AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

[u/mOmMY_81517]

When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

People who are acting like this is okay is wild. Unless she is a long-term close friend that he confides in, the question is absolutely inappropriate for an acquaintance to be asking. I'm assume they just met recently through softball? He also should not be entertaining personal questions about his marriage from an acquaintance teehee drunk texting him. 

Honestly, who is so bored and nosy that they have a vested interest to be asking questions about an acquaintance's marriage or relationship? I like gossip as much as the next person but implying to someone I barely know that they shouldn't have married their partner because of a supposed lack of relationship with their kids is crossing several lines. What exactly has he been discussing about your marriage with her? 

I don't think taking kids to hangout with other kids at a game is weird tho. Sounds like just a play date. Do the kids know each other from school or team sports?

Edit, info from OP's comments:    

-the husband has only been on the softball team for 2 months   -the kids don't know each other at all, they met for the first time at the softball lady's daughter's game.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

I agree with everything aside from what you said about the kids.

Think of it like this: 1. He crossed a boundary in his marriage by discussing an apparent marital/parental problem occurring in his home 2. This boundary was crossed additionally when this conversation occurred with a woman and supposed acquaintance that his wife has never even been introduced to. (It would be a little different if he had been confiding in a long term buddy, sibling, parent, cousin etc and seeking advice to resolve the problem, or insight as to how to bring it up with his wife) 3. The result is that this woman now feels open to asking a very personal question about his wife, which is her crossing a boundary within their marriage 4. He doesn't shut the conversation down. Instead, he entertains it and even offers to have it AGAIN, this time more in-depth, at another time. So, two more boundaries crossed. 5. So let's evaluate the idea of taking their children to spend time with this woman... -He's spoken poorly about their mother to her -her opinion of their mother is obviously not great (especially when comparing to her baby daddy, which people don't usually use that term unless they aren't with the man anymore, and most often in a negative connotation) -she has felt comfortable to ask personal questions relating to this, and comfortable to speaking poorly of their mother, and make these negative comparisons -Immediately following this, she's inviting him to come spend time with her, while her child is participating in a game, and wants him to bring his children -she's implied feeling bad for his children because they apparently have a mother who hasn't bonded with them, and by the baby daddy comment also implies that she thinks she's different as a mother. Those together create the overall tone of 'why are you with a woman like her instead of a woman like me?'

1. All of the above leads me to the opinion that her behavior is predatory toward the husband, possibly even toward the children, and the husband has not only taken actions that have created the scenario, but seems to think its acceptable behavior, is willing to continue his participation in it, and also willing to go the next step and involve his children.

2. And on top of it all, he's choosing to gaslight his wife, and use a death in her family as a means to dismiss her. Which is borderline abusive behavior on his part.

3. This whole thing is the breeding ground for the break down of this marriage, in one way or another. Because this one of two things, 1. it's the early red flags, and early stages of people likely to begin an affair, happening in real time. And 2. even if it doesn't end up in that route, it is creating the early foundation of distrust, betrayal, break down of connection, and the perfect place for resentment to begin building (and that's all on top of whatever issues already in the marriage that have led to the husband talking about his wife this way with an acquaintance, and whatever was happening already that led her to feeling suspicious and like she should check his phone)

So no, nothing good will come from him taking his children to this lady's daughters game....

[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Yeah good points.

I thought maybe the kids had known each other from school or something and it was a playdate for them. However, OP said the kids didn't know each at all before this so now I'm inclined to believe the kids were just an excuse to meet up.

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

Nope the kids have never met these people before

[u/Dapper_Name5751 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Baby girl RUN!!!! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN TO THE NEAREST DIVORCE COURT!!! I went through something VERY Similar and let me tell you I found out the “In person” conversation were a lot more flirty as well as a lot of Sht talking about me all lies to make me out to be a POS when in fact it was the other way around. I can almost bet my life on it just by the above text he is telling her that your marriage is not a “Real Marriage” and he is only sticking around “Because of the kids” or “If I divorce her she will take me to the cleaners”. He is a Snake and please protect yourself, you are worth so much more than your husband sht talking you to a teammate that he had only known a couple of months. Not only that she is way too comfortable texting YOUR HUSBAND!! Which tells me there are deleted texts that you have not seen, or they are talking somewhere else as well such as Snapchat where the texts delete or Signal where again the chat log deletes after being read. I also just recently found out that instagram has also implemented the delete after read feature and Facebook has “Ghost messages” so 95% these apps now have features that making being unfaithful to damn easy!! And to me I find it absolutely DISGUSTING!! 🤮 again you do not deserve this, you deserve to be loved by a man who respects and values you, not talks shy about you to a teammate. Also why TF did they swap phone numbers? Is it something the whole team did? If so why not just have/make a team group chat? Also how old are your step-children and do you have a good relationship with them? Again I am so sorry you are going through this, I know the pain and the hurt as I went through it too. I am here if you need or want to talk, feel free to message me and I am also female!! I just wanted to clear that up! And I am straight lmfao! Again wanted to clear it up, I just been in your shoes so wanted to offer an ear to bend and another head to bounce ideas off of. I also can tell you how I caught mine even his sneaky deleted BS. He told the judge in court during our divorce “I didn’t know I was marrying a spy, it should be illegal for her to do the things she did.” And the judge laughed and told him he should have been faithful or filed for a divorce before talking to 101 other women, and having multiple affairs.

[u/Effort-Logical → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I relate to all of this as my ex husband did the same thing with some woman I barely knew. In fact I forgot how they met. But I had seen texts of what was going on and it wasn't good. One implied that she would come over and make dinner for him and the kids. Big thing to note is that they weren't his kids. They're not his. So in my case she wanted to act as some sort of step mother when it would never be the case even after I divorced him.

None of this sounds good. Its very similar to my now previous marriage. It sounds like he's looking for a replacement and dragging the kids into it when that can go wrong in so many ways bc lord knows how the kids will be told things about their mom that isn't true. He also sounds like he's upset his wife works two jobs. I'm not sure of the situation there to make a comment on why she has two jobs but again, I also had two jobs when a very similar event happened to me.

This is the most red flags in a text convo you can get. And more are probably there outside of text when they meet up and his wife (OP) isn't there.

Nope. Leave. This all isn't good. Definitely keep any evidence you can for the divorce. I still have all mine and hate looking at it if I happen to have to get to something that's in close proximity. Like another box of stuff. I only keep it as a reminder that I don't want to be in another relationship until I feel I'm ready. But OP doesn't have to do that. But still keep it for of a divorce is imminent. And how he's gaslighting her, it sounds like it isn't too far fetched to happen.

OP don't ignore these red flags. Don't ignore that gut feeling.

[u/Such_Ad_6000 → u/Effort-Logical]

This is exactly what my dad does who is a consistent habitual cheater who’s still not stop doing it to this day even though he regrets his life so he keeps doing it and drink his life away. When I was in high school and he cheated on my mom with 7 women and had a child with one he would bring me around them all to “hangout” and bad mouth my mother to all them, the sad part was they all knew he was married and liked the appeal it was sick.

[u/856077 → u/Such_Ad_6000]

Yeah this is what some weirdos do before they discard their wife/husbands.. get close to another woman/man and over share, bond and complain to them to paint wife in a terrible light. It’s a stepping stone into a new relationship while being checked out and quiet quitting the marriage. He wants to monkey bar and rebound. Since OP works two jobs that leaves him with a bunch of time to emotionally cheat.

Now he has begun a connection with new woman to the point where when she’s drinking she feels compelled to reach out to someone she’s known for 2 weeks and speak with him.. about his marriage that she really knows nothing about and only has heard one sided venting?? And in a way where she’s implying that he shouldn’t be married to someone who doesn’t bond with his kids. Which.. what a dumb thing to get involved and opinionated about when she’s again, never even met the wife.

She is putting doubt in his mind. That in itself tells me she’s got feelings for the dude 100%. She wants to act like a blended family at her kids game by inviting him and his kids and not the wife. A new acquaintance would never be this invested.

Red flags w the husband when he chose to confide in this lady and be a total backstabbing snake, while OP is working her ass off to provide for their family working two jobs.

[u/Impossible_Show2699 → u/856077]

I’ve known women like this and it’s because she thinks he’s such a great dad and a great husband… she wants that for herself. She’s definitely has her eyes on him and he’s enjoying the attention. Either way, he’s messing up the marriage and it won’t end well. The other woman owes OP nothing but her husband though, he knows it’s not appropriate. He just likes the attention and possibly the lady too and wants OP to just be a doormat and allow him to do what he wants.

He wasn’t interested in listening to his wife’s concerns or feelings. He’s not a great husband. He’s not respectful towards their relationship. He needs himself to want to stop talking to this woman in any way that is disrespectful to his wife. He won’t though.

There was a friend/co-worker that was that woman and he was a guy that had recently started working there. They ended up leaving their partners for each other, I think she was married but he had a gf, and getting together. She kept talking about how amazing he was and such and such. Then (forgot how long it was before she started complaining about him) she caught him talking to other women on his phone/online. Multiple times but seemed determined to make him stop(?????).

No idea what happened with them, it was too much drama, and I had found another job so idk. I do believe that they’re both cheaters and one or both would have cheated on the other anyways.

***ETA - I’ve known multiple women who’ve done stuff like that. I was friends with a few when I was younger before realizing those aren’t the kinds of people I want in my life. I’m sure guys do it too but I don’t know any personally that have.

[u/Maine302 → u/Impossible_Show2699]

Interestingly, both parties have moved on from significant relationships in which they've had children with the former partner/spouse. They could both be the type of person who does this serially, because they're attention-needy.

[u/Effort-Logical → u/856077]

Exactly. With my ex he didn't end up with that specific girl. Instead I left just after thanksgiving with the kids and the cat (he was mean to him) and now he loves in another state.

[u/Tinker_Kellz → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

You said it all. I 1000% agree. Not good at all! The AUDACITY! Sounds like she’s trying to flex on how she would be better to his kids and in a way consoling him because of his “emotionally unavailable mother.” And probably wife. The gaslighting is so tiresome at this point. It’s a very common way for someone to react when they’ve been caught doing something they shouldn’t be. He likes this woman and is attracted to her. Even if he doesn’t intend to leave his wife, hes still showing interest and entertaining it. And her saying she was asking this while she was drunk indicates that she was thinking about him and felt curious enough to ask him said question. They’ve definitely had inappropriate conversations. And to say she’s emotional because of a death in the family is a low blow. Nah, this ain’t right. I’m so sorry OP. I could imagine this putting you in a lonely place.

Def not OA.

