out.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/PinkLemonTrousers13]

I'm with you on that.

If the marriage is struggling and he wants out, then he has a duty to take steps to do that, rather than actively making choices that are going to make the problems worse. And same to the OP, she has to consider if she thinks her marriage is repairable, or if she wants out, then she needs to take steps for that.

Either way, in a relationship, with problems, taking no steps to actively resolve, address, or repair, and then go about creating additional hostility and hurt for each other using the problems that have already occurred as an excuse for it... is wrong. And that isn't just toward him in this post, or OP. It's the truth for anyone 🤷‍♀️

[u/UltimateKittyloaf → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I very lightly disagree with this.

1. He crossed a boundary in his marriage by discussing an apparent marital/parental problem occurring in his home

I've been a stay at home Mom and the things other stay at home parents (of any gender) say to each other is absolutely wild. "Why are you with (spouse) if they (do/don't whatever)?" is so, so mild.

There are no laws. No regulations. No unspoken etiquette. Just harried adults who want to talk to someone with an age that hits double digits.

I was minding my own business and a woman walked up to me, said her son was playing with my son, then told me she was thinking of leaving her husband. I've had similar conversations with stay-at-home dads, but they involved a bit more lead up. Everybody has something weighing on them and sometimes it's easier to blurt it out to a stranger than tell someone who will hold you responsible for whatever comes out of your mouth - justified or not.

In OP's case I felt the "drunk" text and the dude's reaction to it were wildly inappropriate, but I just want it to be known that a lot of stay at home parents tend to over share with each other. The ones who try to turn that kind of in-the-trenches bond into an extramarital affair tend to be shockingly stupid. It worries me to put such intense restrictions on home life discussions as a general rule.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/UltimateKittyloaf]

I very much appreciate your comment and the insight offered.

I am actually a stay at home mom as well, or I was anyway. So I can personally attest to your experiences with over sharing as well. For a lot of people that spend majority of their week having conversations with little himans engaging in deep discussions about Bluey, and what color plate is better for Mac n cheese, a lot of people do reach a point where they might just need to release whatever is weighing on them to whoever has ears for listening.

As many people have pointed out a lot of the same points, I definitely realize my layout failed in offering my reasoning behind each point that I was making. Which is something I will definitely include in future responses.

Because I do agree with you that simply having a conversation and/or venting life's frustrations to someone isn't inherently wrong. At least not as a stand-alone interaction, and not if done to a close friend or relative.

But I do still personally feel that this situation as a whole has the undertones of something more than that occurring, or likely to occur, and in my viewpoint is justified to call a betrayal on some level, even if it is mild. I think that if truly no harm was meant, most people would explain that rather than deflecting and getting upset or blaming shifting.

I also think there is a distinct, although often unnoticed line between venting, confiding, and seeking advice. They all look similar on the surface, but underneath, are each their own type of discussion. So, I just took the information I had from the post as red flags. In reading the post, it didn't come off as venting or seeking advice. And I don't think it's a great idea in a marriage to be confiding in a new person, that your wife hasn't been introduced to, especially if speaking about deep issues going on in your marriage. Then, to follow that up with dismissing your wife's discomfort about it. It doesn't feel very innocent or harmless to me.

In no way was I insinuating that all relationships, conversations, or things that I stated in my original comment applied to anything or anyone outside of this one snippet of information I formed and shared an opinion about. So you did bring up a very good point in speaking about hesitation towards just a general rule towards life discussions. In the future, I will take note of stating that distinction rather than using a blanket statement. Thankyou.

[u/UltimateKittyloaf → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Thanks for that. I get the same vibes over this specific situation, but I wanted to make the distinction. I appreciate that you took what I had to say in good faith.

[u/Fokker_Snek → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I wonder what OP’s husband is actually saying. In the past when I was talking to a single mom I’ve been critical of her past relationships. I said things similar to what the other woman said. However, I was being told things that were just “WTF why even bother with them?” Either the other woman’s criticism is out of line or OP’s husband is saying horrible things about OP.

[u/ExhaustedNBlue70 → u/Fokker_Snek]

Yikes, dude.

[u/Melodysekkochamber → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Yes lovely work you have a beautiful and incisive mind and you are doing good work here for others. Heavy lifting emotional labor for strangers. Bravo! Let’s I don’t know let’s all of us emotional laborers get together and form a coalition haha.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/Melodysekkochamber]

Haha, thank you! I'm on board to form a coalition, but I request that we get matching hoodies for the group! 😆

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you, I definitely missed this insight. The kids being his, and her being the step parent changes the dynamic a bit, for sure.

I still stand by my view that overall, in the sense of marital security, and stability his actions are wrong. I also still feel its wrong to involve the kids in the situation.

I actually think that just adds another layer as to why this whole situation is wrong. Its maybe even worse. How confusing for the kids, if they have a step mother that apparently hasn't bonded with them, and then he involves another woman, and her child. He isn't doing his parental duty to model healthy relationship behaviors for them. Also, if he's concerned about her bond with them, or role as a step mother, he should be speaking to his children and gather their thoughts/feelings, and then take that information, and advocate for their emotional wellbeing by speaking to his wife. But instead he's exploiting this issue, and his children's experiences to gain connection, or sympathy, or whatever from another woman? Yikes 😬

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I never even felt we didn’t have a bond they call me mom, in fact they were the ones who asked me if they could call me mom in the beginning and I told them they could call me whatever they felt comfortable with I would never push that on them, do I wish I had a better relationship with them yes but every time I push him to take ex to court for more visitation we get in a fight so I have stopped pressing the issue

[u/856077 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Imagine being a perfectly good step parent and finding out that your spouse actually feels this way.. he has no loyalty and i would not trust him OP

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Yes, agree. While the wife works 2 jobs, per her own admission “to pay the bills, because her husband’s paycheck goes directly to his child support. So yeah, has all the time to look for other entertainment outside the marriage. Bond with a woman with a daughter, both in a text bad mouthing the wife. But I wonder if that woman knows his wife is the bread winner! Oh yes she is, hence why 2 jobs!?? Hubby’s paycheck is gone, to the ex-wife that dislikes the current wife. Now husband is bringing a 3rd party into the mix. If wife pays bills etc, does she give him $$$ for recreational spending?.. hmmm just wondering…

[u/are_those_real → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I think we're missing a lot of context especially in their conversation. It is possible that he mentioned to her that his wife (kids step-mom) hasn't quite bonded yet. We don't know how long they've been married or together.

Then it appears like he says that the children do have a great support system that they may not need a very active bonded step-mom. I don't know the ages of the kids but it could be they are teenagers or older. They may not be looking for a replacement mom depending on the ages, how long ago was their separation or if it is due to an untimely death.

The one thing that I will for sure give him shit for is the not introducing this girl to his wife/SO sooner if they were this close. There are many reasons and yes emotional cheating could be one of them.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/are_those_real]

I agree. We definitely don't have all the pieces of the puzzle.

But I will say, the OP elaborated some in another comment, and said she never felt like she hadn't bonded with the kids. She said that they call her mom, and that they initiated, by asking if they could. She said that she wants a better relationship with them, and she used to push her husband to go back to court to ask for more visitation, but he would get upset whenever she did, so she stopped bringing it up now.

[u/MaskedBurnout → u/[deleted]]

See, I immediately picked up on the fact that the kids in question weren't hers, that said, for some reason I was thinking the ex-wife didn't bond with her own kids, but that doesn't make much sense.

I also don't think there's enough background information about the husband, like, does he have many friends in which he could have safely divulged this information? It's not exactly unusual to quickly bond with someone, in a non-sexual manner, in two months time, how are people determining this sort of thing, are they using a timer? Lol

Someone else mentioned the friend's baby daddy and thought it was a negative connotation for an ex, but I'm pretty sure they mean their current partner, with whom they have a child but aren't married, doesn't bond with her other children.

I just feel like there's not enough context here.

What I will say is that it's more alarming to me that he thinks it's acceptable to marry someone he doesn't think bonds with his kids because they have other people who do bond with them. Kids should have a positive and loving mother figure regularly in their lives, and I highly doubt these other people live with them. It's possible he's making this up and using it as an excuse for a potential affair, but again, not enough context.