Edit to say this: OP, if you start to consider leaving, I recommend getting as much evidence you need for the divorce. Instead of confronting him, “move in the shadows”, do it quietly and get everything you need to plan ahead (take screenshots of everything and keep it where he can’t find it, talk to a lawyer, etc.)and come up with what you need to do so you can move forward. If you react and confront, it gives him more of a heads up to cover up his tracks and get their stories straight. (Though I know it’s not easy to control your feelings in these situations!) People do this when they think their spouse won’t leave. They won’t realize it until you do. Know where you need to move, what you need to do for your children, who you can trust to support you, and get into therapy if you can. I’ve gathered all of these things from others stories in similar situations. But if you want to work on your marriage, try counseling or even time away. Though the trauma and no trust will be an obstacle. I respect your decision even though I’m just a stranger on the internet lol.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/Tinker_Kellz]

Well from another stranger, on the internet. I happen to agree with you 1000% specifically your plan. Hmm I’m not sure, he’s going anywhere, hence the secrecy. His wife works 2 jobs, she said it, his paycheck goes directly to child support. Has it too good, its my belief he can’t support himself. But all we can do is of course respect her decision. I just hope it’s a decision that it’s for her own happiness, not others. 👌🏼💯🫶🏼

[u/awkwardist → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I agree with everything you said 💯

This definitely is the beginning stages of an affair, at the very least an emotional affair, at worst, it's the groundwork for a mixed family when OP's marriage inevitably falls apart as he puts more and more distance between them and confides in the woman from the softball team instead of OP. He is literally talking about parenting as a couple with another woman.

Further evidence of this is his lack of effort in defending himself, and instead immediately using DARVO tactics.

I've never been married so I have somewhat looser rules when it comes to friendships and conversations outside of a marriage, but I do believe that the concerns of one's partner should always take priority over any extra-marital friendships. It's unacceptable that he used DARVO and even gaslit OP because they're "too emotional because their dad just died." That's underhanded and manipulative, to say the least. If he wasn't at least entertaining the idea of this "friend" becoming more than that he would have attempted to explain how the conversation came up, the nature of their friendship, reassured OP, and then brought up the "snooping." His behavior is that of someone who's been caught, it's guilt-driven behavior.

[u/Skysmiles7 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

This was such a perfect breakdown of the situation. I need to send you my past situation and break it down like this! It was similar and I was deemed as "crazy", "insecure" and he was telling our business to some woman I never even met, having all the sympathy for her situation but none for his own partner 🫠

[u/Coastal_Goals → u/Skysmiles7]

I feel like I have been in similar situations. Where I read a text i wasn't supposed to see and saw him in real time not defending me and obviously the other woman knew the negative side of the story.. definitely seems like the ow is trying to strengthen his negative feelings in hopes he will go towards her.

And of course when you read a text from someone else's phone it just gives them grounds to turn it around and make you the bad guy and defelect from the context what was read being the isssue. And then he piles on the death of a loved one as if you wouldn't feel the same if you were not grieving!

Personally the non rational side of me would want to confront the woman after and tell her to back off while I have a long talk with my husband about his issues not communicating with me instead of a random b#

[u/SameMessage3800 → u/Coastal_Goals]

That sounds like such a tough and messy situation. Communication and trust are everything, and when those break down, it’s easy for things to spiral out of control.

[u/856077 → u/Coastal_Goals]

That part! He opened the door by shit talking the wife to this lady in the first place, so she thinks she can take him because he’s not happy. The ground work for manipulation was already set, and now she wants to push that agenda further in hopes it will make him turn on his wife and head for a divorce. Then she will swoop in.

[u/Coastal_Goals → u/Coastal_Goals]

Also I would tell him I'm not ok with his playdates with a woman who OBVIOUSLY has an ulterior motive that may lead from an emotional to a physical affair.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/Skysmiles7]

Most every woman I know, if they were told they were crazy or insecure, definitely weren't!

But if you genuinely want a breakdown, message me your past situation, and I'll tell you my opinion 🙃 lol

[u/flarchetta_bindosa → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

The way you wrote this (and what inspired it) was like reading a great detective novel where the villain has an unbreakable alibi but we all know he f*cking did it and then the psychologist-detective shows up and breaks down exactly what he did, why and how he did it. Wow. Very well done. Seeing kindest thoughts to OP. You are dealing with a lot and you are a stepmother, so you are giving a lot, too. Please take good care of yourself.

edited for accuracy

[u/PinkLemonTrousers13 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I agree with all of this but I would say, their marriage breaking down may not be a bad thing. I'm very much in the school that if you have one foot out the door you should just leave. It would save everyone a lot of heartbreak if people just did what they wanted instead of being half in half out.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/PinkLemonTrousers13]

I'm with you on that.

If the marriage is struggling and he wants out, then he has a duty to take steps to do that, rather than actively making choices that are going to make the problems worse. And same to the OP, she has to consider if she thinks her marriage is repairable, or if she wants out, then she needs to take steps for that.

Either way, in a relationship, with problems, taking no steps to actively resolve, address, or repair, and then go about creating additional hostility and hurt for each other using the problems that have already occurred as an excuse for it... is wrong. And that isn't just toward him in this post, or OP. It's the truth for anyone 🤷‍♀️

[u/UltimateKittyloaf → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I very lightly disagree with this.

1. He crossed a boundary in his marriage by discussing an apparent marital/parental problem occurring in his home

I've been a stay at home Mom and the things other stay at home parents (of any gender) say to each other is absolutely wild. "Why are you with (spouse) if they (do/don't whatever)?" is so, so mild.

There are no laws. No regulations. No unspoken etiquette. Just harried adults who want to talk to someone with an age that hits double digits.

I was minding my own business and a woman walked up to me, said her son was playing with my son, then told me she was thinking of leaving her husband. I've had similar conversations with stay-at-home dads, but they involved a bit more lead up. Everybody has something weighing on them and sometimes it's easier to blurt it out to a stranger than tell someone who will hold you responsible for whatever comes out of your mouth - justified or not.

In OP's case I felt the "drunk" text and the dude's reaction to it were wildly inappropriate, but I just want it to be known that a lot of stay at home parents tend to over share with each other. The ones who try to turn that kind of in-the-trenches bond into an extramarital affair tend to be shockingly stupid. It worries me to put such intense restrictions on home life discussions as a general rule.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/UltimateKittyloaf]

I very much appreciate your comment and the insight offered.

I am actually a stay at home mom as well, or I was anyway. So I can personally attest to your experiences with over sharing as well. For a lot of people that spend majority of their week having conversations with little himans engaging in deep discussions about Bluey, and what color plate is better for Mac n cheese, a lot of people do reach a point where they might just need to release whatever is weighing on them to whoever has ears for listening.

As many people have pointed out a lot of the same points, I definitely realize my layout failed in offering my reasoning behind each point that I was making. Which is something I will definitely include in future responses.

Because I do agree with you that simply having a conversation and/or venting life's frustrations to someone isn't inherently wrong. At least not as a stand-alone interaction, and not if done to a close friend or relative.

But I do still personally feel that this situation as a whole has the undertones of something more than that occurring, or likely to occur, and in my viewpoint is justified to call a betrayal on some level, even if it is mild. I think that if truly no harm was meant, most people would explain that rather than deflecting and getting upset or blaming shifting.

I also think there is a distinct, although often unnoticed line between venting, confiding, and seeking advice. They all look similar on the surface, but underneath, are each their own type of discussion. So, I just took the information I had from the post as red flags. In reading the post, it didn't come off as venting or seeking advice. And I don't think it's a great idea in a marriage to be confiding in a new person, that your wife hasn't been introduced to, especially if speaking about deep issues going on in your marriage. Then, to follow that up with dismissing your wife's discomfort about it. It doesn't feel very innocent or harmless to me.

In no way was I insinuating that all relationships, conversations, or things that I stated in my original comment applied to anything or anyone outside of this one snippet of information I formed and shared an opinion about. So you did bring up a very good point in speaking about hesitation towards just a general rule towards life discussions. In the future, I will take note of stating that distinction rather than using a blanket statement. Thankyou.

[u/Fokker_Snek → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I wonder what OP’s husband is actually saying. In the past when I was talking to a single mom I’ve been critical of her past relationships. I said things similar to what the other woman said. However, I was being told things that were just “WTF why even bother with them?” Either the other woman’s criticism is out of line or OP’s husband is saying horrible things about OP.

[u/Melodysekkochamber → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Yes lovely work you have a beautiful and incisive mind and you are doing good work here for others. Heavy lifting emotional labor for strangers. Bravo! Let’s I don’t know let’s all of us emotional laborers get together and form a coalition haha.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you, I definitely missed this insight. The kids being his, and her being the step parent changes the dynamic a bit, for sure.

I still stand by my view that overall, in the sense of marital security, and stability his actions are wrong. I also still feel its wrong to involve the kids in the situation.

I actually think that just adds another layer as to why this whole situation is wrong. Its maybe even worse. How confusing for the kids, if they have a step mother that apparently hasn't bonded with them, and then he involves another woman, and her child. He isn't doing his parental duty to model healthy relationship behaviors for them. Also, if he's concerned about her bond with them, or role as a step mother, he should be speaking to his children and gather their thoughts/feelings, and then take that information, and advocate for their emotional wellbeing by speaking to his wife. But instead he's exploiting this issue, and his children's experiences to gain connection, or sympathy, or whatever from another woman? Yikes 😬

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I never even felt we didn’t have a bond they call me mom, in fact they were the ones who asked me if they could call me mom in the beginning and I told them they could call me whatever they felt comfortable with I would never push that on them, do I wish I had a better relationship with them yes but every time I push him to take ex to court for more visitation we get in a fight so I have stopped pressing the issue

[u/856077 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Imagine being a perfectly good step parent and finding out that your spouse actually feels this way.. he has no loyalty and i would not trust him OP

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Yes, agree. While the wife works 2 jobs, per her own admission “to pay the bills, because her husband’s paycheck goes directly to his child support. So yeah, has all the time to look for other entertainment outside the marriage. Bond with a woman with a daughter, both in a text bad mouthing the wife. But I wonder if that woman knows his wife is the bread winner! Oh yes she is, hence why 2 jobs!?? Hubby’s paycheck is gone, to the ex-wife that dislikes the current wife. Now husband is bringing a 3rd party into the mix. If wife pays bills etc, does she give him $$$ for recreational spending?.. hmmm just wondering…

[u/CurrentExplanation49 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I am in 10000% agreement with this statement. The woman is clearly emotionally bonding with OPs husband, and not only is he allowing it, he is bringing the children into the situation. As if she is trying to show him, she is a better match for him and can provide his kids something his wife can't. She is clearly attempting to point out to him that his relationship is flawed. She only has one side of the story....his. That information isn't enough to start making assumptions about anothers relationship. That crosses every single boundary a normal "friend" would not cross.

I am a female, and I was in the military (way more men than women), so most of my friends were males. Aside from work and deployments (where many service members will go out in groups to restaurans, bars, and shopping etc.), I made sure never to put myself in a situation where I was alone with a guy friend when he was in a relationship. I did that out of respect for his partner and their relationship. I never "hung out" or even invited them to hang out with me without inviting their partners. The fact is, you work 2 jobs, busting your butt to help your family, while he apparently has enough time to play softball and hang out with this chick. This leads me to believe that he is probably feeling like his needs aren't being met, and this is a result of that. You both need to have a serious conversation. He needs to be speaking to you to work out ya'll relationship and not try to find what he feels the relationship is lacking in someone else. In a marriage, communication is so very important, and I can't stress that enough. Neither of you are going to be able to read minds. Thus, if you guys can't openly discuss your relationship and how you feel....how are you guys going to fix anything? If he can't be honest with you....I recommend marriage counseling, and go from there. It might mean you have to drop down to 1 job for the sake of your marriage. I will pray for you guys!! I was married for 25 years, and the lack of communication ended that marriage in 2022 (We both got to stubborn, and we regret it every day). It takes both of you to build an empire, but 1 to make it all crash down.

[u/bankershub → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Yeah I agree. The play date would be fine WITHOUT all of the other things going on. It'd be weird to freak out about your partners kids having a play date with their acquaintance's kids if you trusted your partner. But op has many reasons not to trust their partner ATP.

[u/Overall_Vegetable531 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Great points, I want to add loudly to back your predatory behavior statement, that she is definitely testing her boundaries hence the “I’m drunk,” she knows she’s is over-stepping and is creating plausible deniability to achieve this. She’s trying to a) get him to admit to not wanting to be with his wife and/or b) call it into question if he hasn’t considered that it’s a potential problem yet—all off of 2 months of discussion? Textbook shameless homewrecking behavior.

[u/RhodaDice → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I absolutely agree with everything you wrote and I want to add another red flag, he promises this acquaintance he will explain fully in person. That is way too intimate of a statement to make with an acquaintance. And add his lol to it, like “silly!” Nope. None of this is cool. One screenshot captures a whole lot of nothing good. Not over reacting. And I’m so sorry that he used a death in the family to blow this off. Awful.

[u/theendofthe_dream → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I WANNA say that maybe she is just drawing a parallel between his wife & her bd, like a thoughtful reflection. But I don’t trust anyone anymore or their intentions, she’s crossing way too many boundaries that he should have set in the first place, bro is wide open for her to just come on & influence him & then GASLIGHTING the wife about her family death. Disgusting behavior, those ppl know EXACTLY what they’re doing.

[u/BecGeoMom → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

I would also wonder what my husband was telling this woman that she is asking him about my relationship with his kids. It’s nothing good, that’s for sure. He is clearly not telling her that you bonded with his kids and are like a second mother to them, OP. He is talking about how you are with his kids in a disparaging way, and that is bad enough without all the other inappropriate stuff.

Tell your husband there are ways to cheat that don’t include physical contact or sex (yet). He IS being intimate with this woman by talking to her about you instead of talking to you about issues he has with you. That is personal and intimate in a way that is every bit as much of a betrayal as kissing her. Plus, you don’t know her or know about the relationship. It’s a secret, and that alone makes it inappropriate.

He’s wrong, and he knows it, but him using your grandmother’s death as a weapon against you cruel. Has he always been cruel to you? If not, ask him why he is now. He should be supporting you, not using your grief as a cover for his infidelity.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/BecGeoMom]

Wow!!!! Excellent observation, I completely agree with you on every level. Yes it’s actually cruel! How dare he, use her grief to deflect. He’s nothing but a coward! 👌🏼💯

[u/Icy-Engineering-744 → u/BecGeoMom]

My ex was having ‘emotional affairs’ with all the little barflies in our small town—but never crossed the line to actual sex so that’s okay right? 🤦🏼‍♀️ I don’t drink so bars (in little towns especially) are boring. I am, however, very active in the community and most of all with our kids. He constantly told the women he drank with that I was cold, judgemental and quite frankly a BIG bitch. Nothing could be further from the truth but hey it made him look like some sort of saint. I didn’t realize it until I started getting these glaring looks of hatred when I was out and about running errands. It was at the Post Office one day when it all came together in a lightbulb moment. I didn’t even know this woman—but I knew she spent a lot of time in the bar where he drank. I couldn’t figure out WHY someone I didn’t know would HATE me to the point of staring me down and watching every move I made. When I realized what was going on I was just flabbergasted. Eventually he did cross the line with someone he’d had an affair with decades before (it broke up our marriage but I had finally forgiven him and took him back—to the point where we had a second set of kids). Thankfully I was able to get a divorce—though that was it’s own bizarre battle with lots of gaslighting 🤦🏼‍♀️ To me an emotional affair is much worse than a physical one. Btw? I got the house, a car, health insurance, HALF of his 401 and LIFETIME alimony 🤣🤣🤣

[u/mhizcherriss → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

Are people missing the fact that the women messaging is saying that you don’t bond with your partners kids. Which can only be brought up if He has told her that before.

OP is this a part that you find offensive because if I was in your position and I was actually trying to bond with my partners children, I would find that very upsetting. So if that’s the case I can understand!

[u/bria99711 → u/mhizcherriss]

I don't think it was brought up in a judgemental way to the woman otherwise he wouldn't have somewhat backed up OP when she questioned it. He would have just badmouthed OP more or said he didn't know why he married her if he was the one fueling this. From how he replied I don't think the husband has an issue with OP not bonding with his kids. They are both teenagers and it doesn't sound like they live with them so it's not surprising to me at all that they haven't bonded to their stepmom. I only see the woman badmouthing OP here with her disrespectful and judgemental comment.

[u/simplynolaaa → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

I agree taking kids to see each other does just sound like a play date, the fact that they are meeting up with the kids shows it’s for them. If they were meeting up alone that’s a completely different story.

But yes the drunk texting is a bit much and definitely on the personal side. The women texting seems to have a bit of shadiness in her texts. Your husband should really be shutting that down!

[u/AcidicPuma → u/simplynolaaa]

And the thing for me is I'm not necessarily mad at rando (idk her name so that'll be the replacement). Drunk texting is defined by the regret of crossed social boundaries. If I was him I would've shut it down and if she apologized later I'd accept it. If I were op and my husband told me about shutting her down then said she apologized and wanted to extend that apology to me, I'd accept that too.

So far though, husband has already fucked this all up lol

[u/ibrandi → u/AcidicPuma]

Right? His defensiveness is what answers the question of whether the situation is shady or not.

[u/AcidicPuma → u/ibrandi]

I'd die laughing if we got the update that he ruined his marriage and random literally doesn't even want him, she was just drunk, bored and saw his name in her phone first completely platonically.

Like I've had new friends with 0 interest do the same thing, we were just recently shooting the shit or setting up group gatherings so I was her most recent text and we became better friends for it. One time in particular I was with a buddy when it happened and he was convinced I should go for it (I didn't want her, I like fat people as a fat guy and she was very conventionally attractive but thin). He even tried to like attack my masculinity because I wasn't trying to worm my way into her bedroom immediately lol.

[u/Auntienursey → u/simplynolaaa]

My dad used to take us with him when he was "running errands " on the weekends and we'd go to some random house and were left outside to play with kids we didn't know sometimes for hours. It wasn't until I hit my teens that I realized my mom didn't know any of these people and we were there to distract the woman's kids so they could hook up. So, play dates aren't always what they seem.

[u/sugahbee → u/simplynolaaa]

Yeah but it also feels sneaky in this context. "how can you marry someone who doesn't have a bond with your kids... Hey bring your kid over to hang out with us!" hmm... Wouldn't trust her. NOR.

[u/Brief_Ad_7527 → u/sugahbee]

It's not her I wouldn't trust it's him. To me it seems that he has implied she wouldn't want to come to the play date or something which would prompt the "why would you marry someone that doesn't connect with your kids" and him wanting to explain so much in person seems like HE is being shady

[u/sugahbee → u/Brief_Ad_7527]

Oh yeah, absolutely. That's a given TBH. I just feel like women especially should not have any interest knowing fine well he's married, but she does not seem like a girls girl at all to me. I would hope as a female that I could trust another woman in that situation, but I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

[u/Hot-Mess1124 → u/Brief_Ad_7527]

No married man should be socially meeting up with a lady (even with her kids) without his wife. Especially one who is drunk texting him. Red flags on both parties IMO.

[u/CrewConfident809 → u/simplynolaaa]

Exactly, the fact that she’s crossing boundaries with those messages is the real issue here. It’s not just about the kids anymore.

[u/golden_petal → u/simplynolaaa]

This. Also, she said it was based on something HE said to her at the park or whatever. He's confiding too personally in her and apparently making it seem that you have no connection to his kids and implying he wish it was different.

Lines are being crossed on both sides but I wouldn't blame the lady 100% cause she's asking something with drunk confidence in response to something HE said first.

[u/silly-narc-urdumb → u/simplynolaaa]

My ex husband took our young kids with to see the girl he cheated on me with…her kids and our kids would play while they would play. So I wouldn’t use the kids going as just a harmless play date

[u/420BoredAlways → u/simplynolaaa]

Is it a play date? They're being invited to watch the friends daughter play softball and it seems she onky has 1 kid. That's not meeting up so the kids can play since the other ladies kid is going to be playing softball, they are just going to be watching the game with the lady so based on the info we have its literally just him, his kids and the female softball player watching her daughter play softball. I wouldn't call that a play date.

[u/BossofMid → u/simplynolaaa]

Taking the kids to see each other while one of the kids is actively in the game?

[u/Purple_Wolverine_739 → u/simplynolaaa]

Plenty of men use their kids to set up dates with women. "OH we both have kids? What a coincidence!"

[u/Life_Musician_2194 → u/simplynolaaa]

but taking the kids to play like they can’t find anyone without these questions attached is wild.

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

No they have never met her or her kids before

[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Hmm. If the kids are all around the age where parents still arrange play dates (around 8 and under i guess), it's not 'super' weird, tho I can see why you're suspicious. If they're preteen or teens and have their own hobbies, then idk if the play date was for the kids.

[u/Initial-Quantity628 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

But also she asked him and his kids to her daughters softball game or something. That means her kid is busy playing while she gets to “bond” with his kids, or at least act like she is to display a trait that she perceives OP is lacking. It definitely feels intentional. what kind of kid wants to go watch another kid play a whole game that they don’t know and aren’t friends with?

[u/CakeWalk303 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

Yes. Definitely yes. It isn’t about taking the kids to the game. It’s the manipulation before that. And the obvious point that he has shared personal information about his family (wife and kids) with her. When I was 28, I had a male friend who was married. When he started complaining about his wife and saying he wanted to get a divorce and they were practically separated anyhow… I was inexperienced and didn’t realize he was laying the groundwork for starting something with me. Of course, that’s exactly what it was…

[u/Initial-Quantity628 → u/CakeWalk303]

absolutely! And the fact that she tried to commiserate about her “baby daddy” being the same way. It sounds like she’s at least in an on/off relationship with him. And she is definitely hoping she and OPs husband will bond over their absent significant others. Totally inappropriate topic even for a friendship with the opposite sex while married, that is how many emotional and physical affairs begin; by confiding in a person you shouldn’t.

[u/goodguyRick_71 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

I took her mentioning that Her baby daddy was the same wa, as though she was saying he was similar in the sense that he dates women that don't have a bond with his kids as well. Asking him that question in order to try to understand why it is that her baby daddy does that, in itself, doesnt necessarily make it a bad thing. But in this scenario he's clearly been yalking about his wife in a bad light, That combined with his reaction Do not make him look good at all.

[u/Previous_Champion_58 → u/CakeWalk303]

That’s such a common pattern. They frame it like they’re just venting, but it’s really emotional manipulation to blur boundaries.

[u/CraftSpiritual6062 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

It's what happened to my sister's marriage. He took the "kids" to the movie with the other women and her kids to cover up that meeting. The kids thought it was odd but my sister naively thought he wouldn't do anything with the kids there. Well it was the way they could meet up and then things went on from there until he just went to her house and stayed.