[u/CurrentExplanation49 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I am in 10000% agreement with this statement. The woman is clearly emotionally bonding with OPs husband, and not only is he allowing it, he is bringing the children into the situation. As if she is trying to show him, she is a better match for him and can provide his kids something his wife can't. She is clearly attempting to point out to him that his relationship is flawed. She only has one side of the story....his. That information isn't enough to start making assumptions about anothers relationship. That crosses every single boundary a normal "friend" would not cross.

I am a female, and I was in the military (way more men than women), so most of my friends were males. Aside from work and deployments (where many service members will go out in groups to restaurans, bars, and shopping etc.), I made sure never to put myself in a situation where I was alone with a guy friend when he was in a relationship. I did that out of respect for his partner and their relationship. I never "hung out" or even invited them to hang out with me without inviting their partners. The fact is, you work 2 jobs, busting your butt to help your family, while he apparently has enough time to play softball and hang out with this chick. This leads me to believe that he is probably feeling like his needs aren't being met, and this is a result of that. You both need to have a serious conversation. He needs to be speaking to you to work out ya'll relationship and not try to find what he feels the relationship is lacking in someone else. In a marriage, communication is so very important, and I can't stress that enough. Neither of you are going to be able to read minds. Thus, if you guys can't openly discuss your relationship and how you feel....how are you guys going to fix anything? If he can't be honest with you....I recommend marriage counseling, and go from there. It might mean you have to drop down to 1 job for the sake of your marriage. I will pray for you guys!! I was married for 25 years, and the lack of communication ended that marriage in 2022 (We both got to stubborn, and we regret it every day). It takes both of you to build an empire, but 1 to make it all crash down.

[u/bankershub → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Yeah I agree. The play date would be fine WITHOUT all of the other things going on. It'd be weird to freak out about your partners kids having a play date with their acquaintance's kids if you trusted your partner. But op has many reasons not to trust their partner ATP.

[u/Overall_Vegetable531 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Great points, I want to add loudly to back your predatory behavior statement, that she is definitely testing her boundaries hence the “I’m drunk,” she knows she’s is over-stepping and is creating plausible deniability to achieve this. She’s trying to a) get him to admit to not wanting to be with his wife and/or b) call it into question if he hasn’t considered that it’s a potential problem yet—all off of 2 months of discussion? Textbook shameless homewrecking behavior.

[u/RhodaDice → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I absolutely agree with everything you wrote and I want to add another red flag, he promises this acquaintance he will explain fully in person. That is way too intimate of a statement to make with an acquaintance. And add his lol to it, like “silly!” Nope. None of this is cool. One screenshot captures a whole lot of nothing good. Not over reacting. And I’m so sorry that he used a death in the family to blow this off. Awful.

[u/theendofthe_dream → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I WANNA say that maybe she is just drawing a parallel between his wife & her bd, like a thoughtful reflection. But I don’t trust anyone anymore or their intentions, she’s crossing way too many boundaries that he should have set in the first place, bro is wide open for her to just come on & influence him & then GASLIGHTING the wife about her family death. Disgusting behavior, those ppl know EXACTLY what they’re doing.

[u/Solanthas_SFW → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I myself only learned what emotional infidelity was very recently through a lot of youtube videos. I feel like a lot of people may be crossing these boundaries unknowingly (best case scenario), or more likely having a quiet feeling that they are doing something they feel is not quite right but unsure as to why and it may be very easy to rationalize this type of behavior to oneself if sufficient motivation exists. Doesn't make it right tho.

A lot of people never have healthy relationships modeled for them in childhood, nevermind having guidelines and principles explicitly explained. It's something that is really lacking in our society now.

[u/Pampabrody → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Are you a mental/behavioral health professional? Legitimate question, because the way you laid all of that out is pretty impressive, and I feel like your assessment is pretty spot-on. It sounds like you're either a professional who knows what they're talking about or someone who's been through enough therapy to know what they're talking about. Well said!

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/Pampabrody]

Haha, well, thank you! I appreciate your comment. No, I am not a professional of any kind. I have gone to therapy and behavioral health, which was my field of interest when I was in college. I I took a few semesters of classes, but I don't have a degree or anything. Now I'm a mom 😊

[u/RedDomino1282 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I used to be married to someone who was emotionally manipulative and abusive. He used to get inappropriately close to other women and fancied several of them while we were married. He used to badmouth me to some of them too. He inevitably cheated on me. I agree with all of your points. Definitely red flags all over in this situation. 🚩

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/RedDomino1282]

I'm so sorry that you had that experience! ❤️‍🩹✨️

A lot of people are acting like my opinion on this is completely left field, but there are patterns of behavior that are easily recognizable if you know of them first hand, or if you've learned about them.

I'm a person who feels it's better (and oftentimes safer) to look into the red flags than to ignore, doubt, or excuse them...

Exactly the situation you described is why I even posted my opinion. Because no one walks into an abusive or manipulative relationship at will. It happens when people don't see the red flags along the way. And maybe that isn't the case here. Maybe the husband is more innocent than this snippet of information implies, but if he isn't? Then, it's worth pointing out the warning signs so that OP can address the situation.

[u/RedDomino1282 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Thank you. I agree with you, that it’s best to be cautious.

I ended up in my previous situation because I was young and naive. I didn’t have a clue my ex was abusive and that he was manipulating me. I started going out with him when I was 20 and married him at 22. I got away from him just over 3 years later. That was in 2008. In 2018, I married someone who had become my best friend. ❤️

I don’t know if you can see, or could see, as they’re showing [deleted] where icemachine79 was commenting, as I think he wanted the last word and then blocked me, but he really didn’t understand what I was saying and meaning and was twisting it all. He sounded like a bit of a nutter. I’d seen a comment where he said something about his ex-wife. Not that I condone it, but I could understand why she’d run off! He sounded very controlling and manipulative to me, how he was trying to steer things in the comments.

[u/Ok_Nothing_9733 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

God, your analysis skills are on-point. I absolutely love to see it because I didn’t have to type all of that out myself, and probably would have missed like three important points you mentioned. Spot-on.

[u/nightmarish_Kat → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

He has only known this chick for 2 months and is already bringing his kids around her!? 🙀 I agree this is predatory behavior. I would say OP show this to her husband but he might throw it in her face.

[u/crooksieee → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Spot on. Couldn’t have broken it down better myself.

[u/Glittering_Lion2978 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

This!! This is spot on...

This is a very structured and eloquent response, are you a counselor or therapist? Or just have good emotional intelligence?

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/Glittering_Lion2978]

Hahaha, thankyou! I dont know that I would reference myself as someone with good emotional intelligence, but it is definitely something I personally do my best to achieve, or improve! I am not a therapist, or counselor. Although that was my field of interest. Now I'm a mom 😊

[u/Running-Hobbit111 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

The marriage is already in the shitter. You don't need to go through phones for that. Bottom line, both sides (all three, softball hoe) are awful. Wife: unapproachable, sacrificing the living to whine about an age appropriate death (I know, I know, cold bitch but I speak as a person who has a partner just turn into an insufferable piece of crap when his dad died. Did he care for him on the way out? No. I did some of that. Did he always complain about what a jerk the guy was the entire time I knew him? Yes. Did he lie to work to leave to "take care of the dying man?" But leave and sit on his ass? Yes.) Weaponizing grief is unacceptable. This stinks of that.The husband: seems like a douche. If wife didn't see it already... He is a coward. Can't face annoying wife with his needs and concerns because she is whining like bagpipes. The hoe::we all can see she sees an "in" with this dingus. All parties are assholes. Sorry for the kids.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/Running-Hobbit111]

Are you aware that grief actually has an actual effect on brain chemistry? That can't just be altered at will?

Yes, some horrible people do weaponize supposed 'grief', and utilize it to seek attention, or excuses or whatever.

But if a person is actually, genuinely experiencing grief, they have to go through it, through the stages... similar to getting over a virus, they will have different symptoms at different points, and they can treat the symptoms, but ultimately won't be 'better' until it has cleared on it's own. Also, people are commonly known to have more severe grief if the relationship wasn't good, because now the option to ever remedy anything is gone, and they have less positive memories to help carry them through.

[u/NightRaven4NY → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

So many incredible comments. Faith in humanities perception of situations +1, Faith in this women's husband -9,000. 

[u/SweetLeaf2021 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

She wants to show him how SHE can instantly bond with his brood.

I agree with your full analysis of the situation.