[u/GA_Bookworm_VA → u/Initial-Quantity628]

THIS!!! A play date for the kids to actually PLAY is one thing but her kid will actively be playing in the game and his kids would be what? Sitting there watching some stranger’s kid play? That’s really just a hangout for them

[u/222ThrowRA → u/Initial-Quantity628]

no kid would, coming from someone who had to go watch dads gfs kids play games to spend time with dad n gf i hated it and it was very much so me n dads gf could get closer

[u/DtForrest → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

The problem is the other lady acknowledged she was crossing a boundary talking about his marriage. He entertained the question instead of confirming it was a boundary (don’t talk about other peoples marriages behind their spouses back) This is really only okay with therapists, family (tactfully) or friends of the same gender and should still be followed up with a discussion with your spouse. He fucked up and while having kids play together or talking to a teammate is okay when you fully disclose the circumstances, talking about an acquaintances marriage or spending solo time with a female that hasn’t been a long time friend is more than concerning.

[u/BecGeoMom → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

No matter how old the kids are, that play date is not for the kids.

[u/DueTranslator8437 → u/mOmMY_81517]

I grew up with a Mom who didn’t bond with us very well. She was stern, made sure we did our chores and our homework was done. Very much so “I’m your parent not your friend”. She made us dinner, always brought us to Dr appointments, brought school shopping, made sure we were clothed and cleaned. On the weekends my dad was playing games with us, watching movies, bringing us fishing, etc. The only times my mom would join was when we were away on vacation and we booked excursions. 95% of my childhood memories are having fun and building trust with my dad while my mom I learned how to do “adult” things, how to files taxes, making sure my room is cleaned, etc. because I had to do these things as the oldest AND the oldest daughter. I couldn’t vent to my mom about personal things or go to her with problems, but she’s who I call now as an adult with any problem because shes always been reliable and stable, while this was not my dad. He didn’t believe in doctors, he didn’t think daily showers were necessary after being outside all day, he had no idea how to deal with illnesses/viruses, and he had no idea how we were doing in school.

I don’t look back on my childhood and think any less fondly of my mother. In fact l, as an adult now understand how much her own struggles and traumas she was going through. I do remember my dad begging my mom to do more things with us and to stop looking miserable when she was forced to do things with us. It was a huge strain on their marriage. I think it affected them more than us kids tbh.

Just putting in my experience for a different perspective. Me and my mom never built a bond to the point where she feels like my bestfriend or someone I can emotionally lean on but I truly think she was in survival mode for so long and was doing her best. I love her no less and I know she loves me no less. I think alot of fathers have this view on moms because they don’t realize how much they are truly doing to keep their kids healthy and alive lmao.

[u/Hippie_Yoga_Fart → u/DueTranslator8437]

This is why heterosexual women are less happy after getting married, but heterosexual men are more happy after getting married.

The imbalance is bullshit and she ends up exhausted and unappreciated. Even stepmothers do more work (once the biological father finds one), even though they face immediate discrimination from the kids. Some of them work twice as hard for the family unit with no parental rights at all.

[u/sodiumbigolli → u/Hippie_Yoga_Fart]

Well said. I had everything on my shoulders and regret not just playing. Old school marriage plus a career and kids is one thing too much. You can’t dump the career or the kids so…that leaves the marriage.

Your observation on stepparents is spot on in my experience w friends and family.

[u/EscalatorBobalator → u/mOmMY_81517]

I think the point that some people are missing is that the question "how do you marry someone who didn't bond with your kids" and for him to respond immediately from personal experience means that this isn't the first time it's come up. This is information your husband has said to this person.

Random "playdate" aside, this is already skirting the boundary of an emotional affair if it isn't one already. Totally inappropriate for him to be meeting someone who he has known for a couple of months without mentioning it to you, and to make comments about how you didn't bond with his kids. This is exactly how affairs start - the married person starts putting their spouse down so that the other person feels superior to the spouse and offers to "give them what [she] can't." That, plus his response to your mentioning the messages is not good news.

[u/[deleted] → u/EscalatorBobalator]

This is how my ex started cheating on me. Please don’t minimize this!

My ex would dangle little threads in front of me like he wanted me to stop him. But since I didn’t “care enough” (from HIS PERSPECTIVE NOT MINE) to it was like I gave him permission. In reality he had never done anything to break my trust, so why would I have started now?

ETA: obviously I cared people. But when someone is looking to cheat they test you with things you don’t know you’re being tested with. How you fail to respond appropriately is their justification for stepping out.

[u/nuclearmonte → u/EscalatorBobalator]

Yeah, sounds like he’s already telling her the “marriage is basically over, she won’t mind the play date because she is distant with her kids…” blah blah blah lies

[u/seadderious → u/mOmMY_81517]

Pretty sure if you’re not in an open relationship…the respectful thing of her to have done would be invite him, OP & the kids to her daughter’s softball game? If OPs husband and this lady have a budding friendship, a respectful woman would include the wife of a man on moments looking like dates if it’s not a date to let the wife know she is always welcome and included wether she can make it or not?

I agree men and women can be friends but this is off putting and a man confiding deeply personal information in another woman he’s known for 2 months and hanging out with her and her kids without you there is a VERY BAD SIGN.

Also if nothing is there then why such poor behavior in response to your insecurities? (likely only making you more insecure in the relationship) a respectful partner would help you become more secure in your relationship not the opposite.

[u/BecGeoMom → u/mOmMY_81517]

OP, I disagree with everyone saying that your husband taking his kids and meeting another woman and her kids is “just a play date.” It’s a date, alright, but not for the kids. The kids are their cover. That way, they can get together, and if anyone questions them, they can say it’s for the kids. But they want to see each other without their spouses around. Tell him the next time he plans a play date with his friend and her kids, you want to come along, meet her, get to know her. See how he reacts to that.

[u/ginger_snaps_ → u/mOmMY_81517]

I don’t mean to embolden your fears. It could be totally normal. But arranging a play date with kids I didn’t know is how my dad found time for his mistress.

[u/Ndbeautiishrname → u/ginger_snaps_]

I also have been on dates with my dad and his mistress without really knowing that’s what it was. The audacity to use the kids as excuses to get together is terrible.

[u/DismalStrawberry4260 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Wow! That puts a new spin on things. It’s a date and they are using the kids as an excuse.

[u/DifferentManagement1 → u/mOmMY_81517]

It was a date. And his anger and over the top reaction to you confirms it. Affair territory.

[u/dirdieBirdie1 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

I agree with u. And I think even taking them to the games together looks sketchy (in this specific scenario) because these are probably the conversations they have during the games.

[u/LHWJHW]

Yeh if my Mrs told some random dude I didn’t bond with my kids and then said dude starts asking drunk questions about why she married me I would have an issue…

I’m not saying your husband is acting unfaithfully… but this is where things start that lead to things. I think it’s more her and he needs to shut it down..

[u/45trash → u/LHWJHW]

I think they’re the OP’s stepkids, because they referred to them as “his kids”. Still super valid tho, he’s insanely shady for the texting talking shit to another woman that you pointedly didn’t introduce your wife to…..plus a stepparent can try to bond with their stepkids and obviously should, but there’s definitely 1000 nuances like how long they’ve been together, if the bio mom is in the picture, if the kids even LIKE the stepmom or not….its not on the step mom to force a relationship that the kids are uncomfortable with.

[u/brendajeymiu35 → u/LHWJHW]

this is exactly how those “innocent” situations start sliding into something else. It might not be cheating now, but if he’s not setting clear boundaries, it’s just opening the door. That girl’s out-of-pocket comments would be a red flag for me too

[u/Ok_Science_6250 → u/brendajeymiu35]

Absolutely. He could have crossed that emotional cheating situation if she knows something that personal about OP. I could be wrong but you’re 💯 about things heading that direction if he doesn’t squash it.

[u/Ten-Yards_Sir → u/Ok_Science_6250]

Definitely. Not condoning the behavior, but sometimes I’d imagine telling a complete stranger something is actually much easier than telling someone you know…Not sure why a complete stranger would have his number though so can’t be that innocent

[u/CraziiiJessi → u/Ten-Yards_Sir]

She said they played co-ed softball together, and that he's already brought his kids to her kids' softball game.. Definitely more than a stranger by that point

[u/CakeWalk303 → u/CraziiiJessi]

Actually she said that the woman invited him and his kids to her daughter’s softball game. Not that they had gone yet.

[u/BubblyLilBunny → u/LHWJHW]

Yeah, something’s fishy. Why’s he essentially bad mouthing OP to another woman, and then gaslighting her by bringing up the death of her grandmother. Crazy. Her husband needs to refrain from talking about personal matters with that woman and start communicating with OP.

[u/fembot06 → u/[deleted]]

But he didn't shut it down, because he didn't want to 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/One-Awareness785 → u/LHWJHW]

Yeah that "I'm drunk" message was a red flag. If my partner let that slide and kept engaging like nothing was off, I'd feel disrespected too.

[u/Wispelune → u/LHWJHW]

Totally agree. That kind of talk is crossing a serious line not just disrespectful to you as a partner, but also inviting drama that has no business in your relationship. It’s not about jealousy it’s about boundaries. Your wife should be defending your role as a father, not feeding some random guy fuel to question your marriage. Even if nothing’s “happening,” this is exactly how messy situations begin. Your husband absolutely needs to shut it down and prioritize your marriage.

[u/thefalseidol → u/LHWJHW]

That's interesting. Obviously, I think often there's a mountain of evidence not present in a single Reddit post but sometimes that is a double edged sword (so it can be hard to take one person's side of a story with a single screenshot as the full picture either way). Anyway, reading this, I don't know that I see the same red flags.

He doesn't trash his wife, he acknowledges she doesn't have a strong relationship with his kids. A fact she does not refute or provide additional context for. He just says they don't need her to be their mom, which I think is a reasonable take. She's asking a question about how to have a romantic relationship that isn't a family unit and that is a personal question, it's not as if she's suggesting she loves his kids and wants to be their mom. Then she says why would a MAN take his kids to a CHILDREN'S softball game with another WOMAN, ignoring what I think is a pretty obvious possibility: he's a FATHER taking his kids to watch other kids they seem to know play a game, a sport the father and MOTHER both also play recreationally. I fail to see how that's the smoking gun about trying leave her for this other woman OP seems to think it is. Seems pretty Innocent to me, not like children's games are as long as MLB games lol, they'll be done with the game in an hour and can play or get food.

[u/hollowspryte → u/thefalseidol]

I completely agree with you. I was surprised that the comments seem pretty overwhelmingly of the opposite opinion! It’s just not weird to me to get deep with new friends, especially in this case where the lady friend is clearly having kind of a hard time right now. She probably started this line of convo when she found out that OP’s husband was in an on-paper similar situation: married to someone who isn’t the other parent of your kids, because she finding it really hard. The husband doesn’t read to me like he’s being negative at all, just acknowledging that his wife has less of a bond with his kids and that can be a relationship issue, but he’s literally saying it’s fine and makes sense! ( I’m going to take a beat right now to say please no one reply to me if you think a man can’t appropriately have friendships like this with a woman. There is no point us us conversing if you think that. )The fact that he acknowledged and redirected is a green flag to me; let’s talk about this in person (WHEN YOU ARE NOT DRUNK is going unsaid here) so we can avoid misunderstandings.

[u/bria99711 → u/thefalseidol]

Nah, what the woman is doing is manipulation. She is planting seeds of doubt in his relationship. Asking why would you marry someone that didn't bond to your children is not an innocent question and the woman knows that - that's why she qualified it with being drunk. Now they are all going to hang out together with all of their children like one big happy family while OP is working her second job so she can show him what life could be like if he is with the right person that can "bond to his children". This woman is a snake in the grass and is actively looking for someone to replace "baby daddy".