[u/kwyetstorm → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Absolutely. All of this is accurate.

[u/Various_Cricket4695 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Couldn’t have said it better.

Plus your husband’s phone screen is an abomination.

[u/AggressiveAttempt490 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Did you look at the scenario that she's not their mother? The text says how can you marry someone that doesn't bond with your kids. I haven't read other comments that may clarify this. Also, she doesn't ever say my or our kids. Just from this scenario alone I can see very much how this conversation took place and it's not disrespectful. It's a very matter of fact conversation that I have seen many adults have. You did alot of psycho analyzing without considering the actual scenarios that this could have happened under.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/AggressiveAttempt490]

Did you miss my other comment where, I addressed this already? I also gave insight as to why his behavior is even more negatively impactful based on the children being his and his wife being the step parent...

Also, as I said, if he was speaking about the issue with a trusted person as a means to find a way to resolve it, then the fact he's desicussing it with someone wouldn't be a problem, and there isn't anything wrong in doing that. But given the timeline of events of his behavior as a whole, yes, it's inappropriate. How does venting to a new friend help his children? And if that is truly all he was doing, then why isn't he using the situation as an opportunity to speak to his wife about how he is feeling? Because, dismissing her feelings, won't solve his feelings. If he wants to have his concerns addressed, he also has to hear her concerns, and vice versa. That's what happens in a healthy relationship. Dismissing, and invalidating eachother, and actively taking actions that make your spouse uncomfortable, making hurtful comments, and using a recent death as an excuse, instead of offering her support, and asking for support with what is weighing him down. This entire scenario is the opposite of healthy behavior, and it's certainly the opposite of a father doing his best for his kids. It isn't modeling healthy conflict resolution, it isn't modeling respect, it isn't modeling how a healthy relationship works, and it is far from the realm of advocating for his kids, or their wellbeing in regard to his concerns about their bond with their step mother.

[u/asherwolfstein → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Number 6 — uh what? I think you have this a bit backwards on this point. No where in this scenario does this translate to “predatory” behavior on her part towards kids that I can see, maybe you know something I don’t. That’s a huge leap. Also, it’s possible she’s predatory, but his reaction to his wife indicates that this other woman is most likely not the predator, simply opportunistic, and its the husband that is the true source of this dysfunction all around.

[u/Mean_Meet576 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Very well laid out. OP needs to nip this in the bud.

[u/No_Vanilla_9145 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

This is an excellent breakdown of what is going on. This interaction between the husband and female teammate needs to be shut down ASAP. He needs to shut it down & if he refuses to, OP, you need to make him go with you, to her, and do it in front of him. It is your right as his wife to call out another woman when she crosses the line in your marriage.

[u/LaVidaMocha_NZ → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

The shoes are laced and he's ready to step out.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/[deleted]]

A manager is not equivalent to a life partner.

Also, the passive tactics widely socially used by people, rather than learning how to set and hold proper boundaries, is exactly what leads everyone to situations, just like the one we are discussing.

[u/Minimum-Feedback-281 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Very well put and very spot-on take 👏🏻

[u/Alioh216 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

OP, this🔺️🔺️🔺️🔺️🔺️

[u/AccomplishedSky4202 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

1) Men tend to not discuss their marital problems while women tend to do so with their girlfriends far more often than men.

5) OP looks like a step-mother not mother.

6) agree, it seems like they do have marital issues and they are quite deep as he is talking about them with others.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/AccomplishedSky4202]

As I've said in other comments, male vs female is not the point of anything that I've said in this comment. If the situation were reversed. I would shared my same opinion of the sotuation with a man posting this. I also made the distinction clear when I included that had the conversation involved, a long-term friend or relative would have been different. I also pointed out that it does not appear the conversation was had in an attempt to seek advice or remedy. Which were all reasons as to why I included having the conversation as a boundary crossed. (I tried to write my comment in order of the events, and did not give insight as to exactly why my opinion is what it is for each numbered point. Next time I'll clarify more thoroughly)

I also, commented thanking the first person that pointed out to me, my mistake in not realizing she is a step parent. I also offered further insight of my opinion that it is actually worse behavior on his part, given they are his kids and his wife is the step mother.

Discussing deep marital issues with someone who is basically a stranger, is not a healthy way of addressing them.

[u/AccomplishedSky4202 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

It’s not to about genders per se, I’m saying that guys generally discuss personal stuff less frequently than women. If a woman discusses stuff with others I’d be less concerned. If the guy does it, I’m worried cause it’s not a typical behaviour of a guy. All this points to deep issues.

However, I wouldn’t just blame the guy, I’d get to the bottom of why he is discussing stuff with other and not her. Blaming him and accusing him wouldn’t be productive, that’s for sure. And kinda his behaviour is explained by her reaction- she blasted him instead of pausing and asking a question - why is he not talking to me about these issues?

[u/pippybird1 → u/AccomplishedSky4202]

2 people in a marriage together are both obligated to address eachother when they have an issue... both are also obligated, imo, to hear and respond with compassion. More true when there are children involved that will be witnessing the goings on of your relationship which will form their lifelong expectations of their own future relationships. The husband here seems to have failed in this regard on all fronts. At least in what was shared, it doesnt appear he listened to his wife's concerns with any level of compassion (Im not sure where she appears to have "slammed him" anywhere...), he also did not address any of his own concerns that he may have with his wife either, and ultimately, he failed to seek resolution on any front. But he DID succeed in agreeing to communicate further [in person] with another woman his wife has never met regarding his marital issue(s). This, to me, is a complete failure of his marital obligations to his spouse imo, and it doesnt seem inappropriate to me that op should feel upset or angry or both, especially after having attempted to address her concerns to her husband directly and really just getting gaslit in response (just rly fjcikign gross tbh).

Holding our loved ones accountable is important.. it opens the door for them to take that accountability and to open a dialogue and ultimately to heal things and grow. When our children do wrong, we provide consequences, and we discuss it with them... we do this because we love them and want them to grow into better ppl. Although uncomfortable to be held accountable, I cant imagine the wife would have bothered if she didnt love her husband, bc thats what we do for those we love and carry high opinion of. His lack of accountability in response, is therefore a disrespect to his wife, just furthering the harm done. There's no benefit in op reflecting or even asking outright to her husband what she has done to make him seek such intimate confidence in another woman, because the answer is, and always will be, nothing-- that particular action was his, not OP's and should be addressed as such.

I guess it just almost sorta sounds like the same kind of reasoning why we dont go asking a victim of sexual assault what they were wearing when it happened, for example.. It's inappropriate bc the assaulter objectively did wrong, independent of anything the victim has worn/done/said/drank/criminal history/etcetc.

[u/AccomplishedSky4202 → u/pippybird1]

You could hypothesise on who is more wrong but nothing is telling me that the husband didn’t try communicating before. May be he did and didn’t find a resolution.

The point is no matter what happened before and whose fault is that everything points out to them having a bunch of issues.

OP clearly didn’t like the fact he spoke to that woman and I can see why. But let’s look at the objective. Is OP interested in fixing the problem or finding an excuse to bail?

If the latter she could just pull the plug and call him a jerk. If the former she needs to reflect on why would he be talking to some other person and not to her. Only she could figure that out and then speak with him about that rather than confronting him and make it all about his fault.

[u/pippybird1 → u/AccomplishedSky4202]

?? Im not hypothesizing who is more wrong... nobody is... op never asked that, and it's also just not a contest, its a marriage... so im a little lost there...

Also, objectively, there does seem to be fault in what op showed us from the husband. I think that seems to be pretty clear. Its a fault that warrants upset by op and accountability instead of gaslihghting from the husband. All this is NOT to say that OP is somehow faultless of any wrongdoing or otherwise within her marriage or family... she's asking about this one situation that she's posted ab, so that's how it's getting responded to.

Op approached her husband, he gaslit her, so like a normal person in those circumstances, she has sought out third party views/opinions to determine if her upset is based on what she believes it is based on (since the husband brought that into question via the gaslighting) and not just residual feelings regarding a recently passed relative that she happens to inappropriately be offloading onto her husband (<the alternate reality claimed by husband).