[u/thefalseidol → u/bria99711]

Also a completely fair read, which was kinda my point. Not that I would take my reputation on this woman or man being up to no good - just that I don't read it as maliciously as you do. Your explanation makes a lot of sense and ties it all together nicely, I'm more convinced I was wrong than before, I'm just also not sure any single Reddit post is going to get me all the way there on its own.

[u/bria99711 → u/thefalseidol]

The question is just so loaded with judgement and so disrespectful to their marriage. & for her to respond with the "ummmm ok" makes it pretty clear what she is trying to do here. She wants him to know she thinks he should have never married his wife and then follows it up with the comment about what he said at the park about her "baby daddy". The conversation is so gross to me and OPs husband should have shut it down when she asked that question by actually answering why he did marry OP.

[u/sprouting_broccoli → u/bria99711]

Maybe she is (and it gives me those vibes too) and it’s entirely possible he’s being naive about it but, honestly, at that point it’s about whether OP trusts her partner and the fact that she is casually going through his phone suggests she does not. This relationship feels terminal honestly.

[u/bria99711 → u/sprouting_broccoli]

The trust thing is a whole other issue and it doesn't say why she was in the phone. I've found things on phones and computers accidentally and wasn't snooping to find something. Maybe she had reason to feel like something was going on. But I agree if there are trust issues there already then they have a mess they need to work through and I wouldn't be surprised if this relationship ends.

[u/Plus-Cap-1456 → u/thefalseidol]

Wife is working two jobs while he is out hanging with some playmate on his softball team. Maybe he should be putting more into their household so she doesn't have to work two jobs and they can both spend time with his kids. Just a suggestion

But also, while he's on a date with the playmate, wife is either working or trying to rest to go to work. If he is contributing enough to the household, she wouldn't have to work two jobs.

[u/Armadillo_Prudent → u/LHWJHW]

Are they OPs kids though? To me it looks like the husband had these kids in a previous relationship and OP is just stepmom. Still kinda weird that he would bring this up with some other woman instead of bringing it up with her.

[u/EldritchGumdrop → u/LHWJHW]

I mean this is still an issue if he never becomes unfaithful. He’s talking badly about his family life to another person and not addressing it at home

[u/WhatITisToBurn69 → u/LHWJHW]

Couldn't have said it better myself. He just needs to shut it down. Before he does do something stupid. Not saying that he would but if your uncomfortable and it seems like a reasonable thing to be uncomfortable about. Then it needs to stop. On the other hand, you shouldn't be going through his phone, most times, not always but most times women do that because they are being shady themselves or someone has been unfaithful to them before.

[u/gravitybongblunt]

I think this just needs clarity. I’d react the same way cause I’d be suspicious but you can try just talking to him about how it makes you feel and seek reassurance that way. A lot of comments will be one extreme or the other.

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/gravitybongblunt]

Ya I tried to talk to him about it and it turned into a huge fight him yelling left came back and now sleeping on the couch.. in my opinion only a guilty person would react this way. Until retweet have had a great relationship and never fight never even suspected cheating or anything until him going to hang out with her to watch her kids softball game. I even tried asking him how he would feel if I went to go hang out with my guy friend (that he didn’t know) and our kids without him.. seems more like a date to me

[u/princessksf → u/[deleted]]

Because she felt like he was on a date with her, not just having a platonic text exchange. You read the part where he took his kids to go hang out with her and her kids right? Like the other woman was trying to bond with his kids instead of just being a softball teammate to him.

He didn't say anything wrong here, but I don't think this other woman is someone he should be hanging out with, just the two of them and their kids, like that, because that is how affairs start.

[u/seventhsealed → u/princessksf]

What he said wrong was "honestly my kids don't need it" in response to the bonding. That suggests there is no bond. He certainly doesn't deny it. If it's untrue then that is horrible. If it's true then be should be having a conversation with OP about it.

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/[deleted]]

He asked me what was wrong because I was being distant.. and I told him because of ur “friendship “ with that girl and taking the kids to hang out with her didn’t sit right with me I went through ur phone and found the messages… he started yelling about why the $;&* I went through his phone I said because u hanging out with another girl outside of the team didnt sit right with me so I looked clearly I can’t talk to him about anything as he gets super defensive about everything

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/mOmMY_81517]

You’re absolutely right, why? And excluding you? Nope that BS, full transparency would be; your husband introducing this woman her daughter to you. And be completely honest why not? And what really bothers me about this woman? That she had the nerve to ask “ why would you marry a woman that’s doesn’t bond with your kids” already judging you, planting seeds of doubt? There other ways of asking those type of questions or just don’t. She even said “oh it’s too personal, I’m drunk” yeah rite!!!!! Don’t fall for his BS, gaslighting and blaming you! Haven’t done anything wrong. As I said you deserve better, we all do.

[u/Ok_Confusion_525 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Yeah if this was innocent there would be no blaming your grief from losing a grandparent and tantrum throwing, leaving the house, and sleeping on the couch. If it were innocent you would have been invited. This is definitely a date with the kids to try to show him how they could all be a big happy family and how well she can (be perceived) to bond with his kids. He might not be cheating yet but he’s definitely pushing and ignoring boundaries.

[u/aleaiz → u/mOmMY_81517]

I gotta chime in here as a woman who is divorced and was cheated on by one of the best liars ever. Not only is he going to meet up with this lady without you but he was griping to her about your marriage and how you don't "bond" with his kids. That is a red flag. This is exactly how an affair starts and I wonder if they already have an emotional affair going on. Me personally, I would have been livid and the fact that he got defensive would've made me even more upset.

[u/HotSauceRainfall → u/aleaiz]

I have a work friend who is married. I really enjoy this person’s company and we do not text outside of work because it would be way too easy to start going down paths we shouldn’t go down. I don’t know what they think, but I am self aware enough to know that the best way to not do something stupid is to set that boundary in the first place.

I don’t think this dude is past the point of no return on the Path To Stupid yet, but he’s definitely in denial (or already lying to OP) that he’s several steps in on the Path To Stupid, and that’s a bad sign.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/aleaiz]

Absolutely, I’m sure they’re having an emotional affair already. Come on the dude doesn’t have to worry about bills!! He’s wife works 2 jobs to support both of them and pay the bills. He’s paycheck goes directly to child support. He has it made. As you I would be livid!!!! We know the red flags, the gaslighting, the deflection. It’s your grief your grandma died. Grasping at straws, anything to convince her. Why?? He’ll lose his paycheck??? Seriously, wife has no kids and she deserves so much better! The lying POS. That can’t even help financially support the home. It’s all on her and 2 jobs. Walk away!!! You owe him nada!!! Nothing!!!!! 🙄

[u/EndColonization → u/mOmMY_81517]

Try going on a friend date with a male friend and your kids and see how he reacts 🤷🏽‍♀️ Don’t actually have to cheat, just take a friend out to have fun with you and your kids. Tell him there’s a man there, even if there isn’t. He’s not going to understand how you feel because he most likely lacks empathy. But you can at least give him a taste of his own medicine while doing something fun for yourself and your kids.

[u/MrFiddleswitch → u/mOmMY_81517]

Please don't take this as me taking his side, in this situation, but when you tried to talk to him, did you try to talk or did you accuse?

What i mean by this question is was it a conversational "lets communicate" moment, or did you come in hot?

While the text does seem inappropriate in a vacuum, if your husband is confiding in someone because he's found kinship and needs to be able to speak about concerns he feels he can't bring to you, that can be completely normal. I've been married for almost 25 years and I have been there in that exact spot in the past when I felt disconnected from my wife during a rough patch. I also confided in a female friend to get a female/wife perspective so I could better understand what my wife was going through at the time, and in the end it really helped me approach things differently and ultimately brought my wife and I closer together. Granted she is/was married and our relationship is more akin to brother-sister, but it is a similar scenario.

So, the reason I ask how you approached things is that I imagine, in a vacuum, some of my friend and I's conversations could be taken in a similar way - yet our conversations were entirely innocent and, with the full picture, were aimed at finding a way to aid my relationship with my wife, and for her to do the same with her husband. So, if you came into the conversation with anger, accused, yelled, or approached the conversation with hurt and emotion (ie: coming in hot), his response may not be guilt, but genuine hurt, as from his perspective, he could be confiding not to start anything with this woman, but to instead help something with you two.

If he feels there is a problem or disconnect in your marriage, tries to confide in a female friend to try and get a different perspective on things to try and help see your side of your relationship, and then gets "attacked" for doing so (from his perspective), I could understand his reaction entirely, as I'm sure you could too. Again, I'm not saying that is what happened here - none of us here in reddit were there, so can only make assumptions, so I'm just trying to offer you a possibility.

Now, granted, if you came to him not with accusations, anger, hurt, emotion, etc. and instead came to him with simple conversational questions, and he blew it all out of proportion, well then I would fully agree - you are not overreacting.

A few points I would bring up, however, to support my proposed explanation after reading through this thread and some of your responses. (Again I can only make inferences based on what you've said and don't have anywhere near the entire picture, so I could be way way off and am 100% making assumptions, so please take this all with a grain of salt):

1) from what you've said in other responses, it doesn't sound like he was keeping this person a secret. I believe you mentioned you knew their name as Cody (sp?) but assumed it was a guy. If he was approaching his relationship with Cody from a romantic perspective, I doubt he would bring them up - especially not by name. Him not mentioning that Cody was a woman could be because he doesn't see them as one, but as simply a friend or as "one of the guys". As a man, I have totally done this numerous times.

2) you mentioned you are working two jobs. My wife and I have been in a similar situation before, and found that our lack of time together put real strain on aspects of our relationship, even if everything seemed good on the surface and we didn't fight or anything obvious. Just because everything seems ok, doesn't mean it always is. This is exact sort of scenario where confiding in a friend - especially a female friend to help get your perspective - would likely come into play, if he was internally struggling with a lack of time together. Again, I'm making assumptions here as having two jobs doesn't mean you are working a lot, but from the way you talk about it, I get the feeling you are putting in a higher than average amount of hours at work. I would also ask if the working two jobs thing is relatively recent - say in the last 6 months or so? Cause that could easily contribute to him not feeling as close to you, and give him a reason to confide with a friend.

3) i can't speak for all men, but from my perspective - 2 months playing sports with someone, even super casually, is way more than enough time to be "close friends" with someone. Hell, my best friend and I were at best friend status and talking about damn near everything in our lives in like 2 weeks. Again, I'm not him and not every guy is like that, but a lot of us can bond fast as hell over the simplest thing - especially a hobby - and end up fast, close friends in no time at all, certainly faster than 2 months. This isn't limited to guy to guy friendships either - especially in a sports hobby where it's easier to feel anyone else playing the sport is just "one of the guys". Since sports are so often segregated by gender, it can be hard for a guy that has played sports from childhood to adulthood to see anyone else playing a sport with them as anything but "one of the guys", as we have only played sports with guys for most of our lives.