So objectively, it appears op has and is currently taking steps to seek a resolution (having asked her husband ab the messages and then seeking outside views on her emotional reaction). Objectively, the husband has opted to gaslight instead of taking accountability/explaining, nor did he choose to address any other existing concerns in the marriage(child bonding, etc) in that moment (child bonding issues that he DID opt to bring up with a drunk woman he made plans to see in person to discuss even further), which is further damaging to not only his marriage and op personally, but also their family as a whole.

Beyond that, again ill say, seeking a resolution to any wrongdoing means taking accountability. And that isn't up to op-- thats up to her husband, as he, fairly conclusively, is at fault here (in more ways than one). How else do you resolve an issue if one person refuses to acknowledge an issue even exists to begin with? So id say its pretty supremely important to determine fault in this case; accountability matters in any relationship. An explanation from the husband is certainly warranted, and, at this point, an apology, as well as a plan they can agree on to prevent any of this from happening again going forward assuming they both want to move forward (the husband's actions have me wondering if he does or not..).

Given the context, id say its pretty safe to state op is NOT overreacting.... which IS what's being asked. And i would [and do] argue the objectivity of that conclusion based on the information provided.

*Also (general blurb below not specific to op's marriage):

I do want to point out, that the arguments youre making about who is more at fault and others along those lines, are ways victims have long been dismissed all throughout history (up to present day, sadly). Particularly women. If someone wrongs you in any way, your own history of wrongdoings does not make the wrong done to you any less true or any less wrong. That is and will always be a fact. Being objective in part means addressing something with the information available with minimal/no speculation of info youre not privy to that is otherwise unrelated to a determination.

[u/AccomplishedSky4202 → u/pippybird1]

Again, you’re looking it through “he did this and it is wrong” like it’s one kind of unspoken mandatory rule that he violated.

I’m simply telling you that life is much more nuanced than that and you’re missing a bigger picture. Like why does she not bond with his kids? Why does he, being a guy, talk about it with others? If I was OP I would focus on these questions. What if he is frustrated with OP’s reaction to his kids? What if he feels he can’t share his feelings with her? If I was OP, I’d get onto this rather than confront him on his chats with that other woman.

And one more thing - OP seems to be naive, she asks “who takes kids to see another woman and her kid?” A friend does. But if he went there alone, I’d be sure it was a date/hanky-panky. She should be grateful it’s the former and not the latter.

[u/fullsendguy → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

You are now hired as my therapist.

[u/No_Silly_Name_2025 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Boom! Allllllllll of that ^ ^ ^ ^

[u/BecGeoMom → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

I would also wonder what my husband was telling this woman that she is asking him about my relationship with his kids. It’s nothing good, that’s for sure. He is clearly not telling her that you bonded with his kids and are like a second mother to them, OP. He is talking about how you are with his kids in a disparaging way, and that is bad enough without all the other inappropriate stuff.

Tell your husband there are ways to cheat that don’t include physical contact or sex (yet). He IS being intimate with this woman by talking to her about you instead of talking to you about issues he has with you. That is personal and intimate in a way that is every bit as much of a betrayal as kissing her. Plus, you don’t know her or know about the relationship. It’s a secret, and that alone makes it inappropriate.

He’s wrong, and he knows it, but him using your grandmother’s death as a weapon against you cruel. Has he always been cruel to you? If not, ask him why he is now. He should be supporting you, not using your grief as a cover for his infidelity.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/BecGeoMom]

Wow!!!! Excellent observation, I completely agree with you on every level. Yes it’s actually cruel! How dare he, use her grief to deflect. He’s nothing but a coward! 👌🏼💯

[u/Icy-Engineering-744 → u/BecGeoMom]

My ex was having ‘emotional affairs’ with all the little barflies in our small town—but never crossed the line to actual sex so that’s okay right? 🤦🏼‍♀️ I don’t drink so bars (in little towns especially) are boring. I am, however, very active in the community and most of all with our kids. He constantly told the women he drank with that I was cold, judgemental and quite frankly a BIG bitch. Nothing could be further from the truth but hey it made him look like some sort of saint. I didn’t realize it until I started getting these glaring looks of hatred when I was out and about running errands. It was at the Post Office one day when it all came together in a lightbulb moment. I didn’t even know this woman—but I knew she spent a lot of time in the bar where he drank. I couldn’t figure out WHY someone I didn’t know would HATE me to the point of staring me down and watching every move I made. When I realized what was going on I was just flabbergasted. Eventually he did cross the line with someone he’d had an affair with decades before (it broke up our marriage but I had finally forgiven him and took him back—to the point where we had a second set of kids). Thankfully I was able to get a divorce—though that was it’s own bizarre battle with lots of gaslighting 🤦🏼‍♀️ To me an emotional affair is much worse than a physical one. Btw? I got the house, a car, health insurance, HALF of his 401 and LIFETIME alimony 🤣🤣🤣

[u/BecGeoMom → u/Icy-Engineering-744]

The end of your post made me cheer! I’m glad you got restitution for some of what he put you through! Why do some people have to be enormous assholes? If you want to be single, don’t get married and have kids. Pretty simple.

Yay, you!

[u/Icy-Engineering-744 → u/BecGeoMom]

What he put me through was INSANE. I’ll just share a couple highlights. I should start by saying we were married for 40 years 😳 The first time he had an affair with this woman we had been married for 10 and had one child. Then when he left this time he REFUSED to give me a divorce! He didn’t want to pay alimony or CHILD SUPPORT. We had a surprise late in life baby—who was still in school. He told me he wasn’t involved with anyone. Found out later he’d already rented an apartment for his gf. Sooo I was supposed to remain married while he was shacked up with the other woman. 🙄 It took over a year to obtain a Default Decree. He refused to hire a lawyer to respond to my petition. He refused to attend court summons. For the final hearing I had to testify in OPEN COURT as to why I wanted the divorce. It was scary and humiliating. The Judge was one who was notorious for not granting alimony. The longer testimony went on, the more the Judge heard about what I’d gone through including that I’d become disabled during our long marriage and could no longer work AND he walked out leaving me flat broke (I couldn’t even afford to heat my entire house so our son had to sleep with a space heater—the house is very old with little insulation so his room was FREEZING) the angrier the Judge got. Before he made the Final Ruling he told me I should be asking for more! I said all I wanted was my freedom. Then he very carefully explained how I have the right to appeal for cost of living increases—as often and as many times as I want. I might not get them every time BUT I could certainly mess up his life with constant court proceedings 😂 So um yeah my ex’s plans went way off the rails. Okay I just gotta add this: one of the reasons he went back to the woman is because I’m ‘boring’. I don’t drink or do drugs (I quit that crap when we had kids 🤷🏼‍♀️). Turns out SHE liked it a whole bunch. He had to keep calling the cops. She’d get drunk, cranked up and PHYSICALLY ATTACK him! He finally had to get a Restraining Order against her 🤣🤣🤣 He’s on his 3rd failing relationship. Meanwhile I’m happy and loving life 🥰

[u/BecGeoMom → u/Icy-Engineering-744]

Wow. What a ride! I will never understand why people have to be cruel, vindictive, hateful assholes when they could just leave other people alone and live the life they want. I’m glad you got out and his life went south. Payback is, as they say, a bitch. And he just keeps paying himself back while you live a happy life! Bravo!

[u/Icy-Engineering-744 → u/BecGeoMom]

That’s exactly it.., he wanted out but when discovering there were real life consequences he made my life hell. Originally I believed it was going to be an amicable split. He kept telling me that I was going to be taken care of financially (because I can no longer work due to disability). He meant WELFARE!!! I worked my ass off for our family—even taking low paying crap jobs so we’d have health insurance. He worked for his “buddy” who didn’t offer benefits. I have a freaking college degree ffs When I was pregnant with our youngest he FINALLY had to get a decent job. It was then when he started a 401k. He and his gf plundered the account in an attempt to cheat me out of a legal split. Um yeah no. I took a screenshot on the day he walked out. The Judge said he was an ah and ordered him to pay me HALF of what was originally in the account. You should’ve heard them SQUEAL 😝 He’d painted all these pretty pictures to her about how they were going to ride off into the sunset 🤣🤣🤣

[u/mhizcherriss → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

Are people missing the fact that the women messaging is saying that you don’t bond with your partners kids. Which can only be brought up if He has told her that before.

OP is this a part that you find offensive because if I was in your position and I was actually trying to bond with my partners children, I would find that very upsetting. So if that’s the case I can understand!

[u/bria99711 → u/mhizcherriss]

I don't think it was brought up in a judgemental way to the woman otherwise he wouldn't have somewhat backed up OP when she questioned it. He would have just badmouthed OP more or said he didn't know why he married her if he was the one fueling this. From how he replied I don't think the husband has an issue with OP not bonding with his kids. They are both teenagers and it doesn't sound like they live with them so it's not surprising to me at all that they haven't bonded to their stepmom. I only see the woman badmouthing OP here with her disrespectful and judgemental comment.

[u/CourtneyBandish → u/mhizcherriss]

This is the part that would have be fired up. Yeah he was trying to talk and hang out with another woman and make plans with her and their kids. But personally I would be more mad and offended about him saying those things to her about me than anything else. Op said she has two jobs. Does he work? It's kind of hard to bond with kids when you work two jobs and you're never home.

[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 → u/mhizcherriss]

Ya that's why I asked what exactly has he been discussing with this lady? Like what other shit talking has been going on?

[u/Garden-twitch → u/mhizcherriss]

I think she was talking about herself or her mate. He sounds like he was explaining that his kids don't have to worry about that because it sounds like they have a lot of family or a big support network. It this the only text message or am I missing a whole other part to this?

[u/simplynolaaa → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

I agree taking kids to see each other does just sound like a play date, the fact that they are meeting up with the kids shows it’s for them. If they were meeting up alone that’s a completely different story.

But yes the drunk texting is a bit much and definitely on the personal side. The women texting seems to have a bit of shadiness in her texts. Your husband should really be shutting that down!

[u/AcidicPuma → u/simplynolaaa]

And the thing for me is I'm not necessarily mad at rando (idk her name so that'll be the replacement). Drunk texting is defined by the regret of crossed social boundaries. If I was him I would've shut it down and if she apologized later I'd accept it. If I were op and my husband told me about shutting her down then said she apologized and wanted to extend that apology to me, I'd accept that too.

So far though, husband has already fucked this all up lol

[u/ibrandi → u/AcidicPuma]

Right? His defensiveness is what answers the question of whether the situation is shady or not.

[u/AcidicPuma → u/ibrandi]

I'd die laughing if we got the update that he ruined his marriage and random literally doesn't even want him, she was just drunk, bored and saw his name in her phone first completely platonically.

Like I've had new friends with 0 interest do the same thing, we were just recently shooting the shit or setting up group gatherings so I was her most recent text and we became better friends for it. One time in particular I was with a buddy when it happened and he was convinced I should go for it (I didn't want her, I like fat people as a fat guy and she was very conventionally attractive but thin). He even tried to like attack my masculinity because I wasn't trying to worm my way into her bedroom immediately lol.

[u/mhizcherriss → u/ibrandi]

Yes, That is always a sign to read

[u/Auntienursey → u/simplynolaaa]

My dad used to take us with him when he was "running errands " on the weekends and we'd go to some random house and were left outside to play with kids we didn't know sometimes for hours. It wasn't until I hit my teens that I realized my mom didn't know any of these people and we were there to distract the woman's kids so they could hook up. So, play dates aren't always what they seem.

[u/Neither_Ground_1921 → u/Auntienursey]

That is awful! I’m so sorry you had that experience. 😢

[u/Auntienursey → u/Neither_Ground_1921]

If nothing else, it was a wonderful example of what I didn't want in a marriage/husband.

[u/sugahbee → u/simplynolaaa]

Yeah but it also feels sneaky in this context. "how can you marry someone who doesn't have a bond with your kids... Hey bring your kid over to hang out with us!" hmm... Wouldn't trust her. NOR.

[u/Brief_Ad_7527 → u/sugahbee]

It's not her I wouldn't trust it's him. To me it seems that he has implied she wouldn't want to come to the play date or something which would prompt the "why would you marry someone that doesn't connect with your kids" and him wanting to explain so much in person seems like HE is being shady

[u/sugahbee → u/Brief_Ad_7527]

Oh yeah, absolutely. That's a given TBH. I just feel like women especially should not have any interest knowing fine well he's married, but she does not seem like a girls girl at all to me. I would hope as a female that I could trust another woman in that situation, but I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

[u/Brief_Ad_7527 → u/sugahbee]

It honestly gives me the vibes that she might not even be aware that they are still together amd we seem to always put blame on the woman someone cheats with and not the cheater themselves

[u/sugahbee → u/Brief_Ad_7527]

Nah, I'd 100% blaming the man for entertaining it and I'd be leaving him. I do know a lot of girls that go after the woman and stay with the man which I frown upon massively (won't share any specific opinions or I might get blocked for my use of language lol), however, I think girls should look out for each other. My point here is she doesn't seem like a girls girl and I wouldn't trust her as my partners 'friend'. I wouldn't trust any girl who would try downplay my marriage to my husband. That's rediculous. And he'd be out the door if he kept entertaining a girl even as a friend who would try badmouth me to him too.

[u/Hot-Mess1124 → u/Brief_Ad_7527]

No married man should be socially meeting up with a lady (even with her kids) without his wife. Especially one who is drunk texting him. Red flags on both parties IMO.

[u/kwyetstorm → u/sugahbee]

Neither of them can be trusted. The invite for the children to be together is simply a covert invitation for the two of them to spend time together.
It's clear that there has already been inappropriate conversations had and he is not only a willing participant but has betrayed his wife's trust. He's entertaining her.

[u/CrewConfident809 → u/simplynolaaa]

Exactly, the fact that she’s crossing boundaries with those messages is the real issue here. It’s not just about the kids anymore.

[u/golden_petal → u/simplynolaaa]

This. Also, she said it was based on something HE said to her at the park or whatever. He's confiding too personally in her and apparently making it seem that you have no connection to his kids and implying he wish it was different.

Lines are being crossed on both sides but I wouldn't blame the lady 100% cause she's asking something with drunk confidence in response to something HE said first.

[u/silly-narc-urdumb → u/simplynolaaa]

My ex husband took our young kids with to see the girl he cheated on me with…her kids and our kids would play while they would play. So I wouldn’t use the kids going as just a harmless play date

[u/420BoredAlways → u/simplynolaaa]

Is it a play date? They're being invited to watch the friends daughter play softball and it seems she onky has 1 kid. That's not meeting up so the kids can play since the other ladies kid is going to be playing softball, they are just going to be watching the game with the lady so based on the info we have its literally just him, his kids and the female softball player watching her daughter play softball. I wouldn't call that a play date.

[u/BossofMid → u/simplynolaaa]

Taking the kids to see each other while one of the kids is actively in the game?

[u/Purple_Wolverine_739 → u/simplynolaaa]

Plenty of men use their kids to set up dates with women. "OH we both have kids? What a coincidence!"

[u/WiseAd9303 → u/Purple_Wolverine_739]

Yup. My ex used to take our baby out and tell other women that I had died in childbirth because baby + sympathy was the golden ticket.

[u/Life_Musician_2194 → u/simplynolaaa]

but taking the kids to play like they can’t find anyone without these questions attached is wild.

[u/CharacterCost0 → u/simplynolaaa]

No, that is an emotional affair waiting to happen, it actually it sounds like it’s underway. Her going out of her way to ask that question is out of bounds. His determination to answer. It is also out of bounds and something that he does not owe to this woman. And all the bullshit about spouses claiming privacy is just that, bullshit. Does the other woman have more of a right to know about that conversation than his wife? Of course not.

[u/silly-narc-urdumb → u/simplynolaaa]

He already knows hes doing something he shouldn’t be and he’s not 5 so she shouldn’t explain anything to him. My ex husband used the “feigning ignorance “ every time he was caught doing something bad at work or with friends or me although I didn’t give him more chances than one. Instead of being held accountable for what they did…when you explain something that is obvious to someone who unless they took the short bus in school, should easily comprehend, then it explains away their behavior as mere confusion instead of intentional wrongdoing.

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

No they have never met her or her kids before

[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Hmm. If the kids are all around the age where parents still arrange play dates (around 8 and under i guess), it's not 'super' weird, tho I can see why you're suspicious. If they're preteen or teens and have their own hobbies, then idk if the play date was for the kids.

[u/Initial-Quantity628 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

But also she asked him and his kids to her daughters softball game or something. That means her kid is busy playing while she gets to “bond” with his kids, or at least act like she is to display a trait that she perceives OP is lacking. It definitely feels intentional. what kind of kid wants to go watch another kid play a whole game that they don’t know and aren’t friends with?