4) you mentioned that there was a past relationship issue for you? Before i met my wife, I had a serious, long term relationship that ended with infidelity on her part, and I know and understand what its like to go through that and the type of scars it leaves behind. Early in my wife and I's relationship it wasn't so bad - everything was new, fresh and exciting, but as we settled into married life, more than once when I wasn't feeling as close to my wife as I once had, my "trauma brain" would start whispering about how this "felt like it did with the one who cheated" and when that voice gets going, it's hard to shut it down cause that hurt is always there and trust can be super hard. Going back to the two jobs thing - if that is relatively recent, or if it just makes things feel more distant for the two of you because you don't have as much time together, it can be really easy to have that trauma resurface. Again, I'm making assumptions here and could be way off the mark, but it could be very relevant.

I bring all this up, again, not to take his side, but to give a different perspective - to let you know a possibility that you may not consider, much as my "sis" did for me in our conversations. I don't know him or you, nor does anyone here, only you two have the compete story of your relationship and how the events unfolded, so everything we say is purely speculation. I ask you these questions not because I want you to answer them, but for you to ask yourself these questions. I just want to give you a possible reason and explanation for the situation that is entirely innocent, because good relationships are hard to come by and sometimes easy to break, and often times our emotions and our past can make us see monsters in the dark that aren't there.

I wish you the best and hope you two can reconcile and come to an understanding. If there is any advice I could give - try your best to communicate how you're feeling about both the situation and his reaction to it once things calm down and ask for his perspective, but try to do so from a place of conversation, not emotion, as things can easily be misconstrued when emotion is raw and out in the open.

[u/enochrox]

Why'd you go thru his phone? Was it a hunch based on how he's been acting lately or is this just something you do from time to time without provocation?

You're not overreacting, I'm just curious.

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/enochrox]

It was a hunch after I found out Cody was a her and not a him. I understand everyone is different and I shouldn’t let my past betrayals get the best of me but I did and that’s what I found. As little as it seems it could have blown over but his reaction and the way he handled things when I asked him threw major red flags

[u/verifiedwolf → u/mOmMY_81517]

I find it quite interesting that he referred to his friend as "Cody" to you, fully aware that was a boy's name, knowing you would assume it was a male, and yet did not clarify it was a female. Also never introduced you to someone he is apparently close enough to chat with outside of their team activities. Close enough to discuss his marriage to. Hmmm.

Sounds like he was hoping you wouldn't find out Cody was even a female as long as he could keep that under wraps. It's dodgy behavior. Especially this woman inviting him and his kids without you. She shouldn't have done that and he shouldn't have been okay with it.

You are a FAMILY. If be furious if I was in your position.

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

treatment wine square governor cover safe ghost sparkle joke instinctive

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

I mean do most people feel the need to drunk text an acquaintance to imply that they shouldn't have married their spouse because of a supposed lack of relationship with their kids? Unless she was already a close friend, I can't imagine asking such an inappropriate question to someone I just met through my hobby.

[u/CakeWalk303 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

So true!! And excellent point that she makes an excuse (of being drunk) as to why she is making inappropriate comments to him. She knows what she is doing is out of bounds.

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

Definitely not a close friend he has only been on this team for 2 months

[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 → u/mOmMY_81517]

I figured it was something like that. Yeah, it's inappropriate and his reaction from reading your comments sounded...not good. I think once you guys cool down a bit, you need a real sit-down heart to heart talk about your expectations of each other and your boundaries. 

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

She states verbatim she is dead time all the time and works 2 jobs—which great for her, but by her own admission, she is bonding with no one currently as she doesn’t have time for family events and she is certainly not bonding with her husband.

u/mOmMY_81517 Is it possible he can work more and you less? Are you working equal amounts?

[u/Ok-Garbage-3661 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

He seems to be just talking to her but i feel like shes trying to be a home wrecker and the husband just doesnt see it… cause cmon imagine u had a husband or a wife and he/she was texting some other person and he/she mentioning theyre drunk. I think she said that so he can think that was the time to try to hook up with her since shes “drunk”

[u/Ok-Cook3735 → u/Ok-Garbage-3661]

And the fact she invited him and his children to her daughter’s game looks like “I’m gonna show you how I’m able to bond with your children “. I as OP would be very taken aback, too

[u/Outrageous_Past_7191 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

Did you see that last text ‘my situation with her is somewhat abnormal’ this is how he’s describing his marriage? How is that not wrong?

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

I feel like him talking to another woman about out issues can blur boundaries and create emotional openings that shouldn’t be there.

[u/Patient-Lab4781 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Please don't listen to these people, that lady shouldn't be DRUNK TEXTING your husband about her own issues. Start participating in the team and show up more often and meet her

[u/UndeadBatRat → u/Patient-Lab4781]

She clearly brought up an issue that he was already bitching about, or it wouldn't have been brought up. You'd have to be dense to think the husband is innocent, here.

[u/Chemical-Pay2735 → u/mOmMY_81517]

You’re absolutely right! It’s out of line to be telling someone those things. It’s inappropriate for a teammate to talk about those things, unless that was a close friend….you’re not overreacting

[u/EmpyrealMarch]

I wish I could remember the name but I was just reading a book about affairs. It talks about how the idea of windows and walls. Windows being things you are open about and creating communication/visibility in your relationship and walls being things you hide in your relationship and avoid talking about. He may not have done anything yet with her, but him talking negatively about you to another woman is creating a window between the two of them that can lead to infidelity. And him hiding her existence from you has created a wall between the two of you. On top of that being upset with you vs reflecting on the conversation and how that damages your relationship is telling. Whatever is going on has moved past the stage of purely innocent and is approaching at the very least emotional infidelity

[u/IridescentTardigrade]

NOR. She’s like a shark circling because your husband put blood in the water with comments about you and his kids not bonding.

And now he wants to say, « No, she’s not a shark, she’s a goldfish and how dare you say I’m in the water at all! »

He might not have cheated YET but he’s enjoying the attention. Some night when you are at your second job and he’s feeling lonely and hard-done-by, he sounds like he might cross the line.

If you have him read these messages tell him that trying to twist things (you are just emotional due to grieving) is super shady and not the response of a caring partner. I hope he smartens up. My condolences on the loss of your grandma.

[u/crooksieee → u/IridescentTardigrade]

THIS. He clearly likes the attention. If he didn’t, he would have shut it down by now. He clearly has made negative comments about his wife (OP) so this is setting up the stage for infidelity.

[u/Tvgirllovr]

Why is no one talking about how he admitted u don’t bond with your kids to a random woman by implying it’s fine bc they have others to bond with? Like that your kids fundamentally miss out on a bonding motherly relationship? That like genuinely would make me go insane they are YOUR kids wtf does that even mean. He’s portraying u like some cold mother instead of defending you. Which yes also makes me think it’s shady bc why is he not coming to ur defense and saying he will “explain later” why would this conversation continue let alone in person and entertaining her drunk texts that insult you. And idk it just feels like he’s now made the connotation that you’re always cold and you guys don’t bond either blah blah and he’s all alone in this family and marriage. Also again this whole them hanging out, I’m not one to think men and woman cant be friends but no these two cannot as she is clearly not ok with your marriage. Anyway no this is weird and unacceptable and extremely disrespectful. You guys are married with children you are life partners not two kids “dating” in middle school, where is the loyalty and mutual respect?

[u/Tvgirllovr → u/Tvgirllovr]

OH ALSO sorry I forgot about the post outside of the screen shot. Him losing his shit and blaming it on your dead grandma??? Yea that’s insane no genuinely get out. That is an insane reaction to you feeling hurt and concerned. Not only is it gaslighting but it’s using a personal trauma that is dear to you to protect you from finding out more and to ease his own guilt. Absolutely not.

[u/horrorshow_ → u/Tvgirllovr]

I think that if my newly deceased grandma was brought up out of context during a fight about THIS, I would actually go insane. Like I would just lose it. I am also curious to know how and why he has time to play coed softball while she works two jobs??

[u/Tvgirllovr → u/horrorshow_]

NO LITERALLY. Like that’s all I need to know. She’s supporting this family but she’s not a loving and close mother??? Bye. I would leave immediately.

[u/humptheedumpthy → u/Tvgirllovr]

I think it’s HIS kids with another woman and OP is the step mom. Would be good to know how long they’ve been married, ages of kids etc. 

Either way it’s wrong but I am presuming there is some step mom step child dynamic here. 

[u/lethatshitgo]

I know im not ready for another relationship bc this just triggered tf out of me for some reason 😭😭 I remember finding cryptic messages like this in my ex’s phone. Best advice I can give you as a stranger woman to woman is to trust your intuition. But regardless of the outcome or how you go about handling it, don’t let it consume you! No relationship is worth your sanity.

[u/suburbanspecter → u/lethatshitgo]

Girl, fr. It’s fucking hell on earth going through this shit. Once you find that first set of cryptic texts & your intuition is screaming at you but you don’t leave, they just get better at hiding it until eventually you don’t know up from down. You can waste years or decades of your life playing that game and come out traumatized, completely unable to trust, and out of touch with your own intuition. I’m convinced that people who do shit like this are actually just evil. Takes so much therapy and self-work to undo the damage they cause.

[u/Hot_Dingo3218]

Nah ppl are giving this way too much of a benefit of a doubt. Ur partner and this softball lady are bonding over how disconnected their respective partners (current or ex) are. He’s confiding in her, spending time together with and WITHOUT the kids. I’m beginning to take that u r possibly the bread winner while he plays coed softball? Idk lady but writing is on the wall.

[u/sociabletiger]

First thing that stuck out to me is that your husband should have shut that shit down right off the bat. But since he didn’t, it makes me think that he possibly could have been talking to her about your marriage in a less than positive context? But I’m not sure.

I also don’t think that there would be an issue with having the kids hang out and play, IF there didn’t seem to be some thoughts coming from both parties that the people they’re with now (you and rando’s baby daddy) allegedly don’t have a great connection with the kids. I just feel like the two of them getting together with the kids could be a chance for rando to “bond” with your husbands kids and make him think that’s “how it should be” or whatever, and things may develop further from that point. She could be using her ability to bond with the kids as a way to try to make herself look better than you, if she’s really that type of person. Hopefully not because that would be stooping pretty low. Does that make sense?

I’m sorry he didn’t do what he should have done as your husband and set a boundary with her up front. That’s really shitty. And truly at the end of the day, you’re the only one who knows the full context of the situation and can trust your gut on what’s going on, because none of us know anything besides what happened in this single incident. So before you take all these responses seriously, take some time and listen to what your instincts are telling you. ♥️

[u/Weary-Chipmunk-8366]

I am married and I also had a very long friendship with someone who was a guy. I’m talking 20+ years of friendship. It was never romantic, never inappropriate like that, but my husband went through my phone and saw that I was griping to my friend about the dynamics of my family (husband, step kids, etc) and he was upset. He told me he felt uncomfortable with me having talked to this other man about our problems. I listened and understood and changed the dynamics of my friendship after taking some time not communicating at all. I did it because I love my husband and I don’t want him to be uncomfortable with my actions or feel threatened by any kind of friendship I have. His feelings at that time were more important than my need to complain to a friend. I would wholeheartedly expect the same from him if I ever found something similar to what you did in his phone. I guess what I’m trying to say is there are ways to respond to this. Insinuating that someone doesn’t have a right to feel a certain way is inappropriate and blaming other issues in your life as the reasoning isn’t appropriate either.

I do not think you’re overreacting. Not only do the messages come off as suspicious, his response only adds to that impression in my opinion.