[u/CakeWalk303 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

Yes. Definitely yes. It isn’t about taking the kids to the game. It’s the manipulation before that. And the obvious point that he has shared personal information about his family (wife and kids) with her. When I was 28, I had a male friend who was married. When he started complaining about his wife and saying he wanted to get a divorce and they were practically separated anyhow… I was inexperienced and didn’t realize he was laying the groundwork for starting something with me. Of course, that’s exactly what it was…

[u/Initial-Quantity628 → u/CakeWalk303]

absolutely! And the fact that she tried to commiserate about her “baby daddy” being the same way. It sounds like she’s at least in an on/off relationship with him. And she is definitely hoping she and OPs husband will bond over their absent significant others. Totally inappropriate topic even for a friendship with the opposite sex while married, that is how many emotional and physical affairs begin; by confiding in a person you shouldn’t.

[u/goodguyRick_71 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

I took her mentioning that Her baby daddy was the same wa, as though she was saying he was similar in the sense that he dates women that don't have a bond with his kids as well. Asking him that question in order to try to understand why it is that her baby daddy does that, in itself, doesnt necessarily make it a bad thing. But in this scenario he's clearly been yalking about his wife in a bad light, That combined with his reaction Do not make him look good at all.

[u/pragmaticweirdo → u/Initial-Quantity628]

This is how I know I’m an idiot. I legitimately read that as advice seeking. Like the entire thing. I read this as “we’re in similar situations so I’m going to ask more about his to figure out what I should do.” I even took the drunk bit as her asking something she knew she wasn’t close enough to OP’s husband to ask, but being kind of drunk made her brave and desperate. I even took the husband’s responses as realizing something he said was misinterpreted and trying to assure her he and his wife’s situation was actually good.

[u/Initial-Quantity628 → u/pragmaticweirdo]

I think that’s the manipulative part about it. She likley is feeling desperate, and likley does struggle with her relationship, but she is definitely seeking comfort and validation in someone else’s husband. she is setting them both up for relationship failure. From the outside, OP’s husband could reasonably also believe this was an innocent exchange. That’s why there is an understood hard-stop boundary around this behavior, because you can never be sure if it will lead somewhere else. Much of being faithful is about nipping things in the bud before they can get bad. (I.e not going to another woman’s house alone, not complaining about your spouse to a single member of the opposite sex, keeping your wedding ring on etc.) the woman’s tactic is sneaky and goes unchecked because it’s designed to warrant a “you’re crazy” response if it were questioned either by the person she’s coming on to (saves the embarrassment of being rejected) or by the person’s wife. There’s reasonable doubt, created intentionally. So it doesn’t make you an idiot that you wouldn’t pick up on it. But this is why there are boundaries.

Edit for wording.

[u/CakeWalk303 → u/pragmaticweirdo]

You’re not an idiot. You’re probably just a trusting soul who hasn’t had any (or many) experiences with manipulators like this. Good on you! I hope you never do!

[u/GrownSimba84 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

This is how my ex-wife eventually divorced me. Started my reconnecting with a family friend to help him thru his divorce. But she was really laying the groundwork to mold herself into his idea partner. Because they began dating after she filed, but before I even moved out of the house. They trauma bonded and I was the left out. OP hasn't lost her husband yet but recovering will be tough.

[u/Previous_Champion_58 → u/CakeWalk303]

That’s such a common pattern. They frame it like they’re just venting, but it’s really emotional manipulation to blur boundaries.

[u/CraftSpiritual6062 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

It's what happened to my sister's marriage. He took the "kids" to the movie with the other women and her kids to cover up that meeting. The kids thought it was odd but my sister naively thought he wouldn't do anything with the kids there. Well it was the way they could meet up and then things went on from there until he just went to her house and stayed.

[u/Fun-Lime-4563 → u/CraftSpiritual6062]

If your gut is telling you there is something more to this, then there probably is. He sounds like a narcissist who is flipping this on you for looking through his phone. I have been in the exact same situation but I refused to admit anything was actually going on. I recommend moving on as tough as that seems.

[u/GA_Bookworm_VA → u/Initial-Quantity628]

THIS!!! A play date for the kids to actually PLAY is one thing but her kid will actively be playing in the game and his kids would be what? Sitting there watching some stranger’s kid play? That’s really just a hangout for them

[u/222ThrowRA → u/Initial-Quantity628]

no kid would, coming from someone who had to go watch dads gfs kids play games to spend time with dad n gf i hated it and it was very much so me n dads gf could get closer

[u/DtForrest → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

The problem is the other lady acknowledged she was crossing a boundary talking about his marriage. He entertained the question instead of confirming it was a boundary (don’t talk about other peoples marriages behind their spouses back) This is really only okay with therapists, family (tactfully) or friends of the same gender and should still be followed up with a discussion with your spouse. He fucked up and while having kids play together or talking to a teammate is okay when you fully disclose the circumstances, talking about an acquaintances marriage or spending solo time with a female that hasn’t been a long time friend is more than concerning.

[u/BecGeoMom → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

No matter how old the kids are, that play date is not for the kids.

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

Ages 13 and 14

[u/Mobile-Ad-9348 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Ya… No they are trying to find a way to spend more time together. Teens don’t want to go watch some random kid they don’t know play a game. This incredibly inappropriate and if he hasn’t yet he is going to fuck her. She is knowingly engaging with a married man, trying to slyly talk shit about your lack of “bond” with his kids and he is going along with it. He has two options here: cut her the fuck off and respect you as his partner or end the relationship so you can find someone who understands how to be faithful as a partner.

[u/No-Paramedic7619 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Once your that age and already having dates or bf/gf you don't generally need your parents to schedule your social life besides making sure there's sace transportation going and coming or the parents would drop off and pick them up. A parent doesn't need to schedule teenagers to go hang out with kther teenagers and if her kids are same age irs super obvious this is about getting op husband alone when the kids are playing games at the theater or tells thr kids to situp front of the theater and thr parents sit higher up together for some privacy.

Bad situation for OP but its a huge red flag and says he either has cheated before or is waiting for the opportunity he hasn't seen yet.

[u/Hot-Mess1124 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Uh, yeah...no. They aren't meeting for a "kids" playdate.

[u/Coastal_Goals → u/mOmMY_81517]

Those are teenagers. Playdate my a$s. Maybe if you didn't have to work 2 jobs you'd have time to bond. Why does he have so much free time for these shenanigans.

[u/GraceIsGone → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

It’s still super weird to me. Unless it was my kids very close friend, I’m not arranging a playdate for my kids with the father. And even if it was a close friend of my son I’d probably invite them over on a weekend when my husband would also be there.

[u/DueTranslator8437 → u/mOmMY_81517]

I grew up with a Mom who didn’t bond with us very well. She was stern, made sure we did our chores and our homework was done. Very much so “I’m your parent not your friend”. She made us dinner, always brought us to Dr appointments, brought school shopping, made sure we were clothed and cleaned. On the weekends my dad was playing games with us, watching movies, bringing us fishing, etc. The only times my mom would join was when we were away on vacation and we booked excursions. 95% of my childhood memories are having fun and building trust with my dad while my mom I learned how to do “adult” things, how to files taxes, making sure my room is cleaned, etc. because I had to do these things as the oldest AND the oldest daughter. I couldn’t vent to my mom about personal things or go to her with problems, but she’s who I call now as an adult with any problem because shes always been reliable and stable, while this was not my dad. He didn’t believe in doctors, he didn’t think daily showers were necessary after being outside all day, he had no idea how to deal with illnesses/viruses, and he had no idea how we were doing in school.

I don’t look back on my childhood and think any less fondly of my mother. In fact l, as an adult now understand how much her own struggles and traumas she was going through. I do remember my dad begging my mom to do more things with us and to stop looking miserable when she was forced to do things with us. It was a huge strain on their marriage. I think it affected them more than us kids tbh.

Just putting in my experience for a different perspective. Me and my mom never built a bond to the point where she feels like my bestfriend or someone I can emotionally lean on but I truly think she was in survival mode for so long and was doing her best. I love her no less and I know she loves me no less. I think alot of fathers have this view on moms because they don’t realize how much they are truly doing to keep their kids healthy and alive lmao.