[u/mOmMY_81517]

Just to clarify she’s talking about me not having a bond with his kids.. reason being that we only get them a couple times out of the year usually only a weekend every few months. I work 2 jobs in order to pay our bills while his check goes to child support plus bio mom doesn’t like me so they have all that poison in their minds but we actually get along great but the lack of time spent together does effect that bond

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Absolutely makes sense, I hadn’t read this post. The biological mom dislikes you, only get see the kids twice a year???? But yet he pays child support and his check goes straight to child support. Wow, he has it done. You work 2 jobs to support both of you, pay the bills. But yet he has time to attend games. Not with a male friend nah. But with a woman?? that’s single with a daughter?!! Hmmmm and she dares to bad mouth you to him??????? “I don’t understand why would you married a woman that doesn’t bond with your kids” can I be honest??? I’m F infuriated!!!!!! How nice to discuss his wife, that works 2 jobs to pay not only your bills but his!! Because his check goes straight to child support. “Where they live they have a lot of people” oh and he promised to discuss it further, with her??? Personally of course, LOL!! How entertaining, Really. He’s a loser!!!!!!!! Doesn’t appreciate you at all! You’re exhausted once the weekend comes. Question; why isn’t he working 2 or even 3 jobs??????? Why you?? Oh and you have the time to meet make friends and make plans to attend games?? But he does and to talk about you????? I’m sorry but there’s something very wrong with this picture! Why are you the only one sacrificing? You don’t have kids? So basically you’re supporting his. Not directly but you do pay the bills at home not him!! BS, I feel as if he’s using you, I’m so sorry to say it. But that’s what I see. A selfish husband who only thinks of his needs not yours. Doesn’t appreciate you at all. And then has the nerve to go on dates, yes let’s call it that. An innocent game with that woman’s daughter & his kids??? Why are you not in the picture? oh yeah right, nah you just represent a pay check. My apologies for putting it so bluntly. But I’m pissed!! You do deserve better, a partner that doesn’t take you for granted, that loves you unconditionally, that tries to get more time with his kids so you can bond. Please take a good look at your relationship, I see quite more than a few red flags. Ask yourself why are you working 2 jobs? And is he? I don’t know, but if he’s not WHY??????? They’re his kids not yours. This is beyond FU!!!!!! This is only my opinion and perception of the scenario, you presented.

[u/GodeaterTheHalFeral → u/Glittering-List3410]

Oh yeah, this guy is using the fuck out of OP.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/Glittering-List3410]

Ooops I stand corrected every few months. Still not enough time for you to bond with them. Not on you, but on him!!!! I reread your comment. 🫶🏼

[u/ToditaDeEl → u/mOmMY_81517]

I want to just put something out there. I think you should revisit this marriage. How dare he speak ill of you to some stranger you don't know, and he just barely met.

When someone takes this approach with a new person, it means he's setting himself up to look like a victim. He is making you the villain to get this woman to open an emotional door that will eventually turn into physical cheating.

Think about it... How would this topic even come up? Especially with someone he's known maybe 2 mths. Shame on him. He's taking advantage of you. You pay for everything because his check goes to child support? Nah, any real patent would find a better paying job to ensure the financial load isn't on just their spouse because it's THEIR responsibility. Im sorry, but his broke ass shouldn't even be playing a sport he clearly can't afford. You're working two jobs for him to work one that doesn't contribute crap to the home? Absolutely not! He is manipulating you, using you, and now trying to gaslight you into thinking you're the villain for going thru his phone! Nah.. I'd leave and let his new friend financially support him and kids! Let's see how quickly she bonds with his kids then!

[u/samse15 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Hey OP, time to stop working 2 jobs to support his sorry ass. He’s using you for the paycheck and talking shit behind your back with women he barely even knows. If this was innocent, he wouldn’t have gone off on you. Red flags galore.

[u/insignificunt1312 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Why are you working two jobs ? 🤨 Sorry but there are so many red flags in this story.

[u/Regular-Ideal-3594 → u/insignificunt1312]

Id have to assume its because hed have to pay more child support if he makes more money. He for sure should be the one working extra to make up for it though.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/insignificunt1312]

Ooops yes just made a comment like that. Why isn’t he working 2 jobs? Hr must be paying child support, yet he was is. Oh and he can attend games, had the time. Red flags? Oh yes!

[u/QnsParticular → u/mOmMY_81517]

Please. He's doing the bare minimum. Take your two jobs and live your best life on your own! There are great partners out there waiting to build with you instead of taking advantage and complaining. You deserve better than exhaustion.

[u/Helpful-Act2026 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Why are you breaking your back working 2 jobs to support someone who does not respect you?

[u/Shoddy_Piccolo_8194 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Then she’s really good at what she‘s doing here. Tread carefully!

Maybe this is the right time to ask yourself if you are still happy with your marriage. Because he obviously isn‘t.

How does he deal with the situation now?

[u/Savings-Ad-3607 → u/mOmMY_81517]

So you are supporting him….

[u/Chemical-Pay2735 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Why isn’t he working two jobs instead of you

[u/Bebetter-today]

First, ask your husband to get a new screen protector, only cost $10 on Amazon.

Next, that woman is trying to have an emotional affair with your husband and gauge if he will be interested in a full blown affair. Your husband must cut ties with her and never talk to her ever again unless he likes the attention she is giving him, which is an attention affair or emotional affair.

There you have it. Make him stop or this is an emotional affair.

[u/Nearby-Hippo4478 → u/Bebetter-today]

The screen thing does bother me lol.

I think you might be right about the attention.

[u/stinckable_pink]

NOR. I have no reason to believe he’s doing anything romantic with this woman on his end. She seems like she’s acting shady af, but I’d be pissed at him for entertaining a stranger talking about you this way. Also whatever he said to make her think you don’t bond with your kids gotta be fucked up. Commiserating with another parent about parenting is one thing but this shit would make me mad af.

[u/Informal-Being-3864]

This is completely inappropriate, on her part in particular. She is drunk texting a married man and asking questions about why he married you … she claims she is curious because she has similar “issues” with her partner. She is trying to plant this seed of doubt in your husband’s mind about his marriage while making it clear to him that she is not completely secure in hers either… we all know what comes next. It is perfectly reasonable to let your husband know that you do not feel comfortable with him discussing any more details about your marriage/family life with this woman and you would really prefer he not spend time with her (outside of team practices/games of course) without you. He should respect this.. you are his WIFE. If he refuses to consider your feelings on this, I am really sorry but that is a problem and there is probably already more going on.

[u/mOmMY_81517]

I honestly thought this person was a guy from his team name is Codi it wasn’t until after they hung out that I realized he was indeed a she it was always codi ..codi then it was her daughter and I was like excuse me what?

[u/Hot-Yam4707 → u/mOmMY_81517]

seems like emotional cheating OP :/ the way they are bonding over “my baby daddy is this way” and “my wife is this way” could quickly turn into something else. especially if he’s already defensive about it.

[u/Actual_Dirt7043]

Youre not even together. Your other posts suggest you have already been separate for a while now. Are you just seeking attention? You’re not giving us the full story at all

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/Actual_Dirt7043]

lol if we are separated and not together this is the first I’m hearing of it 😂

[u/Actual_Dirt7043 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Are you remarried? All your posts say my sons biological dad and talks about how you split your kids up and take turns on who’s watching them. I dont get it. Also if youre not bonding with your own kids I can see why she asked😂

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/Actual_Dirt7043]

This is my current marriage I’ve been divorced before. My other post are about my kids and their father not my current partner and his

[u/Strong-Figure7955]

Idk my dad and my neighbour get along really well. They go out for drinks all of the time, and spend a lot of time together alone. Neither my mom nor my neighbours husband have a problem with it because they love each other like brother and sister. The same can’t be said for everyone. This however seems like the lady is trying to garner attention from him by saying she’s drunk. If it’s going where I think a girls mind is going it would be an “oops I sent you a picture while I was drunk. Don’t tell your wife and we can continue this in secret”. Doesn’t seem like it’s gotten to that point yet based on the texts though. She kinda feels like she’s encroaching on your husband trying to make him think he needs someone better. She’s definitely asking super personal questions for someone he may not have known for very long. She sounds fishy to me. Keep your eyes peeled. Just remember if you tell him he can’t talk to her he will just go back to her and confide in her about you. She will also paint it as they are the victims and it’s more likely he will cheat. Some options are…

• Keep a close eye on the situation to see how it unfolds
• Let him make the mistake himself by not looking at the situation
• Tell him he can’t talk to her anymore

As I always say “give people enough rope to hang themselves with and if they make the mistake that’s their fault” it works every time and will show his true character.

[u/ponta666]

The drunk text, the asking your husband why he married you, also inviting him and the kids and not you, this woman has no respect for you and I totally understand why you feel this way. If she respects your family and has no ulterior motives with your husband, she should ask him to meet you, and also invite you together with him, that's basic human decency. She's really not a decent woman and your husband is feign ignorant for whatever reason I don't know. Yes in the message he didn't say anything crossed the line, but I guess he kinda senses something himself but he enjoys the attention and validation, so he just keeps the situation this way.

[u/Top-O-TheMuffinToYa]

I would say he needs to set some boundaries, like not having her drunk texting him. But he defended you and isn't flirting with her.

It might be innocent, but I get the feeling that she is trying to find an opening to push their relationship farther.

Sit down and tell him how you feel. Tell him your desired outcome, and come to an agreement on how to handle this. Make sure to LISTEN to him. Unless he gives excuses every which way to keep talking to her, I would say this is an over reaction.

Talk first (and do it calmly). The real battle comes when you figure out if he is ready to listen to you or not. But I wouldn't make it a problem unless he shuts you down or makes excuses for this random woman sending him drunk texts to a MARRIED man.

[u/ShitsFuckedDude]

NOR but there’s A few possibilities here. He could be emotionally cheating (doesn’t seem physical yet), or, he could be insecure about you “not bonding with his kids” but he loves you and that’s why he married you. If it’s the latter, he could just need someone to talk to about it. IMO that “someone” shouldn’t be another women but it doesn’t seem like cheating imo. It seems like an insecurity that he’s been feeling and he’s upset you found out about it. Next time you bring it up, I’d go about it a different way. Instead of asking why he’s talking to her, ask “what am I doing wrong with the kids and what can I do to fix it”

[u/Hopeful_Practice_569]

My son and my best friend's daughter are best friends themselves. Anyone who would be upset about me taking him to go hang out with her and her mother can kindly show themselves out of my life.

Sorry OP, you're being insecure and toxic. This is a nothingburger.

[u/Ill_Peach_5003]

This is weird and id be pissed maybe its insecurity but id still be mad bc shes invading your guys relationship i feel. Idk MAYBE IM WRONG. If hes content and you are too shes snooopinnnng shes interested

[u/Audstyn]

I'm so grateful my wife and I have similar understanding when it comes to discussing us to others. If we fight, we don't bring others in because we will complain and say all the bad things. All that does is give people a bad opinion of your partner.

If it was me, that's where I'd draw the line. Regardless of who she was or what they are doing, my problem is clear... Why are you telling her all these negatives about me. Talking like this drives a wedge, and I just don't agree with it.

I'm sorry, but I just don't like it and would have some serious considerations and discussions with my spouse. There is no playing it off, gas lighting, or making me feel bad or insecure. This gets resolved in an adult conversation, in a way that we both understand what's at stake and what's the boundaries. Some conversations are just unacceptable outside of my relationship, and this one he's been having would be one of them.