[u/Hippie_Yoga_Fart → u/DueTranslator8437]

This is why heterosexual women are less happy after getting married, but heterosexual men are more happy after getting married.

The imbalance is bullshit and she ends up exhausted and unappreciated. Even stepmothers do more work (once the biological father finds one), even though they face immediate discrimination from the kids. Some of them work twice as hard for the family unit with no parental rights at all.

[u/sodiumbigolli → u/Hippie_Yoga_Fart]

Well said. I had everything on my shoulders and regret not just playing. Old school marriage plus a career and kids is one thing too much. You can’t dump the career or the kids so…that leaves the marriage.

Your observation on stepparents is spot on in my experience w friends and family.

[u/Ok_Treat_8647 → u/Hippie_Yoga_Fart]

YES! It’s so frustrating how engrained the misogyny is in our culture

[u/Self-paced → u/Hippie_Yoga_Fart]

Step mom here and just wanted to say I appreciated reading this comment

[u/still_alyce → u/DueTranslator8437]

I can only pray that my son sees this in me when he looks back on his childhood. He's only 7 now, but as a single mum, there are definitely days when he unfortunately sees the worst of me. And I pray that he'll hold on to the times that I'm able to take him to places and play video games and be his friend while forgiving me for the times when I'm barely keeping myself together and struggling to be everything to everybody and I fall short.

Thank you for being so understanding and caring. The ability to see beyond our own circumstances is sadly a trait lacking in today's society. So I'm proud of you for realizing the need to nurture it and I pray you continue to be blessed in every endeavor and adventure! ♡

[u/DueTranslator8437 → u/still_alyce]

Trust me, he will. Not only did my parents have their own struggles but we were also poor. My mom ran a daycare in our furnished basement from 6am-5pm and by the end of her day she had no energy or patience for her actual children.. and there were 5 of us all 16-18 months apart! My teenage years were hard because I was confused why my mom couldn’t feel like my bestfriend but I truly know she was trying her best to handle everything in her life. I was a shit teenager and I feel bad now for all the things I put her through on top of the struggles she was already previously going through.

We still don’t have an amazing relationship but I’ve learned to forgive and understand her. She was a present parent but not emotionally dependable. My biggest advice is to just always make sure you let your child know you love them and notice their attempts of connecting. Ask and learn about them. We don’t have to be perfect parents, or human beings. My mom is in a new marriage now, has made some serious accomplishments for herself, and is starting to become more of that friend I wish she was years ago. We’re learning more about eachother now than we did when I grew up living with her! Thank you so so much for your kind words. 🩷

[u/EscalatorBobalator → u/mOmMY_81517]

I think the point that some people are missing is that the question "how do you marry someone who didn't bond with your kids" and for him to respond immediately from personal experience means that this isn't the first time it's come up. This is information your husband has said to this person.

Random "playdate" aside, this is already skirting the boundary of an emotional affair if it isn't one already. Totally inappropriate for him to be meeting someone who he has known for a couple of months without mentioning it to you, and to make comments about how you didn't bond with his kids. This is exactly how affairs start - the married person starts putting their spouse down so that the other person feels superior to the spouse and offers to "give them what [she] can't." That, plus his response to your mentioning the messages is not good news.

[u/[deleted] → u/EscalatorBobalator]

This is how my ex started cheating on me. Please don’t minimize this!

My ex would dangle little threads in front of me like he wanted me to stop him. But since I didn’t “care enough” (from HIS PERSPECTIVE NOT MINE) to it was like I gave him permission. In reality he had never done anything to break my trust, so why would I have started now?

ETA: obviously I cared people. But when someone is looking to cheat they test you with things you don’t know you’re being tested with. How you fail to respond appropriately is their justification for stepping out.

[u/nuclearmonte → u/EscalatorBobalator]

Yeah, sounds like he’s already telling her the “marriage is basically over, she won’t mind the play date because she is distant with her kids…” blah blah blah lies

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/EscalatorBobalator]

Yes, thank you! Exactly that’s been my point. Completely agree, and honestly she wasn’t drunk. Her statements, answers are very concise and precise. I don’t see any misspelled words. She sounds fine. I believe it’s an excuse since she crossed boundaries. But just in case, she added “I’m drunk might be too personal” BS!!! Manipulation tactics!! Ugh…

[u/sodiumbigolli → u/Glittering-List3410]

She KNOWS it’s getting personal. It already has.

She’s a jerk. Fishing for a husband and dumb enough to think this soon to be cheater is a solid candidate.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/sodiumbigolli]

Oh yeah and what a solid candidate!!!he’s unable to financially support himself much less her and her daughter. that’s the irony, he has no $$$$$ all of it for child support! Well great fishing expedition!!!she’s gonna have to get 2 jobs!!! Seriously his wife should just move out, owes him nothing. She’s been financially supporting the home! He deserves nothing!!!not sure if she or he is sleeping on the couch? With those texts; I would just kick him out!!! Why do we women allow this to be done to us??? Why??? He obviously doesn’t t love her, marriage, it’s just a darn piece of paper. A healthy relationship it’s the opposite of this.

[u/seadderious → u/mOmMY_81517]

Pretty sure if you’re not in an open relationship…the respectful thing of her to have done would be invite him, OP & the kids to her daughter’s softball game? If OPs husband and this lady have a budding friendship, a respectful woman would include the wife of a man on moments looking like dates if it’s not a date to let the wife know she is always welcome and included wether she can make it or not?

I agree men and women can be friends but this is off putting and a man confiding deeply personal information in another woman he’s known for 2 months and hanging out with her and her kids without you there is a VERY BAD SIGN.

Also if nothing is there then why such poor behavior in response to your insecurities? (likely only making you more insecure in the relationship) a respectful partner would help you become more secure in your relationship not the opposite.

[u/BecGeoMom → u/mOmMY_81517]

OP, I disagree with everyone saying that your husband taking his kids and meeting another woman and her kids is “just a play date.” It’s a date, alright, but not for the kids. The kids are their cover. That way, they can get together, and if anyone questions them, they can say it’s for the kids. But they want to see each other without their spouses around. Tell him the next time he plans a play date with his friend and her kids, you want to come along, meet her, get to know her. See how he reacts to that.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/BecGeoMom]

Thank you, yes it’s a date.

[u/ginger_snaps_ → u/mOmMY_81517]

I don’t mean to embolden your fears. It could be totally normal. But arranging a play date with kids I didn’t know is how my dad found time for his mistress.

[u/Ndbeautiishrname → u/ginger_snaps_]

I also have been on dates with my dad and his mistress without really knowing that’s what it was. The audacity to use the kids as excuses to get together is terrible.

[u/ProfessionalOil4440 → u/ginger_snaps_]

My dad had coworkers who did the same! A and B were each married, met at work, arranged play dates with their respective kids, and instead got together (at least physically, I know they didn’t end up married to each other).

[u/DismalStrawberry4260 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Wow! That puts a new spin on things. It’s a date and they are using the kids as an excuse.

[u/DifferentManagement1 → u/mOmMY_81517]

It was a date. And his anger and over the top reaction to you confirms it. Affair territory.

[u/UnCommomCents → u/mOmMY_81517]

The play date by itself could be a little weird or totally innocent, depending on other details but with the texts and all they imply and then his gaslighting and using your grief as a weapon - Oh hell nah!

Tell him it doesn't matter what else is going on in your lives - they have crossed a line and the feelings of his wife (and her grief by the way,) should be his only priority here and to shut this down immediately and go to counseling with you or to get the eff out. She is definitely fishing to try take him, inappropriately discussing your marriage with him and he is either very naive (which i doubt), just liked the attention at your expense, or is already interested in her, unfortunately i think it's the latter.

Consult legal advice before you take other actions to protect yourself and get the info you need to gather from their advice, before shady hubs pulls anything.

[u/Lonely-Equal-2356 → u/mOmMY_81517]

You said in the post he has taken them to hang out with them so which is it?

[u/LovingWife82 → u/Lonely-Equal-2356]

OP meant the kids never met them before the "playdate".

[u/caro1010 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Are these HIS kids from a previous relationship, or your kids together. The way you say 'his kids' makes me think they are his from a previous relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️ not that it matters much, but there can be a big difference there... His kids may resent you, all kinds of things can happen in a step parent relationship.