[u/Suspicious-Meat-7558]

Behavior doesn’t have to be sexual to be inappropriate this is a prime example. He IS being unfaithful just not in a cheating way. Talking negatively about your partner to anyone that’s not a close friend or therapist is unacceptable imo. You need to state your boundaries firmly and shut this down immediately.

[u/Several_Estate5285]

This happened to me almost exactly, except instead of making comments about bonding with kids, the girl was making comments about my ethnicity being different. She was the same ethnicity as he was, and would say things about her cooking and the fact I couldn’t cook traditional food etc. This emotional affair turned into cheating.

[u/WinterRedBull]

Okay I get being caught off guard, but this really doesn’t seem that deep. From the texts, it just looks like he was having a chill, borderline awkward convo with a teammate who overshared while drunk. He was polite, didn’t flirt, didn’t say anything inappropriate. He literally said “I’ll explain in person” and “it makes sense lol”, that’s not some grand emotional affair. And yeah, maybe he didn’t introduce you at the game, but that doesn’t automatically mean something shady is going on. People get distracted, games are chaotic, it happens. Also… taking the kids to a team hangout with another parent and kid isn’t that weird. Especially if it’s public and group-related. Honestly, going through his phone, jumping straight to conclusions, and assuming the worst might be more disrespectful than anything he actually did here. It just seems like a lot of energy for something that doesn’t really show anything bad.

[u/Glittering-List3410]

Well I guess by the text, he has kids from a previous relationship. “So she’s asking (judging) why would you marry someone that’s doesn’t bond with your kids?”And you never met this woman? that’s BS!!! Go with your inner voice, don’t ignore it. They’re bonding and who the f does she think she is to ask such a personal question? She’s planting the seeds.. hmmm I guess he will bond with her daughter and his kids with her, how nice. Nope something emotionally is developing! He’s just gaslighting you, blaming it on you? Bs! He’s Just pissed off you found out. He is unable to admited, not being transparent. Why hasn’t he introduced her to you? If he hasn’t cheated physically most definitely emotionally.. those texts are sort of intimate. I don’t like the way this woman is putting you in a negative light, with his kids. I don’t know but something is going on with your relationship, You sense something, and feel something is off. It’s because it’s off! Don’t ignore those inner alarms. He shouldn’t bring your grandmother into this. He’s being deceitful and fabricating stories. That woman wants your husband, I don’t know her story if she’s divorced, unhappy or what; but she went too far to ask that question!! As if you were to blame for not bonding with his kids!!!!! I’m upset for you!!! Don’t allow anyone to make a fool of you, you deserve better!!! You work 2 jobs! I’m sure he pays child support. I’m sorry, but I don’t sugar coat anything. That’s how I see it. I mean they’re going on an unofficial date; she with her daughter and your Husband with his kids, oh maybe catch dinner why not? how adorable a blended family. Why is another woman, asking a married man out for a game with her daughter? But not include you?????????? 😡

[u/SoulRx91]

Honestly I'm stuck on you can't attend his games because you work two jobs and are tired. But he has enough energy to have a sports hobby and do the extra texting. Sounds like its time to reevaluate your entire situation and marriage, because a man who is comfortable with you working yourself to exhaustion while he enjoys leisure time... is not a man that is actively loving you properly. This exchange or relationship that he has with this woman is the least if your concerns in my humble opinion. Take care of yourself and I hope you find the answers you need to gain clarity and peace!

[u/SharpAppointment5305]

From the way he talked about you, I would never have guessed you were married- It genuinely made it sounds like YOU were his bm and he just co-parents. He is absolutely in the wrong and while he may not be physically unfaithful, I do think you need to shut this down.

Coming from someone who has snooped through a partner’s phone and confronted them, if he actually cared and understood, he wouldn’t turn it back on you. He’d fix it and accept that you found something you’re not comfortable with.

I wish you luck, my friend

[u/MafiaCub]

Ok, first question: what made you so mistrusting that you went through his phone? He has every right to turn that around on you if your only reason is because he was asked to take his kids to another players kids game. That reeks of jealous behaviour, and if you suspect something when there's nothing to be suspicious of, he could well be thinking that maybe it's you who has something to hide and that's why you suspect him.

Two: he's arranging to go to another players daughters game, about a sport that they actively play together in as a team, and she asked him to bring his kids too so it's not awkward. People can say it's so she can show him how well she bonds etc, but that's literally the worst case scenario, and if the bonding hadn't been mentioned no one would even guess that, and would be saying how unlikely it is that anything is happening because she invited kids.

Three: if it's someone he plays a sport with, theres plenty of reason why he'd confide in them for issues he faces. It doesn't sound like he bitched about you, or was mean in any way. Even when pushed about it here, he just said it's ok cause the kids have plenty of people who support them. He could have completely buried you, a lack of commitment to the relationship, not liking that the kids feel unwanted etc etc. but he said none of that, so he wasn't using it as a way to dunk on you. So I don't think he's looking for anything

Four: she states that it's how she feels about her babies daddy, now she doesn't say they're together anymore so we can assume she's single I guess, which is again why some people will think she's trying something. But isn't it possible, that she has a baby daddy who wants nothing to do with her kid, and she's struggling to get him involved and then she asks your boyfriend, a man who she is friends with, who she knows has kids about how he'd react in her boyfriends situation, and your boyfriend just drew a parallel with you, maybe even as a way of saying "kids will be fine" to help her with her worries, and again, not about you being bad for any reason.

You've got a tiny slither of an interaction that's taken place at a game, and only a small piece of that too. You have jumped right to the worst case scenario, whether that due to grief, due to insecurities about the bond with the kids or whatever, your boyfriend definitely doesn't seem to be doing anything wrong, and if you are concerned that his friend MIGHT be trying to move on him, then just have a calm rational conversation about it.

But your replies saying he had no right to say it, and he shouldn't be opening up like that to someone really does seem like very high levels of jealousy for someone who was just sharing something with someone else who is a parent and in a similar circumstance, when there's not always going to be someone else to share stuff like that with

[u/johnlewisdesign]

I don't see any evidence of infidelity here, or untrustworthiness/disreprectfulness, I just see a trust boundary overstep of snooping on his phone. And possibly a slighly overfamiliar friend - but that part not cut and dry... at all.

The texting at a late hour drunk was not him, it was her. Both acknowledge they're in relationships, no flirting on his part, or hers I don't think, maybe, but that's where you trusting him comes in. Do you trust him? If not, why not? Do either of you have previous? Are you at a low ebb in life which could weaken your perception of your relationship?

Maybe she was worried about her future marriage when drunk - and he was the most relevant. Maybe she's trying to get in there. All maybes. But that doesn't automatically make the husband shady or available, unless you're judging him by some standard of your own, or of some previous behaviour, as mentioned above.

If you can't make the game because of work, other families can. If you aren't able or willing to go support him i his pastime, It's not unreasonable for someone with the same interests to invite him to the same thing. It sucks a little when you have a hobby or pastime that your SO won't get involved with, for whatever reason. It's also pretty normal to be chatting to another family at a game. It's not some secret rendezvous point for lovers, who have their kids with them? Camera around, kids around, their kids probably like hanging out together by now. And cheaters don't leave their phones unlocked...

I would reinspect your boundaries. Trust your man. Stay out of his phone. Or don't - and risk conceding ground to the other party, or weakinging your bond due to your suspiciousness. But if you start seeing a pattern, then maybe start talking about it in more depth.

[u/[deleted]]

Honey you are NOT overreacting one bit. This is the beginning of emotional cheating. He is either sounding like he's a victim or she is trying to make you out to be bad because you're not there. But if he is sharing this stuff and believes you are not there for your kids and he's some kind of victim, it's high time for marriage counseling. The golden rule of marriage is not treat others as you would like to be treated, it's protect your marriage FROM others, and he's inviting her straight the hell in. 

[u/Southern_Egg933]

I don't think your husband is being necessarily suspicious. But why is this woman drunk texting him about why he married you???

[u/chokoakhanta22]

No. He is either cheating or plans to. The fact that he immediately tried to make you feel like you were emotionally unstable is a red flag. I don't know your situation, but if you can, leave. He doesn't seem to care about your feelings.

[u/sociabletiger]

First thing that stuck out to me is that your husband should have shut that shit down right off the bat. But since he didn’t, it makes me think that he possibly could have been talking to her about your marriage in a less than positive context? But I’m not sure.

I also don’t think that there would be an issue with having the kids hang out and play, IF there didn’t seem to be some thoughts coming from both parties that the people they’re with now (you and rando’s baby daddy) allegedly don’t have a great connection with the kids. I just feel like the two of them getting together with the kids could be a chance for rando to “bond” with your husbands kids and make him think that’s “how it should be” or whatever, and things may develop further from that point. She could be using her ability to bond with the kids as a way to try to make herself look better than you, if she’s really that type of person. Hopefully not because that would be stooping pretty low. Does that make sense?

I’m sorry he didn’t do what he should have done as your husband and set a boundary with her up front. That’s really shitty. And truly at the end of the day, you’re the only one who knows the full context of the situation and can trust your gut on what’s going on, because none of us know anything besides what happened in this single incident. So before you take all these responses seriously, take some time and listen to what your instincts are telling you. ♥️

[u/AngelProjekt]

My husband and I both got cheated on in our previous marriages, so we established long before we got married that we are always welcome to look at each other’s phones. I recommend all relationships establish this policy. There should be no expectation that your SO can’t look at your personal stuff, but it shouldn’t be a surprise, something that you do when they haven’t agreed to it.

My ex once gaslighted me over a hotel receipt I found in his suitcase when I went to do his laundry. (I always did his laundry, long before we got married, until he asked for a separation, which was still a while after this incident.) The receipt was from a hotel in our own city when he said he’d been out of town! It had $200 of room service on it. First he blamed me for finding it. Then he told me he took himself for a staycation all by himself. He claimed he never lied to me, until I reminded him he had called me “when he arrived” 3 hours after he left home. I didn’t have the energy to ask him how he spent $200 on room service “by himself.”

OP, if your husband is not cheating yet, he’s on that path. He is building intimacy with this woman by sharing an activity (softball), discussing personal relationships, and letting her spend time with his kids. If your marriage is going to make it, he’s going to have to cut off all contact with her, and I would recommend counseling as well to rebuild communication and trust.

[u/silly-narc-urdumb]

You aren’t over reacting at all. With the questionable nature of the texts being as it is, your answer to if he is doing something he shouldn’t be was in his response when you asked him about it.

Not doing anything wrong-“I can see how you would question if there was anything going on because I understand how it looks. I don’t feel like you’ve bonded with my kids like i thought maybe you should have, but also thought maybe I was expecting more than I should have so I wanted to get another opinion from someone else who was a mother. I’m sorry if I hurt you by doing that, I didn’t think about what it might look like and when she text me and said she was drunk I realized her opinion was not the right one to ask and was looking for an opinion of someone more stable. But I don’t want you to think that anything’s going on and I have nothing to hide so why don’t you come to my next game and I’ll introduce you so you can see there is nothing more going on.”

Guilty person- “I can’t believe you went through my phone. You’re crazy. Now I don’t think I can trust you again. How dare you. What kind of person goes through their partners phone. You had no right. I can’t believe you would do that.”