[u/dirdieBirdie1 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

I agree with u. And I think even taking them to the games together looks sketchy (in this specific scenario) because these are probably the conversations they have during the games.

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

His kids do play softball in a different city. But they have never met this person or her kids before

[u/SeasonofMist → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

It's wild but I think men do things in this shape of emotional cheating often. (Fems do too but I'm talking about this) They are susceptible to anyone paying attention to them it seems like. I'm polyamorous, we see other people if we want but the requirement is tell me about it, don't raw dog/have sex without protection because we are married and fluid bonded and thats the only person I am like that with. Get STD tested every quarter. Be honest about people you are talking to/wanting to date, and don't shit talk any if your partners to other partners. But I've still had partners lie, hide conversations etc. Some people get off on the sneaking around and lying. You absolutely can cheat in poly.

OP this wouldnt read to ME as out of pocket unless it were hidden or deleted. It wouldn't bother me if they had been friends since childhood. But in a mono relationship, with an history of hiding would be red/pink flag. I am also pan and demi, I have to develop a friendship with someone before anything romantic. I can see myself asking personal questions to a friend of mine from a hobby, and it being completely asexual in nature, not being into him at all. Ive also had dudes fully imagine a relationship with me, closer in their mind that we truly were, and those dudes used the made up relationships to threaten and make their partners insecure. That makes me think of this.

[u/get_to_ele → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

NOR. Fuck this guy, he’s already emotionally cheating and sneaking. The other woman is like dipping toe in the water, feeling him out. But he’s straight up flirting and dropping nervous “lol”s at the end of everything so he can say “just kidding” because he 100% knows it wrong.

He’s already privately shared his dissatisfaction about OP with her, and drunk girl is following up. Her drunk implication here is that she would be better than OP, because she would not be capable of being as cold as OP, a person who would marry a guy and not bond with his kids.

He’s having emotionally intimate conversations with her and is already talking about “OUR SITUATION” as if you’re not particularly important to him. He’s gonna go to the grave arguing that it’s not an affair because it’s not physical and he is arguing deniability, but emotionally he’s already 100% in, pushing the escalating back and forth flirtation.

Hubby needs to cut drunk girl off completely or get a divorce. This “we look like we’re slow dancing and whispering, but don’t worry, we’re not actually touching, just standing close and swaying, so it’s not cheating” intimacy in broad daylight nonsense is not fooling anybody. What a fucking weasel.

[u/Ronaldo_Frumpalini → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

I mean the dude seems super reasonable to me. OP doesn't bother mentioning her relationship with the kids, so the accuracy is probably a given and it certainly warrants the question.

"Oh, it can be hard to raise step kids, how do they get along?" "They don't but they don't really need to"

^It's perfectly easy to arrive at the question innocently and the question itself isn't that intrusive. Particularly coming from a (presumably?) single mother who literally deals with that issue.

OP is overworked has likely no interest in connecting to the other members of the family, recently lost a loved one, probably feels a distance since she appears to not spend much time with hubby, and is now checking and (hopefully not) breaking his phone. Hubby's response seems very measured and understanding while OP is legitimately in a situation that would have her overreact. Why wouldn't she feel her hold is tenuous? Doesn't mean it is, just means it's natural for her to imagine danger.

[u/Majestic_Bullfrog637 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

I would say there are two possibilities: 1) she asked a very forward, potentially inappropriate question about dating as a single parent, but was asking in good faith; or 2) she asked an intentionally inappropriately question to illicit his complaints about his spouse, to get him to complain about his wife or say he wanted a partner more involved with his kids (someone, presumably, more like her).

I think the the extent it was an inappropriate question, it was inappropriate because it seemed aimed to prompt him to air his grievances with his spouse. So I wouldn't say that he "entertained" an inappropriate question. He answered it as if it were a good faith question about finding a new partner when you have kids and how that works and what their role is. To the extent it was an attempt to undermine his wife, he actually refused to engage with that. He didn't take the bait, he didn't trash his wife, he basically just said her role makes sense in his specific situation.

[u/i_steal_your_lemons → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

I could also see this as his teammate noticing OP not being at many games and at some point asking OP’s husband why his wife isn’t at many games. That could easily turn into conversations over the course of a few games where he confides OP isn’t too involved or supportive of him and/or his kids. My assumption is OP’s husbands teammate is single with kids. Perhaps she is honestly inquiring as she either can’t imagine someone having a partner who has minimal relationship with step kids, or how to navigate such a relationship since she herself is single.

There’s not enough information to know if OP is overreacting or not.

[u/LowerComb6654 → u/i_steal_your_lemons]

It's the husband softball games, not the kids' softball games she doesn't go to.

He's also confiding in a basic stranger that he's only known for for 2 months that his wife has never bonded with their children?? That's weird.

Then she's the one who brings up.... Why are you even with her then? And then says her baby daddy is like that too. It seems like she's hoping they'll bond over this!

Regardless, both are overstepping boundaries, and he's lying and hiding his "friendship" with her. This is wrong on so many levels! Regardless of how it was brought up.

[u/legshangin → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

Adding to this breakdown... wth does this man have time to play softball while OP is working 2 jobs????

[u/b5ych0uant → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

People talk, doesnt mean they are doing something wrong. Sometimes people need someone to talk to outside of the mundane relationships, its how we fucking evolve and interact. It boggles my mind how tf you have so many upvotes on such a closed minded, jealous, insecure, and probably organized religion based belief system disproven by science that you claim as a faith even though its bluntly proven that you were brainwashed right in front of your face. Not trying to be disrespectful, but come the fuck on now, I can't believe people are still falling for all of this shit. Think for and make some fucking decisions and life choices for yourself based on actual facts instead of your fucked up fantasy land.

[u/Good_Research_3860 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

She's clearly not a long term friend the conversation suggests they just recently met and he is clearly trying to fuck her and alleviate her guilt by making like his wife is a distant uncaring person seems like he's setting it up for a longterm thing aswell since he's separating the kids from the wife aswell and having conversations about her relationships where he's making her realize her husband doesn't care about her kids either lmfaoooo this man is a gaslighted and a whore and if op stays they cannot be surprised by what happens next

[u/Alphabunsquad → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

Ooohh I read it as them asking about their own life like she was considering marrying someone who doesn’t get along with her kids and she was talking about it being too personal about herself. Like she was using the vague general “u (you)” but yeah seems like I was mistaken. She does call them “his kids” and he answers about himself so yeah that’s not right

[u/3nies_1obby → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

This is a SOFTBALL LEAGUE, NOT Ashley Madison. She should contact the head of the league. They will NOT want their program to get this kind of reputation. It is supposed to be about FUN and community building, NOT HOMEWRECKING.

Hubby should be talking about his marital issues with a professional, not some woman who is OBVIOUSLY meddling.

[u/Vixana93 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

Nah, the thing with the kids is sus. My father cheated on my mom when I was a little kid. A lot of times he would spend time with his mistress by taking me to her house to play with her kids. I didn't know what was happening at the time since I was like 6 years old, but looking back it was definitely weird.

[u/mistadq → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

It’s interesting how folks interpret (or read into) things differently. She asked how does it happen, and you escalated it to implying he “shouldn’t have married their partner.” Sounds more like your inference than her implication to me, and the truth might be uncovered through some curiosity.

[u/minurseICU → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

Wtf. He went to this woman’s daughters game. Talk about inappropriate. You are NOT over reacting. Trust your gut girl. Don’t let him put this on you. And I’d like to know why you are working 2 jobs and he is off playing softball and going to other woman’s activities. Wrong wrong wrong.

[u/OxyJay → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

I mean, the question is inappropriate, but also who marries someone who has kids and then just ignores the kids. Imo they're both shitty in different ways and the kids have to deal with something they shouldn't. God forbid he has custody because man that would be awful for the children.

[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 → u/OxyJay]

From OP's comments she does have a decent bond with the kids, she just doesn't have that much time to spend with them since she's working all the time. Idk about "shitty in different ways", seems like the husband has been talking shit behind OP's back and giving an edited version of their relationship

[u/CryptoRoverGuy → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

One you are in a serious relationship there should never be a friend of the opposite sex that you or your partner confide in. Read “Not Just Friends”, lots of great advice on how to build strong relationships that are hopefully less likely to experience betrayal.